Digest for Friday, June 03, 1994
There are 17 messages totalling 665 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Gynaecological examination but not crude
- offensive to some?
- HUMOR: Retirement
- Knowing the Difference
- Calculus Joke (suggestive, perhaps)
- another recipe (maybe offensive to berkley grads?)
- Real-Life Humor (non-offensive)
- Funny things speakers say
- ,
- How To Be A Feisty Rock Critic
- Life 4.N A collection of clean humor gathered on: 9 Jun 89
- French joke
- Tell My Boyfriend
- "Write-Only" Memory
- An easy riddle ( Oh, no| more Marco A. Almazan Humor.)
- HUMOR GUIDE
- David Lettermans Top Ten List for 06/03/94
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 08:53:00 GMT+0800
From: Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T) <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Gynaecological examination but not crude
One from Bob Butcher, who claims to have been told this by his
aerobics teacher.
A woman goes to her gynacologist and says
"Doctor, I want you to check out my avaries"
"Don't you mean your ovaries?"
"No, listen, I know what they are called"
The Doctor proceeds with the gynacological examination. When he
has finished he says to the woman:
"You were right, it *was* avaries, at least there's been a
cockatoo in there"
Mike R
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 00:27:00 PDT
From: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@UCLAMVS.BITNET>
Subject: offensive to some?
An attractive woman gets into the elevator at Trump Tower. She
suddenly realizes she's in the presence of the great man himself.
"Oh, Mr. Trump! Oh! I've been so infatuated with you for so
long! Let me get down on my knees, unzip you, and show you how
much I love you right now."
"I can understand how you feel," Donald replies. "But what's
in it for me?"
Jack Kolb
IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 08:46:00 -0500
From: Matthew Grob <Matthew.Grob@MCHIS.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Retirement
Another tidbit from my mom:
RETIREMENT
==========
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when of its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I have a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarassing
The way it would behave,
For every single morning
It would stand & watch me shave.
As old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its withered head
And watch me tie my shoes.
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 08:32:02 CDT
From: Jim Harris <JHLAR@UKANVM.BITNET>
Subject: Knowing the Difference <May be offensive to Sr. Citizens>
An elderly couple were rocking in their rockers on the front porch the eve
of their 60th wedding anniversary. The old lady asks her husband, "Dear, do
you have any regrets about our sex over the last 60 years?" The husband
answers, " To tell you the truth, hon, it hasn't been the greatest."
Well, the old lady gets out of her chair, hobbles toward her husband, then
clobbers him up side the head. "What was that for?" asked the bruised senior
citizen. The wife replies, "After all these years, NOW you tell me that I'm
not good in the sack! Well, I can tell you that your sexual abilities have
NEVER been that good either!" At this, the old man gets out of his chair,
ambles toward his wife then whacks her across the legs with his cane and says,
"That's for knowing the difference between good sex and mine!"
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 08:55:00 -0500
From: Tom Dixon <RTDIXON@LIFE.UAMS.EDU>
Subject: Calculus Joke (suggestive, perhaps)
The integral of e to the x is equal to the function of u to the n.
For those who don't speak math, the above is generally represented as
/ x n
| e = f(u)
/
I have just discovered that the head honcho of the daycare my daughter goes
to has a degree in math. Please send me all your math jokes so that I can
tickle her funny bone. Thanx. Tom
PS: The master list of light bulb jokes will be ready for posting sometime
next week. You still have time to send my your favorites if you haven't
already done so.
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 07:54:16 PDT
From: Jay Sandhu <jsandhu@ESRI.COM>
Subject: another recipe (maybe offensive to berkley grads?)
From a distant past (i.e. orignally posted back in '86 on some list...)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
In response to the recent spate of recipes, I offer the following
as an example of true haut' cuisine:
How to Cook a Berkeley Student
Ingredients:
One large or two small Berkeley Students.
Ketchup.
2 large cloves garlic.
Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening.(Lard may be substituted).
1 keg cheap beer.
1 lb. alfalfa sprouts.
2 lbs. assorted health foods, such as tofu or yogurt.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
First, catch a Berkeley Student. Remove the tail and horns.
Carefully seperate the large ego and reserve for sauce. Remove any
pencils, calculators, slide rules, or illegal drugs and discard.
Clean the Student as you would squid, but do not seperate the tentacles from
the body. If you have an older Student, such as a Graduate Student in Math ,
you may wish to tenderize by pounding the Student on a rock with a surfboard
or other flat heavy object.
Next, pour 1/2 of the keg of beer into a bath-tub and soak the
Student in the beer for at least 12 hours. (If your Student belonged
to a fraternity you may skip this step.) When the Student is sufficiently
soaked, remove any clothes the Student may be wearing and rub it all over
with the garlic. Then cover the Student with Crisco, using a slow circular
motion, and taking care to cover every inch of the Student's body with
the shortening. If it looks like fun, you may also cover your own body
with Crisco. Be sure to remove your clothes first, if you do.
Now post a request for Rogue source to net.general. Be sure
to ask what "S.O." and "M.O.T.A.S." mean. Post at least 3 copies
of this to ensure adequate flames for cooking your Student. When the
flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your Student on top
of your terminal until it's well tanned and the hair turns bleached blond.
Be careful not to overcook, or the Berkeley Student may become radical.
Make a sauce by combining the previously reserved ego, the alfafa sprouts,
and ketchup to taste using cat(1) (see note). Redirect the output to your
blender and puree' until smooth. Slice the Berkeley Student as you would any
turkey, and serve accompanied by the assorted health foods and the remaining
beer.
Yum!,Yum!,
the wharf rat
note: use this command to make the sauce:
cat ego sprouts ketchup >blender |puree
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 11:13:58 -0400
From: Jascha Franklin-Hodge <joeshmoe@WORLD.STD.COM>
Subject: Real-Life Humor (non-offensive)
TAIPEI, Taiwan (AP) -- Women lawmakers slapped and pulled each other's hair
Friday during another brawl in Taiwan's National Assembly.
The latest violence was sparked by two members of the ruling Nationalist
Party who poked fun at opposition lawmaker Su Chih-yang after her underwear
showed when she sat at the podium.
Nationalist assemblywoman Kuo Su-chun berated Ms. Su, saying, "As a woman you
should also review your own behavior." Ms. Su then walked to the podium and
slapped Ms. Kuo.
Four other women joined the fracas, and a fifth collapsed and was
hospitalized with high blood pressure after she tried to stop it.
Several fights have erupted this week in the 402-member assembly during
debate on a constitutional change proposed by the Nationalist Party to elect
the president by universal suffrage in 1996. The assembly now elects the
president.
Opposition lawmakers support the constitutional change, but want other
reforms to simplify institutions and curb corruption.
Brawls have characterized Taiwan's legislature since 1987, when the island
began to go democratic. Signs are growing that the public, which at first
followed the fighting avidly, are getting fed up.
"When will our nightmare end?" the China Times said in a headline after an
earlier round of fisticuffs televised nationally.
Several women's groups demanded today that political parties penalize
members who use violence or sexual innuendo. Legislative officials have begun
billing members who damage microphones and furniture during brawls.
Dozens of deputies fought Tuesday and Wednesday over the size of the quorum
needed for the daily meetings. The dispute was settled when both parties agreed
to arbitration.
And I always thought the US Congress was bad....
-joeshmoe@world.std.com
Jascha Franklin-Hodge
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 11:14:47 EST
From: Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Funny things speakers say
If everything goes as planned this evening, we shouldn't
run more than hour late.
Our next guest is the greatest guy in the world. And that's
not my opinion--it's his.
These handouts may not make much sense at first, but you'll
discover that they're very handy to doodle on when I get
real boring.
This lighting really plays tricks on your eyes. I'm
actually a lot more handsome and skinnier than I look.
That's a very good question. See me during the break, and
I'll avoid answering it then, too.
Don't be embarrassed to ask even the simplest, most basic
question--Those are the only one I'll be able to answer.
Our guest of honor finally got an office with a window,
but now he spends all day asking, "Would you like fries
with that order?"
I think the small turnout can be blamed on your excellent
newsletter--obviously, too many people knew I'd be here.
I don't want to suggest that today's food was bad, but
three terrorist groups have called in to claim responsibility.
Gee, is my time up already? It seems like only last Thursday
I started this speech.
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 11:35:00 -0500
From: Sarbjit Sahansra <Sarbjit.Sahansra@MCCON.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject: <offensive>, <sex implies>
What's the similarity between an Old Western Saloon and a Prostitute??
Liquor in the front and Poker in the back!!!!!
For those of you who did not get it.....
Liquor (Lick Her) in the front and Poker (Poke Her) in the back!!!!
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 09:21:42 PDT
From: Cindy Parker <cparker@QUESTS.COM>
Subject: How To Be A Feisty Rock Critic <off. to rock critics - DUH!>
Hello everybody! Seeing as how my mailbox was overflowing with
fabulous letters this morning (NOT - a grand total of a whopping ONE)
from friends and fellow HUMOR contributors, I felt that maybe it was
time again to make a post to the list. This, as with most of my
posts, was again taken from MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL". Hope
you enjoy...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW TO TELL IF YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES
|_| Did you play "air guitar" as a child?
|_| Did you play "air guitar" as a teen?
|_| Do you deny you play "air guitar" as an adult?
WHEN YOU HEAR SOME ROCK 'N' ROLL, DO YOU FEEL THE URGE TO:
|_| Tap your foot?
|_| Shut your eyes tightly, bite your lower lip, and nod your head
rhythmically?
|_| Stand there with your arms folded, then go home and write an
in-depth analysis of the experience?
WOULD YOU CHARACTERIZE YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE AS:
|_| Pre-adolescent?
|_| Adolescent?
|_| Semi-post-adolescent?
Congratulations! If you checked any box above, you are qualified to
be a feisty rock critic. And if you checked no boxes, don't feel bad.
You are qualified to be a very feisty rock critic.
THE REWARDS OF FEISTY ROCK WRITING
ASSIGNMENT | WHERE PUBLISHED | PAY | ARTISTIC FULFILLMENT
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Feisty profile of |National music | Low | A little
millionaire rock star|gossip magazines | |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Feisty profile of |Struggling urban | Very | A smidgen
unknown rock band |newsweeklies | Low |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Feisty review of show| Anywhere | Laugh-| A tad
or LP | | able |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Feisty think piece | Unpublishable | --- | A wee bit
analyzing greed and | | |
corruption in the | | |
music industry | | |
----------------------------------------------------------------------
BASIC EXERCISES FOR THE BEGINNING FEISTY ROCK CRITIC
You will need: typewriter, paper, record album
1) Play the record 25 times. 2) Stare into space. 3) Spend six hours
writing and revising your review until it is perfect. 4) Turn in your
finely-honed masterpiece. 5) Watch your editor cut it in half before
your very eyes. 6) Go home and wait for your paycheck. 7) Keep
waiting.
THE QUICK AND EASY WAY TO WRITE A RECORD REVIEW (for advanced feisty
rock critics only):
1) Have a beer. 2) Glance at LP cover. 3) Play a song or two
(optional). 4) Write review. 5) Have another beer.
MISCELLANEOUS FEISTY WORDS AND PHRASES TO USE:
smoldering passion tasty distinctively soulful demonic
compellingly inspired drumwork staggering market sense
teen anthem street smart enigmatic tour de force
brutally honest roots-conscious ballsy eponymous
silken-voiced commitment Springsteenian dancable
righteous shameless
WHERE DOES THE FEISTY ROCK CRITIC GO WHEN HE OR SHE NO LONGERS FEELS
SO FEISTY?
Welcome to the world of (choose one):
|_| Public Access cable TV
|_| Record company publicity
|_| Advertising copywriting
|_| Phone sales
SURPRISING ANSWERS TO FEISTY ROCK CRITICS' MOST OFTEN-ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: If I truly want to be a feisty rock critic, don't I have to know
the history of jazz, pop, country, the blues, and R&B?
A: Nope.
--------
Q: Has there ever been a feisty rock book written that was neither a
frivolous puffball nor a collection of whining pompous solemnities?
A: Nope.
--------
Q: Will I someday be able to publish all my best rock writing in a
really feisty best-selling book?
A: Nope.
======================================================================
Cindy Parker - Newport Beach, CA
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 09:44:05 PDT
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 4.N A collection of clean humor gathered on: 9 Jun 89
----------------------------------------------------
"When you reach an equilibrium in biology you're dead." -Arnold Mandell
Organized Crime: Some call it government
Your arguments are sound--all sound.
Seen on a bumpersticker during layoff days (1985-86) in Silicon Valley:
Who is afraid of layoffs
Slaves can only be sold.
The NY Times is read by the people who run the country.
The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
and running the country...
You know you're growing old when dialing long distance wears you out.
"Twenty years ago, NBC told Roddenberry to get rid of Spock, because he
looked too `Satanic.' Nowadays, tv shows stuff like _Freddy's
Nightmares_. Give me Spock's pointy ears any day."
A professor wanted to mail a letter to his friend. He had 35c, 10c, $1 and many
more stamps. He needed 25c stamp to mail the letter. He scratched his head and
finally got the solution. He pasted 35c and 10c, in between he wrote a minus
sign.
Fortune Magazine reported recently that some employees of Merrill Lynch's
New York office were so incensed at its mailroom service a few years ago
that they sent interoffice mail via Federal Express. "Memos were whisked
from floor to floor via Memphis."
a recent TASS headline: SPACE IS NO ESCAPE FROM DIMWIT BEAUROCRATS
A soviet officer faces charges that he failed to respond to four
notifications for army reserve service. Since November, however, he
has been orbiting earth in a space station. I guess the mail service
just isn't all it's cracked up to be...
Which serves to remind me of seeing Yakoff on The Tonight Show, I
believe. During his monologue, he was talking about the USA and how
great it was, compared to Russia. The only thing I can remember is;
"In America you have warining shots!
What a great country!"
----------------------------------------------------
The Seven Wonders of Soviet Socialism (Gorby's got his work cut out for him):
(1) Everybody is employed.
(2) Although everybody is employed, nobody does anything.
(3) Although nobody does anything, the Plan is still fulfilled to 100%.
(4) Although the Plan is always fulfilled to 100%, nothing is ever available
in the stores.
(5) Although nothing is ever available for purchase, everyone eventually finds
everything he/she needs.
(6) Although everyone eventually finds what he/she needs, everybody ends up
stealing.
(7) Although everybody ends up being a thief, nothing is ever found missing.
Old Soviet Joke: ``They just pretend to pay us, so we just pretend to work''
----------------------------------------------------
As a Veterinarian, I am constantly made aware of hor pets are an integral part
of many people's lives. I had just finished explaining to a bassett hound's ow
ner that her elderly dog had diabetes and began listing its probable causes. S
he interrupted me when I mentioned the heredity factor. "No one on my
side has ever had that condition," she quickly said, " and I don't
think my husband's family has either.
The boy finished the university and received his diploma on agriculture.
After returning home, the newly-graduated went to his father's farm.
While walking with his father, he said :
- Dad, you are working with very old methods. For example, you can not
even get 10 kgs of apple from that tree. Can you ?
- You' re right. I can't get 10 kgs of apple from that tree. Because
it is an orange tree .
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 15:12:59 -0400
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: French joke <mildly sexual>
This arrived today from GAG@u-strasbg.fr Translation below
> Une courtisane un peu sur le retour va aux sports d'hiver. Le premier
> jour, elle se rend au syndicat d'initiative de la station de sports
> d'hiver et apercoit un panneau sur lequel il y a ecrit :
>
> Crans : 15 centimetres, molle.
> Tignes : 25 centimetres, souple.
> Courchevel : 30 centimetres, dure.
>
> Elle s'approche d'un guichetier et demande alors en rougissant :
> - "Savez-vous ou je pourrais rencontrer ce monsieur Courchevel ?"
> E-mail: frickert@sobek.u-strasbg.fr
A "lovely lady" a bit on the down side (in age) goes to the winter sports
areas. The first day, she goes to the local Visitors Bureau and notices
a sign on which is written:
Crans 15 cm [6 in.] soft
Tignes 25 cm [10 in.] supple
Courchevel 30 cm [12 in.] hard
The goes up to the clerk and blushing, asks: "Do you know where I might
find this Mr. Courchevel?"
[Crans, Tignes, and Courchevel are ski resort areas in the Alps.]
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 16:44:45 EDT
From: Jeff Gabalis <YA95286@MUSIC.FERRIS.EDU>
Subject: Tell My Boyfriend <crude, sexual>
A girl was in a bar, looking good and attracting all kinds of male
attention when a guy comes up to her and says, "Honey, you sure have got
a nice, tight ass. If you were my girlfriend, I would rub your ass all
night long," as he reaches down and pinches her right on the ass.
Offended, she says, "Hey, you better cut that out, or I'll go and tell
my boyfriend about you." Ingnoring the threat, the guy says "You also
got a nice set of titties. If you were my girlfriend, I would suck them
all night long." With that, he reaches over and pinches her right on the
tit. Upset, she says "Stop that, or I will go and tell my boyfriend!"
Crudely the man responds "Oh yeah! Well, if you were MY girlfriend, I
would flip you upside down, fill your pussy full of beer, and then drink
it all out!" With a mad look, she says "Well THAT does it! I am going
to tell my boyfriend about you right NOW!" and she runs across the bar
to her boyfriend.
She goes up to boyfriend and explains, "You go over right now and take
care of that guy. He said some terrible things to me!" The boyfriend
asks her what he said, and she says "Well, first he said I had a real
nice ass, and he reached down and pinched me right on the behind."
The boyfriend gets an angry look, and starts to roll up his sleve.
"What else did he say," asks the boyfriend. "Well, then he said that I
had a real nice set of titties, and he reached over and pinched me right
on the tit!" the girlfriend explains. Getting even more angry, the
boyfriend rolls up his sleve a little bit more. He asks, "What else did
he say?" The girlfriend explains "Then he said that if I was HIS
girlfriend, that he would turn me upside down, fill my pussy up with
beer, and then drink it all out!" The boyfriend then starts to unroll
his sleves, and the girlfriends says "Hey, aren't you going to going to
go over and take care of that guy??" The boyfriend explains, "I'm not
going to go and mess with any guy who can drink THAT much beer!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
> JEFF GABALIS FERRIS STATE UNIVERSITY <
> TECHNOLOGY TRANSFER CENTER BIG RAPIDS, MICHIGAN <
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 14:46:20 -0600
From: Rob Slade, Ed. DECrypt & ComNet, VARUG rep, 604-984-4067 <ROBERTS@DECUS.CA>
Subject: "Write-Only" Memory
My brother sent me this, and I thought you'd like it:
From: Greg Slade <gslade@cyberstore.ca>
Since ROMs (and CD-ROMs) are "Read-Only Memory" because the computer
can read from them, but not right to them, doesn't it make sense to
refer to a printer as "Write-Only Memory", since the computer can write
to it, but not read from it? And if that's so, doesn't it make sense
to call a batch file you write to control your printer WOM.BAT?
(A number of years back the computer virus research community had a
discussion where one poster suggested that the use of source code was the
ultimate answer to viral programs. In the course of his diatribe he
referred to "Write-Only Hard Drives". Not only did he not catch his
mistake, but two people who quoted his material (plus the moderator there
who *loved* word play) also quoted it without catching the mistake.
Obviously source code isn't the answer :-)
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 15:28:43 MEX
From: Antonio Oliveros <OLIVEROS@IBERO.UIA.MX>
Subject: An easy riddle ( Oh, no| more Marco A. Almazan Humor.)
Hi you all, after a month or so of absence I'm back with another jewel.
And now, (drum fill here)... The riddle|.
Today is a sunny day, everithing everywhere is joy and happines, but,
you see everithing everywhere dark. Where are you?
Possible answers:
( ) At the supermarket, trying to make your weekly shoppings with only
$ 10.00
( ) At the eye of the hurricane Filiberta, the 5th this season.
( ) Listening a new report about the new taxes and the economical future of
the country.
( ) At the university.
( ) Having lunch with your wife (husband) in your mother-in-law home.
( ) At work, with a mountain of to-do work acumulating, and a terrible
hangover.
( ) In a work meeting with your boss.
Check all that apply.
Bye for now.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Antonio Oliveros. | ////// | DON'T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY,
Iberoamericana University.| // 00 | YOU WILL NEVER GET OUT OF IT
Mexico City. | |@ > | ALIVE.
----------------------------oOo--------oOO------------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 21:17:45 -0500
From: Les Pourciau at The University of Memphis <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR GUIDE
================================================================================
The item which follows is from the HUMOR GUIDE. I have a proctologist
friend who says that he can't bring himself to use the term, "end
user." :-).
================================================================================
> (h) computer programming humor should be avoided except when it
> can be enjoyed by end-users.
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Date: Fri, 3 Jun 1994 21:34:07 -0700
From: Bob Lennard <blennard@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: David Letterman's Top Ten List for 06/03/94
-----> Friday, June 3, 1994 <-----
[Original Air Date: January 20, 1994]
========
Opening:
========
From New York, hellish and built to stay that way, it's the Late Show
with David Letterman. Tonight - Demi Moore, Willie Nelson, and from
Saturday Night Live, Al Franken. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra.
And now, as seen on TV, David Letterman.
====================================================================
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Induction
====================================================================
10. "Bono, Yoko, Yoko, Bono"
9. "I'm sorry, but no one under 18 will be permitted unless they're
Bill Wyman's date"
8. "Jerry Garcia couldn't make it tonight -- here to accept in his
behalf is a bearded fat guy we pulled in off the street"
7. "Is that feedback or is Yoko Ono singing?"
6. "Here, take Cesar Romero's seat"
5. "How did Tonya Harding get voted in?"
4. "What a coincidence Mr. McCartney I played you in the Chicago cast
of `Beatlemania', and now I'm your waiter!"
3. "Oh no, they're letting Letterman perform!" (followed by the now
famous clip of the guy who looks like Letterman playing the fiddle)
2. "Earthquake! Oh wait, Meat Loaf just fell of his chair"
1. "Run for you life it's Elton John's hair!"
--
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