Digest for Wednesday, March 02, 1994
There are 37 messages totalling 1001 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- another ism
- Laughter is really the best medicine
- Addr: 2 jokes, both clean
- Re: joke and request
- WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY (fwd)
- Shipwrecked !
- Place names (was Quals, and parents to China)
- Cryonics--is it a religion?
- Quakerism
- Jesus (again)
- some more Steven Wright
- Another Punny Joke
- Uncl: Joke (offensive to Martin L. King and David Koresh)
- Inquiry?
- TERMITE. (ITS SAFE TO READ)
- good, clean pun
- Catholics may not enjoy-rated PG-13
- Architects
- Offensive to gay/lesbians - mildly offensive language
- Re: Lights Out
- Yet More -isms (sigh).
- request & dumb joke
- Racy Joke -- General Comment
- isms of religions
- safe hardware jokes
- offensive language
- Re: Racy Joke -- General Comment
- Re: INSURANCE COMEDY
- Life 3.O A collection of clean humor gathered on: 1 Nov 88
- steven Wright Joke
- Funny news article - true!
- Top Ten List for 3/1/94
- Architects
- More insurance comedy
- Amishism
- Humor: contradictory words
- WS Gilbert
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 02:45:50 CST
From: David Christian <DCHRISTI@NDSUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: another ism
Psychoanalysism: So, tell me about the shit that happened to your mother.
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 07:08:00 EDT
From: Tom Ohlendorf <D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU>
Subject: Laughter is really the best medicine
STEVEN WRIGHT
"I joined this new contest. Its called the stranger contest. You buy this card
with a number on it and walk up to any stranger and rub a penny on his
forehead. If the number underneath matches your card, you win $100... I've won
twice... I've been beat up 11 times."
I also heard this one on the radio. I don't know the comedian's name.
"Laughter is the only emotion that can get you arrested. Stand on a corner and
cry your eyes out for an hour and people will leave you alone. But, stand on a
corner and laugh for twenty minutes and they will take you away."
I hope you enjoyed these quotes. They got me rolling.
- Tom
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 08:57:43 EST
From: Kevin R. Cain <KEVIN@VM.CC.FAMU.EDU>
Subject: Addr: 2 jokes, both clean
FROM: Kevin R. Cain
A Bar Association charter flight was hijacked by terrorists. When the
terrorists issued their press release, they said that until their
demands are met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
I suppose you heard that Snow White got expelled from the
Magic Kingdom. Seems she was caught feeling Goofy and sitting
on Pinnochio's face screaming, "lie to me, tell the truth, lie to me,
tell the truth, lie to me....."
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 08:54:00 EST
From: Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject: Re: joke and request
>A grasshopper walks into a bar,...
*DING!* (a little light goes on above oxo's head)
this old termite with no teeth walks into a bar and hollers at everyone,
"hey! where's the bartender?"
:)
be seeing you,
oxo
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 09:49:32 -0700
From: patou <patou@ARTHUR.WORLDBANK.ORG>
Subject: WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY (fwd)
>
> WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY
>
> I woke up early feeling a little depressed because it was my birthday
> and thought, Another year older, but decided to make the best of it.
> So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast, my wife
> would greet me with a big kiss and say "Happy Birthday, dear".
> All smiles, I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading the
> newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of
> coffee and thought to myself, oh well, she just forgot. The kids will be
> in in a few minutes all cheery and they will sing Happy Birthday and have
> a nice gift for me.
> There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came
> running in yelling "Give me a slice of toast!", "I'm late!", and "Where is
> my coat?!", "I'm going to miss the bus!!". Feeling more for the office...
> When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a nice
> smile and a "Happy Birthday, boss", and said "I'll get you some coffee."
> Her remembering made me feel a lot better.
> Later in the morning my secretary knocked on my office door and said
> "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together." Thinking it
> would make me feel better, I said that was a good idea.
> So we locked up the office and since it was my birthday, I said "Why
> don't we drive out of town and have off going to the usual place". So we
> drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way place and had a
> couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when
> my secretary said "Why don't we go by my place and I'll fix you another
> martini". It sounded like a good idea since we didn't have anything to
> do in the office anyway. So we went to her apartment and she fixed us
> both a martini and after a while she said "If you'll excuse me, I think I
> will slip into something more comfortable" and she left the room.
> In six minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
> birthday cake. Following her was my wife and all my kids and there I sat
> with nothing on but my socks.
>
>
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 14:08:29 +0000
From: Pankaj Gupta <P.S.Gupta@BRA0801.WINS.ICL.CO.UK>
Subject: Shipwrecked !
The storm had taken a turn from bad to worse. And the ship which
had been fighting the waves had to finally give in. The only
survivors of the shipwreck were 6 women and 1 man. They were lucky
enough to be washed ashore a nearby island. The island,
unfortunately had no other inhabitants. Apart from food and water,
sex was also an issue. And it was decided that the man would be
shared. Each woman would be given one day of the week and Sunday
would be an off for the man, so that he could rest. Each week day
turned out to be nightmare for the man as the women made the best
of the little time given. Many months passed and the man soon
became tired of the whole thing. But he had no way out. One day,
to the man's delight, a boat with a person in it was spotted far
out in the sea. Now his 'workload' would be shared and he could
have more days off. He waved desperately to the approaching boat.
As the boat came closer, the man suddenly fell to his knees and
cried, "OH SHIT ! There go my Sundays !!".
Pankaj (P.S.GUPTA@BRA0801.WINS.ICL.CO.UK)
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 09:06:59 -0600
From: Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Place names (was Quals, and parents to China)
[Note to folks not in from the start of this conversation: I told Frank
that my parents are seriously considering moving from Malaysia to China
for a few years in order to be one of the hordes of Missionaries for
Capitalism now converting China to a market economy (ie. he's gonna "do
business"). Frank, who is in Japan, asked me where Wuhan is (the city
where the business would be located) as he only knows them by the
Japanese names, and I told him its geographical location, on the
Yangtzee river a.k.a. Chang Chiang "The Long River"...]
Frank Sheeran said:
>As a side note, I was really disappointed when I found out how boring
>most Chinese region names are. Mountain-west, Mountain-east, that
>kind of stuff. (Japanese regions are pretty stupid too - the four
>island s are FourCountries, NineStates, OriginalState, and
>NorthSeaWay. The three biggest cities are called EastCapital,
>Capital, and BigSlope.(Osaka.) But almost all of the prefectures and
>cities have pretty meanings in transaltion, like AutumnLeafSpring,
>PineTreeBay....
heheh... then there's Kuala Lumpur: "Muddy river-mouth".
A lot of state capitals in Malaysia ("Malay islands") are of the form
"XXX river-mouth" where XXX would be the name of the major river *and*
the state. (ie. Kuala XXX.)
Then there's the capital of Sabah ("Similar/Alike/Vague/Unclear"
according to the dictionary), Kota Kinabalu: "The City of the Chinese
Widow"... (actually, "The City of Kinabalu" where Kinabalu is the
tallest mountain in the archipelego outside of Irian Jaya/New Gunea --
the legend about the Chinese widow actually is associated with the
mountain, not the city.)
The capital of Sarawak is Kuching -- "cat" in Malay, but histories I've
read say that it is not a Malay name and so actually doesn't mean "cat"
but we've always had fun calling it "cat" 8-)
My granny lives in Taiping -- "Peace". It was the Geneva Convention of
some major Chinese gangs back during colonial times. (Taiping is a
Chinese town and thus it's "peace" in Chinese and not Malay.)
Then there's Negri Sembilan (a state): "State 9".
Singapore is "Fake lion" if you interpret it in Malay -- and follow the
Malay version of the legend -- or "Lion City" if you interpret it in
Sanskrit and follow the other version of the story. ("Singa-pura")
Bangkok's real name is Krung Tehp. Actually, that's the *short* form of
the name -- Thai people have told me that it's always "Krung Tehp etc.
etc." with *2* etc's because the real name goes on and on... it means
"City of Angels etc.etc." just like Los Angeles -- I went to the center
of the old Los Angeles mission and looked at the inscription of LA's
original name and *that* goes on and on, too.
Then of course there's Glenn's interpretation of KL: "Koala Lumper".
Visions of this big mean machine that grabs koalas out of eucyliptus
trees and stuffs them into a hay-baler-like device.
Ian
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 08:29:14 -0800
From: Tom Welbers <twelbers@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Cryonics--is it a religion?
This morning's LA Times' View Section has a feature article of
"Alcor Life Extension Foundation, the world's leading cryonics
company"moving fro Riverside, CA, to Arizona because Arizona hasn't had a
big earthquake (recently). Frankly, it seems to me that paying megabucks
to have your body frozen in hopes that future technology will restore you
-- or even consider you *worth* restoring, meets the criteria of a
bonafide religion: believing that a human institution, any human
institution, will keep its contract when neither you nor anybody who give
a damn about you is left to sue them if they don't, takes more *blind
faith* than any belief in the Transcendent--any transcendent! Not to
mention . . . can you really trust them to keep the nitrogen liquid?
Anyway, these ramblings give rise to another religion for the list:
Cryonics: Shit freezes.
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 11:50:32 GMT
From: jim davis <JDAVIS@ALLEGVM.BITNET>
Subject: Quakerism
Quakerism: Shit.
Humanitarianism: We've got plenty of shit. Have some of ours.
Trickle-down-Economics-ism: Diarreha
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 12:01:50 EST
From: Shannon Cullen <scullen@FSCVAX.FSC.MASS.EDU>
Subject: Jesus (again)
Jesus and Moses were walking along the beach. Moses says to Jesus,
Ya know, I parted the Red Sea. I'll bet you I can do it again.
Jesus replys You're on.
So Moses (I hope it was Moses) parts the sea.
Jesus was very impressed, and says 'You know, I walked on water.'
'I'll bet I can do it again."
So Jesus steps out onto the water and sinks. He comes back to land
and says 'I don't know what went wrong. I did it before'
Moses replys 'Yeah. But you didn't have holes in your feet last time!'
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 12:06:27 EST
From: RiffRaff <PCONNER@WVNVM.BITNET>
Subject: some more Steven Wright
I came home the other day to discover that everything in my apartment had
been stolen and replaced with an exact replica! I couldn't believe it!
I said to my friend, "Look at this, it's all an exact replica - what do you
think?" He said "Do I know you?"
I have the oldest typewriter in the world... it writes in pencil.
I got contacts, but I only need them when I read, so I got flip-ups.
I have a box of telephone rings, so whenever I get lonely, I open the box
just a little and I get a call. The other day I dropped the box, and the
phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to have it disconnected. Then I bought
another phone, but I didn't have much money, so I bought an irregular phone
..it has no 5. I ran into a friend on the street, he said "Why don't
you ever call me anymore?" I answered "I can't call everyone I want, my
phone has no 5." He said "That's really weird. How long have you had it?"
I said "I don't know, my calendar has no sevens."
I was on the elevator the other day, and a guy got on. I was near the
buttons, so I asked him where he was going. He answered "Phoenix."
So I pushed Phoenix. The doors opened, and two tumbleweeds blew in.
We were in the middle of downtown Phoenix. I said "You know, you're the
kind of guy I'd really like to hang around with." He said "Well, why
don't you come with me out to my place in the middle of the desert."
We got in his car and drove off. On the way, he told me that all his
life he'd been working for the government, trying to find out who
financed the pyramids. Finally, he told them he was pretty sure it
was a guy named 'Eddie'. We arrived at his place out in the middle of
the desert, and the phone rang. He said "You get it." So, I picked up
the phone and said "Hello?" "Hello, is this Steven Wright?" I answered
"Yes." "This is Mr. Haines, the student loan director from your bank.
You've missed your last ten payments, and in fact we discovered that
the institution you claimed to have attended never recieved any of the
twenty thousand dollars we loaned you. I'd like to know what you did
with the money." I said "Well, Mr. Haines, I'm not going to lie to
you. I gave the money to my friend Jiggs Casey, and he built a nuclear
weapon with it. I'd really appreciate it if you didn't call me again."
--Riff
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 12:08:42 -0500
From: SHARON M. MORRELL <STK2077@VAX003.STOCKTON.EDU>
Subject: Another Punny Joke
Hi! I tried sending this earlier this week but never saw it posted. If y'all
got it, and I just missed it, sorry for all the clutter! :)
There once was this island that was inhabited by a race of people known as
Twids. This island's main feature was a mountain, which covered most of the
center of the island. However, on this mountain lived an evil ogre who
would not let the Twids climb his mountain. Every time they tried, he would
kick them off the mountain.
One day a rabbi came to visit the island, and noticed that the population of
the Twids was dwindling. He asked the people what was happening, and when
they told him, he decided to have a chat with the ogre.
Climbing successfully to the top of the mountain, the rabbi confronted the
ogre. "Why did you let me climb to the top, but not the Twids?"
The ogre replied: "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Twids!"
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 12:09:24 -0500
From: Pamela Tyler <PTYLER@TULSAJC.BITNET>
Subject: Uncl: Joke (offensive to Martin L. King and David Koresh)
Q: What do Martin Luther King Jr, and David Koresh have
in common?
A: They're both black now! *laugh*
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 12:47:51 -0400
From: Cannon, Heather <CANNONH@ORAU.BITNET>
Subject: Inquiry?
I know this is totally of the subject... but is anyone out there an
Architect? I need to talk to one. So if yu are, or know one that might be
willing to lend an ear, please respond.
Thanks in adance!! :)
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 13:03:34 -0500
From: JEAN-PIERRE LEBEL <L93053909@ACS.SAULTC.ON.CA>
Subject: TERMITE. (IT'S SAFE TO READ)
A TERMITE WALKS INTO A BAR AND SAYS,
"EXCUSE ME, IS THE BAR TENDER HERE?"
YEAH, IT'S A GROANER...
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 13:47:03 EST
From: STCS000 <STCS@MUSIC.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: good, clean pun
ernie got him a job driving a bus on sesame street and he hoped to
make some new friends as well. at the first stop, he picked up two
abundantly large women. he asked their names and learned that not just
one, but both are named pattie. at the next stop there was a kid in
a wheelchair. "whhat's your name?" ernie asked. "josh," the kid told
him, "but my friends call me special josh." at the next stop, ernie
picked up a man who had been running. ernie inquired about this man
and found that his name was larry speed. he was a runner, but he had to
stop because his bunyons were hurting him. he sat down on the bus
and started scratching at his bunyons.
when ernie got home, burt asked who he had met and ernie replied singing
(i'll bet you can see this coming): two obese pattiess, special josh,
larry speed, picking bunyons on a sesame street bus.
groan,
i got a million of 'em,
big mike
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 10:56:15 PST
From: Jones, Scott T. <sjones@CCLINK.LOGICON.COM>
Subject: Catholics may not enjoy-rated PG-13
A woman was rushing to her Catholic church one Sunday morning. Having
awoken late, she did not realize that the sidewalks were slippery with
ice from a late night storm. She went running up the stairs of the
church and slipped and fell on the sidewalk and hit her head very
hard. She momentarily lost consciousness and, upon her regaining her
senses, she saw a large number of people staring at her from the
doorway of the church. She turned to a little boy and asked,
"Is Mass out?".
"No ma'am", the boy replied, "but your hat is on funny."
Wokka wokka wokka...
Scott Jones
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 14:06:53 -0500
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE<JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Architects
You know, I've been eagerly waiting for somebody to bring up the topic of
architects.
Once upon a time I attended the University of Pittsburgh (in Pittsburgh).
The main administration building at Pitt was known as --and I'm NOT making
this up now, you understand-- The Cathedral of Learning. It was built during
the 1930s and has a sort of gothic/art deco style to it.
Legend had it that when Frank Loyd Wright saw The Cathedral of Learning he
was quite impressed by it. In fact, he said that he would be willing to live
in it, just so he didn't have to look at it.
Since learning this TRUE story, I have heard that Frank Loyd Wright REALLY
said this about some dormitory at MIT! Has anybody else heard another version
of this legend?
By the way, I really need to speak to a plumber.
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 16:11:48 -0500
From: Bob Hawkey HAWKEYE -- Dont Worry! Be Happy! };^> <kcdhawk@KODAK.COM>
Subject: Offensive to gay/lesbians - mildly offensive language
Here in Colorado, we have a national park called - Dinosaur National Park,
where are located, appropriately enough, hundreds of dinosaur bones and
skeletons. Not to long ago, a pair of female dinosaurs were discovered
very near this park, in what can only be described as a very strange
position. Of course, experts from the Park were called in to identify
the dinosaurs. The experts discovered what they came to believe were the
very first evidence of lesbian dinosaurs! They named the dinosaurs
Lickalotapuss's!
In roughly the same area was discovered a grouping of male dinosaurs as
well. The same experts were called in to identify them. Feeling that
they had uncovered the first gay dinosaur conclave, the experts decided
to name them Megasoreasses!
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 16:58:49 EST
From: Ann Smith <ABSMITH@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Re: Lights Out
I heard the whole "lights out" thing was a big rumor started by a
crafty mind with a fax machine. Does anyone else out there have
verification of the story.
I'm sure Bill, our friendly Humor owner scolded you for not putting
bonafide humor on the list. So as to not get a scolding myself,
enjoy this piece of obligatory humor:
Did you know that the 12 disciples drove a car?
The Bible says the met in one accord.
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 17:16:07 EST
From: dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU
Subject: Yet More -isms (sigh).
Okay, the gauntlet has been thrown down, so here I go. I apologize if any
of these are repetitious.
LITERARY CRITICISM: Shit happens textually or metaphorically.
ABSENTEEISM: I wasn't here when the shit happened.
LIBERALISM: If shit happens, throw money at it (Because it MUST be
society's fault).
CONSERVATISM: Shit only happens to poor people, so it's no concern of mine.
ROMANTICISM: Shit happening is marvelous!!!!
PARENTALISM: If you weren't so ungrateful, shit wouldn't happen.
REAGAN: Nancy, has shit happened?
BUSH: If shit happened, I didn't know anything about it.
INDIFFERENTISM: Who gives a shit?
REACTIONARYISM: Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Sorry, but at least it's better than some of my puns.
(Speaking of which, are lobotomies empty exercises?)
The ball's in your court, gang!
Rick
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 17:21:12 EST
From: Stacy Warnick <stacyj@FREENET.SCRI.FSU.EDU>
Subject: request & dumb joke
Now for the dumb joke:
Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A. "Where's my tractor?"
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 17:55:58 EST
From: Mitch Krzyzek <MKRZ8875@URIACC.URI.EDU>
Subject: Racy Joke -- General Comment
Q: What do you call a line of Mexicans in front of a house?
A: A spicket fence.
TAA-DAA BOOOM!
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 18:55:13 EST
From: Green, Kelly <F438@MUSIC.FERRIS.EDU>
Subject: isms of religions
wouldn't Amish-ism be- our sh*t is all natural?
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 18:22:45 -0500
From: Pauline Pantel <$PANTELPM@BRANDONU.CA>
Subject: safe hardware jokes
We found these while browsing through some old "Coffee Perks" from
Regina, Saskatchewan. We thought they were cute.
Jimmy and his mother were walking along the street, when Jimmy saw a
sign over a plumbing supply store. I It said, "Cast Iron Sinks." "They
must think we are really dumb ," said the boy to his mother.
"Everyone knows that cast iron won't float."
A lady and her niece walked into a hardware store, where the lady
bought 50 packages of steel wool. "What on earthis she going to do with
all of it?" said the cashier to the niece. The niece smiled as she replied,
"She knits sweaters, very scratchy sweaters!"
The man in the repair shop said "Here it is Mr. Wilson. Your
lawnmower is now in perfect condition . Just one precaution, however,
Don't ever lend it to a neighbour." "That's just the trouble, " said
Mr. Wilson. "I amthe neighbour."
---Sherianne & Pauline
c/o $pantelpm@brandonu.ca
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 17:33:00 MST
From: David Trevino <DTREVINO@CC.WEBER.EDU>
Subject: offensive language
How do you get a bitch pregnant?
-you fuck her!
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 16:31:36 -0800
From: Theodore M. Seeber <seebert@SEQ.OIT.OSSHE.EDU>
Subject: Re: Racy Joke -- General CommentFrom: Ted Seeber, aka Marxist Hacker MKJ BBS (503) 882-2671 10pm-6am PT
seebert@seq.oit.osshe.edu
On Wed, 2 Mar 1994, Mitch Krzyzek wrote:
> Q: What do you call a line of Mexicans in front of a house?
>
> A: A spicket fence.
>
> TAA-DAA BOOOM!
>
> Comment: What people here find the shit-definitions funny? I have not seen
> anything funny about any of them...they just seem really stupid. I *have*
> loved all of the other jokes though!
>
You have to know something about a lot of religions to understand those
jokes.
Ok, here's another version on the same theme:
Software engineers: Shit happens virtually.
Ted
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 19:50:00 EST
From: FLEMING * JOHN NEIL <jneil@FLEMINGC.ON.CA>
Subject: Re: INSURANCE COMEDY
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where
car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in
the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing served to
confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a
tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intention.
3 I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when
I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-
in-law, and headed over the embankment.
9. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
10. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way
home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up
obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
11. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.
12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my
universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in
a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable
to stop in time to avoid the accident.
14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
pedestrian.
15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and
vanished.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my
hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other
side of the road when I struck him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran
over him.
20. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off
the hood of my car.
21. In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small
car with a big mouth.
22. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later
found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
23. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve
out of its way when it struck my front end.
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 17:16:40 PST
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 3.O A collection of clean humor gathered on: 1 Nov 88
She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.
-- Gypsy Rose Lee
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Small deeds done are better than great deeds planned.
So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
praise of intelligence. -- Bertrand Russell
Sometimes what a person escapes to is worse than what they escapes from.
Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
Tax reform means: Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the
tree.
-- Russell Long
Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. -- J. Finnegan, USC.
The attacker must vanquish, the defender need only survive.
The beauty of America is that the average person always thinks he is above
average. - Sam Levenson
The best way to destroy your enemy is to make him your friend. --- Lincoln
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. -- Art Buchwald
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards,
specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of rise
per foot of run. A compromise...
The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair trial,
not
a system to let him get off on technicalities.
The Hebrew school teacher asked one of his students if she said prayers before
meals. The proud little girl answered, "Oh, not me. I don't have to - my
dad's a good cook."
The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time of great moral
crises maintain their neutrality. - Dante
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should
serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society
these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their
function is to serve as checks upon the state. -- Alan Barth
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away
is your husband.
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
-- Bohr
The Peter Principle:
People are promoted until they reach their level of incompetence.
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. -- Emerson
The strongest man in the world is he who stands alone. -Ibsen
The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively hostile to it.
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
be one of the facts that needs altering.
-- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 20:39:12 -0500
From: Nigel H. Mendez <nhmen@CONNCOLL.EDU>
Subject: steven Wright Joke
Steven Wright joke-
I was riding the bus the other day and a blonde Korean sits down next to
me. She says that she is a nymphomaniac, but only likes Jewish cowboys.
She then asked me my name so of course I said "Bucky Goldstein".
It is really funny when steven says it
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 18:51:52 -0800
From: J.j. <jvarley@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Funny news article - true!
MARCH 2, 1994
FAULTY MACHINE ELECTROCUTES COWS
MAIDSTONE, ENGLAND--A
farmer accidentally electrocuted 46
of his cows with a faulty milking
machine yesterday morning.
Just eight of William Murdoch's
specially bred herd survived when
he turned on the electric milking
machine, which was attached to the
cows' teats.
------
This one is old, but...
-------
August 27, 1993
MOM HIRES STRIPPER, LOSES HER SON, 12
ROCKFORD, Ill. -- A woman lost
custody of her son and was sentenced to
45 days in jail after admitting she
hired a stripper for the boys 12th
birthday party.
At the March 6 party, the dancer
stripped down to a halter and
G-string.
The mother allowed her son to lick
whipped cream off the dancer's breasts,
officals said.
The state now has legal custody of
the boy until he turns 19.
ASSOCIATED PRESS
----------------
--
jvarley@netcom.com | San Diego, CA
Don't let school get in the way of your education.
--------------------------------------------------------------- 00066
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 20:49:08 -0600
From: Brian Peek, w/ A. Rauch (CABBS) <PEEKB@GAR.UNION.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten List for 3/1/94
---> March 1, 1994 <---
=======================================
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Grammys
=======================================
10. "Flea, Sting. Sting, Flea"
9. "Yes, I was in . Now can I please show you to your seat?"
8. "If I sign up a hundred peop
le to do a duet with Sinatra, I win a
mini-bike"
7. "Call 9-1-1 -- oh, nevermind, Keith Richards always looks like that"
6. "I believe Cher's new lips are still covered under warranty"
5. "...And now the border collies will herd Aerosmith into a cab"
(Dave had a sheep-herder and his dogs on the show. The dogs moved five
sheep from the lobby of the theater into a waiting cab.)
4. "Ice Cube, Meat Loaf. Meat Loaf, Ice Cube"
3. "I didn't know Letterman played the fiddle"
(Here they showed the now famous clip of a guy that looks like Dave
playing the violin and singing "Camptown Races")
2. "Sorry Madonna -- no shirt, no shoes, no service"
1. "Peabo, Picabo. Picabo, Peabo"
Brian Peek
peekb@gar.union.edu
Owner of the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten List Listserv
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 20:51:53 CST
From: Ed Johnson <QA1BR546@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject: Architects
Jim Mica said...
>You know, I've been eagerly waiting for somebody to bring up the topic of
>architects.
>
>Once upon a time I attended the University of Pittsburgh (in Pittsburgh).
<The main administration building at Pitt was known as --and I'm NOT making
>this up now, you understand-- The Cathedral of Learning....
>By the way, I really need to speak to a plumber.
Speaking of humor with university buildings, I roared when I heard on
Michigan Public Radio that there were lectures on eating disorders to be
presented at the Center for Human Growth at Michigan State.
And now that you mentioned the need of special trades like plumbing, does
anyone have a suggestion on where I can get my Stettson blocked and cleaned?
--Ed Johnson
University of Alabama
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 22:38:36 -0500
From: Michael R. Sinisgalli <sinisgmr@ECKERD.EDU>
Subject: More insurance comedy
When I read the posting on insurance claims, I couldn't help remember when
I took claims for an auto insurance agency. One of the first questions
was, "What is the year, make, and model of your vehicle?" I asked the man
this question, and he replied, "A 1964 Pea Cup." Not being very
experienced in older models of cars, I thought that this was a classic
that I had never heard of. Nonetheless, I still needed to know the make
of the car. I asked the man again, and he insisted that it was just a
"Pea Cup." I apologized for having to ask again, and the man aswered
again, but rather annoyed. Then I realized that Mr. Gonzalez was saying,
"Pick-up!" with a strong Spanish accent!
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 21:56:12 CST
From: David <DCHRISTI@NDSUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: Amishism
Hey Kelly, your's could work two ways:
Amishism: Our sh*t is natural
-or-
Ecologyism: Shit happening is natural.
-or, another for the Amish...
Amishism: This is some horse shit that's happening.
Smiles and cheers!
David
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 22:57:50 EST
From: Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Humor: contradictory words <amusing to word lovers>
Words which are their own antonym?
A partial list of homographs:
aught = all, nothing
bill = invoice, money
cleave = to separate, to join
clip = cut apart, fasten together
comprise = contain, compose
custom = usual, special
dust = to remove, add fine particles
fast = rapid, unmoving
literally = actually, figuratively
model = archetype, copy
moot = debatable, academic
note = promise to pay, money
oversight = care, error
peep = look quietly, beep
peer = noble, person of equal rank
put = lay, throw
puzzle = pose problem, solve problem
quantum = very small, very large (quantum leap)
ravel = entangle, disentangle
resign = to quit, to sign up again
sanction = to approve of, to punish
sanguine = murderous, optimistic
scan = to examine closely, to glance at quickly
set = fix, flow
skin = to cover with, remove outer covering
speak = express verbally, express nonverbally
stipulate = request explicitly, agree to
strike = miss (baseball), hit
table = propose [British], set aside
temper = calmness, passion
trim = cut things off, put things on
A very short list of homophones:
aural, oral = heard, spoken
fiance, fiancee = female betrothed, male betrothed
raise, raze = erect, tear down
Source: 1989 book _Crazy English_, by Richard Lederer
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Date: Wed, 2 Mar 1994 20:11:32 PST
From: Karen Friesen <uj349@FREENET.VICTORIA.BC.CA>
Subject: WS Gilbert
W S Gilbert wrote a comic opera which he called "Ruddygore".
This created a sensation, for the British of the time
considered "bloody" to be an unbearably uncouth
expression. Since "gore" refers to blood, and since
"ruddy" was a well-known euphemism for "bloody", the
name of the operetta was equivalent to "bloody-blood"
and there were loud protests. Gilbert held firm, but
went as far as changing the "y" to "i" and making it
"Ruddigore".
In the early days of the performance, someone asked
Gilbert how "Bloodygore" was getting along.
Gilbert's face darkened. "It's 'Ruddigore'".
"That's the same thing."
"No it isn't", said Gilbert. "If I said I admired your
blooming countenance, would that be saying the
same as 'I like your bloody cheek'? Well, it's not,
and I don't".
This and the previous joke I posted are from
"Asimov Laughs Again". I can't write this well.
--
Karen Friesen uj349@freenet.victoria.bc.ca
Victoria BC ao766@freenet.carleton.ca
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