Digest for Sunday, April 03, 1994
There are 7 messages totalling 314 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- MORE BOOK TITLES (offensive to chineese and book lovers)
- The Bible: offensive to Christians
- Kid Humor; one mild expletive
- Joke
- H: DC needs a baseball team
- HUMOR: Kids say the darnest things
- Over Weight & Pizza Hut Urinals
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Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 10:31:31 -0400
From: John Hinkle <jhinkle@SUN004.CPDSC.COM>
Subject: MORE BOOK TITLES (offensive to chineese and book lovers)
"Over Population in China" by: We Fuckem young
"Antlers in the Trees" by: Who Goosed, the Moose
"Yellow Puddles on the Moon" by: I.P. Farr
"Transparent Bikini's" by: Seymour Butts
I know these are old (sorry), but i'm sure someone hasen't heard them before.
If you've got any more send them my way. jhinkle@sun004.cpdsc.com
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* "ticking away the moments that make up a dull day... *
* ...you fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way. *
* kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town. *
* waiting for someone or something to show you the way" *
* _pink floyd_DSOTM *
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Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 07:06:36 -0400
From: TK Baltimore <tkbalt@MINERVA.CIS.YALE.EDU>
Subject: The Bible: offensive to Christians
Date : 3rd May 0023
TO:
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
Judea.
Dear Sirs,
It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and
publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he
is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published
in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the
highest authority.
However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life
and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:
1. That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you
propose, 'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story'.
2. That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin
Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you
utilise the 'virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ realises that this is
entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-one ever went bust underestimating
the credibility of the average religious zealot.
3. That all references to the incident involving the members of
members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon to be
exised forthwith.
4. That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual
circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An
accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the theatrical
impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric effects of a large
cast.
5. That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to 'My
dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love, squiggles.'
6. That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be
introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the case,
that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent exposure, should
on no account be discussed.
7. And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be removed
or at least modified.
As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why
you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he
doesn't see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your
previous books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter -
Slashin' the Winded'. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in
the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer
of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book.
In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his
promotion for 'Shake 'n' Vac'.
Yours sincerely.
Adam G Smith.
pp Jesus H Christ.
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Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 12:31:18 -0500
From: Mark Darrall <00mtdarrall@LEO.BSUVC.BSU.EDU>
Subject: Kid Humor; one mild expletive
From the mouths of babes:
Our five-year-old Kevin has recently been testing his new vocabulary on us; we
try not to make a fuss about it but do make it clear that inappropriate
language is unacceptable. One day, when told he couldn't have a snack, he
stomped off, saying "Darn it!" and then turned back to judge my wife's
reaction.
Seeing her disapproving look, he explained,"I was going to say 'damn it'
but I didn't."
So there you go...
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Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 14:23:29 EST
From: Ken Landa <B2RT@MUSICB.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: Joke <pachydermally oriented>
More Wacky Pachyderm Humor -- Enjoy :)
Q. How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagen?
A. Five. Two in the front, three in the back.
Q. How can you tell if an elephant has been in your house?
A. By the tracks in the peanut butter.
Q. How can you tell if two elephants have been in your house?
A. Two sets of tracks in the peanut butter.
Q. How can you tell if more than two elephants have been in your house?
A. By the Volkswagen parked outside!
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Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 14:35:16 EST
From: Kathleen Williams <WILLIA3@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: H: DC needs a baseball team <bashing the press>
This is my first contribution to Humor@UGA :-)
Mike Royko on Washington Press and Whitewater
You probably don't realize it, but most of us live in a place
called "Out There."
The land of Out There is huge. It sprawls from the warm tip of
Florida to the frigid Canadian border, and from New York to Los
Angeles.
In fact, it includes everything in this country except Washington,
D.C., and the surrounding suburbs where the politicians, federal
bureaucrats and news people make their homes.
This much tinier community of Washington is known as "Here."
I've become aware of this geographic distinction by watching the
various Washington-based TV shows that feature bigtime news pundits
who discuss the great issues of the day.
On most of these shows, one of the pundits will say: "Is this
something that they care about out there or is it something that only
we care about here?"
The idea is that if the people who live Out There don't care, then
the issue might be less important than those who live Here realize.
An example is the Whitewater affair, which has just about
everybody of importance in Washington in a tizzy.
But when Whitewater is discussed on TV, the question is still
asked: Does anyone Out There really care?
As a lifelong resident of Out There, I think I can answer that
question: Yes, no, maybe and who knows?
Most of us who live here, which means Out There, are not as
obsessed by the Whitewater affair as those who live there, which means
Here.
For one thing, most of us Out There don't understand what it is
all about. We are waiting for those who live Here to explain it to us.
But that's a problem because those who live Here, which means
there, don't seem to understand it too well, either.
As far as I can tell, there is a suspicion that back in their
Arkansas days, the Clintons did something unethical and now they are
trying to cover it up.
But what they did isn't clear, except that they invested in a bum
real estate deal in Arkansas with a banker-friend who turned out to be
wild and crazy with other people's money. He is no longer the
Clintons' friend and has become kind of a seedy local kook. That's
life in the fast lane.
There are also questions about lawyer Hillary serving on boards of
big corporations that gave money to her husband's political campaigns,
handling legal matters that put her on both sides of the fence and
maybe fudging on income tax.
So how do most of us Out There, which means just about everywhere,
feel about this?
Well, in Chicago, which is part of Out There, most people are less
concerned with this issue than they are over the question of whether
Michael Jordan should keep trying to hit a baseball, or come back and
rescue the Bulls from total collapse.
They are also concerned about their schools, children, cars,
paychecks and mortgage payments; cholesterol level, sodium intake and
pains in their joints, chest, and sinuses; the arrogant bully who is
their boss and whether they should splurge on a new set of heel-toe
weighted irons.
It's not that they are indifferent to the great issues of the day
that send the McGoofy Group into a tizzy. But most people lead normal
lives, which means that they don't hang on every word uttered at every
Washington press conference. While C-SPAN has a devoted following, it
can't compete with Oprah or even Geraldo.
Then there is the shock factor. And so far Whitewater doesn't have
it.
Most people Out There know that Clinton is a lawyer and has spent
most of his adult life in politics. Hillary was a bigtime corporate
lawyer and political wife in Arkansas.
Is anyone going to gasp and collapse at the thought that a pair of
successful lawyer-politicians might have engaged in practices that
were -- eek -- unethical? Of course not. It is assumed that
politicians and lawyers are capable of being unethical, or why would
they embarrass themselves and their loved ones by taking up these
trades?
If anyone ran for office by saying, "I have never done anything
unethical, dishonest, or fibbed in my whole life, and I never will,
honest to goodness, cross my heart and hope to die," he would
immediately be branded a shameless liar and a fraud and would suffer a
crushing defeat.
No, most of us who live Out There have become almost shockproof. A
new serial killer has trouble crashing the front page, so who gets
bug-eyed about details of a failed real estate development on an
Arkansas trout stream?
During his campaign, it came out that Clinton had been a
draft-dodger and quite possibly was a chronic bed-hopper. That was so
shocking that he was elected President of the United States.
Since the election, his old Arkansas bodyguards have told lurid
stories of Clinton sneaking out of the governor's mansion for
late-night hanky-panky in, among other places, school parking lots.
And that was met by a national yawn.
So why should anyone expect the great population Out There to be
excited over murky ethical, legal and financial questions that most
lawyers and CPAs would have trouble understanding?
I've said it before and I'll say it again: What Washington needs
is its own baseball team. It would give the McGoofy Group something to
think about.
(C) 1994 BY THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE
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Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 18:28:38 EST
From: Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: HUMOR: Kids say the darnest things
From: Mark Vellek <mvellek@BIGCAT.MISSOURI.EDU>
Subject: A Cute Anecdote
My insurance salesman had a cute anecdote that is true:
He and his wife took their 5 year old little girl out to dinner at any
place she wanted. She chose, wisely, one of the most expensive places in
town to eat.
Once they were there, she likes shrimp, so they ordered her a shrimp
cocktail and they both ordered escargot. When the appetizers arrived, she
asked innocently, "What are those, and can I try one?" They explained
what they were, where they come from and that they are a delicacy in
France. Then they said, "Sure, honey."
Turns out she really liked them, so she turned to her mommy and said,
"Mommy, I would gladly trade you my shrimp for your catepillars."
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Date: Sun, 3 Apr 1994 21:54:53 -0600
From: Jesse DuPont <cwjdupon@ANTELOPE.WCC.EDU>
Subject: Over Weight & Pizza Hut Urinals <very funny>
My girlfriend's father had a rather interesting experience at a Pizza Hut
one time. Their oldest son, now 15, was approximately 5 or 6 and had to
use the restroom. So, he to him into the restroom. The father used the
urinal and the son used the regular toilet. When the son came out of the
stall, he gave the father a really funny look. The father thought nothing
of it. However, as the two were walking back to the table, the son yelled
back to his mother, "Mom, dad pee'd in the sink!" Of course, the whole
restaraunt heard the little boy and needles to say, the father turned
beet-red. The little boy had never seen a urinal before and thought it was
the sink. I was definitely ROTFL my head off!
<possibly offensive to over-weight people such as myself :) >
A little boy and his father were grocery shopping one day when the boy
spotted a rather large female. The little boy exclaimed, "Dad, she's
huge!" The father quieted the boy down and went to another isle. About two
isles down, the boy saw the same woman and said the same thing. Of course,
the father was getting kind-of annoyed and dragged the boy into another
isle. Well, as they were approaching the ckeck stand, the samee woman was
in line in front of them. Suddenly, her beeper went off the boy screamed,
"Dad, she's backing up, watch out!..."
Who ever submitted the "What did the elephant say to the naked man" joke,
I must give a thousand thanks, I have told everyone I know and haven't had
a single complaint! Thanks!
Jess
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