Digest for Monday, May 02, 1994
There are 15 messages totalling 582 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Friends, Britons, Countrymen, send us your fleas! What is true love? Here is an illustration of it:
- SICK JOKE
- Oldie: You know you a ho when...
- Almanac Humor: The eternal reward of a miser
- Clinton Joke
- The customer is always right
- Funny things Rush said
- The Old Man & The Donkey
- Learning to spell with "Darnell" [1/2] (may offend some)
- Life 4.B A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Feb 89
- world war I joke [potentially offensive to german people]
- nuns confession
- Humor: Dogs & Foxes
- Top ten Bob Barker Turn Ons
- Humor: Interesting diagnosis
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Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 01:03:11 -0500
From: Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Friends, Britons, Countrymen, send us your fleas! What is true love? Here is an illustration of it:
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Friends, Britons, Countrymen, send us your fleas!
Reuter reported on 20 April 1994 that scientists at a pharmaceuticals
firm researching insects wants people to, if they find a flea, "wrap it
in adhesive tape, put it in an envelope, and send it to us."
They want to figure out exactly when and where Britain's fleas come out
and infest dogs and cats. Some fleas jump ten thousand times before
finding a host. "After finding a host, they start an orgy of gluttony
and sex, dying of exhaustion a week later."
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What is true love? Here is an illustration of it:
Husband: Who told you to put up that horrible wallpaper?
Wallpaper-hanger: Your wife, sir.
Husband: Oh. Lovely color, isn't it?
This is semi-original: I heard the core of the joke from a sermon,
but modified it and tacked on the conclusion.
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Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 09:38:28 GMT-2
From: Alon D. Ucko <Z9469524@NORTON.CTECH.AC.ZA>
Subject: SICK JOKE
What is white, fury and sees stars?
A baby seal being clubbed.
(I warned you)
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Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 04:47:38 PDT
From: Adam Rifkin <adam@VLSI.CS.CALTECH.EDU>
Subject: Oldie: You know you a ho when... <offensive to ho's>
YOU KNOW YOU A HO WHEN......
1. You've slept with Geraldo Rivera.
2. Arsenio touches your knee.
3. Even Richard Dawson won't kiss you.
4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
5. You become a vaseline spokesperson.
6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
7. The EPA comes looking for you.
8. You go throught a Sealy (tm) a week.
9. Frederik actaully comes to your door himself...just to see where 1/2 of
his orders go.
10. When people say "Ho, Ho, Ho" and it's July.
11. When you don't know "What's his name?"
12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
13. You are the headquarters for the CDC.
14. Your baby looks familiar, but......like who?
15. When they change your # to 976.
16. Tetracycline is your best friend.
17. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
20. When you've got a "Take a NUmber" machine at your door.
21. When they call you "Shazam" and they don't mean the money machine!
22. When you get hemrhoids on you shoulders.
23. When getting dresses is not part of your day.
24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
27. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
28. When your motto is "2 Days, 2 Pounds...$2.90."
29. When your ceing mirrors fog.
30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
31. On the golf course, your afraid to yell "Fore (four)."
32. When the word Slalom gets you excited.
33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
34. When you have a neon sign saying "open at night".
35. You want to have your name changed to Misty.
36. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
37. You start to think of youself as Smurfette.
38. You haven't seen your floor in a week.
39. When sunlight scares you.
40. When your favorite quote is "next please".
41. You know all the people in "America's Most Wanted".
42. When Susan Sarandon envies you.
43. When Guiness Book starts calling.
44. When every song reminds you of someone...but who?
45. When everyone is refers to you as "dear" and "honey".
46. When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
50. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
51. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
52. The Big Dipper looks inviting.
53. When soft foods have become distasteful.
54. White sauce is a staple in your diet.
55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
56. When it only taked 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
58. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".
59. You and Prince have already made 3 records.
60. When the neighbors want you to install a drive up window.
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Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 10:52:25 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Almanac Humor: The eternal reward of a miser
A miser being dead and fairly interred, came to the banks of the river
Styx, desiring to be carried over, along with the other ghosts. Charon
demands his fare, and is surprised to see the miser, rather than pay
it, throw himself into the river and swim over to the other side,
notwithstanding all the clamour and opposition that could be made to
him. All hell was in an uproar; and each of the judges was meditating
some punishment suitable to a crime of such dangerous consequences.
"Shall he be chained to the rock along with Prometheus? Or tremble
below the precipice in company with the Danaides? Or assist Sisyphus
in rolling his stone?" "No," says Minos, "none of these, we must
invent some severer punishment, let him be sent back to the earth, to
see the use his heirs are making of his riches." (The Federal Almanack
for 1795)
Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American
Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.
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Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 07:31:00 PDT
From: Cox Terry 5741 <TerryC@MS70.NUWES.SEA06.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Clinton Joke
Bill Clinton had his cabinet in for a meeting. He looked around the room
and declared "I am tired of every one calling me a whimp." So to prove his
manliness he jumped up on his desk, unzipped his pants and pulled out his
pecker. He then opened a box on his desk and pulled out a small alligator.
The alligator then proceeded to chomp down on bill's Pecker. He was oohing
and aahing and generally bearing the pain to show that he wasn't a whimp. He
then pulled out a pencil and poked the alligator in the eye and the
alligator loosened his grip.
Now bill wanted everyone else to prove that they weren't a whimp also and
called on al gore to prove his manliness. Al said "OK, Ill do it. But
would bill please not poke him in the eye when he was done."
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Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 12:44:39 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: The customer is always right <humor>
In this week's Dave Barry column, he writes: A Russian electric company
got into a billing dispute and cute off a customer's electricity. This
customer, however, happened to be a Russian army arsenal commander who
ordered a tank to drive over to the electric company's office and aim
its gun at the windows. The electricity was turned right back on.
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Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 13:15:45 EST
From: Sim Webster <WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Funny things Rush said <American Political Humor>
"Did Michelangelo ever use the term knockers? I was just
wondering..."
"Maybe many of you people out there are tired of me talking
(about me). Well, get over it, because that's what we do
here."
"I have a better receipe for black escape from misery
than the civil rights leaderhsip does. You make black
people listen to this show."
"Columbus saved the Indians from themselves."
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Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 14:12:00 -0500
From: Sarbjit Sahansra <Sarbjit.Sahansra@MCCON.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject: The Old Man & The Donkey <Risque, (R) Language>
One sunny day an old farmer set out to town to sell his fresh
vegetable on his donkey wagon. Just as he got into the town the
services at the local church just ended and out came hordes of people
and small children. At the sight of this the donkey on this old mans
wagon got nervous and decided to take relieve himself. The donkey
quickly whipped his foot long "wiener" and began to take a leak. At
the sight of this the children just amazed at the sight of such a long
penis gather all around the donkey and began to laugh and giggle.
Upon hearing all the commotion the police officer assigned to
direct traffic came to the old man and complained about all the
commotion. The old man simply said there is nothing I can do if these
kids stare at my donkey. Well the officer said if you can't get this
donkey to "roll up" his penis then I'm going to have to ask you to
leave. The old man furiously went over to the donkey and whispered
something in his ear and all of a sudden the donkey rolled up his
cock. The officer just amazed at what he saw asked the old man what
he said to the donkey.
The old man replied, I simply told the donkey that if you don't
roll up that cock of yours, that fat and hairy officer is going to
give you a Blow-Job!!!!!
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Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 14:53:32 EDT
From: Dan Hotopp <tron!ami1.bwi.wec.com!HOTOPP@UUNET.UU.NET>
Subject: Learning to spell with "Darnell" [1/2] (may offend some)
LEARNING TO SPELL WITH "DARNELL" [Part 1 of 2]
This is "Learning to Spell with Darnell." I be Darnell Jackson, and
today we're gonna spell the word__________. Spell it with me now,
____________. Now let's use it in a sentence.
Widen: "When my girlfriend, Larina, told me she was pregnant I said,
widen you tell me you didn't use no birth control?"
Urinal: "After the police broke down my front door last night, they
said, Darnell, urinal lot of trouble."
Undermine: "There's a fine looking bitch living in the apartment right
undermine.
Stain: "My sister and brother-in-law stopped by the other day, so I
asked them, you plannin on stain?"
Sodomy: "When I go out at night, I like to have a bitch on one sodomy
and another bitch on the other sodomy."
Semen: "I never did know who my papa was cause my mama semen left
and right."
Seldom: "I had two extra tickets to the basketball game the other
night, so I seldom to my friend."
Rectum: "I had two Cadillacs, but my girlfriend rectum both."
Polyp: "On my way home from the Piston's game the other night, I was
involved in a five-car polyp on I-75."
Penis: "I saw my parole officer the other day and he handed me a
little paper cup and said, here penis.
Orgasm: "I asked my cousin Dexter about the death penalty in his
state. I asked if they electrocute em, hand, orgasm."
Oreo: "I told my friend, Alonzo, if he wanted my sister, he could
pay me 50 bucks now oreo me 100 bucks on Friday."
Oral: "My friend Sebastian said, give me 25 cents oral blow your
head off."
Odyssey: "When I got back from the Windsor Ballet, I told my friends,
you odyssey the tits on that babe."
Menstruate: "With the fashions today you can't keep the women and
menstruate."
Manual: "I told my buddy Tyrone, manual get yourself in trouble if
you keep messing with that hoe."
Letter: "The ugly bitch downstairs came knocking on Darnell's door
the other night and I wouldn't letter in."
July: "After the trial, my mama asked me, did you tell the truth
or July?"
Income: "My girlfriend and I just got into bed, when income my wife."
Horde: "My mama always did have a bad reputation cause she horde
around in her school."
Honor: "At our rape trial the judge asked my buddy Jarvis, who be
honor?"
Homo: "The bitch I'm living with called me at the bar the other
night. She said Darnell, honey, are you coming homo what?"
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Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 14:20:33 PDT
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 4.B A collection of clean humor gathered on: 15 Feb 89
At Calgary, the computer science department has an award called the
Williams Cup (as in old stained coffee cup), which is given yearly
to the student who hands in the most imaginative rendition of a
regular programming assignment.
Anyway, as the story goes, the cup was awarded to a student
who'd done a desk calculator assignment. Seems that the prof
hadn't specified that you had to do it in decimal, so his/her
program did math with _roman_numerals_.
The clincher for the award must have been his/her programming
style, since of course, the documentation was in _latin_ 8-)
This tale is true, I was there.
The DEC users group here occasionally has Q+A sessions with a rep.
of said company which sometimes become complaint and apology sessions. I
remember one particular complaint from a Physics professor who claimed that
his microVax was having problems with its tk50 tape drive and he had lost
a fair quantity of data when the drive allegedly mangled a tape (magnetically,
not physically). Some discussion ensued and the professor griped that he
also didn't like the way that the screen display "flexed" every time they
turned the equipment on next door.
It turns out that the "equipment next door" is a largish Tokomak fusion
reactor - the electromagnets in the thing have to be seen to be believed.
(And this man is a physics professor - phew!)
Once upon a time in the MBA factory...
About fifty prospective MBAs were learning how to run an IBM PC. The
computer lab had a bunch of nice hard-disk equipped machines, with 1-2-3 and
dBase and Word, etc, all lined up in front of a video projector.
"Today we're going to learn how to use DOS to format a disk. Everybody
have their floppy disk ready? Good. Put it into the disk drive. (No no, it
goes in the *other* way...that's right....)
"Okay, now to format a disk, you use the command FORMAT C:"
...and they all typed it in.
The other story says that a customer wanted something fixed for a
particular hardware setup for which we had no docs. The problem shouldn't
be difficult to solve, but we needed the docs and the customer was
really in a hurry. The person in charge of the thing asked the customer
if he would be willing to FAX us a certain part of the manuals. After a
moment's thought, he answered "OK, but only if you promise to FAX it back!"
Some computer-illiterate visitors were shown the CDC6400 at the Hebrew
University of Jerusalem. One of them asked how does the machine do all
these wonderful things; their guide joked that it has a small man
inside.
While he was speaking, a CDC technician (the late Rachmim Moreno, a
small man indeed) has just finished some routine maintenance and
stepped out of the machine.
Real, real, true, swear-by-God story:
A friend of mine was repairing a Russian EC-20 computer
in Bangalore, India. He found an insulated wire soldered
to a pin of a chip. Looking for the other end, he traced
and he traced and he traced - 10 feet of wire, and the
other end was soldered to an adjacent chip!
As it turned out, they needed a 10 ns delay between the
two pins.
Heard recently from an IBM field service manager:
A huge travel agency in Florida (a major booker of Caribbean cruises
for blue-haired retired ladies) recently bought an IBM 3090 to handle the
reservation database. When the deal was consummated, the proud new
owner asked IBM to install it in a big glass room right behind the
receptionist's area so all the customers could see the flashing lights
and spinning tape reels as they walked in -- a testimony to the
modernity of the agency.
Good idea, except there are no blinking lights on a 3090. So the
service manager offered to build some. They hired a theatrical designer
to come up with a suitably futuristic "set", got curved glass walls to
minimize reflections, and installed the mainframe behind the
"real-looking" facade. The customer declared that it was exactly what
he had in mind, regardless of what the actual computer looks like.
Moral: the customer is always right.
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Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 18:03:00 EDT
From: Musat, Bob <bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU>
Subject: world war I joke [potentially offensive to german people]
the trenches were a mere fifty yards apart, but neither side seemed able to
gain a significant advantage over the other, and the standoff had gone on
for weeks. morale all along the lines was low, incidence of trenchmouth
[and foot] was high. finally, Paddy, the only irishman in the ranks of the
british, approached his sergeant and asked, "sergeant, what's a really,
really common german name?"
the sergeant thought for a few seconds and answered, "Fritz."
so, paddy went down to one end of the trench and called out across the
desolate waste of no-man;s-land, "hey, fritz!"
a german soldier popped his head up above ground and called back, "Ja?!"
BANG! right between the eyes! paddy goes down the line a few dozen yards,
or so, and tries again:
"hey, fritz!"
"ja?!"
BANG!
[move down the lines]
"hey, fritz!"
"ja?!"
BANG!
this works for quite some time, and paddy is single-handedly decimating the
german forces, one by one, all the way down the front. near the end of the
trench, however, is a german who sees this coming, and goes to HIS sergeant
and asks, "sergeant, vas ist ein really, really, common englisher nomen?"
the sergeant thinks and thinks and thinks and finally comes up with,
"paddy."
so the german soldier goes to the end of the trench and calls out across the
desolate waste of no-man;s-land, "hey, paddy!"
needless to say, this is NOT a very common name for an englishman, but the
german soldier doesn't know this, and is terribly puzzled when no one jumps
up to answer him. he, too, goes down the line a few dozen yards, or so, and
tries again:
"hey, paddy!"
no response again.
he keeps on trying over and over until he's almost to the other end of his
lines. in desperation, he tries one last time:
"hey paddy!"
"is that you, fritz?"
"ja?!"
BANG!
:)
be seeing you,
oxo
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Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 17:07:37 -0600
From: Kerry Vosswinkel <VOSSWINKEL_K%FLC@VAXF.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: nun's confession <mildly risque - prob. offensive to Catholics>
This joke is at least 15 years old - hope no-one's seen it
recently.
Three nuns were going to confession. The first nun goes into
the confessional and says "Forgive me father, for I have
sinned. I...I...looked at a man's penis." The priest says,
well, sister, God forgives all. Say two Our Fathers and two
Hail Marys and go out to the fountain in the courtyard and
wash your eyes with holy water. So off she goes.
The next nun goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me
father, for I have sinned. I...I...(gasp!) *touched* a man's
penis." The priest says, well, sister, our Lord will forgive
you. Say three Our Fathers and four Hail Marys and go out to
the fountain in the courtyard and wash your hands with holy water.
And outside she goes.
Now the third nun goes in to confess. A few minutes later she
comes out into the courtyard and says "Step aside, sisters, I
have to gargle!"
Kerry 8-)
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Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 21:30:24 EST
From: Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Humor: Dogs & Foxes <poem>
Dogs and Foxes by John Ciardi
A dog with a tin can tied to its tail is
no philosopher but could yet, if only in
longest time to never quite, be learning
there are more attachments to love than ever
puppies reckon when they take their first God
by mistake, wriggling--oh don't they wriggle! --their
tails, rumps, legs, and everything to lick the manhand,
Love, that anytime becomes the hand that ties.
Poor dim parishioners of no church at all!
I don't much care for love that sells itself to
tameness, crawling back to lick the hand that did
it. Yes, dogs and boys make out their two parts
of one damp valentine, but a man needs to see wild
things running, sure of their fear of the manscent,
the scar it makes on the first air of creatures, keeping
themselves themselves, wary and fast. A fox, I think,
is a dog that learned about mankind and lived.
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Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 22:24:51 -0400
From: Joshua J. Guers <guer2587@ACAD.CSV.KUTZTOWN.EDU>
Subject: Top ten Bob Barker Turn Ons<offensive to people who don't like game shows>
Howdy, fellow HUMORers!!!! It's time for another installment of what I like
to call my "Humor". Remember, if ya don't like the subject line, dump it!
It won't hurt my feelings!
TOP TEN BOB BARKER TURN ONS
10. That microphone of his
9. The "Big Wheel"
8. Spaying and Neutering
7. A "double overbid" in the "Showcase" round
6. That little guy in "Cliffhanger"
(ya know, the yodeler)
5. Big brested women who reach into his
$100 pocket
4. The way "Come On Down!" makes Rod Roddy's
throat wiggle
3. Big guns(sorry that's a turn on of MA Barker)
2. A contestant who knows how to play the
"Check Game"
1. Plinko
And speaking of "The Price Is Right", I had nothing to do last weekend,
so I went into the old files of rejected "Price Is RIght" games and here's
one of them I found:
CIRCUMCISION--- a contestant had to guess prices of 3 prizes, each within
$10. If wrong, a knife came closer to the little guy
from "Cliffhanger" 's(ya know the yodeler), well you know.
The contestant had 5 chances to win before the yodeler was
circumsized.
SHOPLIFTERS---- a contestant had to shoplift between $20 and $21 from
the "Grocery Game" without being caught.
If this last two things offend, I'm very sorry. I didn't do it on porpoise.
Yours in a fog,
Josh
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Date: Mon, 2 May 1994 23:34:19 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Humor: Interesting diagnosis <crude>
A guy goes to the doctor with tennis elbow. Instead of examining him, the
doctor asks for a urine specimen and makes his diagnosis from that. The man is
confused so the doctor explains that he has a new machine that can diagnose
any physical condition from a single specimen.
The doctor prescribes medication and tells the man to come back in a week with
another specimen.
The man doesn't believe the doctor's machine is for real so he decides to test
it. To confuse the doctor, he has his wife and teenage daughter provide the
specimen. Then, to confuse things more he masturbates into the bottle. On his
way to the doctor he has the brilliant idea of adding a drop of motor oil from
his car's dipstick.
The doctor analyzed odd looking specimen and called the man into his office.
The doctor delivers the grim news to the patient: "your daughter is pregnant,
your wife has herpes, your car is about to throw a rod and if you don't stop
beating off, that tennis elbow will never heal!"
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