Digest for Friday, September 02, 1994
There are 17 messages totalling 834 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Kids on Chocolate
- Life 5.R A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Jan 90
- Baseball Players and Teachers
- West Virginian Zoo
- WWII MILITARY HUMOR (fin)
- Pilot jokes - pg
- Programming Languages 1/2
- Myths 7of7
- Why God Never Recieved Tenure From Any University
- Clinton swimming
- What will be Castros next career?
- Observation on complaints
- The only way to go...
- Cats and Gasoline
- If they were alive today...(3 of 4)
- Adult humor
- The LAST of the Light Bulb Jokes (25/25)
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 11:39:41 EST
From: BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject: Kids on Chocolate
This originally appeared in Vol.1, #4 issue of Chocolatier magazine (fall
1984). By Missouri schoolteacher Matt Harper....
During the 29 years I've been a school teacher, I've found that they can come
up with some unique ideas. Each year we study a unit on chocolate and my stu-
dents' comments on essays and exam questions have been hilarious....
"Chocolate gets blamed for many things people can't stop eating."
"Correct my being wrung [sic] but tell me true or false. Has anyone else
ever eaten chocolate in a cantalope [sic] or am I the original inventor?"
Evidently impressed with the ever-changing state of the world, one boy repor-
ted: "Hershey Pencilvania [sic] is located in the United States at the present
time." He happens to be the same student who remarked:"The history of chocolate
was first the Aztecs, then Columbus, then on to now."
History may repeat itself, but grade school children often add
some unexpected twists to it. Here are some unusual historical facts:
"Columbus took some chocolate beans to Europe in 1502. Then he did
something he'd never done before. He died."
"James Baker started making drinking chocolate in the pre-me times."
"James Baker is a famous man who lives in chocolate history."
One girl...confided: "People have enjoyed eating chocolate forever and
maybe even longer...."
[Kids are] not like adults who can reach into their lifetime stockpile of
expressions... Take these complimentary remarks, for instance:
"I have loved chocolate for as long as I can think to remember."
"Chocolate gives me joy feels all over."
"Everything would not be worth anything without chocolate."
"When I learned Mom was going to make chocolate chip cookies,
I told my feet to quiet down, but they felt too Saturday to listen."
One tyke was going great until the last word: "Chocolate drinks feel
good if your throat has orangitis." Another student had many tussles with his
spelling book. Recently, when he finished writing a sentence, the battleground
looked like this: "I like to drink hot chockel {crossed out} choka {crossed out}
chalka {crossed out} coco."
The elementary school child's mind is evidently a vast storehouse
of miscellaneous information--half true, half false and wholly beguiling.
This seems to be especially true when they relate their personal experiences:
"My brother teased me that I was interested to read about trees and
beans and other things that cause chocolate to happen."
"Hot chocolate has such velvety fingers."
A girl named Linda wrote, with the aid of a bright purple Crayola:
"I have decided chocolate is my ninth favortie thing in the universe."
Next, some definitions of chocolate. If any of them cause Webster to
turn over in his grave, he would have to do so with a smile:
"Chocolate is brown, creamy YUMS!"
"Chocolate is a many-purposed word for many dessert types."
There is usually at least an element of truth in the most absurd answer.
Sometimes they aren't wrong; it's just the way they express their thoughts
that makes their teacher smile:
"You should always capitalize the word chocolate unless it is not the
first word in a a sentence."
"When hot chocolate is poured out it makes the quietest noise I have ever hea
rd."
"Chocolate is really cocoa. But me and a lot of other people still
catch ourselves calling it chocolate."
Once I mentioned that today at least 2/3 of the world's cocoa
supply comes from the African cocoa belt. Some comments on the subject:
"The cocoa belt could just as well be called something else if we
could only think of a better name for it."
"BOO. I did not mean to scare you so bad but that is how I feel every time I
think of the people who have to go out in the wild jungle to get chocolate."
"I looked up twice where they grow cacao trees, but I forgot it three times."
If the realization that they don't know everything is the first step
to learning, these students are well on the road to knowledge:
"They make chocolate with milk in Switzerland. Maybe they make choc-
olate without milk, too. I do not know. It takes all my knowing to know they
make chocolate with milk in Switzerland."
"How they can take cacao pods and make doormats out of them is some-
thing only encyclopedias know for sure."
"Quite a bit of the world's supply of chocolate goes into making cacao trees."
"Cacao trees are interesting if you happen to be interested in them."
"It takes eight years to grow chocolate on those big tall trees.
But it takes only a little nick of time to eat it."
Just how tall do cacao trees grow?...."Cacao trees can grow 40 feet
high. That's g-r-r-e-e-a-a-t BIG! Even over ten times bigger than that."
"Cacao trees are larger than the largest known whale."
"When I learned how big chocolate trees grow, I would have fainted if I
knew how."
Oliver Wendell Holmes once observed: "Pretty much all the truth tell-
ing in the world is done by children." These next thoughts proved to be
unexpected, unconventional, and undeniably sincere:
"Chocolate has an evergreen mother and a cocoa father."
"People who eat chocolate are very interested folks. All their
ways are happy ways and excited ways."
"Oughtn't Congress to pass a law giving poor people free chocolate?
Are they thinking about it? If not I make a motion."
"Misfortunately, choklet [sic] does not agree with itself spelling-
ly and pronouncingly."
No one likes to look into the future more eagerly than children do.
Two tiny forecasters had these predictions:
"Chocolate will still be the most popular taste of all 100 years
from now. Just wait and see."
"Will we ever get to the point where people eat even more chocolate?
The chances are 999 out of a hundred."
A couple of years ago, one moppet...had a whimsical way of expressing her
thoughts. Here's how she summed up her feelings: "From now on, I will put both
gladness and wonder in my same thought about chocolate."
Me too.
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 09:13:11 PDT
From: cate3.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 5.R A collection of clean humor gathered on: 8 Jan 90
----------------------------------------------------
There's a story about Diogenes who was suppose to be looking for an
honest man, who after being in the company of lawyers was asked how
it was going. He replied "I've still got my lantern."
More information on Diogenes:
Diogenes may well have been looking for an honest man in his wanderings,
but the reason he was wandering in the first place is that he had been
ostracized for counterfeiting.
One thing that is fun to do is to find two pay phones (or just two
different phone lines) and call a friend on one of them. When he
answers start dialing his number on the other one. With call
waiting he will think (and rightly so) that he is get another call
but when he switches lines it will still be you talking to him.
If you do this right you can keep calling him on the other line
driving him crazy.
I did this to someone once and it took quite a long time before
he figured out what was going on.
"We had a doofus on our floor who was a real `sky pilot' (Jesus junkie).
He was always trying to convert everybody, lecturing about sin, etc.
Being a fundamentalist, he not only believed in The Rapture (where God
will come and zap all the good Christians straight to Heaven and leave
the riffraff), but believed that its time was near.
"Early one morning we placed carefully-arranged piles of clothes on
the hall floor as if their wearers had suddenly evaporated. We used
dry ice and incense to make a Stephen Spielberg fog in the hall, then
we blew a very loud Freon horn outside his door, threw some
nonelectric flashcubes against the wall, and screamed a lot. When he
came out, everybody acted stunned and yelled "What's going on? There
was a big light and a noise and those guys just disappeared!!
"For several minutes, we had him believing he had been left behind
with us sinners!"
I had a biology instructor that got fed-up with people stealing his
sandwiches. Oneday, he replaced the ham in his sandwich with a
preserved frog. It was the LAST of his sandwich's to be stolen.
In Cupertino, California, it is illegal to count backwards audibly in hexadecima
l.
A guy down the hall has a wooden stake in his window with a sign that
reads "BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF VAMPIRE."
After Apartheid -- The Solution for S Africa
by Frances Kendall and Leon Louw.
Country Number of Federal Budget/GNP Per Cap
registered Income
lobbyists.
US 26,000 .22 $16,449
Switzerland 0 .10 $26,309
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 10:48:04 -0600
From: Lloyd Johnston <ljohnsto@GPU.SRV.UALBERTA.CA>
Subject: Baseball Players and Teachers
Heard on Leno. I'm sure teachers and prospective teachers would like
it. 8-)
"And here in L.A., there's talk of a teachers' strike. You know, if they
ever strike, here's what they should do: The striking teachers and the
striking baseball players should switch jobs. You see, this way, the
teachers would get paid what they deserve, and the players would get paid
what they deserve."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lloyd Johnston
ljohnsto@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca
Second Year Education, "Absolutely, without a doubt, the best in B.Ed."
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 13:17:43 -0400
From: Warren Ferguson <aa159@SEORF.OHIOU.EDU>
Subject: West Virginian Zoo
What's the difference between a regular zoo and a West Virginia zoo?
The signs at the regular zoo give every species' common name and
scientific name; signs at the West Virginian zoo give the common name, the
scientific name, and the recipe.
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 14:26:09 -0400
From: JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: WWII MILITARY HUMOR (fin)
THE TEN MOST FAMILIAR MILITARY
JOKES IN AMERICA
(Conclusion)
Collected by Bennet A. Cerf (first printed December, 1942)
This is your Stale Wit Parade. By Actual count, these are the
ten most tired and overworked military gags in the land --told in
a variety of forms most often and for the longest period of time.
#8
A weary recruit was having his first day of Cavalry drill.
His brain was reeling, his hands were trembling, and another
section of his anatomy felt like a piece of raw beefsteak. The
company was charging across the field in a full gallop when the
captain suddenly cried, "Halt." The well-trained horses halted
in their tracks, but the recruit, caught by suprise, went sailing
over his horse's head and landed a dozen feet beyond in a
magnificent cactus bush.
The Commanding Officer came galloping over to him, "Who the
hell told you to dismount?" he cried.
#9
"Sir, I'll have you know I'm a West Pointer!"
"Hmph! You look more like an Irish setter to me."
#10
"This war will be over in two months," said Mr. Smith
confidently to his neighbor, as they rode downtown on the subway
together one morning.
"How do you figure that?" asked his neighbor.
"Well, sir," said Mr. Smith, "my Johnny enlisted in the Navy
yesterday and he has never held a job for over two months in his
life."
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 00:13:25 LCL
From: Don Leining <don.leininger@SYSLINK.MCS.COM>
Subject: Pilot jokes - pg
As the captain leveled the 757 off at thirty five thousand feet and
engaged the auto pilot he commented to the co-pilot "what I wouldn't
do for a a piece of ass and a cup of coffee right now."
Unfortunately he had failed to switch back from the pubic address
system to the intercom after his level off announcement and to the
astonishment of the crew members in the passenger sections they, and
all the passengers, had heard his announcement. A senior flight
stewardess immediately made her way to the cockpit (why do they
call it that, I wonder?) to advice the captain of his error before
he committed another faux pas when a little old lady in 16c tapped
her as she went by and said "honey, you forgot the coffee."
The crusty old World WAr II Polish pilot was exponding to a group
at a party about one of his many air battles. "Ya, dis fokker came
out of the sun pulled up and and did a split S to get on my tail. I
no dummy, I push the nose over and head for the deck. I look over
my shoulder and this fokker is still right with me." At this point
the host interrupted and said "for everyones information, a Fokker
was a German fighter aircraft." At which the savvy old pilot said
"ya, but this fokker was a messerschmitt."
And finally: There are old pilots and there are bold pilots
but there are no old bold pilots.
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 20:48:30 GMT+2
From: Geoffolosophy Says: <GEOFF@WWG3.UOVS.AC.ZA>
Subject: Programming Languages 1/2
PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES ARE LIKE WOMEN
by: Daniel J. Salomon Department of Computer Science, University of
Waterloo Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1
There are so many programming languages available that it can be very
difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for
you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to
them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming
languages that describes what kind of women they would be if
programming languages were women.
Assembler - A female track star who holds all the world speed records.
She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can
cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not
beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP,
INC". She has a fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of
last resort.
FORTRAN - Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her just
because she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn
from her experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime she has
acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine
libraries) That no younger women can match, so be thankful she is still
around. She has a notoriously bad temper and when angered will start
yelling and throwing dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made
grandad search for another wife.
COBOL - A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what
she says can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can't
handle really complicated jobs. She has a short and unpredictable
temper, so no one really likes working with her. She can cook meals
for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes.
BASIC - The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is
seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily available for
them. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem
amazing because it is their) first experience. She is not that young
herself, but because she was their first lover the boys always remember
her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but largely
irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion that
adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers
actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But generally
the more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced young men
by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal.
PL/I - A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and
red high heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she
just seems overweight and tacky. Tastes change.
C - A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too
talkative. Is a good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double
check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce
temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young and prone to tantrums,
but it seems that she will grow up into a fine young woman of milder
temper and more sophisticated character.
ALGOL 60 - Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned,
and sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but
your dad still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance.
He never actually tasted much of her cooking.
Pascal - A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister. Like
her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good
cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module).
Modula II - A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much
like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot.
ALGOL 68 - Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated and
terse. Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former
lovers still discuss her mysterious personality. She is very choosy
about her romances and won't take just any man as her lover. She
hasn't been seen lately, and rumor has it that she died in a fall from
an ivory tower.
LISP - She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her
hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH. Many men (mostly college students)
who have visited the farmhouse,-- enthusiastically praise the natural
food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there. Others criticize
the long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and
postfix). Although these women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do
work, their employers praise them for their imagination, but usually
not for their efficiency.
APL - A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook
delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at
each table. She doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work
down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they are in a
foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing.
LOGO - A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher
that you wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient,
but not an interesting conversationalist. She can cook up delicious
kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals.
LUCID & PROLOG - These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking
skill. They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working
solely from a description of the desired meal (declarative cooking).
Many men are fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage.
Others complain that the girls work very slowly, and that often the
description of the meal must be just as long as a recipe would be. It
is hard to predict what these girls will be like when they are fully
mature.
Ada - A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting strict
rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is quite
talkative, always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military
talk. You gotta love her though, because the army says so.
--
Never get involved with something that you can't blame on someone
else.
There is no such thing as too much sucking up.
MS-DOS is a glorified device driver.
- Whoknows@whocares
*************************
* Geoff@wwg3.uovs.ac.za *
*************************
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 14:07:08 CDT
From: Charles Hightower <chigh@MGMSERV1.MGM.SAIC.COM>
Subject: Myths 7of7
Computer Myths Explained (Part 7 of 7)
--- written by Charles Hightower
"When your hard drive becomes full, you may need to ask for assistance in
removing files you no longer need." Ha. Don't waste the expense of a long
distance phone call. Why, most word processors allow you to delete files
with the click of a mouse. Remove those in the current directory that you
no longer need. Well, as long as you're in a removing kind of mood anyway,
let's move back a directory or two and see if there's anything there we don't
need anymore. Would you just look at all those files! You don't remember
creating these documents! Obviously they were left there, wasting your hard
disk space by the inept person who installed your computer. Go ahead and
delete the whole group of them. Anyway, who in his right mind would have
created documents with stupid names like command.com or config.sys?
"When the computer displays the message 'Press any key to continue', you
should press a key and go on with your job." - Forget this. You should call
the service bureau and relate that you've looked for fifteen minutes, and that
you can't find the Any key anywhere on the keyboard.
"When the technician takes remote control of your computer through your modem,
you should pay attention and follow any directions you may receive on the
screen." - Any messages the tech may send are only for your amusement. He
does not actually expect you to follow these directions. For example, the
tech repeatedly displays the message "PICK UP THE PHONE AND TALK WITH ME".
Ignore the message. When the tech calls on another line, you should relate
that you did see the message, but could not fathom its meaning. Further you
should say one girl in your office thought it meant to pick up the phone, but
you had no idea when you should do so.
"When the technician takes remote control of your computer through your modem,
you should follow any verbal directions the technician may have given you
prior to the connection." Don't waste your time. For example, the technician
gives the instruction, "Pick up the phone if the communications light is unlit
for more than 30 seconds because that would mean the communications link was
unsuccessful." Thirty seconds? To be sure, let's wait four hours, then hang
up the line to call and complain to the technician that he's taking too long.
After discovering he was never able to connect with your computer, you should
become angry that he did not ask the phone company to short-circuit your
single-line phone so he could call and tell you he was having trouble.
Further you should reveal that you did notice the communications light was
unlit from the start, but that you were waiting for the technician to send a
message to the screen by way of the non-functional communications link.
"If you discover a problem in a particular application, you should notify the
service bureau, and ask to speak to someone in that division." - It's no fun
that way. You should ask for someone in a different division. Let's say for
example that you discover a problem in the Accounts Payable package. You
should call the support company and ask to speak with someone in, say, General
Ledger. You should go to great lengths to describe your problem in vague
terms. This will keep the technician on the line for some time before he
realizes you've asked for the wrong department.
"When the technician asks questions, answer all questions to the best of your
knowledge." - You should answer all questions in the affirmative. Then
follow-up with a question that makes the tech doubt your original answer. For
example, the technician asks, "Have you made a backup recently?" Your answer
(of course) is "Yes". Your follow-up question then might be, "What's a
backup?"
"Don't be evasive - give the technician the plain truth." - Be evasive. If
asked a yes/no question, reply with a long story that is tangent to the
question but never actually results in an answer. For example, the technician
asks, "Did you change the system date?" Your answer might start with, "We
don't normally change the system date. It's not something we do on a regular
basis, you know ..."
"Assist the remote technician by observing happenings at your workstation."
Instead, appease him by saying you will observe, then don't bother. For
example, you might say, "I just got an error on the screen in Statements with
Update." The tech asks, "Okay, what printed on the printer?" Your answer is,
"Nothing." Only after the tech repeatedly asks you to actually lean over and
look at the printout should you bother to give him that information.
"Apply good judgement for simple problems." - Call the service center for all
rhetorical questions. For example, you might ask, "I am holding two disks.
Both have exactly the same information contained on them. One always produces
disk drive error messages; the other does not. Which should I use?"
Charles
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 14:50:53 -0500
From: Nisheeth Parekh <Nisheeth.Parekh@UTMB.EDU>
Subject: Why God Never Recieved Tenure From Any University
This was sent to me from a friend who got it from a friend, who got it from a
friend, etc.
WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT ANY UNIVERSITY
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It had no references.
3. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
4. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
5. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
6. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
7. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
8. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
9. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the
subjects.
10. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
11. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
12. Some say he had his son teach the class.
13. He expelled his first two students for learning.
14. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Nisheeth Parekh
University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston
nparekh@beach.utmb.edu
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 23:49:18 EDT
From: TG436@AOL.COM
Subject: Clinton swimming
President Clinton was swimming off the beach at Martha's Vineyard one day
when he got caught in an undertow and was pulled underwater out of reach of
his bodyguards. Three boys diving in the area saw him and pulled him out of
the water to safety.
"Thank you all so much for saving me," the president said. "What can I ever
do to repay you for saving my life?"
The first boy said, "I would like to go to West Point."
"I will see that you do," Clinton replied.
The second boy said, "I would like to go to Annapolis."
"I will get on it right away," the president promised.
Then turning to the third boy, he asked, "And how can I repay you?"
"I would like to be buried in Arlington Cemetery," the boy replied.
"Arlington Cemetery! Why do you want that?"
"Well, when my father finds out I saved your life, he's gonna kill me."
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 01:27:44 EST
From: Sim Webster <WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: What will be Castro's next career? <original humor>
Here are 20 things Fidel Castro could do after he retires from being
dictator of Cuba:
1. Zookeeper for elephants at the Miami Zoo
2. Commissioner of Baseball
3. Tour guide at the Kennedy Library
4. CIA Agent
5. Press Agent for Mikhail Gorbachev
6. Director of Immigration for Argentina
7. Robert Dole's campaign manager
8. Steward for Pan American Airlines
9. Food taster for Prime Minister Rao of India
10. Assistant Professor of Economics at the University of West Florida
11. Chairman of the Board, General Motors
12. Director of Training and Development for the Medellin drug cartel
13. First U.S. Senator from the State of Cuba
14. Spokesman and Senior Model for the Cigar Promotion Board
15. Owner of a Army-Navy Surplus Store franchise
16. Pimp in Caracas
17. Employment counselor for Association of Retired Red Army Soldiers
18. Breakfast waiter at New Orleans Brennan's Restaurant
19. Abortionists at Pensacola, Florida, Women's Clinic
20. Journalist for Mad Magazine
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 07:36:44 -0500
From: Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Observation on complaints
[Note: I posted this on our local usenet newsgroup and did *not* email
it.]
Date: 1 Sep 94 16:51:08 GMT
Newsgroups: uiuc.cs.csil.ta,uiuc.cs.general
Subject: /usr/spool/mail overflow (funny observation)
There has been a lot of complaints lately about people not cleaning up
their mailboxes on the ta machines being sent to tas@cs.uiuc.edu.
You know what's funny? That the complaints were sent out on email...
8-)
Ian Chai
CS 110C TA (whose mailbox *isn't* one of the culprits...)
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 00:03:58 EDT
From: TG436@AOL.COM
Subject: The only way to go...
Three old guys were sitting around the nursing home talking about the ideal
way of leaving this world.
The first old man, age 80 said he'd like to go quickly, perhaps by crashing
in a speeding car.
The second, age 90, agreed on a speedy end too, but said he would prefer
dying in a plane crash.
"Well, that's okay for you, but I've got a better idea," said the third old
man, age 100. "I'd like to be shot by a jealous husband."
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 11:57:26 GMT+1200
From: Marvin Bruce M. Galero <MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: Cats and Gasoline <offensive to cats>
Kyle was talking to John about his cat.
Kyle : Yesterday, I got so irritated with my cat, Lester, that I
grabbed him, opened his mouth, and forced gasoline into him.
He jumped out of my arms and began to run around in circles
with his fur all standing. He was making a lot of noise for a
while. Then suddenly, he stopped and lay on his back with all
four legs sticking out.
John : (shocked) He died?
Kyle : No, he ran out of gas.
--Marvin Bruce M. Galero
A.K.A. Duncan "Griffin" Griffith
MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 04:20:36 -0700
From: Gary Watson <watson@RAHUL.NET>
Subject: If they were alive today...(3 of 4)
The San Jose Mercury-News requested readers to submit their ideas
of what certain deceased celebrities might be doing on TV if they were
alive today. Here are some of the responses.
If James Dean were alive today, he'd be:
A. playing the sexy, mysterious, misunderstood senior citizen who
rides in on his Harley and sweeps Edna Garrett off her feet in
"Facts of Life: The Next Generation".
B. modeling Guess? jeans.
C. wondering if he should have disappeared at the height of his
popularity rather than fade away after 30 years of forgettable roles.
If Mary Pickford were alive today, she'd be:
A. appearing on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" for a segment on "Women
Over 40 Who Still Look 10".
B. trying to interest Roman Polanski in directing her in the USA
network's "Pollyanna II: The Evil Commences".
C. selling calico dresses and gingham jumpers on the Home
Shopping Network.
If Will Rogers were alive today, he'd be:
A. competing with Tom Snyder for the post-"Letterman" time slot.
B. trying to talk Keith Carradine of Broadway's "Will Rogers
Follies" into teaching him a few rope tricks.
C. telling Wiley Post to take off without him so he could catch a
ride with that cute Amelia Earhart.
-Gary Watson, Los Gatos, California
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 06:49:00 PDT
From: Cox Terry 5741 <TerryC@MS70.NUWES.SEA06.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Adult humor
On the wedding night of the newly wedded royal couple, they wanted to make
sure everything was done according to proper etiquette. So she begins and
says "Sir, I offer you my honor." He replies, "I honor your offer." And
that's how it goes all night. Honor - offer. Honor - offer. Honor -
offer.
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Date: Fri, 2 Sep 1994 09:23:28 -0500
From: Tom Dixon <RTDIXON@LIFE.UAMS.EDU>
Subject: The LAST of the Light Bulb Jokes (25/25) <off to everyone>
Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50. One to screw in the lightbulb and the remaining 49 to
guard him .
Q: How many Ukrainians/survivors of a nuclear war does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A1: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light
bulbs.
A2: None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself.
Q: How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
Q: How many union workers does it tale to change a lightblulb?
A1: Four. A laborer to carry the lumber, a carpenter to build the
platform, a millwright to remove the cover and an electrician to
change the bulb!
A2: Are you kidding?
A3: 50--It's in the contract.
Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to
screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to
hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the
bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need
fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat
lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into
the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with the
yuppies.
Q: How many university students does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something
silly, and one to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to
be changed.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Read the man page!
Q: How many USENET users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on net.bulbs.d.
Q: How many valley girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they *like* it in the dark.
Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: <Ahem> We do not discuss this with ladies and children
present.
Q: How many VMM members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten to stand around
discussing what they all want to do next.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It depends on what you want them to change it into.
Q: How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (It's a very simple task, so...) None. "It's a man's job."
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3. Why 3? IT JUST DOES, OK?!!!
Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the
electrician.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Zen Masters don't need light bulbs because they carry their
own light with them.
A2: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
A3: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays
out of the way.
A4: A tree in a golden forest.
A5: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A6: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A7: None. Zen masters carry their own inner light.
SEND ADDITIONS TO RTDIXON@LIFE.UAMS.EDU OR
71764.2203@COMPUSERVE.COM
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