Digest for Sunday, July 03, 1994

There are 6 messages totalling 167 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. Offensive to Mexicans
  2. position available
  3. Offensive to Rednecks
  4. Doctor joke (off. to women)
  5. Sex in Sports
  6. Dorothy Parker quotes 


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Date:         Sun, 3 Jul 1994 09:39:00 JST
From:         Paul Randolph <GEH01016@NIFTYSERVE.OR.JP>
Subject:      Offensive to Mexicans

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because anyone who can run, jump or swim is already in the
United States.

How can you spot a Mexican intellectual?
He's the one who can read without moving his lips.

Why did the black man's father object to him marrying a Mexican?
He was afraid the child would be too lazy to steal.

Goose a Mexican ghost and what do you get?
A handful of sheet.

Hear about the Black/Mexican restaurant?
It's called Nacho Papa.

What's the difference between a teacup and a peacup?
A teacup is what English drink out of, and a peacup is what
Mexican's drive.

What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an Italian?
A guy who makes an offer you can't understand.

Paul Randolph
Okayama, Japan
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Date:         Sun, 3 Jul 1994 12:56:37 +0300
From:         Galit Shechter <sgalit@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject:      position available <offensive to columbians>

There is a position available as a soccer player on the columbian team -
anybody interested?
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Date:         Sun, 3 Jul 1994 19:16:00 JST
From:         Paul Randolph <GEH01016@NIFTYSERVE.OR.JP>
Subject:      Offensive to Rednecks

I've been getting an alarming amount of mail from Texas, so I wanted
to dedicate this joke to you (all):

What's the difference between a redneck and a good 'ole boy?
A redneck drives an old beat up pickup truck, has a gun rack
and stupid bumper stickers, and throws his beer cans in the
middle of the road.  A good 'ole boy throws his cans on the
side of the road.

Paul Randolph
Okayama, Japan
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Date:         Sun, 3 Jul 1994 16:32:04 +0300
From:         Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject:      Doctor joke (off. to women)

 A woman walks into a doctor's office and when she sees the person wearing
white she says:

Oh, Doc I have this terrible stomach ache for a few days, what's wrong
with me.
He asks her to undress, lie on the bed and spread her legs. After a short
examination he says: Oh my God, I've never seen such a thing. Can you
wait until I get someone else to see you?
He returns in a few minutes with another guy wearing white that performs
the same examination and reacts: you're right, but I've never seen such a
thing as well.

The woman that was very tense: Doctors, can you please tell me what's wrong
with me?

They: We don't know, we're only the painters. The doctors are out for lunch.



ariel
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Date:         Sun, 3 Jul 1994 11:03:07 -0400
From:         Warren Ferguson <aa159@SEORF.OHIOU.EDU>
Subject:      Sex in Sports

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first
said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the
last ten years perfecting his stroke."
  The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500.
Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
  The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your
husband Jill." She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an
Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
  "How so?"
   "He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."
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Date:         Sun, 3 Jul 1994 20:48:46 EDT
From:         Emile Artus <GRARTUS@ECUVM1.BITNET>
Subject:      Dorothy Parker quotes

In response to the request for more ascerbic wit by Dorothy Parker
(1893-1967), here are some I dug up.

Clare Boothe Luce (meeting Parker in a doorway):  "Age before beauty!"
Parker (gliding through the door):  "Pearls before swine!"
******************************
Here's two epitaphs Parker suggested for herself:

     Excuse my dust

     This one's on me
******************************
At a Halloween party:  "Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's
the story of my life."
******************************
In reference to a poet of the day:  "I'd rather flunk my Wasserman test
than read a poem by Edgar Guest."  [A Wasserman test is a test for
syphilis.]
******************************
On children:  "The best way to keep children home is to make the home
atmosphere pleasant -- and let the air out of the tires."
******************************
"People are more fun than anybody."
******************************
"You might as well live."
******************************
Her review of a contemporary novel:  "This is not a novel to be tossed
aside lightly.  It should be thrown with great force."
******************************
Reviewing "The House on Pooh Corner" in her column "Constant Reader":
"Tonstant Weader fwowed up."
******************************
"By the time you swear you're his, shivering and sighing,
 And he vows his passion is infinite, undying--
 Lady, make a note of this:
 One of you is lying."
******************************
"There's a helluva distance between wisecracking and wit.  Wit has some
truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words."
******************************
"I require only three things of a man:  he must be handsome, ruthless
and stupid."
******************************
"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
******************************
On an autobiography 4 volumes long:  "The affair between Margot Asquith
and Margot Asquith will live as one of the prettiest love stories in
all literature."
******************************

Emile
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