Digest for Thursday, September 01, 1994
There are 19 messages totalling 588 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Poem
- A Man and his Horse
- Humor: Who Says the Unicorn is extinct?...
- ONLY in case of emergency
- Scientific humor via mini-AIRhead
- If they were alive today... (2 of 4)
- True story - musician humor
- WWII MILITARY HUMOR
- 5 limericks
- Conspiracy humor (offensive to alt.conspiracy.jfk)
- Warren Beatty
- Computer Myths (5of7)
- If Albert Einstein were alive today..
- Another version of the Mood Party (off. to food, vulgar, crude)
- Various humor
- Army Jokes (some bad words)
- Early Am almanac humor: Honeymoon night
- Smokey Bear Humor
- belching, gross
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 20:35:09 EDT
From: Bobby Crabree User. <UKCATS1993@AOL.COM>
Subject: Poem <sexual>
> In article <CvC3AE.Cr@ucdavis.edu>, basykes@wheel.ucdavis.edu (Beverly
Sykes) wrote:> My lips are red, the lady said
> I'd like for you to look
> Not the ones upon my face...
> the ones within my nook.
>
> Any pain? the doctor asked
> Any rash or swell?
> Not a thing, she said to him
> Yet something is not well
>
> With trusty mirror in my hand
> Upon the folds I gazed
> Through the tangled matted hair
> The labial lips I raised
>
> What a sight to greet my eye!
> Whata thing to see!
> Flaming red, the tissues were
> (or so they seemed to me)
>
> Let us have a look, he said
> Open wide the door
> She opened up the pearly gates
> And bared the pelvic floor
>
> There's nothing here that I can see
> To cause you pain and strife
> My advice to you, he said
> is, Lady--get a life!
Bobby
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 19:18:55 EDT
From: Michael Betsy <MBetsy@AOL.COM>
Subject: A Man and his Horse <sex>
A cavalry batallion has just been assigned a new Sargeant. The guy is a mean
s.o.b. who wants to whip the troops into shape. He commands that they clean
up the base. Right before he leaves, the sargeant sees this ratty old nasty
horse and says, "And for God's sakes...get rid of this old horse".
Later that night a private comes to the sargeant and pleads his case.
"Sarge, I know that old horse is nasty but there's no women around and the
old horse is the only thing we got." The sargeant sympathizes and allows
them to keep the horse. A few weeks later the sarge is gettin' the old itch,
so he decides he's gonna' give it a shot. He says, "Private...prepare the
horse". He gets up on a stool and really has his way with this horse. When
he finishes he says, "So private, is that the way the men do it?"
The private responds, "Well Sir...we usually ride it into town to the
whorehouse but I guess that could work too..."
Enjoy.
Keep laughing...it's been found to cure cancer in lab animals.
Mike B. (mbetsy@aol.com)
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 13:38:34 -0400
From: Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Who Says the Unicorn is extinct?...
In an article about the merits of zoos, the Georgia Straight (a free
Vancouver weekly) reports:
Dr. Peter Crowcroft of the department of zoology at the University of Texas
is a former director of zoos. In a UBC lecture earlier sponsored by the
Vancouver Institute earlier this year, he said:
"You cannot overestimate the ignorance of the average person. We once did a
very interesting experiment. We had an empty pen with a barn at the back.
We left the barn door open and put up a sign that read:
'UNICORN. EXTINCT DUE TO EDUCATION. FEEDS ON FLOWER PETALS.
ATTRACTED TO VIRGINS.'
Most people that came along tried to peer in the open door, convinced that
the unicorn was hiding somewhere in the barn. Except for one little boy who
said to his father, 'But Daddy! There's no such thing.' To which Daddy
replied, 'Don't be stupid. Can't you read the sign?'"
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 11:29:04 -0700
From: John Filce <filce@HSUSEQ.HUMBOLDT.EDU>
Subject: ONLY in case of emergency
I am located in Northern Calif. where we just had a rather significant
earthquake a few hours ago. I just had to relate something about our
emergency preparedness. While the electrical service to the campus was
NOT interrupted, all of our campus network and large computers were
brought down when our UPS failed immediately after the quake. Now, my
understanding of the purpose of a UPS (Uninterruptable Power Supply), is
that it is to provide power for just these types of circumstances. Maybe
it only works when not needed?? I hope we don't find out that our fire
alarms fail during fires.
-John
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 22:54:52 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Scientific humor via mini-AIRhead
Research reports that merit a trip to the library:
"The Dielectric Properties of Meat" by B. Bodakian and F. X. Hart,
"IEEE Transactions on Dielectrics and Electrical Insulation", Vol.
1, No 2, April 1994. The abstract reads in part: "The permittivity
and conductivity of beef and chicken samples were measured in the
frequency range of 1 Hz to 1 MHz. Differences were observed in these
dielectric spectra for commercially purchased, as compared to freshly
slaughtered samples." (Thanks to Anders Larsson for bringing this and
the next citation to our attention.)
"A Classification of Pure Malt Scotch Whiskies" by F. J. Lapointe
and P. Legendre, "Applied Statistics", Vol. 43, No 1, pp. 237-257,
1994. The authors introduce their study thusly: "Single malts are
well known by amateurs to differ widely in nose, colour, body,
palate and finish. The layman interested in discovering the
diversity of these tasting sensations may wonder how to approach
the problem: what are the main types of single-malt Scotches, and
in what way do they differ? This is the type of question that came
to us after acquainting ourselves with single-malt whiskies during
and after the 3rd Conference of the International Federation of
Classification Societies held at Heriot-Watt University in
Edingburgh, Scotland, in August 1991."
--------------------
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was its editor until 1989. AIR is published by the MIT Museum in
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 12:38:06 -0700
From: Gary Watson <watson@RAHUL.NET>
Subject: If they were alive today... (2 of 4)
The San Jose Mercury-News requested readers to submit their ideas
of what certain deceased celebrities might be doing on TV if they were
alive today. Here are some of the responses.
If Jack Benny were alive today, he'd be:
A. implicated in an S&L scandal. (Savings and Loan)
B. understudy to Itzhak Perlman, but telling him to "slow down".
C. still 39.
If Lucille Ball were alive today, she'd be:
A. a guest on "The Oprah Winfrey Show", pointing out all the
extras Desi cheated on her with in old 'I Love Lucy" episodes.
B. playing Luci's mom in the big screen remake of "I Love Lucy",
starring Meryl Streep and Raul Julia.
C. showing Julia Child how to crush grapes with her feet.
If Joseph McCarthy were alive today, he'd be:
A. guest-hosting Rush Limbaugh's show for a week.
B. trying to eliminate all red from the color television.
C. claiming he only said all those things for the TV ratings.
-Gary Watson, Los Gatos, California
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 18:24:46 -0600
From: Howard Tayler <tayler@WORDPERFECT.COM>
Subject: True story - musician humor
A colleague of mine played in an "auditions only" orchestra in high
school, and one of the pieces that they played was the William Tell
Overture. This is well known as the music for the Lone Ranger - the
bit with the brassy trumpet fanfare was used for that TV show back
in th 60s.
Well, the Overture actually does not begin with the trumpets. It
begins with a *beautiful* cello solo, which lasts for exactly 13
measures of 4 counts each.
The trumpets regularly missed their queue and came in either early or
late, slaughtering the piece. One day in rehearsal the director
decided to have the trumpets count out loud, just to make sure they
were actually counting. So the cello plays. . . <insert cello music
here>
And the trumpets count <One,2,3,4,Two,2,3,4. . .>
and the cello continues to play. . . <more cello music>
while the trumpets count <Eight,2,3,4,Nine,2,3,4. . .>
and the cello finishes <insert director waving arms madly at trumpets
to come in *now*>
while the idiot trumpets continue to count
<Fourteen,2,3,4,Fifteen,2,3,4. . .>
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 17:25:04 -0400
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: WWII MILITARY HUMOR
THE TEN MOST FAMILIAR MILITARY
JOKES IN AMERICA
(Cont.)
Collected by Bennet A. Cerf (first printed December, 1942)
This is your Stale Wit Parade. By Actual count, these are the
ten most tired and overworked military gags in the land --told in
a variety of forms most often and for the longest period of time.
#6
A transport had been sunk and several lifeboats were cruising
about the surrounding waters picking up survivors. A completely
bald-headed sailor popped up alongside one of the boats. One of
the Irishmen manning the oars spotted him and, with a snort of
rage, brought his oar down smack on the bald man's pate. "This
is no time for fooling," he cried. "Go down and come up
straight."
#7
A slightly yellow-livered young gent from Long Island
succeeded in evading the draft by convincing the eye doctor that
he couldn't see properly ten paces ahead of him. That very night
he was seated contentedly in the very last row of the huge Radio
City Music Hall, and, to his horror, found the very same eye
doctor seated next to him eyeing him very coldly.
The young man thought fast. "Pardon me, doctor," he said with
a slight tremor in his voice. "Could you tell me if I am on the
right bus for Jamaica?"
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 01:29:27 EST
From: Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: 5 limericks <adult content & crudeness>
There was a young man of Kildare
Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
The bannister broke,
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
A young curate, just new to the cloth,
At sex was surely no sloth.
He preached masturbation
To his whole congregation,
And was washed down the aisle on the froth.
A gentle old lady I knew
Was dozing one day in her pew.
When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
She said, "Count me in!
- And as soon as the service is through!"
A progressive professor named Tinners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
They were graded and spaced
So the very debased
Would not be held back by beginners.
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 09:10:03 CET
From: Pete Plassmann <imo%lan3.kaiserslau-emh1.army.mil@KAISERSLAU-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Conspiracy humor (offensive to alt.conspiracy.jfk)
I found this quote humorous:
>Don't get me started on how the Moonies began as a mind control
operation for the CIA in conjunction with the Korean CIA - it's too long
a story, and mostly unrelated to the matter at hand.'
-Lisa Pease,
alt.conspiracy.jfk, 8/25/94
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 10:11:42 -0400
From: Warren Ferguson <aa159@SEORF.OHIOU.EDU>
Subject: Warren Beatty <adult theme>
Warren Beatty was killed in a car crash. A moment later he
appeared for judjement and was sent to hell. "We're honored to have a
celebrity with us," Satan said. "How'd you like a tour?"
"Sounds good," the movie star replied. They walked along, and
Beatty's eyes grew wide as he saw rooms filled with men sitting at tables
covered with fine wine bottles while gorgeous women sat in their laps. He
finally turned to the Devil and said, "I had no idea hell would be like this."
The Devil smiled. "Don't get the wrong idea. See those wine
bottles? They all have holes in the bottom." He paused, then continued.
"See those women? They don't!"
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 08:58:23 CDT
From: Charles Hightower <chigh@MGMSERV1.MGM.SAIC.COM>
Subject: Computer Myths (5of7)
Computer Myths Explained (Part 6 of 7)
--- written by Charles Hightower
"When the computer asks you a question and provides you with the possible
answers, you should select one of the displayed choices." - All questions
cannot be answered in simple responses. The computer should consider the
infinite range of answers available to the human mind. For example, the
question "Do you want to print the Customer Report? (Y/N)" should also
accept the answer "P", because you might Possibly want to print the report.
"When the computer asks you to press RETURN to begin a task, you should do
so when ready." - All other keys should be tried first, just to see what
happens. If pressing every key except RETURN causes no action, then call
the service bureau and relate that the computer is stuck.
"When you select to print information for a given day of the week, that
information should appear on the printer." - No, you should select a day
at random - say Thursday - and the computer will know that you really want -
say Sunday - to appear on the report.
"When given written step-by-step instructions, you should follow them closely,
as they were written for a reason." - All written instructions should be
ignored. They were written by little people who sit behind big desks and have
no idea how you run your business. You, as the liaison between your company
and the computer, should choose the steps you feel are important enough to
bother with.
"When given verbal step-by-step instructions, listen carefully, write down
the instructions, and follow them closely." - All verbal instructions should
be ignored. The technical support person only knows about computers, while
you've been battling with the computer in your business environment for at
least a couple of weeks. Choose your own path. When your path doesn't work,
relate to the service bureau that you've found a program bug. Don't mention
that you've ignored the verbal instructions, and demand that the service
bureau fix both the program and your now corrupted data.
"Before you purchase an electrical power regulator, you should first
investigate to ensure you get the right one for the job." False. All power
regulators are the same, whether they call it a 'Surge Protector' and charge
twelve dollars, or call it a 'Universal Power Supply with Backup' and charge
several hundred dollars. Everyone knows the only difference is the metal box.
Inside the big metal box is nothing more than one of those twelve dollar
models. Also note that the power regulator should control static electricity
generated by the operator, and should provide backup power to an unlimited
number of computer devices for an infinite period of time.
"When the computer generates an error message, you should report it as
quickly as possible to the service bureau." - Wrong. In doing that, you would
be wasting valuable time. You should instead write down most of the error
message and drop it into an empty tissue box. Once a month, or when you have
time, call the service bureau. You should then select an error from the box
at random, report it, and continue until the box is empty. All problems should
be resolved within a total of 3 minutes, and no excuses should be accepted for
any time delays beyond this.
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 15:24:24 +0100
From: ucgbbjb <ucgbbjb@UCL.AC.UK>
Subject: If Albert Einstein were alive today..
If Albert Einstein were alive today he would be :
Scratching at the lid of his coffin, trying to get out!
Brian
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 08:48:04 -0600
From: Lawrence Fatteicher <fatteicher@SIAST.SK.CA>
Subject: Another version of the Mood Party (off. to food, vulgar, crude)
Here is another version of the Mood Party I sent yesterday. Thanks to a
fellow subscriber to the list for this one...
-----
A guy comes into a mood party where in every room a different mood is
represneted.
They open the door of the first room where a mad man dressed in red
is running around wildly. "What mood are you?" asks the guy. "Can't
you tell... I'm red with rage" says the madman.
The guy opens the door of second room which is made up in all shades
of green where a very serious looking guy is constantly looking over
his shoulder. "Don't tell me" says the guy, "you must be green with
envy". "That's right" says the serious looking guy.
Finally he opens the door of the third room where he see's a Pakistani
guy sticking his dick in bowl of pudding. The guy thinks for a few
minutes and says, "This is the wierdest thing I've ever seen. What
mood could you possibly be?" The Pakistani just turns around and
remarks bluntly: "Cahn't you see, I'm fucking dis-custahd!"
-----
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 10:20:09 CST
From: Rowdy Welch <RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU>
Subject: Various humor
Husband: "You're as sweet as candy."
Wife (thrilled): "Am I like a Hershey's Kiss?"
Husband, after a slight pause: "Yes, you _are_ big at the bottom and
twisted at the top!"
---
Pilot on intercom: "Folks, I have good & bad news. We're lost, but
we're making excellent time!"
---
Customer: "I'll have some lamb chops and have them lean."
Waiter: "Forward or backward, sir?"
---
The applicant for the job filled out the application form and said
"No" to the question as to whether he had any dependents.
"Say, you're married, aren't you?" asked the personnel manager.
"Oh, sure," came the answer, "but my wife ain't dependable."
---
The second-grader came home from school and asked for a dollar. His
explanation: "Our principal's leaving, so we're all chipping in to
give her a little momentum."
---
Trying to determine why production had declined in a plant, an
efficiency expert asked the company's personnel director, "How many
of your employees are approaching retirement age?"
"Well," replied the personnel director, "we haven't got any going the
other way."
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 10:40:26 -0500
From: Christopher Hawk <chawk@FIREFLY.PRAIRIENET.ORG>
Subject: Army Jokes (some bad words)
What's the difference between the Army and Boy Scouts?
Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
*****
To fully understand the Army way of thinking, realize that they drive
around all day with their lights on, and when it gets dark, they turn
them off!
*****
An Army Private was standing in front of the main post gate, stirring a
bit bucket of shit. A Specialist walked by and asked what he was doing.
"I'm stirring up a Specialist," the Private replied. The Specialist was
furious, and went to tell the Platoon Sergeant.
The Platoon Sergeant came out, and demanded to know what was going on.
"I'm stirring up a Platoon Sergeant," was the reply. The Platoon
Sergeant was _livid_, and told the 1st Sergeant about it.
(For brevity's sake, go through the ranks: 1st Sgt, Lt, Cpt, Maj, Col,
etc, until the post commander, a General, comes out....)
Says the General, "Private, I suppose you're going to tell me you're
stirring up a General, eh?"
"Oh, no Sir," says the Private, "I don't have enough shit to make a General."
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 12:21:25 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Early Am almanac humor: Honeymoon night
A bridegroom, the first night he was in bed with his bride, said,
"When I solicited your chastity, if you had granted, I would not have
married you." --"Faith, I thought as much," (said the cunning lady, "
but as I had been cheated two or three times before, I was determined
not to be fool'd again!" (The Virginia and North Carolina Almanack for
1801)
Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987). Early American Almanac Humor. Bowling
Green (Ohio) State University Press.
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 10:05:59 MST
From: Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject: Smokey Bear Humor
Q: Why don't Mr. and Mrs. Smokey Bear have any children?
A: Because every time she gets hot, he hits her over the
head with a shovel and throws dirt on her.
----------------------
Phil Corless
Lost in Idaho
----------------------
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Date: Thu, 1 Sep 1994 12:47:51 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: belching, gross
9/1/94 12:50
I'm sitting at my desk, reading HUMOR, after an office luncheon.
My boss is known for his chili, the atmosphere in the office will soon be
explosive. He just yelled over to me "Hey Stone, I got a great new taste
combination for ya, chili, cantalope, and choclate chip cookie."
Me: "What, on toast?"
Boss: "No, it was almost on my desk!"
Well, maybe you had to be here.
JS
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