Digest for Friday, March 11, 1994
There are 30 messages totalling 984 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Clean humour from the Hong Kong newspaper
- Risque Flowers
- Compaq Wishes To Apologize For This Advertisement.
- Offensive To rape victims
- Unsub suggession + humor (cryptic statement)
- Another Guitar player joke + a stamp story
- WHAT TO DO THE ONE HOUR & 55 MINUTES (OFFENSIVE TO SOME) (f
- Kiddie animal jokes
- Funny News Headlines
- Country Music . . .
- One for you baseball fans
- travelling-salesman-type joke (adult subject matter)
- Inbred Jokes
- odd thoughts
- netiquette - Dear Emily Postnews
- World War II Joke
- Re: She was only a ...daughter... mildly offense to some
- HILARIOUS ONELINER HEADLINER..
- Music and Religion
- Wrigley Field
- unwritten book titles...
- grasshopper joke
- Vampires
- Tonya Song (Clean)
- FUNNY SAYINGS
- A priest joke
- possibly religous offense
- old polish joke (clean)
- FW: Believe it or not
- "Their Way"--inoffensive except to dour academics
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 09:54:00 GMT+0800
From: Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T) <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: Clean humour from the Hong Kong newspaper
Extracts from "Only in Hong Kong" by Nury Vittachi from his
newspaper column Lai See, which published stuff sent in by
readers:
Sign in a lift: "If the lift breaks down, please do not handle
yourself."
toy store; "STUFF SANTA CLAUSE"
on a piece of paper: "Rush fiercely along the periods"
(presumably a literal translation of "Tear along the dotted
line".
sign on a South Pacific airline door: "EMERGENCY EXIT Crew Use
Only"
sign on the *inside* of a toilet door: "Save Paper Use the hot
air dryers"
special offer in an earring shop: "Buy one, get one free"
Sign outside a local restaurant: "Nighty open"
Sign outside The Four Sisters Topless Bar and Nightclub: "No
cover charge"
On an Indian restaurant: "WE NEVER CLOSE! Business Hours: 12.00-
2.30pm 6.00-10.30pm"
Advertisement for an assistant architect: "CAD is preferred but
not essential"
Outside a watch shop: "Our watches go fast."
Publicity leaflet for a chain of laundry shops: "Clean Living,
with 26 branches, has a main lavatory in Hunghom where all their
laundry is washed every day."
Mike R
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 11:08:00 GMT+0800
From: ROBERT BUTCHER (CCE) <RBUTCHER@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: Risque Flowers
Since Spring is about to spring (well in the Northern Hemispere anyway) I was
reminded of this golden oldie:
Q. What is better that daffodils on the piano?
A. Tuilips on the organ.
Bob
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 02:38:40 -0600
From: Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Compaq Wishes To Apologize For This Advertisement.
(Taken from an actual Compaq ad in a British magazine.)
Compaq Wishes To Apologize For This Advertisement.
In particular, we wish to apologize for the headline. We suggest you
skip it and go straight to the rest of the ad, after which you should
simply FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. If you haven't got time to read
the ad, SIMPLY FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. On your way to POST THE
COUPON you may pass a COMPAQ dealer in which case simply GO IN AND BUY
A COMPAQ. This will save you the price of a stamp.
HOW TO PROVE THAT COMPAQ RUNS 30% FASTER THAN IBM. Buy two greyhounds,
name one COMPAQ and the other IBM. Feed COMPAQ on lean steak and IBM on
old socks stuffed with rabbit droppings. After a month, enter both in
the 3.30 at Hackney and you will notice that Compaq runs at least 30%
faster than IBM. Of course, this test is totally unfair and one-sided,
but gives the same result as racing the computers in your office.
PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST NASTY ACCIDENTS. (Picture of statue w/o arms
or legs is shown at left.) This is what happens to computer operators
who lose all the data on an important disk. Protect yourself with a
built-in tape back-up safety system. Too bad if you own an IBM or some
other make, only COMPAQ computers have them.
SIN IN STYLE -- SOFTWEAR WORLD.
Sorry. Wrong. Terribly sorry. Sorry to disappoint those of you who
were hoping for something titillating, but this whole section is in fact
the result of a silly spelling mistake. Instead of softwear, please read
software. Then reach for any IBM catalogue, in which you will find
listed thousands of programs you can run on COMPAQ computers. So sorry.
WHAT PERCENTAGE OF IBM SOFTWARE WILL RUN ON A COMPAQ? By sheer
coincidence, this is the same percentage of waiters in Indian restaurants
who hail from the small Bangladeshi town of Sylhet. Nearly 100%. For
further details and first-class lamb dhansak, ring 01-836 9787.
BYTES OF RAM. The compaq deskpro 286 offers 8.2 megabytes of RAM. IBM's
PC AT can only manage a 3 megabyte nibble. Cheez, even our carry-away
Portable does 2.6 megabytes.
THE COMPAQ DUAL_MODE MONITOR. At last, a monitor lizard that can display
both high resolution text and high resolution graphics on one screen.
IBM's (and all their spawn) need separate iguanas for text and graphics.
More details from our sales reptiles. Contact them on 01-940 8860.
SIMPLE ANT MATHS: LESSON 1. Let one ant equal one byte of information.
COMPAQ's built-in mass storage can hold 70,000,000 of the little
blighters, (30,000,000 more than IBM can). Now calculate how many ants
are needed to fill the great pyramid of Giza.
FILL IN THIS COUPON NOW.
______________________________________________________________________
| |
| TO: COMPAQ Computer Ltd., Freepost, Richmond, Surrey, TW91BR. |
| I understand that COMPAQ computers run IBM software 30% faster, are |
| more powerful with more storage, a unique tape backup system and dual|
| mode monitor, but frankly I can't believe COMPAQ's are this good, |
| otherwise why isn't everyone using them except come to think of it |
| COMPAQ is already No. 2 in the States but then the Yanks are a funny |
| bunch I mean they eat raw steak for breakfast and they've all got |
| absurd names like Chuck and Waldo of course everyone's always |
| knocking America but where would we be without the Harvey Wallbanger |
| so rush me more details of your marvelous computers. |
| |
| Name _______________________________________________________________ |
| Company_____________________________________________________________ |
| Inside Leg_________________ Favourite Singer_______________________ |
| Address_____________________________________________________________ |
| |
| AMAZING FREE OFFER. We'll give you a COMPAQ DESKPRO 286 ABSOLUTELY |
| FREE when you give us 3,694.99 pounds. |
| |
| ( ) tick here for FREE death watch beetle. |
|______________________________________________________________________|
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 12:34:14 +0200
From: Mark Sturrock <STRMAR31@UCTVAX.UCT.AC.ZA>
Subject: Offensive To rape victim's
Q: What's black and blue and hates sex.?!
A: A Rape Victim.!
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 08:41:38 -0500
From: Michael Kapfer <mkapfer@EAST.DELFIN.COM>
Subject: Unsub suggession + humor (cryptic statement)
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, BUT I am not
sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant!
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 09:25:00 EST
From: Wall, David K. <DKW0@NIOSHE2.EM.CDC.GOV>
Subject: Another Guitar player joke + a stamp story
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change it, and five to say "I can do that better!"
A friend of mine says that when he was a child, he lived next to a woman who
was not noted for her mental agility. When the post office announced that
postage stamps were being increased from three cents to four cents, she went
out and stocked up on three-cent stamps before they went up.
David
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 09:35:12 EDT
From: Julia Addison <ADDISON@NET2.EOS.UOGUELPH.CA>
Subject: WHAT TO DO THE ONE HOUR & 55 MINUTES (OFFENSIVE TO SOME) (f
Subject: WHAT TO DO THE ONE HOUR & 55 MINUTES (OFFENSIVE TO SOME)
Recent newspaper articles are touting a new treatment for impotence. The
treatment consists of injecting a drug into the base of the penis with a
small "painless" needle, almost guaranteeing an erection of massive
proportion ("The best ever in my life" says Joe F. Lacid). Not content to just
be big, it will last for TWO WHOLE HOURS. Now, my question is,
WHAT WILL I DO FOR FOLLOWING HOUR & 55 MINUTES??????
Here are some suggestions:
1. Use it as a lightning rod
2. Set it up as a weather vane
3. Try it as a swizzle stick (not a coffee stirrer)
4. Play Tether Ball
5. Use it as a fishing pole
6. Be patriotic - use it as a Flag Pole
7. Its a handy coat rack
8. With an appropriate partner, its a Jousting Lance
9. Play pool with your custom Cue Stick
10. Star Wars Light Sabre
11. A Flight Simulator Joy Stick
12. Drive around, use it as you Shift Lever
13. Summer Olympics - try the Pole Vault
14. Your own Karaoke Microphone
15. Its a Magic Wand - wave it at someone
16. Play Ball - Its a Fungo Bat
and
17. It can be your kitty's new scratching post
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 09:47:30 EST
From: Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Kiddie animal jokes <for the young at heart>
Q: How do elephants get there flat feet?
A: Jumping out of trees
Q: Why do the elephants jump out of trees?
A: The hippopotamus pushes them.
Q: Why do you have to be out of the forest at 5 o'clock?
A: That's when the elephants jump out of the trees.
Q: Why does the crocodile have a flat nose?
A: He was not out of the forest at five o'clock.
Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: Shoot it with a blue elephant gun
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Squeeze it's trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it w/ a blue elephant
gun.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 08:45:49 CST
From: Matt Campbell <Matt=Campbell%Eng=Dev%DV3=Hou@BANGATE.COMPAQ.COM>
Subject: Funny News Headlines
FUNNY NEWS HEADLINES
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Drunk gets nine months in violin case
Survivor of siamese twins joins parents
Farmer Bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Stud tires out
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails, veterinarian takes over
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
British left waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung cancer in women mushrooms
Eye drops off shelf
Teacher strikes idle kids
Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged cow injures farmer with axe
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
Miners refuse to work after death
Squad helps dog bite victim
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Stolen painting found by tree
Two Soviet ships collide, one dies
Two sisters reunited afster 18 years at checkout counter
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
War dims hope for peace
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
Cold wave linked to temperature
Enfiels couple slain, police suspect homicide
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 08:55:28 -0500
From: Alan Rosenberg <apr@JGVANDYKE.COM>
Subject: Country Music . . .
I'm Lyin' on my Back with Tears in my Ears,
Cryin' my Heart Out over You
It's So Lonely in the Saddle Since my Horse Died
I Dipped in the Sugar Bowl, but All I Got was Lumps
We Need a Whole Lot More of Jesus, and a Lot Less Rock 'n' Roll
Then, of course, there's the whole collection of jokes
of the form "She was only the -------'s daughter, but ...".
These generally need to be read aloud to be appreciated.
Examples:
She was only the stableman's daughter, but all the horse manure.
She was only the telegrapher's daughter, but she didit, didit, didit.
She was only the bridgetender's daughter, but she always came across.
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 10:27:04 EST
From: Ann Smith <ABSMITH@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: One for you baseball fans
When baseball great Ty Cobb was 70, a reporter asked him, "What do you
think you'd hit if you were playing in this era?"
Cobb, a lifetime .367 hitter, said, "About .290, maybe .300."
The reporter nodded. "That's because of the travel, the night games,
the artificial turf and all the new pitches like the slider, right?"
"No," said Cobb, "it's because I'm 70."
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 10:44:00 EST
From: Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject: travelling-salesman-type joke (adult subject matter)
this travelling salesman is lost WAY out on some little, rural backroad in
tennessee [;)] and figures that he should probably stop someplace and get
some condoms, just in case he has to stop and spend the night at a farmhouse
and the farmer just *happens* to have a daughter. he spots a general store
alongside the road, and stops and goes inside.
the only other person in the store is a sweet, young thing behind the
counter. he goes up to her and says that he'd like to buy some 'rubbers.'
she asks, "what size?" and he says, "no, i mean condoms." well, she STILL
asks, "ok, what SIZE?" he says that he's never heard of them being sized,
and asks how he can tell.
she explains, "wall, thar's this old fence, out back, y'see? and it's got a
buncha holes cut in it. all y'all gotta do is go out thar, start at the end
with the biggest hole, drop yore trousers, and stick yore *thang* in each
one a few times 'til y'all come to one thet fits."
well, he's never heard of such a thing, but figures he'll give it a try, and
goes out the front door and around back of the store. quick as a wink,
though, the girl beats him there by going out the back door, and runs around
BEHIND the fence. she hikes up her skirt and is waiting for him as he tries
out the first hole, and then the second, and the next, and the next and the
next!
when he finds one that fits, and she hears him heading back to the front of
the store, she beats him inside by way of the back door, again.
once he gets inside, she asks, pretty much out of breath, "well, whut size
ere ya?" and he says,
"never mind the rubbers! cut me off about three feet of that fence!"
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 10:45:20 EST
From: Lovesexy <DSRADER@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Inbred Jokes
The call is out for inbred jokes. Here are a few starters. Some are from
Shiroley Kennedy's Full Deck List. Others come from my Texas childhood, which
placed me in between Arkansas, Louisiana, and Oklahoma, those teeming hotbeds
of genetic diversity.
Family tree doesn't fork
Gene puddle
Single-helix DNA --- the other strand just says, "ditto."
If you divorce her, is she still your cousin?
Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool
Comes from a long line of first cousins
"All right, you --- out of the gene pool, now!"
And, not an inbred joke, but a classic slam from Shirley,
His/her parents threw away the baby and kept the afterbirth.
Lovesexy
H: (706) 548-6041
W: (706) 542-3238
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 09:55:01 -0800
From: DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE <MASMITH@MICKEY.CARIBOO.BC.CA>
Subject: odd thoughts
First, to all those who enjoyed the Superman serial. Sorry, I don't
have a copy of the entire series. Perhaps unlike many people, I tend
to live in the present and try to leave no trace of my past [some witness
protection thing that I'd rather not go into-for tax purposes :)]. Hence,
I do not retain many thing from my past and is probably the reason I forget
who I am every morning until some greets me by name.
If you would like a complete copy of the series I'm afraid your going
to have to do a little lane changing on the information superhighway. I
suggest you go to the logs of humor (collector lanes for
Listserv@uga.cc.uga.edu next right and following four exits)
I think I started posting the series last Thursday or Wednesday at the
earliest.
'tis a pity that it has to be this way but my wife (a great dane<-no
typo) says it would be better for me to just forget my past and not worry
about all those jelly babies I ate as a child.
Now, as if that little piece wasn't odd, here's and odd thought:
If everybody in the world could fit into an Austin Mini
Would that mean Austin has started making station wagons?
-from the odd-thought files of Manfred Vivisection
Sincerely
the other man inside my head
*Man! I think I need more sleep. This is getting to weird, even for me !
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 10:35:43 PST
From: Timothy L. Kohler <tkohler@CANON.COM>
Subject: netiquette - Dear Emily Postnews
Emily Postnews on Netiquette
"Dear Emily Postnews"
Emily Postnews, foremost authority on proper net behaviour, gives her advice
on how to act on the net.
Dear Miss Postnews: How long should my signature be? -- verbose@noisy
A: Dear Verbose: Please try and make your signature as long as you can. It's
much more important than your article, of
course, so try to have more lines of signature than actual text.
Try to include a large graphic made of ASCII characters, plus lots of cute
quotes and slogans. People will never tire of
reading these pearls of wisdom again and again, and you will soon become
personally associated with the joy each reader
feels at seeing yet another delightful repeat of your signature.
Be sure as well to include a complete map of USENET with each signature, to
show how anybody can get mail to you from
any site in the world. Be sure to include Internet gateways as well. Also tell
people on your own site how to mail to you.
Give independent addresses for Internet, UUCP, and BITNET, even if they're all
the same.
Aside from your reply address, include your full name, company and
organization.
It's just common courtesy -- after all, in
some newsreaders people have to type an *entire* keystroke to go back to the
top
of your article to see this information in
the header.
By all means include your phone number and street address in every single
article. People are always responding to usenet
articles with phone calls and letters. It would be silly to go to the extra
trouble of including this information only in articles
that need a response by conventional channels!
------
Dear Emily: Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. What
should I do? -- forgetful@myvax
A: Dear Forgetful: Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that
says, "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with
that last article. Here it is."
Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, (particularly
since
it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice,
juicy signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more
about the signature anyway. See the previous
letter for more important details.
Also, be sure to include your signature TWICE in each article. That way you're
sure people will read it.
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 14:53:25 -0500
From: SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET
Subject: World War II Joke
Several American POWs were being spoken to by the commandant in charge of the
Stalig.
"Tomorrow, zee general vill be here to observe der camp. He likes efreyting
to be in tick-tock order. Begin calling out now, going down zee row."
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tick
The commandant goes up to the offending prisoner, removes his glove, slaps the
prisoner's face with it and says,
"Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 16:07:28 -0400
From: M. K. Villard - AVC Health Management <villard@VENUS.CC.HOLLANDC.PE.CA>
Subject: Re: She was only a ...daughter... mildly offense to some
Hi,
This is one from MacLean & MacLean...
She was only a fisherman's daughter, but you should have seen
here real when she saw my rod......
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 14:43:16 EST
From: ADAM CHNG <B93CC@CUNYVM.BITNET>
Subject: HILARIOUS ONELINER HEADLINER..
Hilarious Oneliner Headline for the likes of "The Enquirer" and such..
Dog bit girl and claims in self defense,"She bit me first".
Doctors found cure to headache by sawing off patient's head
Discovered: Russian scientists torture whales for advanced technology
Lawyer sue dog for urinating on him
Bush seen playing golf with Saddam Hussein
Doctors claim patient rip his own heart out during heart surgery and died
Students fire professor after getting bad grades
"My homework was stolen by aliens",boy gives excuse to teacher
For sale: World Trade Center, "fair condition" No guarantees. Fix it yourself
Cat sues dog in dispute over territorial grounds. Case taken to Supreme Court
Dog bit child and claims she took his rubber bone
Dog bit boy and claims he looked like meat from his perspective
Dog bit girl and girl bit him back, harder
Baby saves dog drowning in pool
World Trade Center Fell down and new concrete island was created
Boy bit dog in revenge for his sister bitten by the same dog
Well, contributions needed to continue this. Mail them to Humor not me!
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 15:27:48 -0500
From: Jascha Franklin-Hodge <joeshmoe@WORLD.STD.COM>
Subject: Music and Religion
From: edp@panix.com (Ed Price)
Newsgroups: rec.music.bluenote
Subject: Cannibalistic rhythmic orgies Yes!
Date: 2 Mar 1994 18:03:04 -0500
Organization: PANIX Public Access Unix, NYC
The custodians of public morals were profoundly shocked by the rise of
syncopated music in America at the turn of the century. The *Musical
Courier*, in an editorial entitled "Degenerate Music", published in its
issue of September 13, 1899, took note of the new peril: "A wave of vulgar,
filthy and suggestive music has inundated its obscene posturings, its lewd
gestures.... Our children, our young men and women, are continually
exposed to the contiguity, to the monotonous attrition of this vulgarizing
music. It is artistically and morally depressing, and should be suppressed
by press and pulpit."
The Most Reverend Francais J. L. Beckman, Archbishop of Dubuque, told the
National Council of Catholic Women at Biloxi, Mississippi, on October 25,
1938: "A degenerated and demoralizing musical system is given to a
disgusting christening as 'swing' and turned loose to gnaw away the moral
fiber of young people.... Jam sessions, jitterbugs and cannibalistic
rhythmic orgies are wooing our youth along the primrose path to Hell!"
In Russia, American popular music was damned as "a rhthymically organized
chaos of deliberately ugly neuro-pathological sounds". American jazz band
leaders were described in Soviet publications as "jazz bandits".
Maxim Gorky, to whom American dance music was a capitalist perversion,
reported his impression of a jazz band concert in these words: "An idiotic
little hammer knocks drily: one, two, three, ten, twenty knocks. Then,
like a clod of mud thrown into crystal-clear water, there is wild
screaming, hissing, rattling, wailing, moaning, cackling. Bestial cries
are heard: neighing horses, the squeal of a brass pig, crying jackasses,
amorous quacks of a monstrous toad.... This excruciating medley of brutal
sounds is subordinated to a barely perceptible rhythm. Listening to this
screaming music for a minute or two, one conjures up an orchestra of
madmen, sexual maniacs, led by a man-stallion beating time with an enormous
phallos."
Sir Richard R. Terry saw in jazz a challenge to the white race. He wrote
in *Voodoism in Music*: "The White races just now are submerged in a spate
of negroid sentiment. Hot Jazz, Fox Trots and Black Bottoms occupy the
young folk; Negro Spirituals send the adults into tears; the Crooner wails
his erotic inanities every night over the Radio. We have reached the stage
of a spineless acceptance of all these phenomena.... We may see no
paganism in what we deem mere harmless amusements, but the observant
onlooker cannot fail to see that in the not too far distant future the
Catholic Church will be standing as the one barrier in the path of the
pagan advance."
Jazz was assailed as the work of Satan by the English composer and
theosophist Cyril Scott: "After the dissemination of jazz, which was
definitely put through by the Dark Forces, a very marked decline in sexual
morals became noticeable. Whereas at one time women were content with
decorous flirtation, a vast number of them are now constantly preoccupied
with the search for erotic adventures, and have thus turned sexual passion
into a species of hobby."
Nicolas Slonimsky, _Lexicon of Musical Invective_
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 14:27:55 CST
From: Jim Duffen Mu <C527772@MIZZOU1.BITNET>
Subject: Wrigley Field
I saw this billboard in a Sports magazine that I thought was funny
and I thought I would share it with you. It was in Chicago when
they first decided to put lights at Wrigley Field. The billboard
said "Give me a light, no Bud Light."
Jim
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 12:38:33 CST
From: List John Hinkle <jhinkle@SUN004.CPDSC.COM>
Subject: unwritten book titles...
how 'bout:
- "A Trip to the Outhouse" by: Willie makit
narrated by: betty wont
illustrated by: andy did
- "Trails in the Sand" by: dick dragin
- "Under the Bleachers" by: semour butts
(and the ever so popular)
- The Yellow River" by: eye p. freely
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 16:49:31 EST
From: Andrew Hersey <ah9e@UVA.PCMAIL.VIRGINIA.EDU>
Subject: grasshopper joke
ok, so this grasshopper goes into a bar, sits down on a stool. bartender
comes up to him, says "hey, you know, we have a drink named after you"
the grasshopper says "you have a drink named melvin?"
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 15:53:21 CST
From: McGrath, Lisa <lmcgrath@CCMAIL.UWSA.EDU>
Subject: Vampires
Best if spoken aloud with a vampire-ish accent:
A vampire walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says "I vant
a glass of blooood". So the bartender gets him his glass of blood. A
little while later another vampire walks into the bar, goes up to the
bartender and says "I vant a glass of blooood". So the bartender
gives him a glass of blood also. The two vampires are sitting there
sipping on their blood when in walks a third vampire. He walks up to
the bartender and says " I vant a glass of plaaasma". The bartender
says "Plasma? What's plasma?" "Why you know," said the third vampire
"Blood Lite!"
Sorry if its old - the recent vampire and Bud Light jokes just brought
it to mind.
Keep up the great jokes,
Lisa
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 15:48:58 -0600
From: Wendell E Gragg <wgragg@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Tonya Song (Clean)
A group of my 5th grade computer students made up this song about Tonya
Harding, to be sung to the tune of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego.
Where in the World is Tonya Harding's Crowbar
Where in the world is Tonya Harding's crowbar?
She was beat in the Olympics,
by her bub Nancy Kerrigan.
Once she heard she had got a medal,
She wanted to beat her knee again.
Then she'd take Nancy for a walk,
by her future bloody graveyard. Tell me,
Where in the world is Tonya Harding's crowbar? (repeat)
Did she leave it up in Norway?
Did she leave it in the rink?
I guess that if she had it, she'd say,
"Nancy, you realy stink!"
Then she'd use her metal armor and turn Nancy's knee all red,
Tell me,
Where in the world is Tonya Harding's crowbar? (repeat)
Written by: Melissa Stearns, Kara Wolf, Amanda Lewis
Dedicated to Nancy Kerrigan.
Not bad for a group of 5th graders!
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 16:12:27 CST
From: CC931CC <CC931CC@TCUAMUS.IS.TCU.EDU>
Subject: FUNNY SAYINGS
I'm busier than a button on an outhouse door.
It's so nice outside, I think I'll leave it out.
It's so cold outside it could freeze a freckle off a frogs ass.
It's colder than a witches tit
He's as helpful as a rubber crutch
These just came to mind, but if anyone out there has more to add, please
do so.
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 16:16:17 -0500
From: Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA <fowler@PALRES.DNET.SANDOZ.COM>
Subject: A priest joke
A truck driver was thundering along the country roads of rural Arizona
when he passed a priest peering uncertainly under the hood [excuse all
the American terminoloy] an apparently disabled vehicle. Now our
truck driver friend had an absolute loathing for hitch-hikers, but in
good conscience he could not pass by a priest, so he pulled up and
offered him a lift into the nearest town. The priest was suitably
grateful for the offer, and they set off down the road.
As luck would have it [and certainly convenient for the joke :)], a
few miles later there was a coyote sleeping in the road. Now if there was
one thing the trucker hated more than hitch-hikers, it was coyotes, but
having the priest right next to him made things a little awkward.
Nevertheless, the trucker managed to feign a terrible foot cramp at
just the right moment, and ground the coyote under his wheels with
a satisfying SQUISH! "Oh Jesus Christ! I mean, oh golly gosh! That
was terrible father. What a terrible moment to get a cramp!"
"That's all right my son. Just between you and me, I'm not too fond
of coyotes anyway."
They continued down the road, and again as luck would have it they
came across a hippy, hitch hiking by the road side. Now if there was
one thing the trucker hated more than hitch-hikers or coyotes, it
was hippies. A hitch-hiking hippy was surely more than man was intended
to have to suffer. Unfortunately the priest definitely made things
difficult. Thinking quickly, the trucker closed his eyes, yawned
loudly, and faked falling dead asleep at the wheel, giving the truck
just a little more gas up onto the roadside where the hippy was
standing. Seeing impending death in the shape of an 18-wheeler, the
hippy sprang back from the roadside and was clearly about to make good
his escape, much to the disgust of the trucker, when suddenly there
was a satisfying KERTHUMP! and the trucker heard..
"That's all right my son. I got him with the door."
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 18:56:06 EST
From: Alan Levy <alevy@EDEN.RUTGERS.EDU>
Subject: possibly religous offense
I saw this on a bumper sticker that was originaly one of those "JESUS SAVES"
bumper stickers. But someone put some graffitti on it to make it hilarious.
Here it is:
JESUS SAVES -- Gretzky gets the rebound, he shoots, HE SCORES!!!!
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 16:09:01 PST
From: Jay Sandhu <jsandhu@ESRI.COM>
Subject: old polish joke (clean)
Here is a joke that was told to me by a polish friend of mine:
In a train, travelling is a Russian military man, a Polish young woman,
a Polish old woman and (Alas) a Polish man. The train goes through a
tunnel and everyone hears a big smooch and following it, a loud slap;
once out of the tunnel, the atmosphere seemes to be as calm as before
but everyone is reflecting upon the two sounds heard in the tunnel.
The Old woman is thinking: "Ha! our Polish girls are so brave, this
Russian tried to kiss her and got what he deserved, long live Poland".
The Young girl is thinking: "The Russian must have tried to kiss me but
kissed the old woman instead and got what he deserved, long live
Poland".
The Russian is thinking: "The Polish man must have kissed the young
girl and she, thinking that I had done that, slaped me".
And the Polish man is thinking: "Ha! Ha!, I kissed the back of my hand
and slaped the Russian bastard and no body was any wiser".
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 15:58:00 PST
From: Wayland Wasserman <waylandw@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject: FW: Believe it or not
Cockroach Slain, Husband Badly Hurt
Reuters
Tel Aviv
An Israeli housewife's fight with a stubborn cockroach put her
husband in the hospital with burns, a broken pelvis and broken ribs, the
Jerusalem Post newspaper reported yesterday.
The wife, frightened by the insect when she found it in their living
room, stepped on it, threw it in a toilet and sprayed a full can of
insecticide on it when it refused to die.
Her husband came home from work, went to the toilet and lit a
cigarette. When he threw the cigarette butt into the bowl, the insecticide
fumes ignited, "seriously burning his sensitive parts," the Post wrote.
When paramedics were called to the home in Tel Aviv, they laughed so
hard when they learned what had happened that they dropped the
stretcher down the stairs, breaking the unidentified man's pelvis and ribs.
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Date: Fri, 11 Mar 1994 21:40:35 -0800
From: Tom Welbers <twelbers@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: "Their Way"--inoffensive except to dour academics
THEIR WAY
(Sung to Frank Sinatra's "My Way," of course.)
I came, brought all my books, lived in the dorm, followed directions.
I worked, I studied hard, met lots of folk who had connections.
I crammed, they gave me grades, though may I say, not in a fair way.
But more, much more than this, I did it their way.
I memorized all sorts of things, although I know I'll never use them.
The courses that I took were all required; I didn't choose them.
I learned that to survive it's best to act the doctrinaire way.
And so I buckled down, and did it their way.
But there were times, I wondered why I had to walk when I could fy.
I had my doubts, but after all, I clipped my wings, I learned to crawl,
I learned to bend, and in the end, I did it their way.
And so, my fine young friend, now that I am a full professor,
Where once I was oppressed, I've now become the cruel oppressor.
Like me, you'll learn to cope, you'll learn to climb life's golden stairway.
Like me, you'll see the light, you'll do it their way.
For what can I say, what can I do? Open your book, read chapter two.
And if to you, it seems routine, don't speak to me, go see the dean.
As long as they give me my pay, I'll do it . . . their way!
(Words by Bob Blue, sung by Michael Cooney on Prairie Home Companion,
April 18, 1987. Transcribed from broadcast by Tom Welbers.)
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