Digest for Saturday, June 04, 1994

There are 4 messages totalling 148 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. Humorous childhood poem about death
  2. What is a tape tree?
  3. Man in a bar
  4. Almanac humor: Willing to be ruined 


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Date:         Sat, 4 Jun 1994 10:26:00 EST
From:         Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Humorous childhood poem about death

The Hearse Rolls By

Did you ever think, when a hearse rolls by,
That you may be the next to die?
They wrap you up in a nice clean sheet,
And drop you down about six feet deep.
All goes well for about a week,
And then your coffin begins to leak.
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,
The worms play pinnacle on you snout.
They eat your clothes, they eat your hat,
They crawl in skinny and crawl out fat!
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Date:         Sat, 4 Jun 1994 13:42:05 EDT
From:         Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject:      What is a tape tree? <You are putting me on humor>

        Another example of humor from Best-of-Usenet

Reposted From: narad@nudibranch.engr.sgi.com (Chuck Narad)
In article <145897@hydra.gatech.EDU>, you write:
> What is a tape tree?  I understand that it has to do with tapeing
) shows. How do you get on one. I would like to get involved in tape
) trading but am never able to make shows.       -thomas kimberly

I'm glad you asked that question.  Tape trees are a little-known
deciduous variety in the nightshade family.  Various species
hve been cultivated around the world for years, providing people
with the essential tapes for all aspects of their lives.  In scotland,
for example, farmers have bred tape trees to produce the familiar
"Scotch Tape" with the Transparent, Wide, and 2-Side species.

Duck hunters in the american midwest are of course quite familiar
with the Duck Tape tree; they harvest the fruits of this fine
spreading tree, open them with a hunting knife, and spread it on the
ground beneath the tree.  Unsuspecting ducks are attracted to the
gray strips, and look closely at them to see if there are any
bugs stuck to it (as they might find on a Fly Paper Bush).  The
tape sticks to the poor ducks' eyes, and they stagger in circles
around the tree until the hunters dispatch the feathered creatures
in the well-known "Duck Blind" ceremony.

As far afield as Papua New Guinea, tape trees have supplied other
ceremonial materials.  Who, for instance, can forget the riveting
spectacle of cannibal tribesmen covering their faces with "Masking
Tape" in last year's National Geographic special?

Musicians often carry an amulet containing the rare "Audition Tape"
that can be found only on Albino Climbing Casette Tape vines.  Despite
the lack of any evidence of this helping, many aspiring musicians
will refuse to leave home without it.

Farmer Max Points, in Dead Hollow, Michigan is of course credited
with the discovery of the Audio Tape tree, which emits a pleasing
snapping and hissing sound when the tape is peeled from the fruits
of this noble plant.  Even today people seek out Farmer Points,
and can often be heard to cry, "What happened to Max Points?" when
travelling through that fine state.

Getting on a tape tree is not as easy as it might seem, but getting
off of one is nearly impossible; powerful sap makes each branch a
death trap, and in the tape tree jungles of Brazil one can find the
mummified remains of many a budding "taper", as the tapefruit
harvesters are known in the local lingo.

Tape trading seems to be a harmless activity, and no home in america
is lacking at least a few varieties of the Common Scotch varieties.
Clubs exist to discuss and exchange tape samples, and one can
often find such interesting varieties as "Police Line, Do Not Cross"
tape at their events.

So next time you "tape up" a centerfold from that swedish art
magazine, pause a moment and reflect on how that little tree
affects so many aspects of your life.  I know I will.

Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet

Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
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Date:         Sat, 4 Jun 1994 16:07:12 EDT
From:         TG436@AOL.COM
Subject:      Man in a bar <slightly risque>

A man walks into a bar carrying a battered briefcase and orders a cold one.
The bartender brings him a beer and says, "Hey pal, it's none of my business,
but what do have in the case?"
Without saying a word, the man opens the case and out pops a little man,
about a foot high. He runs across the bar, jumps down to the floor, runs
across the room to a piano in the corner, jumps up and begins to play.
He is pounding out wonderful piano music, and people are peeking in from the
street to see who this guy is. Pretty soon the bar is full of people and the
bartender is doing better business than he has in years.
"Hey that guy is great," he says to the man with the case. "Where did you get
him?"
"I was in Egypt by the Great Pyramids," the man replies. "It was very hot so
I leaned against the pyramid to rest. The stone block moved and I found a
magic lamp. I rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and said he would grant
just one wish."
"That's incredible," said the bartender, "do you think it is still there?"
"Oh, it's still there," the man said, "but I have to warn you that when you
make your wish, be sure to speak very slowloy and clearly and enunciate each
word."
"Well, it works, right?" said the bartender. "You got your wish didn't you?"
"Tell me," the man replied wearily, "do you really think I would wish for a
twelve-inch pianist?"
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Date:         Sat, 4 Jun 1994 17:46:54 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject:      Almanac humor: Willing to be ruined <adult theme>

A country girl was sent to market to sell her butter, and being a
pretty cherry cheeked fresh coloured girl, a gentleman took notice of
her, bought all her butter, and insisted upon her drinking something
with him to which she with some reluctance, consented; and then he
forced her to drink so much, that she was quite intoxicated; --he
afterwards asked her to sleep with him that night, to which she very
readily consented. The next morning when she returned home, her father
and mother demanded the reason for her staying all night. She
immediately told them the whole affair. "O you hussy," cryed they,
"you are ruined!" "O mother," says the girl smiling, "I wish I was to
be ruined so every night of my life, and live to the age of
Methusala." (The Farmer's Almanack for 1799)



Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987). Early American Almanac Humor. Bowling
Green (Ohio) State University Press.
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