Digest for Monday, September 05, 1994
There are 14 messages totalling 773 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Missing
- Gate of heaven
- Silly
- Lemon poem (Off to .... artificial lemon makers?)
- Returned mail: Host unknown (Name server: uga.
- Clintons Socialism
- From Cyber Sleaze 09-02-94
- Renewal of your subscription to the HUMOR list (fwd)
- Canonical List of Pranks v2.0
- But what did he *really* want?
- abstract joke
- Early Am almanac humor: Navy jokes (2)
- Re: abstract joke
- Humor from actual court cases
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 10:29:15 GMT+1200
From: Marvin Bruce M. Galero <MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: Missing
A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all
his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.
Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but
finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and
cried:
"Why, Daddy, where's Mommy?"
From Best Jokes: Humor, Wit, Jests.
--Marvin Bruce M. Galero
A.K.A. Duncan "Griffin" Griffith
MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 16:22:02 +1000
From: Maricel Mata Abraham <RAKY@MUSIC.MACARTHUR.UWS.EDU.AU>
Subject: Gate of heaven <risque>
One day St. Peter, guarding the gates of heaven, saw 3 nuns
approaching. He told them, "To get into heaven, you must each
answer one question I give to you."
He asked the first nun, "What was the name of the first man
God created?" The nun replied, "This is easy. His name was Adam."
Then bright lights came on, the angels sang, and the gates opened.
He then asked the second nun, "What was the name of the first
woman God ever created?" The nun replied, "Eve." Then bright lights
came on, the angels sang, and the gates of heaven opened.
St. Peter then turned to the last nun. He asked, "What were
the first words Eve ever said to Adam?" The last nun, looking
really puzzled, replied, "Ohh, that is a hard one." Then bright
lights came on, the angels sang, and the gates opened.
++++++
P.S. ...he he he...
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 09:58:23 +0100
From: Elroy Bos {elroy.bos@alg.vlk.wau.nl} <Elroy.Bos@ALG.VLK.WAU.NL>
Subject: Silly
A man was walking through the forest when he saw a man sitting on a branch of
a tree, holding his hands in a steering position and going: 'Broem broem
broem'. The man was confused, but walked on. In the next tree, another man
was sitting going 'Broem broem broem'. He walked on, until he saw a man in a
tree, who was not doing 'Broem broem broem'. The man asked 'Aren't you doing
broem ?' 'No', the man in the tree replied, 'why should I ?'. 'Well, some
trees back I saw two men sitting on branches going broem broem.' 'What ? Are
they that close ? Broem Broem broem'.
'Stop this sketch. This is getting too silly. Nobody likes a good laugh more
than I do. Except perhaps my wife... and our friends.. and Captain Jones.
Come to think of it, everybody likes a good laugh more than I do.. But that's
beside the point'
Elroy - (Bye)
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 06:45:30 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: Lemon poem (Off to .... artificial lemon makers?)
This came from the LA Times and was writen by Rex Knowles
There is something wrong with the world
Very, very wrong, I think
When there is real lemon in my furniture polish
And artificial lemon in my drink
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 09:01:39 -0400
From: Warren Ferguson <aa159@SEORF.OHIOU.EDU>
Subject: Returned mail: Host unknown (Name server: uga.
Forwarded message:
> From daemon Mon Sep 5 09:00:03 1994
> Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 09:00:03 -0400
> From: Mail Delivery Subsystem <MAILER-DAEMON@seorf.ohiou.edu>
> Subject: Returned mail: Host unknown (Name server: uga.cc.uga.ed: host not fo
und)
> Message-Id: <199409051300.JAA11705@ra.cs.ohiou.edu>
> To: aa159@seorf.ohiou.edu
> MIME-Version: 1.0
> Content-Type: multipart/mixed; boundary="JAA11705.778770003/ra.cs.ohiou.edu"
>
> This is a MIME-encapsulated message
>
> --JAA11705.778770003/ra.cs.ohiou.edu
>
> The original message was received at Mon, 5 Sep 1994 09:00:02 -0400
> from aa159@localhost
>
> ----- The following addresses had delivery problems -----
> humor@uga.cc.uga.ed (unrecoverable error)
>
> ----- Transcript of session follows -----
> 501 humor@uga.cc.uga.ed... 550 Host unknown (Name server: uga.cc.uga.ed: host
not found)
>
> ----- Original message follows -----
>
> --JAA11705.778770003/ra.cs.ohiou.edu
> Content-Type: message/rfc822
>
> Return-Path: aa159
> Received: (from aa159@localhost) by ra.cs.ohiou.edu (8.6.7/8.6.6) id JAA11703
for humor@uga.cc.uga.ed; Mon, 5 Sep 1994 09:00:02 -0400
> From: Warren Ferguson <aa159>
> Message-Id: <199409051300.JAA11703@ra.cs.ohiou.edu>
> Subject: West Virginian Politics
> To: humor@uga.cc.uga.ed
> Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 09:00:01 -0400 (EDT)
> X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL22]
> Content-Type: text
> Content-Length: 808
>
> Governor Caperton of West Virginia appointed his friend Stash to
> be the new state treasurer. Just before he was to introduce Stash to the
> West Virginia State Assembly, he said, "Stash, all you have to do is remember
> one thing. Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Got that?"
> Stash, rather nervous mumbled, "Two plus two is four. Two plus two
> is four," as they entered the Statehouse. The Governor began to speak,
> introducing his new treasurer. "And to show you how qualified he is," the
> Governor added, "I am going to ask him question. Stash, how much is two
> plus two?"
> Stash stood, his face tortured by hard thought, sweat appearing on
> his brow. Finally, after five minutes, he stammered, "Four."
> His answer produced a moment of dead silence. Then a voice rang
> out, "Give him another chance!"
>
>
> --JAA11705.778770003/ra.cs.ohiou.edu--
>
>
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 09:12:10 -0400
From: Warren Ferguson <aa159@SEORF.OHIOU.EDU>
Subject: Clinton's Socialism
How has the Clinton Administration shown its sensitivity to the problems
of welfare recipients?
It's now legal to use food stamps to buy crack.
p.s. I apologize for the earlier screwup on the returned mail. I
accidentally hit the wrong key and mailed it instead of deleting it.
Warren
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 09:24:16 EST
From: Ron Barak <barak.uneca@UN.ORG>
Subject: From Cyber Sleaze 09-02-94
* THE QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"If she's pregnant, that's my kid." MICHAEL JACKSON's new
wife LISA MARIE PRESLEY's former husband DANNY
KEOUGH on her possible pregnancy.
* Singer JANET JACKSON ws disappointed by the judging at a recent
Janet Jackson lookalike contest.
The star though it would be fun to enter the event herself at a Los Angeles,
California, gay bar.
But she lost.
She protested to judges but a bewigged master of ceremonies ordered her
to shut up.
She insisted she was the real thing but was told, "Sure you are honey. And
I'm ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. Now get off stage."
Cyber Sleaze is copyright 1994 by CurryCo ltd. Some copyrights are of
The World Entertainment News Network. (c) 1994 All rights reserved.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 09:21:09 -0600
From: Lloyd Johnston <ljohnsto@GPU.SRV.UALBERTA.CA>
Subject: Renewal of your subscription to the HUMOR list (fwd)
// JOB
CONFIRM HUMOR
// EOJ
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 17:45:46 GMT+2
From: Geoffolosophy Says: <GEOFF@WWG3.UOVS.AC.ZA>
Subject: Canonical List of Pranks v2.0
Canonical List of Pranks
Compiled by Stacy Behrens (sjb3@lehigh.edu)
Version 2.0
This is a list of pranks and practical jokes of all sorts. The
contributors are listed at the bottom. I take no responsibility for anyone
getting in any trouble or causing any harm to anyone due to anything listed
here. If you have a good prank and it isn't listed here, mail it to me and
I'll see about adding it to the list. I'm not necissarily interested in
funny stories unless there is a prank that can be described in a fairly
short paragraph contained within. The pranks on this list range from
harmless to the downright cruel since the idea is to have a list to cover
all occasions. I had a version 3.0 but it got lost during some formatting and
will be out as soon as I get enough new jokes to justify a new version.
-Rigged Door
-Mail
-Camping
-Showering
-Toilet
-Food & Resturant
-Dorm Room
-Body
-Classroom
-Tape & Movie
-Miscellaneous
-Computer
-Phone
-Appliance
-Sleeping
-Pyrotechnical
-Vehicle
as well as the list of contributors
-----Rigged Door Pranks------------
-Balance a nearly full bucket of water against someone's door at night.
When they open it the next morning it will fall and flood their room.
-Remove someone's doorknob and reinstall it with the lock on the inside.
Works best if the victim is in the room and the door is locked and you have
his/her keys.
-If the door is metal and has a metal frame, weld the person into (or out
of) their room. Can be done to the hinges as well if there is no metal
door.
-Steal a person's door. Leave a trail of clue's as to where to find it.
Have them running all over the place trying to find it and have them end up
somewhere near where they started. (like in the next room)
-Jam so many pennies between the door and the door frame that the person
cannot turn the doorknob to get out. Even better if the pennies are
superglued in place to prevent removal. Also you may wish to put vaseline
on the inside doorknob to prevent them from being able to turn the knob.
-Place "Bang-Snaps" in precarious positions on a door so that they will
drop and explode when the door is opened. (such as balanced on the
doorknob)
-Brick up the entrances to a building at night before anyone arrives.
-----Mail Pranks-------------------
-Send in subscriptions to embarasing magazines in the victim's name. Make
sure to check "Bill Me".
-Get change of address cards from the post office and change the victim's
address to someplace like Guam.
-----Camping Pranks----------------
-Bury someone's hatchet or ax in a tree about 20 feet off the ground and in
plain sight.
-Snipe Hunts. 'Nuff Said.
-Spray someone's tent with some aerosol based bug spray. This will erode
the waterproofing of the tent.
-----Showering Pranks--------------
-Urinate in a person's shampoo.
-Put Nair or some other hair removal chemical in a person's shampoo or
conditioner. You may need to distract the person for a moment to let the
stuff take a better hold.
-Fill the shower head with dry temper paint, onion salt, easter egg pellets
or the like.
-Flush toilets while a person showers. The more toilets the better.
-Swipe a person's cloths while they are showering. Put them in an
embarasing place such as the showers for people of the opposite sex.
-----Toilet Pranks-----------------
-Place clear cellophane over the toilet bowl but under the seat. Works
best at parties where a large percentage of the people are drunk.
-Flush waterproofed cherry bombs or M-80's down public toilets.
Explosives in Port-O-Potty's can be fun too.
-Place vasilene (or some other reasonably clear gel) on the seat at night.
Listen for the screams. ICY-HOT or Atomic Balm are even better. Also put
the stuff on the toilet paper.
-Shoe Polish of the appropriate color on the seat.
-----Food & Resturant Pranks-------------------
-Convice the person that they have eaten a piece of food that has been
soiled by some bodily function. Have fake "evidence" (or real evidence if
you really are cruel) to back up your claim such as pictures.
-Give your name as Pupupu to a maitre-de. When he calls you to your table
you will hear, "Pu-pu-pu Party of four...".
-Freeze glasses to trays in the cafeteria. This can be accomplished by
smearing the bottom of the glass with honey and sticking it firmly to the
tray. Next fill the glass with ice, water and salt to lower the
temperature. After a few minutes the honey should be frozen to both the
tray and the glass.
-Glue glasses in a cafeteria to the bottom of a table.
-Dribble glass. Need I say more?
-Put pure crystallized caffine in someone's coffee pot. This will make
expresso look like milk.
-Get some of the tracer pills that turn urine blue (or some other
interesting color) Crush and slip it into some food. The victim will be
peeing blue for 2-3 days afterwards though the pills themselves are just
dye and are completely harmless.
-Bake brownies or cookies and substitute Ex-Lax for part of the chocolate.
Use some chocolate to keep the taste right.
-Rig the lid of salt shakers to fail when used, resulting in a veritable
salt lick on the victim's food.
-----Dorm Room Pranks------------
-Fill an accordian folder with shaving cream, insert under someone's door
and stomp on it which will send large amounts of shaving cream into their
room withought ever opening the door. Also can be done with a fine powder
(Talcum powder works nicely) in a bag with a hole in the bottom. Slip the
open end under the door, stick a hair dryer in the hole and the room gets a
nice sugar coating.
-Take a dump into a small cup and place it in the most hard-to-find/get-at
place in someone's room. They'll tear their room apart looking for the
smell.
-Place raw eggs under the person's pillow or comforter or somewhere else
that is bulky enough that the eggs won't be noticed until after they have
been crushed. This is lots of fun to clean up after...
-Fill a person's room while they are out with massive quantities of
crumpled up newspaper. This takes a fair bit of planning, a lot of paper
and a small room but can have good results.
-Remove doors on your hall and swap them with other doors from around the
hall.
-Cover a person's door with butcher paper and fill the space between the
door and the wall with confetti, peanuts, etc.
-Attach a remote control to the fire alarm in a room and set it off from a
safe distance. Watch the victim(s) panic. When the panic subsides, do it
again. And again. And... well you get the picture.
-----Body Pranks--------
-Hold a magnifying glass over someone who is sunbathing. Be prepared to
run shortly after you do this.
-Place Icy-Hot, Atomic Balm or the like in someone's jock or underwear.
Warning! This results in screaming in the most macho of guys.
-Wave microwaved mayonaise under the nose of a person who is drunk and
feeling queasy. Alternately start asking questions such as "Would you like
a cold greasy pork chop? How about an earthworm omlette?..."
-----Classroom Pranks--------------
-Sucker freshmen into walking too close to an active Van-De-Graff
generator.
-Superglue EVERYTHING in a classroom down. Chairs, chalk, books, whatever.
Don't be choosy.
-When a teacher leaves the room, have everyone turn every desk and chair
upside down. When the teacher returns be sitting on your chairs working as
if nothing had happened.
-When dissecting animals, take the liver (or some other brown organ) and
place it in the instructor's coffee. Place parts from your dissection in
various places around a caffeteria salad bar.
-----Tapes & Movie Pranks----------
-Crack open someone's audio cassettes and flip the tape over so that what
comes out is pure gibberish.
-Rent porn tapes from the video store and record something like Barney or
the Wizard of Oz over them. Just imagine the next person who gets them.
-----Miscellaneous Pranks----------
-When you see several folks relaxing in a hot tub, throw ice cubes into the
tub. They'll wonder who's throwing stuff at them, but the cubes melt
almost instantly leaving no evidence or clues as to who is doing it.
-Release large numbers of pigeons into a gymnasium or lecture hall.
Young pigs in the hallway are good too. Even better if they (pigeons or
pigs) have been fed laxatives.
-Hire a stripper to appear in a high traffic area, such as a cafeteria
during peak hours.
-Fill several vending machines in a high traffic area with condoms and beer
cans.
-Put every single chair from a large building in one room. The smaller the
room the better. Also good near the entrance to a building.
-Fill someone's umbrella with confetti, wait until a rainy day and enjoy.
-Leave insect egg cases/clusters in innacessable areas.
-Errect a large paper mache penis on school grounds in a very public place.
Write messages on it for added effect.
-Hide pornographic pictures (the nastier the better) in places where
someone who is very easily offended or embaressed will find them quite
unexpectedly. Even better if there are numerous amounts of small pictures
hidden in obscure places that will still be found even years later.
-Hand the principal/headmaster some small item when getting your diploma.
Marbles, balloons, condoms, coins etc. Works best if everyone does it.
-----Computer Pranks---------------
-Change the prompt on someones computer to be black on black. This is
rather cruel if the person is computer illiterate. Very effective the day
before a big project is due.
-It is possible to play sounds remotely on some workstations. (Sun
SparcStations for instance) You can have all kinds of fun playing sounds
like flushing toilets and other unusual sounds. Works best if the person
is a relative newbie.
-Run a XXX-GIF slide show on the overhead computer projectors found in many
computer rooms and large lecture halls. Very effective if done before a
large class. You may wish to superglue the drive doors shut as well as all
the relevant power switches in the "on" position and the power cables to
the wall and hide the keyboard.
-Write a small program that prints "Formatting C:" and starts printing a
series of dots at intervals afterwards. Simulate disk access by
contiuously creating and deleting an empty text file.
-Write a daemon that sends each individual page of a print job to a
different printer on the network. Select the printer at random.
-Convert a XXX image to a bitmap and make it someone's OS/2 or Windows
backround. You can also change the backround of someone's X-Windows
session remotely as well as make picture appear and they can't stop you.
(use XV or a similar program)
-Reverse the turbo switch so that the machine runs fast when it should run
slow and slow when it should be fast.
-If they haven't changed the default password for their BIOS, change it
yourself and lock them out of their machine.
-----Phone Pranks----------------
-Coat the reciever of someone's phone with shoe polish and then give them a
call. Instant gratification. Make sure you match the colors of the polish
and the phone. Small amounts of shaving cream work too.
-Glue the victim's reciever down, and then start making lots of calls to
the victim.
-----Appliance Pranks------------
-Wrap an *extremely* fine gauge wire several turns around each prong of the
power cord of some plug in appliance with a single strand going between the
two prongs. The current coming out of a wall is sufficent that the wire
will instantly and completely vaporize the wire and will result in a
startling flash. This one leaves no evidence and will make the person
terrified to plug the appliance back in. WARNING: this is VERY dangerous
if too large a gauge of wire is used.
-Purchase a "universal TV remote" from a place like Radio Shack. When
walking by public TVs, such as those in a dorm lounge, change the channel
without giving anyone any idea you are doing it.
-Take a transciever like the ones ham radio operators use (3 watts or
more is good) and push transmit while near a TV. Will have the effect of
semi-scrambling whatever is showing. Them more powerful the transceiver,
the more the TV signal gets messed up. This does work on cable TV.
-Leave toothpast on the underside of light switches and doorknobs.
-Use appliance timers to detonate stereo equipment at high volume.
-Leave a copier to print 99 copies at 33% resolution on 8x14 paper.
-Leave someone's furniture in a 99% disassembled state. Repeat as
necissary.
-----Sleeping Pranks-------------
-Fasten someone to their bed with numerous bungi cords.
-Bury someone several feet deep in wet unrolled toilet paper.
-Place the sleeping person's hand in a bowl of lukewarm water. Will
fequently cause bed wetting.
-Shave parts of a person while they are passed out drunk. Be creative. Do
things such as half a mustache, one eyebrow, etc.
-Draw in permenant marker all sorts of messages on the skin of a person who
has passed out drunk. Messages should include things like "[insert name of
another person you dislike] was here" with a big arrow pointing to the
person's rear end.
-Print a message in lipstick on someone's chest. (such as "Thank You")
Works best after a night where they really got drunk and may not remember
what they were doing the night before.
-Sprinkle Sand or Jello Mix or the like in the person's bed.
-----Pyrotechnical Pranks----------
-Burn a hole in someone's newly paved asphalt driveway using thermite.
-Place industrial strength smoke grenades (the sort that will fill up
entire buildings) in obscure places in a public building. Also good in
someone's car or truck.
-Coat a black toilet seat with a *very* thin layer of nitrogen tri-iodide.
NTI is an easy to make contact explosive that will leave a purple stain on
their rear. Do not use very much or you will hurt the victim.
-----Vehicle Pranks----------------
-Place an old beat up vehicle near the entrance to a school building.
Remove the wheels and fill it with cement. Nearly impossible to remove.
-Cut an old wreck in half and weld it together around a flagpole.
-Dissassemble an old car and reassemble it on top of a building or in the
main lobby of the building.
-Fill someone's car or truck top to bottom with snow. (You'll need a
shovel most likely)
-Place a dead fish in an area of the engine that is hard to get to and that
will get hot. Jammed under the radiator is just about perfect. After a
couple of days the smell just becomes unbearable.
Thanks go out to the following people for their contributions to this list:
-James Frye (frye@lars.acc.stolaf.edu)
-Gary Meyers (dbsgrm@arco.com)
-Clay (clays@wam.umd.edu)
-Jonathan Tracy Osborn (jonnio@fox.WPI.EDU)
-Mac (jb013c@uhura.cc.rochester.edu)
-Don Schneider (dondo@holonet.net)
-Jan Chojnacki (janc@icebox.iceonline.com)
-T.C. Freres (tf2a+@andrew.cmu.edu)
-June Peckingham (junep@bu.edu)
-John Collin (jcollin@phakt.usc.edu)
-Idris H Hsi (idris@isye.gatech.edu)
-James York (york843@mach1.wlu.ca)
-Jeff Kroll (darkmage@ecst.csuchico.edu)
-Suraklin (darkmage@ecst.csuchico.edu)
-Rich Boehme (vballer@chop.isca.uiowa.edu)
-Barry Gold (barry.gold@SanDiegoCA.ncr.com)
-Howard Richards (hir@cix.compulink.co.uk)
-Dallen Christiansen (dchriste@uvsc.edu)
and a special thanks goes to:
-Alan R. Meiss (ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu)
for numerous contributions to this list.
--
Never get involved with something that you can't blame on someone
else.
There is no such thing as too much sucking up.
MS-DOS is a glorified device driver.
- Whoknows@whocares
*************************
* Geoff@wwg3.uovs.ac.za *
*************************
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 18:58:07 -0500
From: Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Subject: But what did he *really* want?
From: Paul Robinson <PAUL@TDR.COM>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company, Silver Spring, MD USA
-----
On Thu, 9 Jun 1994 09:06:00 JST, Paul Randolph
<GEH01016@NIFTYSERVE.OR.JP> Asked the following to the Humor
List:
> I was wondering if whomever posted the joke about the
> guy who kept one hand in his pants would be kind enough
> to send it to my mailbox.
Did you want someone to send you the pants, his hand or the
joke?
(Rim Shot, please.)
(PS: Since the automatic fortune cookie is funny I'm leaving it in.)
---
Paul Robinson - Paul@TDR.COM
Voted "Largest Polluter of the (IETF) list" by Randy Bush <randy@psg.com>
-----
The following Automatic Fortune Cookie was selected only for this message:
JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
by Mark Isaak
Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.
So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
"I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window ...
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 19:57:44 EST
From: Clarity Hands <CLEAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: abstract joke
Let's say you're walking down the street, and all five wheels of your canoe
fall off. How many ice cream cones can you fit in a dog house?
None! Elephants don't have bones in their ears!
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 21:35:56 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Early Am almanac humor: Navy jokes (2)
A lieutenant, having deserted his post in the late naval
engagement, at one time lay flat on the deck in all the agonies
of fear.--Such a circumstance, it is in the recollection of many,
occurred in the war before last. The surgeon observed, told the
sailors that the Lieutenant was mortally wounded, ordered them to
throw him overboard. The culprit struggled stupidly against the
sentence and declared himself unhurt. The tars asked him gravely,
"whether he should know better than the surgeon?" and executed
their directions, to a letter! (The United States' Almanac for
1797)
A sea officer, who, for his courage in a former engagement, where
he had lost his leg, had been preferred to the command of a good
ship; in the heat of the next engagement, a cannon ball took off
his wooden deputy, so that he fell upon the deck; a seaman,
thinking he had been fresh wounded, called out for a surgeon.
"No, no," said the captain, "the carpenter will do." (The
Kentucky Almanac for 17976)
Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early
American Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 22:08:05 -0500
From: Matt Loach <LOAC9687@SPLAVA.CC.PLATTSBURGH.EDU>
Subject: Re: abstract joke
>Date: Mon, 05 Sep 1994 19:57:44 -0500 (EST)
>From: Clarity Hands <CLEAN%USCN.BITNET@uga.cc.uga.edu>
>
>Let's say you're walking down the street, and all five wheels of your canoe
>fall off. How many ice cream cones can you fit in a dog house?
>
>None! Elephants don't have bones in their ears!
This is all well and good, but....
"If a man-and-a-half can build a house-and-a-half in a day-and-a-half,
how long does it take a one-legged monkey to kick all the seeds out of
a dill pickle?"
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# Matthew Loach [Haz-Mat] "Have wrench, will travel." #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
# GT d- -p+ c+ m+ s+/++ g+++ w+ x+ #
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Mon, 5 Sep 1994 23:28:45 -0500
From: Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Humor from actual court cases
----------------------------------------------------
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
P: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
D: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
----------------------------------------------------
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer
with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had
never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously
injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a
broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all
banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under
the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better
in my life.
=========================================================================
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index