Digest for Friday, July 01, 1994
There are 21 messages totalling 924 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- DIRTY ROTTEN FILTH
- ( ) Dorothy Parker-isms
- offensive for Germans
- Star Trek Lost Episode (part 2 of 2, not 3)
- The 14 Commandments of the Religious Left (Political)
- religous humor - clean
- PETITES HISTOIRES DROLES (fwd) NOT OFFENSIVE
- Early Am. almanac humor: Two clergy jokes
- Senior Citizen Sex
- Life 5.5 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 6 Jul 89
- clean jokes
- Irish joke
- Bad Little Johnny
- Offensive to women
- Clean
- Sexual content...
- A POEM
- Memory joke
- Sexy talk
- THE UNOFFICIAL OJ SIMPSON JOKE LIST
- David Lettermans Top Ten List for 07/01/94
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 10:13:00 JST
From: Paul Randolph <GEH01016@NIFTYSERVE.OR.JP>
Subject: DIRTY ROTTEN FILTH
"You've got no tits and a tight box," he said.
"Get off my back," she replied.
What's a lapdog? An ugly woman who gives good head.
Mom: "Honey, you have rice in your hair, were you at a wedding?"
Daughter: "No, I was blowing some Japanese guy and he puked on me."
What's the slimiest thing in the world?
Two eels screwing in a bucket of snot.
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear zippers a mile away.
What do you call a fat alien pig that porks everybody?
Jabba the slut.
How do you make a woman scream twice?
Fuck her in the ass, then wipe it on the curtains.
Paul Randolph
Okayama, Japan
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 05:43:43 EDT
From: Allan KcKellar <gbibm5v7@IBMMAIL.COM>
Subject: ( ) Dorothy Parker-isms
----------------------- Mail item text follows ---------------
To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL
From : Allan McKellar
Subject: ( ) Dorothy Parker-isms
From short article in UK national newspaper on 30th June
( I'm sure they're likely to have been posted before, )
( anyone got more ? )
On Katherine Hepburn : She ran the gamut of emotion, from A to B
On the death of Calvin Cooldidge : How could they tell ?
Hiawatha nice girl until I met you
That woman speaks 18 languages, and can't say "no" in any of them
If all the girls at the Yale prom were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be
at all surprised
One more drink and I'll be under the host
Regards, Allan
SD Production Support, ISSC
Greenock ______________ IEA: GBIBM5V7 at IBMMAIL
( 0475-895176 )
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 13:37:21 +0000
From: Raimund Hoevelmann <Hoevelmann@EM.UNI-FRANKFURT.D400.DE>
Subject: offensive for Germans
An American friend of mine wrote me this little 'joke' :
The USA have Bill Clinton The Germans have Helmut Kohl
Stevie Wonder no Wonder
Bob Hope no Hope
Jonny Cash no Cash
Raimund Hoevelmann Frankfurt-University-Hospital, Germany
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 05:46:48 -0700
From: Gary Watson <watson@RAHUL.NET>
Subject: Star Trek Lost Episode (part 2 of 2, not 3)
[hopwoogr@kai.ee.cit.ac.nz (Grant HOPWOOD)] didn't write this, he just
forwarded it to comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.adventure for everyone's amusement.
Author: jrd@roddenberry.ebt.com (john r. durand)
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
We left our crew yesterday, waiting for the installation of Windows to
shut down the BORG. The Borg have discovered solitare.
<Picard> "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."
. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
<Riker> "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"
<Geordi> "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to
transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft
Fun-pack'.
<Picard> "How much time will that buy us?"
<Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours."
<Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
<Picard> "Identify."
<Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
logo..."
<Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP
_MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS
SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU
HAVE 10
SECONDS TO COMPLY."
<Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."
<Picard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
<Riker> "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward
the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the
tortures of deep space?!"
<Data> "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer
I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani
suits."
<Riker and Picard, together - horrified> "Lawyers!!"
<Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
<Data> "True, but appearently some must have survived."
<Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all
types of papers."
<Data> "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It
often proves fatal."
<Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
<Picard> "Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg
doesnt deserve such a gruesome death!"
--
"SATAN! SATAN! The megafurnace is about to blow!
The temperature shes rising!
I cannae hold her for much longer!..." - Scotty in Hell.
Contributed to Humor by Gary Watson, Los Gatos, CA
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 09:06:25 -0400
From: Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Subject: The 14 Commandments of the Religious Left (Political)
Rush Limbaugh announced the following on his TV show, June 29. It was
reprinted in the July 1, {Washington [DC] Times}. He stated that with all
the attacks on the "religious right" by the liberals, it was time to find
out what their agenda was, so without further delay, here is
The 14 Commandments of the Religious Left (in no particular order):
1. Thou shalt have no other God except thyself, after all, it's thy
self-esteem that counts. If thou doth not love thyself, who will?
2. Thou shalt not make any gravn image out of any substances which
cannot be recycled.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of liberals in criticism, including
feminists, racial minorities, or any person who thinks he is a
victim of America.
4. Remember the anniversaries of {Roe v. Wade} and Anita Hill's
testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and keep them holy.
5. Honor thy mother. If she's dysfunctional, it's thy father's fault.
6. Thou shalt not kill. With these exceptions: life forms under the
second trimester, and those opting for medically assisted suicides.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Unless thou aspirest to high
political office, weareth a condom, or cannot help it.
8. Thou shalt not steal. Unless thou art disadvantaged or upset with
a [California] jury verdict.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness. Unless thou are discussing the
history of the 1980s, art campaigning, or can afford good legal
counsel in the event thou art discovered.
10. Thou shalt not covet. Unless thou art the victim of gender-related
oppression or institutional racism, or art still angy with
Reagan's tax cuts.
11. Always hide the real truth about thyself.
12. Never admit who or what thou really art when campaigning for office.
13. Always blame someone else for what thou art - even so far as to
blame the entire society.
14. Thou shalt oppose all punishment - except when conservative
Republicans or religious right people criticise thee.
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 10:18:11 -0400
From: D. E. Gulledge <gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: religous humor - clean
Late one Saturday night, after a long and difficult day of visiting
hospitals, nursing homes and elderly members of the congregation, a southern
baptist preacher was making his weary way home. As he traveled the
hilly, curving country road, he overtook a car. The slow moving car was
weaving from one side of the road to the other in a most disturbing
manner. Being familiar with most residents of the area he recognized the
car as belonging to a member of his congregation. "Oh no," said the
preacher to himself, "Frank Johnson has fallen off the wagon again. The
way that car is weaving, he must be really plastered. I better pull up
beside him and get him to stop before he hurts himself." Putting thought
to action, the preacher pulled along side Frank's car just in time for
the next swerve to run him off the road. Over the shoulder, down a steep
bank, the preacher's car rolled over twice and came to rest against a
large pine tree.
Not completely senseless to the world, Frank stopped his car and
staggered back to a point above the preacher's car. Fortunately, the
preacher had been using a seat belt. That and the relatively slow speed
had prevented any injury. When Frank saw someone struggling out of the
wrecked car, he yelled, "Who the hell are you?"
The preacher yelled back, "Frank Johnson, don't you talk to me like that."
"My God preacher, that you?"
"Yes Frank, it is, and I'll thank you not to take the Lord's name in
vain. It's already bad enough that you're drunk."
"You OK peacher?"
"Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me."
"You better let him ride with me. Way you drive, you gona kill him."
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 10:27:00 -0400
From: Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: PETITES HISTOIRES DROLES (fwd) NOT OFFENSIVE
Some more French jokes.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 13:45:01 +0100
From: Fabienne.Penner <penner@ulp.u-strasbg.fr>
To: Tous les abonnes de <gag@thot.u-strasbg.fr>
Subject: PETITES HISTOIRES DROLES
Un sultan tombe follement amoureux de la fille d'un touriste :
- Si vous me donnez votre fille en mariage, dit-il au pere, je vous donne son
poids en diamants !!
- Donnez-moi deux jours, repond alors celui-ci.
- Afin de reflechir, je suppose ! dit le sultan.
- Non, juste le temps de l'engraisser un peu.
A sultan falls head over heels in love with a tourist's daughter.
"If you will give me your daughter's hand in marriage, I'll give you her
weight in diamonds!"
"Give me two days," the father replies.
"So you can think about it, I suppose," says the sultan.
"No, just so I can fatten her up a little.
--
Tu viens a la maison quant tu veux. C'est simple : tu tournes a gauche apres
l'eglise. Chez moi, c'est la deuxieme maison apres la boulangerie. Alors tu
pousses la porte avec le pied et tu entres.
- Pourquoi avec le pied ?
- Parce que tu auras les bras charges de cadeaux pour moi !!
Come to my house whenever you want to. It's simple: you turn to the
left after the church. My house is the second one after the bakery.
Push the door open with your foot, and come on in.
"Why 'with my foot'?"
"Because your arms will be loaded with presents for me!"
--
Un matou guette une petite souris grise refugiee dans son trou et bien
decidee a ne pas le quitter tant que le chat sera la. Celui-ci imagine alors
une ruse, il se met brusquemment a aboyer. La souris, croyant son terrible
ennemi parti, sort dare-dare de sa cachette. Le chat se jette aussitot sur
elle et la devore tout de go.... Puis, se lechant les babines, il se dit a
lui-meme : Ah comme c'est utile de connaitre les langues etrangeres.
A tomcat is lying in wait for a little grey mouse hiding in her hole
which she has very much decided not to leave as long as the cat is
there. The wiley cat, thinking of a trick, suddenly begins to bark. The
mouse, thinking that her terrible enemy had left, comes out of her
hiding place. The cat immediately jumps on the little mouse, and gobbles
her down in one fell swoop. Then, licking his chops, he says to himself:
"It sure comes in handy being able to speak foreign languages."
[These were originally posted on GAG, a French humor list by the person
whose signature follows. I did the translating. <glacy@grits.valdosta.
peachnet.edu>]
PENNER Fabienne
Division des Enseignements
Centre de Formations des Professeurs
BONNES VACANCES A CEUX ET CELLES QUI SONT ET QUI SERONT EN
VACANCES.
A BIENTOT.
--
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 10:58:18 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Early Am. almanac humor: Two clergy jokes
King James I of England once went out of his way to hear noted
preacher. The clergyman seeing the King enter, left his text to
declaim against swearing, for which the King was notorious.--When
done, James thanked him for his sermon, but asked what connection
swearing had with it? He answered, "Since your Majesty came out
of your way, I could not do less than go out of mine to meet
you." (The Gentlemen's and Ladies' Diary and Almanac for 1800)
A chaplain to a Governor of Bengal, more remarkable for the
goodness of his heart than the brilliancy of his wit, being, one
day at the table of his patron, asked for a toast, with much
simplicity, exclaimed "Alas; and a lack a day! What can I give?"
"Nothing better," replied the Governor. "Come gentlemen, a bumper
to the parson's toast--A lass and a lack a day." A lack of rupees
is 100,000 pounds. (The Annual Visitor, or Almanac for 1800)
Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early
American Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 11:14:18 -0400
From: Warren Ferguson <aa159@SEORF.OHIOU.EDU>
Subject: Senior Citizen Sex <adult theme>
A ninety-year-old woman and a ninety-five-year-old man had just gotten
married. When the husband tottered out of the bathroom ready for bed, he
found his wife standing on her head, naked, up against the wall.
"What in tarnation are you doing?" he demanded.
"Well," she explained. "Ifigured if you couldn't get it up, you could
just drop it in."
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 09:13:06 PDT
From: hcate.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 5.5 A collection of clean humor gathered on: 6 Jul 89
----------------------------------------------------
The best practical joke I ever heard happened at Carleton College.
A friend of mine stayed down at school over the winter break. While
everyone else was at home for Christmas, he went out to the lumber
yard, bought studs, sheetrock, and paint, and walled over a friend's
dorm room door. It was *completely* gone.
How would you like to return to school to find your dorm room missing?
One of the all-time classic practical jokes it the holding of the
string. Get a rather long length of string, and ask a passer-by if
they wouldn't minding holding the end while you affix the other end
(you'll have to make up some phony excuse, such as it's part of a
surveying measurement or some arcane scientific experiment).
Then unravel the string around a corner and ask someone else to hold
the other end. Your work done, you now disappear!
Some time ago (I won't admit how long) at university we had a "Cafeteria
Bridge Club". One of it's members had bought a new car, which got pretty
good gas milage (at that time). The new owner gradually became pretty
obnoxious talking about the milage he got. Some of the others decided to
get even.
Over a period of 2 weeks we made a trip at night and *added* a gallon
of gas to his tank. You can image how the gas economy stories grew. It
was very hard to keep a straight face. Most of us failed from time to time.
Then we reversed the process. Each night for 2 weeks we siphoned out a
gallon of gas, recovering our investment. Perhaps you had to be there. But
the stories dried up. Even under prodding about the state of his new car,
all we could get from him was a very strange facial expression. One of the
more "practical" jokes I can recall from the good ol' days.
----------------------------------------------------
Late Night's Top Ten List - 6/23/89
TOP TEN LINES FROM STAR TREK V
10. Captain, there's a horrible life form on your head! Oh sorry,
its your hairpiece!
9. Surprise, those aren't Dilethium crystals - they're Folgers crystals.
8. Damm it Jim! I'm a doctor - not a very good actor.
7. Don't let Kirk show you what he calls the Captain's log.
6. Computer analysis indicates it really is Rob Lowe.
5. Geez, I'm sick of you guys!
4. It's been a century since they changed your planet's name from
EARTH to TRUMP.
3. Oh yeah! Well, beam this up pal!
2. What the hell is Don King doing here?
1. @#$%~ the Final Frontier! Let's go see BATMAN!
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 13:07:00 EDT
From: Frank.Hartman <22345FLH@MSU.EDU>
Subject: clean jokes
"I have decided," said the judge in divorce court, "to award your wife
three hundred dollars a month."
"Great!" said the man. "I'll even chip in a few dollars myself."
________________________________
A man was driving down a country road when he ran over a rooster.
Finding the farmer, he apologized and said he'd like to replace him.
"Suit yourself," said the framer. "Go introduce yourself to the hens out
in the coop."
________________________________
"I wonder why in the world did they hang that picture!" the art
patron exclaimed.
"Perhaps," said her companion, "they couldn't find the artist."
________________________________
How do you keep a fish from smelling?
Cut off its nose.
________________________________
An old woman called the police about her neighbor who was sunbathing
in the nude.
"I don't see anything," said the policeman, looking out her window.
"Of course not," said the woman, "You have to stand on this chair."
_______________________________
Never try to teach a pig to sing. You won't produce any music, and
you'll annoy the pig.
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 19:55:14 +0100
From: Steve Nicholas <steve.nicholas@AIRGUN.WG.WAII.COM>
Subject: Irish joke
Three builders, an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman, were sitting down to
their packed lunches. "Oh no,", said the Englishman, "not ham sandwiches
AGAIN. I hate ham. I've been getting it every day for five years. If I get
it again tomorrow I'm going to kill myself." The Scotsman looks inside his
lunch box. "Och,", said the Scotsman, "nae cheese. Ah canna stand cheese.
Ah've had cheese sandwiches every day for TEN years. If ah get it again
tomorrow ah'm going to end it all." Then the Irishman investigates his
meal. "Bejesus,", said the Guinness drinker, "Not jam. I detest jam. I've
had jam sandwiches every day for FIFTEEN years. If I get it again tomorrow
I'm going to buy the farm." Next day they are all at lunch once more. The
Englishman tentatively looks inside his lunch box.
"HAM! That's it. I said I'd do it." He promptly lay on the newly laid
tarmac and let a steamroller flatten him to oblivion. The Scotsman looks in
his lunchbox. "Och CHEESE! Ah'll do it. Ah said ah would." He throws
himself off the highest bit of scaffolding and into the cement mixer and
does away with himself. The Irishman finds out that he too has his hated
sandwiches. "Jam! Jam! Jam! I hate jam. I've had enough now." He gets
up and throws a seven by goading with a balloon a Rottweiler that's walking
past. At the joint funeral the mens' wives are deep in mourning. Said the
Englishman's wife, "If I'd known he hated ham I would have given him
something else. It's all my fault." The Scotsman's wife continued, "All he
had to do was tell me. I would have done anything to prevent this." The
Irishman's wife said, "That's really odd. MY husband made his OWN sandwiches."
Boom boom.
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 13:53:55 -0500
From: Tom Behl <BEHLTJ@MAIL.STATE.WI.US>
Subject: Bad Little Johnny
Date: 06/24/94
From: Thomas J. Behl BEHLTJ - WSRC
To: OAS - EMX
Subject: Bad Little Johnny
One day, Johnny was sitting in the library, calmly flicking small ball bearings
around the room. Of course, one of the balls hit the librarian square in the
forehead. She stood up and glared around the room and said, "Who has the steel
balls," to which Johnny gleefully replied "Superman!"
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 13:55:06 -0500
From: Tom Behl <BEHLTJ@MAIL.STATE.WI.US>
Subject: Offensive to women
Date: 06/24/94
From: Thomas J. Behl BEHLTJ - WSRC
To: OAS - EMX
Subject: Offensive to women
A man comes home one day with four brand new snow tires--I mean beautiful,
white wall, top-of-the line models. His wife says to him, "Why'd you buy snow
tires you don't even have a car?"
The man says: "Yeah but you buy bras don't you?"
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 15:11:11 -0400
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Clean
One day a mother and her 8-year-old daughter were walking along the
beach, just at the water's edge. Suddenly, a G I G A N T I C wave
flashed up on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea.
"Oh, God," lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and
shaking her fist. "This was my ONLY baby. I can't have more children.
She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that
she's been with me. Give her back to me, and I'll be in church every day
for the rest of my life!!!!"
Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on
the sand. The mother looked up to heaven and said,
"She had on a HAT!!!!"
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 15:41:34 -0400
From: Bob Hawkey - Dont worry - Be Happy! };^> <kcdhawk@KODAK.COM>
Subject: Sexual content...
Still, my favorite is:
What is the difference between Like, love, and adoration?
Spit, swallow, and gargle!
Have a great holiday!
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 20:46:00 +0000
From: Ken Callander<CALLANDER_KEN/HP5000_40@HPWCSVP.MAYFIELD.HP.COM>
Subject: A POEM
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue
mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it;
I'm sure your please to no.
It's letter perfect in its weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
Source and Author unknown
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 17:03:47 EST
From: Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Memory joke
Doctor, I don't know what to do. You've got to help me; I just can't
remember a thing. I've no memory at all. I hear something one
minute, and the next minute I forget it. Tell me, what should I do?
Pay in advance.
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 18:10:38 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Sexy talk <humor>
Why is it that whenever a man talks dirty to a womyn it is sexual
harrassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man it is $4.50 per
minute?
Well, of course! Men would rather talk about it, while women
would rather go shopping.
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 16:59:09 PDT
From: Wally Zajac <Wally_T._Zajac.LAX1B@XEROX.COM>
Subject: THE UNOFFICIAL OJ SIMPSON JOKE LIST
THE UNOFFICIAL OJ SIMPSON JOKE LIST
Did you hear about what Mike Tyson is having for breakfast in jail???
Freshly Squeezed O.J. !!!!!
Did you hear the police finally got a confession from O.J.?
They squeezed it out of him.
You know,..I think the only reason OJ did all those Hertz
commercials was to get A FREE GET AWAY CAR!!
What did Michael Jackson say to OJ after the arrest
Don't worry, I'll take care of your kids
What does OJ stand for?
Off to Jail
(Actually its Orenthal James Simpson)
What did the executioner yell in front of the electric chair?
OK, give him the Juice!
"Police investigating the murder of O.J. Simpson's wife and another man
stated there was about 45 minutes between the time of the murders and
the departure of Mr. Simpson's plane for Chicago."
Now I know why O.J. did all those Hertz commercials...practice.
O.J. Simpson CANNOT be guilty for the murders he was charged with, since the
two victims were stabbed to death. After all, everyone knows
that Buffalo Bills *ALWAYS* choke!
I was surprised Friday to come home, turn on my TV, and see a civilian car
going 50 mph on the freeway with a pack of police cars following, afraid
to pass!
Heard on one of the New York City radio stations (sorry, forgot which one):
"I tried to watch the Knicks game last night, but all I kept seeing were
those Ford Bronco commercials."
"Well, there's not much time left, they have to make a big play soon ..."
"Movement in the backfield, it's O.J.! What a move. He breaks away from a
pack of defenders, he's going 40, 50. He just might make it."
"He cuts to the 91 . . . now streaks down the 405. They can't catch him!"
"Looks like he's going to make it, and ... ooohh .... they bring him down in
the driveway, just short."
"What a play, one we'll all remember, one for the record books, O.J.s longest
run from skirmish."
Did you hear about the new drink called "The Simpson"?
OJ, a couple of slices, and a chaser
Following is evidence that O.J. is not the killer:
They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it.
If he murdered, it would Hertz his advertising career.
The juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, but never
beating the pulp out of her.
It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but everyone has
seen O.J. concentrate.
The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football fan knows that O.J.
could never cut to the left.
I heard this joke on the "Don & Mike National Radio Show" on WJFK
in Washington, DC.
Order a Bloody Screwdriver the next time you're at a sports bar.
It's O.J. mixed with bitters, and a sliced tomato.
While watching the (currently ongoing) drama of O.J. Simpson running
away from the police on CNN, I thought it would be neat if they cut to
a commercial:
This special news coverage is brought to you by Hertz. The next time you
need to make a getaway, Hertz is the one.....
I wonder if they will let OJ do the endorsement from jail.
What was O.J.'s last play?
Cut to the left, slash to the right.
Mike Tyson is going to take Anita Bryant's place as the spokesman for
the Florida Orange Juice Council. The new slogan is:
"A Day Without O.J. is like a day without Robyn."
I tried to watch the NBA Finals Friday night, but all I kept seeing
was those damn Bronco commercials.
Simpson's new lawyer Robert Shapiro has defended other celebrities including
Michael Jackson during his child molestation problems.
It's said that he likes a new drink: 12 year old (scotch) with an
OJ chaser.
The football arena at Galileo High School, OJ's alma mater, is called "Simpson
Field" in his honor, though they are thinking of changing it to "Inmate 7328193
Field".
Heard on the PA system at the World Cup games in LA,
"Paging the owner of a white Ford Bronco -- California plates 'J-U-I-C-E' --
your engine is running and the emergency flashers are on."
It was just learned that OJ has an airtight alibi for the night of the
killings. It seems he was waiting for a table at Denny's the entire time....
Q. Since O.J. may end up in prison, news is that he will be moving to a new
player position - tight end?
A. in prison, all tight ends eventually become wide receivers!!
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The Top *17* Reasons For O.J. Simpson's Freeway Drive
17> Miffed at always being passed up for grand marshall of Rose Parade.
16> Thought he was supposes to surrender to the *New York* police.
15> Taking a short cut to his job at the nuclear plant.
(Oops! That's one of the Top 5 Reasons for *Homer* J. Simpson's Freeway
Drive!)
14> "Come on, AL, just forty more miles and the odometer will flip 100,000!"
13> Missed the sign that said "Next Exit: Food, Gas, Ammo."
12> Figured he could outwit Tommy Lee Jones long enough to find the real
culprit.
11> Heard Burger King was giving out "Lion King" action figures with Kid's
Meals.
10> Haunted by that 80-year-old Hertz woman's voice, shouting, "GO, O.J., GO!"
9> Mistook Dexatrim capsules for 'ludes, and the next thing ya know...
8> Wanted to finish listening to his new Snoop Doggy Dog CD.
7> Had to deliver that pizza in half an hour, or it was free.
6> Rental copy of "Fatal Attraction" overdue at Brentwood Blockbuster.
5> In sudden haste to leave country, forgot to pack favorite Smurf pajamas
with attached feet.
4> Desperate last-ditch attempt to wrest "Sportsperson of the Year" honors
away from Tonya Harding.
3> A.C. and O.J. still bitter over losing highly-coveted roles of Thelma and
Louise to Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis.
2> Psychiatrist-prescribed "Route 66 Therapy" went horribly wrong.
and the #1 Reason For O.J. Simpson's Freeway Drive...
1> Just felt like cruisin', dammit.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a murder spree in LA?
A: Just another night out for OJ...
What's the last thing O.J. Simpson's ex-wife said?
"hertz...hertz...hertz..."
(Say it!)
I heard that since Hertz dropped OJ, that Energizer wants to replace that damn
bunny with him in his white bronco ... it keeps going and going and going......
Okay there are these 3 crimanls in Jail and they're going to be executed and
the
executioner gives them their choice of how to die. They can either choose to
be shot, hanged, or injected with aids. The 1st guy says he wants to be shot,
then OJ says he wants to be hanged, and the 3rd guy says he wants to be
injected with aids. After choosing the 3 guys are put back in their cell to
wait for their execution. The 1st guy and OJ go up to the 3rd guy and say "why
would you want to be injected with aids? It's a slow and painful death."
The 3rd guy says, "Don't worry I'll wear a condom."
Another Hertz could-be slogan"
"Call Hertz Car Rental .. whether you want to get away for a day, a weekend,
or our super speed cars to get away from the law"
"OJ, what are you going to do now that you have just killed your wife and her
companion
OJ replies...."I'm going to Disneyland."
what does OJ Simpson and cindy crawford have in comon...?
they both look good in stripey clothing.......
what's the difference between me and oj simpson????
I dont have to get used to showering in mens prison!
What does the OJ in OJ Simpson stand for?
A: Off to Jail.
FLASH!!!
L.A.P.D. forensics lab has now determined that O. J. simpson actually used a
hedge trimmer to commit the murders of his wife and her lover, last week.
His former teammates in Buffalo were relieved to hear this news, since
they knew that he would only get 15 yards for clipping!
Q: What was the last thing that O.J. said to his wife?
A: "Ever had a Hertz doughnut?"
Explaination:
Young children will sometimes do this:
Child #1: Ever had a Hertz doughnut?
Child #2: No.
[Child #1 punches Child #2 on the arm, or slaps them in the face, or
something similar.]
Child #1: Hurts, don't it?
Possible NEW meanings for the O.J. acronym:
1. Overly Jealous
2. Organ Jabber
3. Only Joking
4. Ominously Jilted
5. Opens Jugulars
6. Orange Jumpsuit
7. Off (to) Jail
I heard that San Quetin is adding a new item to there menu.......
.....Fresh O.J.
Why have the sales of Ramses increased this past week?
Because now, we all know a Trojan can snap!
What's the difference between OJ and Tang?
Tang won't kill you.
People have started drinking more grapefruit juice lately.
Recent reports on TV say that OJ can kill you.
Contrary to current news reports, Mr. Simpson will continue to participate in
rental car ads, starting off their new "YOU ALWAYS HERTZ THE ONE YOU LOVE"
campaign.
What do you get when you mix OJ and Champagne?
A MAIMosa
Heard at the Rose Bowl during the World Cup Games
"Paging the owner of a white Ford Bronco -- California plates 'J-U-I-C-E' --
your engine is running and the emergency flashers are on."
O J Simpson has been paroled --
on the condition that he marry Lorena Bobbitt.
Did hear the the Surgeon General has endorsed drinking grapefruit juice
every morning. The Surgeon General further stated that O.J. will kill
you.
What do the L.A. Rams and the LAPD have in common?
Neither one is effective against the run.
What is OJ's favorite football run pattern?
Cut left, cut right, then slice up the middle!
O.J's new initials are J.J. ... Jail Juice
OJ is not guilty... they found a Super Bowl ring at the
Crime Scene...
What was Nicole Simpson's last word.......
HERTZ!
What is the difference between O.J. Simpson and the Hertz Corp.?
O.J. Simpson slashes more than just prices!
Did you hear that the Simpson family said that the holidays
won't be the same without O.J., especially Thanksgiving
since there will be nobody around to carve up the white-meat
What's O.J.'s new number?
32 to Life
Bill Clinton: "This O.J. Simpson case is a real tragic!"
Aide: "Yes, Mr. President, it is."
Bill Clinton: "Well, I for one hopes he gets off. Heck, I might just give him
a FULL PRESIDENTIAL PARDON if he's convicted!"
Aide: "You must be a big fan of Mr. Simpson, sir!"
Bill Clinton: "Nah, I just want to hire him to take out Paula Corbin Jones!"
What were Nicole's last words?
I could have had a V8.
What do you get when you mix O.J. Simpson, Michael Jackson
and Mike Tyson?
--Orange Fruit Punch.
What position did he play in college? razorback
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Date: Fri, 1 Jul 1994 22:08:10 -0700
From: Bob Lennard <blennard@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: David Letterman's Top Ten List for 07/01/94
-----> Friday, July 1, 1994 <-----
========
Opening:
========
From New York, check, please - it's the Late Show with David Letterman.
Tonight - Connie Chung, Phil Collins, and Coast-to-Coast with Mujibur and
Sirajul. Plus Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. And now, a man who
can tell you what time it is in France, David Letterman.
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