Digest for Thursday, June 02, 1994
There are 17 messages totalling 778 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Internet report from the Times + 2 mildly sexual jokes
- How to lose your job.
- Signs of a Rotten Day - Part 2
- UK sex (offensive to former PM)
- Early Am almanac humor: Jonathan Swift on lawyers
- Math humor: engineer, physicist, and mathematician solve problem
- There is no medicine for it...
- Offensive to Baptists
- Old Timers (clean)
- My stigmatas acting up
- Collection from AIX fortune
- HUMOR:Letters to Wife/Husband
- Behavior In Public Places [suggestive]
- Snail Riddle
- offensive masturbation joke
-
- David Lettermans Top Ten List 06/02/94
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 10:41:00 GMT+0800
From: Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T) <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Internet report from the Times + 2 mildly sexual jokes
Firstly an extract from the Times Higher concerning Internet
followed by 2 jokes from Bridget Swearse. Both of these have
sexual connotations.
HOT FASHION ITEM
Is this Internet fashion getting slightly out of hand? Possibly,
if practices at the University of Cambridge computer laboratory
are anything to go by. There the computer network includes a
video camera pointing at the coffee machine. It puts a picture of
the coffee pot, updated each second, on the system to allow
anyone using it to see whether the brain-stimulating liquid is
available, without the effort of going to have a look. Now the
Internet address for the image
(http://www.cl.cam.ac.uk/coffee.coffee.html) has been published
in Wired, the Californian Internet style magazine, which means
the pot is becoming a fashion item with watchers from Hawaii to
Helsinki. One problem: sometimes the image cannot be seen because
the lights in the room are off.
RATS
3 rats are bragging about how macho they are. The first says,
"I'm really macho. When I want to impress a female rat I run
through through the sitting room when people are there." The
second responds with, "That's nothing. I take the female over to
the trap, force open the trap wire with one hand, and hold it
open whilst I take the cheese and offer it to the female. Now
that's what I call macho." The first two turn to see the third
rat slinking out of the rathole. "Ha! We're too macho for you,
are we?" "No", replies the third' "It's just that I'm off to rape
the cat."
SOPHISTICATION
3 upper class Englishmen were trying to define sophistication.
The first says, "Sophistication is when you go home, find someone
in bed making love to your wife, and you quietly leave the room."
The second responds with, "No. Sophistication is when you go
home, find someone in bed making love to your wife and as you
quietly leave the room you say, "Excuse me for interrupting.""
The third follows, "Terribly sorry chaps, but your both wrong.
Sophistication is when you go home, find someone in bed making
love to your wife and as you quietly leave the room you say,
"Excuse me for interrupting and you may.""
Mike R[D
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 11:15:54 GMT-2
From: Alon D. Ucko <Z9469524@NORTON.CTECH.AC.ZA>
Subject: How to lose your job.
Hello again.
Seems my last joke about Ayrton Senna and Pele slipped by a few of
you, so in case you're still wondering, Pele (the world famous soccer
player) can take a corner (a type of indirect penalty) whereas Senna,
a world famous Formula One (similar to Indy Car) driver can't because
he slammed his car into a wall at nearly 200 mph after missing a turn
at the Imola Grand Prix last month, and died. The last thing to go
through his mind when he hit the wall was his steering wheel:-)
I thought of you all when I saw this next little bit on Usenet and
I'm sure you'll have a good laugh. Recently, somewhere in the US a
teacher gave his class a not-too-kosher maths test which landed him in
the proverbial soup. The original was edited and given to the class
in all seriousness (I think). But there was some logical reasoning
behind it!
Many people claim the reason innner city students do poorly
on standardized tests is because the tests are culturally biased
as part of an evil white surburbanite plan. This is of course a
much more likely explanation than the idea that drugs, running
gun battles and teen pregnancy are disruptive to education.
So, here's a culturally normalized standard test.
______________________________________________________________________
City of East Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Final Exam
Name:____________
Alias:____________
Gang:____________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of
10 shots, and he shoots 13 times at every drive by shooting, how may
drive by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Ricky for
$320 and 2 grams to D.J. for $85 per gram. What is the street value
of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If his price is $65 per fuck, how
many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per
day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound pound of heroin and make a 20%
profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for stealing a Chevy, and
$200 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys
will he have to steal to make $1000?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the
hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much
money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will
he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average
letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can Tagger spray if he
steals 3 cans of paint and finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty?
8. Hector has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. If there are 27 girls
in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector
knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night.
She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $235 per month
rent goes up 15%, how many children should she have to keep up with
expenses?
10. Salvator was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at
$25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how
much money will he lose for jumping bail?
_________________
So, how did you do?
[one thing I still can't figure out though is how a South African
from
the far corner of Earth with no telephone or television knows about
Indy Car (which is only popular in the US) and can use miles per hour
(we use kph here) whereas some SuperCitizens don't know about Formula
One (Nigel Mansell won back to back F1 and Indy Car championships -
the Indy Car was won in his rookie year!!) and may not know what kph
stands for. Yes ladies and gentlemen Canada is north, and Mexico is
south, but east and west there *are* other people, cultures,
countries and other interesting thing that weren't made in America.]
If you like my jokes then send $5.00 to Alar Pardla
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 07:20:35 CDT
From: Jim Harris <JHLAR@UKANVM.BITNET>
Subject: Signs of a Rotten Day - Part 2 <clean>
You Can Tell It's Going to be a Rotten Day When......
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and YOU have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in one eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill," and your name is George.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 08:00:11 CDT
From: Ed Johnson <EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET>
Subject: UK sex (offensive to former PM)
The headline in the _Birmingham News_ (p6A, June 1, 1994) states the following:
"British sex scandal centers on defense chief under Thatcher," but the
article fails to elaborate on the exact activities of defense chief Alan
Clark while underneath the former Prime Minister.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 11:21:34 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Early Am almanac humor: Jonathan Swift on lawyers
Early in life, Dean Swift having preached an assize sermon in Ireland, was after
judges; in the course of the sermon, he was very severe upon the counsel for ple
own consciences. After dinner, a young barrister, not knowing whom he had to dea
even with the parson; and having said a great many sweet things against the cler
of, at length said, that if the devil was to die, he did not doubt but that a pa
preach his funeral sermon. "Yes, Sir!" said Swift, "I would willingly be the man
due, as I have his children this day." (The Farmer's Almanack for 1799)
Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American
Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 11:43:34 EST
From: Sim Webster <WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Math humor: engineer, physicist, and mathematician solve problem
An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a
problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The
engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and
puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures
a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the
fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The
mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he
goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg.
Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The
engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates
carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician
lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the
previous problem."
---
A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge.
Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a
bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and
puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same
lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the
mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the
physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.
---
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three
adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel.
First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity.
He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window,
and goes back to sleep.
Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees
that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to
himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the
temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning
material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying
water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall,
turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.
The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the
window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the
bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately
sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and
goes back to sleep.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 16:14:00 GMT
From: Sharath K S + 1 908 615 6082 <shar@MT747.ATT.COM>
Subject: There is no medicine for it...
This is original and it happened to me.
When I was a kid I used to go to my grandmother's place which is more
like a farmhouse surrounded by forests. Snakes were in plenty and most
of the time rat-snakes used to come into the house while chasing frogs.
And I used to chase & try to catch those rat-snakes (I never caught any
since rat-snakes were too fast for me) until one day my grand-ma caught
me in action.
Grand-ma: "Don't you ever try to catch a rat-snake Young-man!"
ME: "Why not? They don't bite..."
Grand-ma: "Well, it's true they seldom bite but if they do there is no
medicine available for it"
ME: "Oh...."
Few years later I read a book on snakes and went back to Grand-ma in
protest.
ME: "Grand-ma, remember you told me rat-snake bite has no medicine?"
Grand-ma: "Yeah, So?"
ME: "But rat-snakes are non-poisonous and harmless."
Grand-ma: "Sure, that's exactly why there is no medicine available for it"
ME: "....."
Sharath
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 12:55:30 -0400
From: Tom Rowe <trowe@UWSPMAIL.UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Offensive to Baptists
A man traveling out West drives out to a lookout over a canyon and finds
another man standing on the top rail, apparently about to jump. He shouts
"Wait, Wait! Don't do it."
Without turning around, the other man replies "I can't take it
anymore - I'm just going to end it."
"It can't be that bad. Why don't you tell me about it?"
He turns around. His face is a horrible caricature of a horse's
face. "I can't live with the jokes, the ridicule, the little kids running
away from me. I can't find a woman - its just too much."
"Wow. I have to admit its pretty bad. But I believe that there is a
reason behind everything; that God tests us every day in some way and there
is a reward in Heaven for those that suffer. Tell me, do you believe in God?"
"Yes, I do."
"Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too. What denomination?"
"Baptist."
"Me too! Northern, Southern, or American Congress?"
"Northern."
"Me too! This is really something. Tell me, Pentacostal, Reformed,
or Fundamentalist?"
"Fundamentalist."
"Me too! Great Lakes or Plains congregation?"
"Great Lakes."
"Me too!! 1869 or 1912 Convention?"
"1912."
Points finger and shouts "Die, you sinner!"
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 11:58:36 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Old Timers (clean)
Two oldtimers met at a 50 year reunion of their college class. "I know
you," one said to the other, who responded, "Your face is familiar,
but I can't recall your name. What is it?" Following a long, long
pause, the other asked, "How soon do you need to know?"
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 09:58:00 PDT
From: Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <jeffrh@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject: My stigmata's acting up
<<forwards are still at home>>
These were found in the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the
Washington Post. It was a contest in which readers were asked to come up
with excuses to miss a day of work.
- If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.
- When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able
to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly
e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the
snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
- My stigmata's acting up.
- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet. . . .
- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Giant.
- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help
you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
- Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
- I prefer to remain an enigma.
- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal
peace. One day should do it.
- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my
house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
- My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our
sick son.
- I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter
tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
- I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You want I should come
in?
- I can't come in because the deadline is Monday and so far I only have
seven different fun things to do with a barrel of snot.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 09:22:00 -0400
From: Paul Adare <paul@MAILGATE.ICSCA.COM>
Subject: Collection from AIX fortune <Clean>
Hi all,
These jokes, comments, etc are from the fortune game on our AIX box. I hope
you enjoy them.
Galit,
If you are still out there, write to me (paulk@icsca.com). I replied to
your mail, but don't know if you got it.
--------------------------------------Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
She found a good way
To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.
Dear Miss Manners:
Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
your face.
Gentle Reader:
Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
your face ...
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
They usually have virgins,
And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
Elevators smell different to midgets
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?
Rules for driving in New York:
1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
on.
3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
intersection.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin
cosmos of nothingness.
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the girrafe and the other to fill the bathtub with
brightly colored machine tools.
Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
legs for a horse.
(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
1. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
check.
2. A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
3. There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
attracted to dark objects.
Paul Adare
paulk@icsca.com
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 15:14:00 -0500
From: Matthew Grob <Matthew.Grob@MCHIS.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR:Letters to Wife/Husband <sexual><crude><language>
The following was sent from my aunt to my mother who continues to be the
source of some of the best dirty jokes I've ever heard. It was
forwarded to me via sneaker-net and now to the list:
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
================
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I
have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of about once every ten
days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
- 34 times the sheets were clean
- 17 times it was too late
- 49 times you were too tired
- 20 times it was too hot
- 15 times you pretended to be asleep
- 22 times you had a headache
- 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
- 15 times you said you were too sore
- 12 times you said it was the wrong time of the month
- 10 times you had to get up early
- 9 times you said you weren't in the mood
- 7 times you were watching the late show
- 6 times you were sunburned
- 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
- 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
- 9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because
6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a
crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you to tell you I was finished, and once I was
afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
===================
I think you may have things a little confused. Here are the real
reasons you didn't get more than you did:
- 5 times you came home drunk and tried to f**k the cat
- 35 times you did not come home at all
- 21 times you did not come
- 33 times you came too soon
- 19 times you went soft before you got it in
- 10 times your toes were in cramps
- 30 times you worked late
- 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
- 2 times you were in a fight and got kicked in the balls
- 4 times you got it caught in your zipper
- 3 times your coffee was too hot & you had burned your tongue
- 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
- 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
- 5 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
- 95 times you were too busy watching hockey on TV
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were f**king the sheet. I wasn't talking about the crack
in the ceiling. What I said was "would you prefer me on my back or
kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was
trying to breathe.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 16:00:49 -0400
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> Behavior In Public Places [suggestive]
Smokin' Mommas
By Jim Mica
Consider the confusing rules of public behavior we have
these days. Time was when smoking was something that was
accepted in public and breast feeding was thought to be a rather
non-public kind of behavior. This just doesn't seem to be the
case anymore.
Foreigners, and probably some natives, who try to keep
abreast of cultural developments in the U.S.A. will probably know
that a couple of the states have banned public smoking --at least
if the malefactor is indoors-- and an outdoor ban should be here
soon. But, while butts, pipes and cigars have been driven into
the shadows, breasts are popping out in public all over the
place!
In New York State this trend toward mammarian disclosure
began a couple of years back. The top court in the State ruled
that the public display of the female mastecological
superstructure could not be prohibited unless such display was
lewd or done for profit.
And now the State Legislature, which should be using its
time trying to finish up a months-overdue budget, has passed a
law making it a punishable offense to stop a woman from breast
feeding in public. The law provides for fines and everything!
Not only do men in New York feel discriminated against,
they also must live in a much more dangerous State. As you can
well imagine, the number accidents involving distracted males
walking into walls and doors is growing at an alarming rate!
What else could be expected in a culture where males are taught,
from their first furtive glances through National Geographic,
that breast sightings are rare and sacred events? And, once a
guy has had such an accident, he can't even calm himself down
with a nice smoke.
I have looked into this situation thoroughly. When I
haven't been walking into doors I have been working on an
invention which should should help things. I call my invention
the Smokin' Momma(SM) doll.
Since breast feeding can't be prohibited anywhere, and
there is no age limit that I've heard about, a guy could take his
Smokin' Momma(SM) doll anywhere. All he would have to do then is
to inflate her, hop on her lap and pull aside the stylish
designer blouse which will be provided. The plastic mammary
glands thus revealed would be designed to hold tobacco products
of various types --everything from fine Light Latakias to Spicy
Havana's. And the genius of this is that the rest of the doll
could be taken up with air filtration equipment. We'll probably
have to start with some sort of battery powered equipment, but
solar shouldn't be too far off!
Think of it! Instead of being a pariah, a smoker could
sit right there in public --even next to nursing mothers--
harming no one with his wretched despicable habit and actually
engaging in positively sanctioned public behavior.
But, don't just think about this fabulous idea! Get in
on the ground floor. R&D and startup capital are both greatly
needed.
6/94
-30-
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 16:01:50 CST
From: Rowdy Welch <RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU>
Subject: Snail Riddle <non-offensive>
Q: What did the snail say as he was riding on the turtle's back?
A: Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!
(Can you tell I live with a small child?)
Rowdy
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 20:27:14 -0400
From: Thomas E. Arcuri <TARCURI@CCMAIL.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject: offensive masturbation joke
One Night, two old ladies, Martha and Edna, are
at the movies when Martha turns and says,
"My god, Edna, the man next to me is jerking off!"
Edna turned and said, "Well let's move!"
To which Martha replied, "I can't,
He's using my hand!"
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 21:56:52 EDT
From: Emile Artus <GRARTUS@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: <No Subject Given>
More men jokes:
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One -- men will screw anything.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Q: How can you tell a man is sexually excited?
A: He's breathing.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What do men and beer bottles have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares.
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
Q: What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A: A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
Emile W Artus, MBA student
East Carolina University
Greenville, NC 27858 (919) 527-8011 ext. 2240
Mailing address: Rt.2, Box 452, Grifton, NC 28530 U.S.A.
Bitnet: GRARTUS@ECUVM1 Internet: GRARTUS@ECUVM.CIS.ECU.EDU
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 2 Jun 1994 21:24:13 -0700
From: Bob Lennard <blennard@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: David Letterman's Top Ten List 06/02/94
-----> Thursday, June 2, 1994 <-----
[Original Air Date: January 17, 1994]
========
Opening:
========
From New York, gateway to Yonkers, it's the Late show with David
Letterman. Tonight - Richard Harris, singers Taj Mahal and Etta James,
and from Saturday Night Live, David Spade. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS
Orchestra. And now, the half-brother of Socks, the White House cat,
David Letterman.
================================================================
Top Ten Signs You've Hired The Wrong Kid To Shovel Your Driveway
================================================================
10. Doesn't seem to know which end of the shovel to use
9. He's over 80 and has a Medic Alert bracelet
8. Won't stop bragging about his custom-made six-fingered gloves
7. Says his shovel broke, asks you for a vacuum cleaner and an
extension cord
6. Midway through the job he puts on a bear suit and starts hailing
cabs (Dave did a bit earlier in the show where a guy in a bear suit
successfully hailed a cab)
5. Whenever you aren't looking, he takes a whack at your knees
4. Has 84 gift certificates from Toys `R' Us
3. He's too busy disturbing Dad's inauguration speech to finish (Dave then
showed a clip of the Governor of New York's son waving and smiling while
the Governor gave his inauguration speech)
2. You get a half-hearted recommendation from his wife, Marilyn Quayle
1. Doesn't finish till mid-July
--
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| This Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten list copyright 1994 World Wide |
| Pants. Lists are contributed by Bob Lennard and Rick Nebel. |
| |
| To subscribe or unsubscribe to the list send your request to |
| listserv@tamvm1.tamu.edu. In the BODY of your message put: |
| subscribe top-ten first last |
| Replace first and last with your name. To unsubscribe, put: |
| signoff top-ten |
| |
| If you have any questions or comments send them to top-ten@tamvm1.tamu.edu |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index