Digest for Saturday, September 03, 1994
There are 7 messages totalling 237 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Doctor, Doctor -- Say what?
- In the News - Political, off to Boy George, Clinton, hackers, killers
- The word "fuck"
- West Virginian Alphabet
- Unicorns/Virginity
- FW: Movie Classics
- Slightly Religious
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Date: Sat, 3 Sep 1994 10:10:07 GMT+1200
From: Marvin Bruce M. Galero <MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: Doctor, Doctor -- Say what?
Small children usually have a limited vocabulary. It's funny how they
can communicate with each other clearly, while adults would just open
their mouths in confusion. Example:
"Okay, you can ask me one more question, son," said the
exasperated father, "but make sure it's the last one."
"Well," said his son, "when a doctor gets sick and another doctor
doctors him, does the doctor doing the doctoring have to doctor the
doctor the way the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored, or
does the doctor doing the doctoring of the doctor being doctored
doctor his own way?"
I bet you will read that more than once and really slowly to get the
child's question straight.
--Marvin Bruce M. Galero
A.K.A. Duncan "Griffin" Griffith
MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH
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Date: Sat, 3 Sep 1994 02:55:30 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In the News - Political, off to Boy George, Clinton, hackers, killers
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
After a round of golf with Microsoft founder Bill Gates, actor-director
Paul Michael Glaser and Producer George Stevens, followed by dinner with
Katherine Graham of the Washington Post, President Bill Clinton told
reporters that there's nothing like a vacation to get back in touch with
the common folk.
During President Clinton's vacation at Martha's Vineyard, the Secret
Service put signs up all over the place that read, "Please DO NOT feed
the President".
An experimental car was driven from New York to San Francisco powered
only by french fry oil. The only drawback was that engineers had to stop
every thousand miles to change the ketchup.
A Georgia school teacher was disciplined because he denied students a
moment of silence. He obviously doesn't realize that kids today need
time to think..."Did I remember to bring ammo...to pick up my free
condoms...to drop off the baby at day care...?"
A British court threw out a paternity suit against Boy George. The
magistrate found the case a little odd...not to mention the defendant.
Fugitive hacker Justin Tanner Peterson was arrested Monday by the FBI in
LA on charges that included hijacking radio station phone lines to win
contests. If convicted, he faces up to 40 years in prison. When he gets
out, however, he'll have 19 Ford Festivas and more than a dozen all
expenses paid trips to Hawaii waiting for him.
What's this about Woody from Cheers going on a killing spree in Natural
Born Killers? I always figured Cliff would be the one to snap.
Bye from LA LA land....
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Date: Sat, 3 Sep 1994 19:26:00 JST
From: Paul Randolph <GEH01016@NIFTYSERVE.OR.JP>
Subject: The word "fuck"
Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language
is the word "fuck". It is one magical word. Just by its sound, you
can describe pain, displeasure, love and hate. In language, "fuck"
falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb both
intransitive (Dave fucked Ann) and transitive (Ann was fucked by Dave).
As an adverb (Ann is a good fuck), and as an adjective (Ann is fucking
beautiful). You can see there are not many words with the versatility of
"fuck". Beside the sexual meaning of the word, there are also the
following:
Goodbye -------- Fuck off.
Greetings ------ How the fuck are you?
Fraud ---------- I got fucked at the car auction.
Dismay --------- Oh, fuck it.
Trouble -------- Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression ----- Fuck you.
Difficulty ----- I don't understand the fucking job.
Displeasure ---- What the fuck is going on here?
Incompetence --- He fucks up everything.
Lost ----------- Where the fuck are we?
Retaliation ---- Up your fucking ass.
And remember General Custer's famous last words:
Where did all those fucking indians come from?
And also the last words of the mayor of Hiroshima:
What the fuck was that?
And last, but not lest, those immortal words of the captain of the Titanic:
Where is all this fucking water coming from?
Paul Randolph
Okayama, Japan
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Date: Sat, 3 Sep 1994 08:37:01 -0400
From: Warren Ferguson <aa159@SEORF.OHIOU.EDU>
Subject: West Virginian Alphabet
How do you keep a West Virginian busy?
Give him a bag of M & M's and tell him to put them in alphabetical order.
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Date: Sat, 3 Sep 1994 17:12:41 EDT
From: Adina Sobo <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Unicorns/Virginity
"Virgin Wool Over Their Eyes" By Jack Smith
From the "Los Angeles Times", Orange County Edition, Feb. 26, 1979
Presumably because of my previous work on the unicorn, I have been asked
by a reader, Corinne
Patrick of Northridge, to "clarify" a news story that appeared recently in
the Newsmakers box in page 2 of
The Times.
Written my Jennings Parrott with his usual deft brevity, the story read,
in its entirety, as follows:
"Classed were canceled at Wells College, a small school for women in New
York's Finger Lakes
region, but it wasn't because of Washington's Birthday. Cayuga Lake was
frozen, and President Sissy
Farenthold had to declare Ice Day. "It's a 100-year-old tradition that when
the lake is frozen the president
cancels classes," a school official said. "Legend has it that when the lake
freezes it means that all of the
freshman women are virgins. No one will guarantee that the legend holds
true," she admitted, and because
unicorns are incredibly difficult to find, the freshmen could not be put to
the test. "But at least," the
official said with assurance, "I can tell you the lake is frozen.""
Unfortunately, reader Patrick doesn't say what it is she doesn't
understand in the story, which seems to
me to be quite clear. I can only guess that she is not familiar with one of
the unique idiosyncrasies of
unicorns, and therefore is baffled by the statement that "because unicorns
are incredibly difficult to find,
the freshmen could not be put to the test."
Certainly we can clear that up. Because he is such an elusive beast
there is a dearth of uniform
knowledge about the unicorn; but scholars are generally agreed to one point
at least -- the unicorns'
peculiar weakness for virgin women.*
If the legend is true that the lake freezes over when all the freshmen
are virgins, then it seems
inescapable that unicorns would be found in the neighborhood. Since the lake
did freeze, but no unicorns
appeared, we must draw one of two conclusions: Either the legend is not
true, and the freshmen are not
virgins, or it is a bad year for unicorns in the vicinity of New York's
Finger Lakes.
Unicorns come and go like other creatures, I suppose, depending on the
supply of tender shoots and
virgins; right here on Mt. Washington we will have an abundance of coyotes
one hear and not a sight or
sound of them the next.
I doubt there are no unicorns at all in rural New York State. Note that
Peter S. Beagle dedicates "The
Last Unicorn" as follows: "To the memory of Dr. Olfert Dapper, who saw a
wild unicorn in the Maine
woods in 1673, and for Robert Nathan, who has seen one or two in Los
Angeles."
So the unicorn has been present in America for at least 300 years. But
of course he has always been an
endangered species, just as the virgin has. Perhaps it is this common
vulnerability that draws them
together.
Whether the legend of Cayuga Lake is true, we can not say on present
evidence. It is a pretty legend,
but not unique. I have heard it said that all the freshman women at UCLA
will be virgins, too, when hell
freezes over.
I hope I am here to see it, but by that time, I suppose, I'll be there.
* Five paragraphs on the Unicorn myth as reported by Willy Ley in "Exotic
Zoology" are here deleted in
the interests of brevity -- if you're interested, please e-mail me directly
(AdinaS@aol.com) and I'll send you the full text.
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Date: Sat, 3 Sep 1994 15:31:00 PDT
From: Larson, Mark <larsonm@CSS.ORST.EDU>
Subject: FW: Movie Classics
Seen on a computer list...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Ladies and Gentlemen, call your agents...
Story of Germany's little-known WWII submarine computer support staff: DOS
Boot
An animated Disney feature about Mickey's wild bachelor years: Mouse Pad
A coming of age film about high school athletes looking for dates: Trac Ball
"How to Lie With Statistics" goes multimedia: SAS, Lies, and Videotape
Russian twin medics: Paradox Zhivago
-Mark
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Date: Sat, 3 Sep 1994 21:39:15 -0700
From: Tom Welbers <twelbers@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Slightly Religious
A young business owner was opening a new branch office, and a
friend decided to send a floral arrangement for the grand opening.
When the friend arrived at the opening, he was appalled to find
that his wreath bore the inscription: "Rest in peace."
Angry, he complained to the florist. After apologizing, the
florist said, "Look at it this way--somewhere somewone was buried today under
a wreath that said, 'Good luck in your new location.'"
tom
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