Digest for Tuesday, May 03, 1994
There are 7 messages totalling 254 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Learning to spell with "Darnell" [2/2] (may offend some)
- WARNING: SICK JOKE
- Limerick
- Addr: Top 15 Masochistic Past times
- Excerpts from HOME ECONOMICS course from the 1950s PART ONE
- Humor: The purpose of mens ties
- Offensive to Japanese
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Date: Tue, 3 May 1994 09:34:25 EDT
From: Dan Hotopp <tron!ami1.bwi.wec.com!HOTOPP@UUNET.UU.NET>
Subject: Learning to spell with "Darnell" [2/2] (may offend some)
LEARNING TO SPELL WITH "DARNELL" [Continued]
This is "Learning to Spell with Darnell." I be Darnell Jackson, and
today we're gonna spell the word__________. Spell it with me now,
____________. Now let's use it in a sentence.
Fortify: "I asked this bitch down on 6 Mile--How much? She said
fortify dollars. honey."
Formaldehyde: "The police came to my door looking for my cousin Melvin.
I told them there ain't no place formaldehyde in the house,
it be too small."
Foreclose: "If I don't pay my alimony this month, I'll have more
money foreclose."
Fascinate: "My sister Wolanda bought a sweater with ten buttons on it,
but her tits are so big, she can only fascinate."
Disappointment: "My parole officer told me, if I miss disappointment, he's
going to send me back to the big house."
Dimension: "A lot of you ladies been calling in wondering what Darnell
look like. Well, he's tall, dark, handsome, not dimension
hung like a horse."
Derange: "Derange is where the deer and the antelope play."
Decide: "My favorite girls are Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to keep
a couple on decide.
Data: "At my basketball game the other night, I score a triple
double and my coach said data boy Darnell."
Copulate: "I called 911 and an hour later when they showed up, I said
copulate."
Connoisseur: "I says to my friend Ramone, man you really stink today, what
connoisseur did you crawl out of?"
Coatroom: "The judge said, one more outburst like that and I'll have
the bailiff clear the coatroom."
Clothesline: "When I came home late again, I found my clothesline on the
porch."
Catacomb: "I went to the Douglas/Hollyfield fight and sat next to Don
King: man, someone oughta get that catacomb."
Button: "My girlfriend Juanita bought some leopard skin stretch
pants. I said girl, you won't get you button 'em."
Beware: "I asked the man at the employment office, is this beware
I find be a job?"
Battery: "The coach told my cousin Reggie he better start swinging
the battery won't be in the line up tomorrow."
Bagdad: "I always wondered what was in the Bagdad use to drink out
of when he was sitting on the front porch."
Assert: "On the way home from work, I always take assert so my
old lady don't smell liquor on my breath."
Anus: "The policeman told me and my friend Jerome they be looking
for the two guys that held up the liquor store and we
said---anus."
Afford: "I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but then had to settle for
afford.
_____ _____
( ___ )----------------------------------------------------------( ___ )
| / | Dan Hotopp Hotopp@ami1.bwi.wec.com | \ |
| / | A/M/I Engineering (W) VAX: tron::"hotopp@ami1" | \ |
| / | Westinghouse Electric Corp. Phone:(410)765-2931 | \ |
|___| Baltimore, Maryland Fax:(410)993-2581 |___|
(_____)----------------------------------------------------------(_____)
Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom:
Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times,
definitely will.
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Date: Tue, 3 May 1994 16:20:34 GMT-2
From: Alon D. Ucko <Z9469524@NORTON.CTECH.AC.ZA>
Subject: WARNING: SICK JOKE
Over the next two weeks you will be the privileged recipient of my
very sickest jokes. So if you have a timid mind, uneasy stomach or
weak heart, then configure your mail program to delete my messages as
they come in. For your convenience they will all be marked with the
same warning in the subject line so you can throw them out manually.
How do you make a dead baby float?
Two scoops ice-cream, two scoops dead baby.
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Date: Tue, 3 May 1994 10:49:54 -0400
From: George Olson <GEO1@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: Limerick
There was ayoung man of Milan
Whose poems they never would scan
When asked why it was
He said "It's because
I always try as hard as possible to get as many words into the last
line as I can
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Date: Tue, 3 May 1994 12:57:55 EST
From: Kevin Cain <KEVIN@VM.CC.FAMU.EDU>
Subject: Addr: Top 15 Masochistic Past times
FROM: Kevin R. Cain
TOP 15 MASOCHISTIC PAST TIMES
15. Removing the back cover from a t.v. while it's on.
14. Practicing home dentistry with a nail gun.
13. Hammering nails (fingernails).
12. Eating a roll of tin foil for lunch.
11. Head buting pit bulls.
10. Body piercing with a rivet gun.
9. Flossing with barbed wire.
8. Paying taxes early.
7. Jump starting nipples with a DieHard(tm) battery.
6. Going to Mary Kay Cosmetics meetings.
5. Playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun.
4. Giving yourself a 4 gallon (or appropriate metric conversion)
ice water enema.
3. Setting the Guiness Book record for papercuts - followed
by an alcohol bath.
2. Writng jokes for the HUMOR list.
And the #1 masochistic past-time is.....
1. READING JOKES ON THE HUMOR LIST!
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Date: Tue, 3 May 1994 13:54:19 -0400
From: Doug Austin <austind@GOV.ON.CA>
Subject: Excerpts from HOME ECONOMICS course from the 1950's PART ONE
This is actual text from a Home Economics guide used in Ontario, Canada
during the 1950's. This segment is titled "THE FASCINATING WOMANHOOD WAY
TO WELCOME A MAN WHEN HE COMES HOME FROM WORK"
GET YOUR WORK DONE: Plan your tasks with an eye of the clock. Finish or
interrupt them an hour before he is expected. Your anguished cry, "Are
you home already?" is not exactly a warm welcome.
HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious
meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been
thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry
when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm
welcome needed.
PREPARE YOURSELF: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he
arrives. This will also make you happy to see him instead of too tired to
care. Turn off the worry and be glad to be alive and grateful for the man
who is going to walk in. While you are resting you can be thinking about
your F.W. assignment and all you can do to make him happy and give his
spirits a lift. When you arise, take care of your appearance. Touch up
your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just
been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more
interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER: Make one last trip through the main part of the
house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys,
paper, etc. in a bucket or wastebasket and put them in the back bedroom
for sorting later. The run a dustcloth over the tables. Your husband
will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a
lift too. Having the house in order is another way of letting him know
that you care and have planned for this homecoming.
PREPARE THE CHILDREN: Take just a few minutes to wash the children's hands
and faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary change
their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them
the part.
MINIMIZE ALL NOISE: Especially give heed to this if your husband has to
join rush hour traffic. At the time of his arrival eliminate noise of
washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be
quiet at the time of their father's arrival. Let them be a little noisy
beforehand to get it out of their system.
MORE TO COME TOMORROW.........CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS STUFF?
DOUG AUSTIN IN TORONTO.
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Date: Tue, 3 May 1994 16:32:45 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Humor: The purpose of men's ties <males be warned>
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your
neck?"
The reason for wearing ties is simple; ever since the demise of the
cod-piece, the male of the species has worn a strip of cloth round his
neck for the sole purpose of pointing out his dick to the female of
the species. As for bow-ties . . .
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Date: Tue, 3 May 1994 22:14:58 -0400
From: Tim Rybak <trybak@ENG.CLEMSON.EDU>
Subject: Offensive to Japanese
Sorry if this offends anyone...
An optometric surgeon was on a plane flight and was seated next to a
Japanese man with the thickest glasses the surgeon had ever seen. Aware
of the problems that can occur with extreme nearsightedness, the surgeon
asked, "Have you ever had cateracts?" the Japanese man grinned and
replied, "No, never have cataracts. Once have Rincorn Continenor
though."
***Grins and ducts for cover***
--
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