Digest for Saturday, October 01, 1994
There are 8 messages totalling 458 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- The airplane
- Lifes Little Truths (Pt 24)
- More OJ Jokes
- Humor: Trust in God
- Franglais humor
- Abraham & teenagers; The word from the farm on Sparcs
- Automobiles vs. Pedestrians (WARNING: 113 Lines Long)
- Engineering Logic
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Date: Sun, 2 Oct 1994 09:32:51 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: The airplane
This story is about an airplane factory that have built a new model.
When they tried the prototype on its first flight his wings broke apart.
The engineers of the company had tried to figure out what the problem was
but none of the recommended solutions had yielded a better outcome since
time after time the wings developed cracks and broke in the same place.
Desperately they have decided to accept solutions provided by people who
don't work at the company. Engineers from all over the country came with
different ideas but the wings kept on breaking.
One day came an old man that said:
- If you know the location of those cracks exactly, go there and punch
many holes along that place.
- You must be crazy, said the engineers, it'll only make it prone to cracks.
- Don't argue, said the old man, just go there and do it.
Unwillingly and out of desperation they've decided to listen to his
advice, and believe it or not, this time the wings remained intact. The
engineers were amazed and asked that man how he has come to this solution.
- Well, you see, said the man, I have this toilet paper at home and it never
tears along the holes.
ariel
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Date: Sun, 2 Oct 1994 13:33:54 E
From: Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Life's Little Truths (Pt 24)
The well-known statement of Murphy's Law--"If something can go wrong, it
will"--turns out to be a corruption of its original formulation: "If there's
a wrong way to do a thing, somebody will find it and do it that way." (see
SCIENCE 83, Jan.-Feb.l983, p. 78) One of my favorite sourcebooks on this subject is
Paul Dickson's THE OFFICIAL RULES, with its sequel THE OFFICIAL
EXPLANATIONS. I quote from "Gilb's Laws of Reliability":
(1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
(2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
(3) The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the fool will
attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front.
(4) A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity, until the
resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.
(5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to their
inherent unreliability.
(6) The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system serve as a
key to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle.
(7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which by definition are finite.
(8) All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise which is
impossible.
(9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable
cost of errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work done.
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Date: Sun, 2 Oct 1994 15:03:03 EDT
From: Anthony Bivens <Muenchener@AOL.COM>
Subject: More OJ Jokes <some vulg.>
Here are some more OJ jokes. Some are pretty old, so sorry if you heard 'em
already.
* New Hertz ad to read: A Killer of a deal!
* Hertz will keep OJ as a spokesperson for the new weekend getaway
* If they electrocute OJ Simpson will that mean he's really getting the
Juice?
* What was Mrs. Simpson's last words?
Stop it, OJ, it Hertz
* Why won't Prison be different than football for OJ?
Big black guys will still open holes for him
* Why does the Juice have trouble in interrogations?
He can't concentrate
* What was the first thing OJ did when he got to prison?
Mike Tyson
* What is OJ Simpson's favorite tool company?
Black & Decker
* Did you here about the new CLUE game?
Every time you play it, the outcome is the same-OJ in the DRIVEWAY with the
KNIFE
* How many OJs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, it's okay, he can kill his wife in the dark
* OJ got a new endorsement contract today...SLICE SODA
* I heard OJ's chauffeur asked if he'd mind if he was late, OJ said it's OK
with me but I gotta ax my wife
* There once was a jealous man they called Juice,
Who was so sure his wife was on the loose;
He caught her embraced, and severed her face,
Now he's a wife with a jealous man on his caboose!
* What's LA's favorite soft drink?
OJ in the can
* Bumper sticker-silhouette of a man with a gun to his head-caption-OJ on
Board
* OJ leads the NFL in double homicides by a running back
* OJ now comes with 1000% more calcium ........you'll need it for those
broken bones
* What did OJ say when he kicked the door down and body slammed his ex?
Love Hertz, don't it baby
* Hey, remember how OJ switched lawyers? Well now he's switching
doctors...to doctor Kevorkian
* Heard how to make the new drink....a Bloody Nicole?
Add Gin, Coke and Boilin' OJ
* Have you hid in a Ford lately?
* Headline after the execution-OJ GETS THE JUICE
* What do Nicole Simpson and a Pez dispenser have in common?
Their heads both snap back
* Did you guys hear about the special death penalty in CA for OJ?
Its called the juiceamatic
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Date: Sun, 2 Oct 1994 17:28:19 EST
From: Clarity Hands <CLEAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Humor: Trust in God
A man accidentally fell down a cliff. Halfway down, he managed to
catch himself onto a branch that's sticking out. Hoping someone could
save him, he screamed, "Is there anyone up there?"
A voice from above replied, "Yes, but do you trust me?"
The man said, "Definitely, I will do anything you ask of me."
The voice from above then siad, "Let go."
The man hesitated a second and screamed, "Is there anyone ELSE up
there?"
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Date: Sun, 2 Oct 1994 17:44:02 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Franglais humor
PARIS (AP) April 94-- In its endless guerrilla war against
Franglais, the government has armed itself with a new dictionary
containing 3,500 translations aimed at ``user-friendliness.'' Oops,
make that ``convivialite.''
From ``airbag'' (sac gonflable) to ``zoning'' (zonage), the glossy
red handbook seeks to counter the ever-wider use of English in
business, sports and science by providing French alternatives.
It remains to be seen whether the new terms, some of them long and
clumsy, will catch on in a nation struggling with itself over how to
be modern, high-tech and cool, yet preserve its rich linguistic
tradition.
The Dictionnaire des Termes Officiels contains translations
mandated by government ministries since France started fighting
Franglais in the early 1970s. This year's edition adds about 100
new terms and has an English-to-French index. It also is available
on Minitel, the telephone company's widely used screen-and-keyboard
console.
``The idea is to be more accessible,'' said Anne Magnant, head
of the French Language Delegation, which prepared the 462-page
paperback.
``The dictionary must be used by public officials,'' she said,
and ``we hope professionals, students and teachers will use it.''
Words that do not catch on will be dropped from future editions,
Magnant said.
Premier Edouard Balladur is trying to push a bill through
Parliament that would toughen the language laws. During a debate in
April, one Socialist senator ridiculed it as ``a Maginot Line.''
With annual revisions, the new dictionary can react more quickly
to language changes than the multivolume lexicon published every
few decades by the Academie Francaise.
New listings include ``navetteur'' for commuter,
``ravitaillement'' for catering, ``essaimage'' for spinoff,
``numero d'urgence'' for hotline and ``telemercatique'' for
telemarketing.
Other terms, such as ``disque compact'' (CD), ``furtivite''
(stealth), and ``remue-meninges'' (brainstorming) have yet to
achieve general use.
While ``balladeur'' has replaced Walkman, French TV showed an
electronics salesman who didn't know what ''presonorisation'' was
until the interviewer said ``playback.''
``We find it a bit ridiculous,'' said Bill, a deejay (animateur)
on Fun Radio, a rock station that tangled with the government over
a sex-oriented talk show for young people.
```Hit Parade' exists since I was born, so `palmares' would be
difficult,'' he said.
Bill, 25, who refused to give his real French name and shatter
the mystery of his radio moniker (pronounced ``Beel''), said he was
more open to the dictionary's French-spelling adaptations of
English words.
``We use those in French -- tuiteur, boomeur -- that's OK,'' he
said, referring to the tweeters and woofers in stereo speakers.
``French is a very beautiful language. But using all those words in
Franglais has become habit.''
Americans say ``a la mode'' without fear of prosecution, though
some who are upset by the onslaught of Spanish want a law making
English the official language. ``Toochay,'' one might say.
The new French language law would not and could not outlaw
street Franglais, like ``Je suis destroy'' for ``I'm wiped out.''
It would require advertising and officially sanctioned
conferences to use approved translations. State-owned agencies,
media and other companies, as well as official documents, already
are required to avoid English terms.
Most troubling to many officials is the increasing use of English
in technical fields. Leading scientific publications are in English,
and executives say they must use English terms in business.
``The financial culture is mainly traditionally Anglo-Saxon,''
said Jacques Charbit, spokesman for the Banque Nationale de Paris,
but acknowledged the need for French equivalents.
``It's also a question of habit,'' he said. ``People who said `debt
equity futures' are now used to saying `contrats a terme.' ''
One English word that remains, Charbit said, is ``swap.'' It takes
too long to say ``echange financier.''
``As much as possible, they make us speak French,'' said Michel
Nico, spokesman for the state-owned computer company Groupe Bull.
``But in computers, there's a whole jargon that comes in American.''
``In our meetings, we speak of `le soft' (software),'' he said,
even though the dictionary says ``logiciel.''
Where English terms will die hard is in sports.
``I think they're probably going to bomb my apartment,'' said
George Eddy, a native of Orlando, Fla., who has become a popular
play-by-play announcer for basketball and other sports on the private
Canal Plus television network.
``If they've been using `tie-breaker' for years, it's going to be
hard to start using `jeu decisif,''' said Eddy, 37.
``Obviously I think it's stupid when you have to replace something
with three or four words. And you can't tell kids how to speak. They
create their own language.''
Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
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Date: Sun, 2 Oct 1994 19:31:37 -0500
From: Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Abraham & teenagers; The word from the farm on Sparcs
Do you know why God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac at age 12?
Because at 13 it would no longer be a sacrifice.
----------------------------------------------------
November 8, 1990
YOU CAN'T FOOL 'EM DOWN ON THE FARM!
Real Americans talk About Why They Chose the Sun
SPARCstation 2000 (tm)
"Wow - with a workstation that powerful, I could get twice as
much milking done."
- Mrs. Elaine Noose, Scumwater, Oklahoma
"Out here on the farm, you really learn to appreciate the value
of good graphics resolution."
- Ted Lumplin, Brat's Head, Nebraska
"After we lost most of our cattle stock to pellegra, our barn
burned down. After that, Joe got himself caught in the thresher
and lost most of his body hair. Then the banks foreclosed. It
sure was a comfort to know that we had 28 MIPs of power to see us
through hard times."
- Darrell LaQuench, Pine Agony, Maine
"I believe that Virtual Quilting, using high-speed networking
services, will be the wave of the future."
- Mrs. Jane Dobrynin, Fleughh, Utah
"Last week we had a fella from Digital come out and look at the
soybean crop. After 20 minutes, Ma chased him off and threw his
keyboard out the window. We`re from old Norwegian stock, and we
know a thing or two about bus controllers."
- Buck Flange, Arkansas, Texas
Why has the SPARCstation 2000 caught the imagination of the Amer-
ican working man and working woman like no other computer in its
class? Maybe it's the extra features, like the padded Corinthean
leather screen, or the safety air bag that inflates when the
typing buffer gets too full. Maybe it's the tradition of honest
service and free doughnuts. Then again, maybe not.
Sun Microsystems. A Step Ahead of Your Cows.
------------------------------
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Date: Sun, 2 Oct 1994 20:06:54 EDT
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Automobiles vs. Pedestrians (WARNING: 113 Lines Long)
-- [ From: Keith E. Sullivan * EMC.Ver #2.01P ] --
AN ARGUMENT IN FAVOR OF AUTOMOBILES VS. PEDESTRIANS
by
P.J. O'Rourke
We often hear automobiles criticized. Safety experts say they are
dangerous. Ecologists tell us they pollute the air. Economists claim
cars are responsible for U.S. trade deficits and high energy costs.
Social Scientists blame them for the deterioration of our inner cities.
And aesthetes damn them for roadside blight. But even if all these
accusations are true, the automobile is still an improvement on its
principal alternative, the pedestrian.
Pedestrians are easily damaged. Try this test: Hit a pedestrian with
a car. Now have the pedestrian hit the car back. Then roll a pedestrian
and a car through four inches of slush and road salt at sixty miles an
hour. Take a coin-operated gun and hose off their undersides. Which is
in better shape? Also, most automobiles have 5 MPH bumpers. But a
pedestrian cannot be run into a wall at even 3 MPH (approximately
walking speed) without getting a bloody nose. And pedestrians are
notoriously expensive to repair.
Automobiles are cleaner than pedestrians. Even diesel exhaust smells
better than a dirty human. Pedestrians wiggle and squeal when you try
to scrub them, and they are hard to wax. A dented and rusty automobile
is still more attractive than the average pedestrian. Strip a car of
its paint. Strip a person of his clothes. Which looks worse in broad
daylight?
Cars last a hundred thousand miles or so. Just try to take anybody
that far on foot.
Pedestrians are slow, require complex maintenance procedures and
have bewildering fuel requirements.
There are no quality-control or safety standards for pedestrians.
And if the anti-abortion lobby gets its way, we won't even be able to
recall them.
Most of the time you can predict what an automobile will do. And if
you loose control of an automobile you can jump out of it. But
pedestrians are completely unpredictable. And when you're a pedestrian
it's difficult to jump out of yourself.
Not only are automobiles better than people in most respects but
people behave better when they are in automobiles than they do when
they are on foot. A great big crowd of people in automobiles is a
traffic jam. It's unpleasant, yes--horns honk, tempers flare, etc. But
a great big crowd of people OUT of automobiles is a mob. And that's
worse. No traffic jam ever stormed the Winter Palace, cheered a
lynching or voted Adolf Hitler into power.
Most good things can be experienced in a car--eating, sleeping, sex,
listening to Handel's WATER MUSIC. But the experience of evil is
severely limited. Think how much less evil Central America would have
experienced if, for example, all the Sandinistas had been in cars. They
would have been stuck in the jungle, axle-deep in mud, and would never
have been able to enslave peasants, kill contras or get any Russian
weapons into El Salvador.
It's hard for people to mug you from inside an automobile, and
virtually impossible for them to rob your apartment without getting out
of the car.
People on foot are more likely not only to steal, but to litter. The
normal business suit has no convenient place, such as a backseat floor,
to toss candy wrappers, old newspapers and empty beer cans.
When people are in a car driving down the road it's hard to hear
them lie, complain, argue and spread malicious gossip--especially if
you're in your own car headed the other way.
Consider how much better the United Nations Assembly would be if all
the delegates were speeding around the Assembly floor in old junkers
having a figure-eight race and smashing into each other. It would be
more interesting for everybody, and the intellectual quality of debate
would be greatly improved. The same goes double for Congress.
True, some trouble, such as drive-by shootings and fatal crashes,
can be caused in an automobile. But often it's just a pedestrian who
gets killed. And though drunk drivers are a menace, drunk parents are a
worse one. They do more damage to society stumbling around the house
than anybody ever did in a head-on collision.
All children should be given a car as soon as they are old enough to
wash it and vacuum the seats. Owning and caring for an automobile
builds good citizenship. Children can learn a great deal by watching
their automobile and following its example. Automobiles are democratic.
A Plymouth Velvedere is more than a match for a Lamborghini is a six-
car pile-up. Automobiles are egalitarian, as anybody who's ever drag
raced a Bently in an old Mustang knows.
Automobiles are strangers to sexism. You can't possible say that a
car's place is in the kitchen. And there's never been any such thing as
distaff automobiles that couldn't vote or Chinese wire-wheel binding.
Automobiles have no unfortunate allegorical connotations. A man on
horseback is a symbol of authoritarianism. But a man on a car roof is
just silly.
There are no religious controversies among automobiles. Automobiles
belong to no race and have no political opinions (though a Trabant, if
it could, would probably wish it had been designed by somebody other
than a drunk communist).
Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas
about where to have dinner. They are literally, selfless. A world
designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets,
larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous
subway stations.
Indeed, we would lead better lives and be a wiser nation if we
placed the automobile, instead of our own ambitions and greed, at the
center of our society. This should be taken into consideration the next
time we amend our Constitution:
ARTICLE I: Congress shall make no law respecting the establishment of a
boring old 55 MPH speed limit; or prohibiting the free exercise of
performance cars on empty winding roads; or abridging the freedom to
cruise around aimlessly; or the right of the people to remove those
annoying voice boxes that tell you to buckle your seat belt.
ARTICLE II: Contented Yahoos being necessary for the amusement of a
free state, the right of Texans (and people who act like Texans) to
drive around with guns in the gunracks of their pick-up trucks and
shoot varmits and critters out the window shall not be infringed.
ARTICLE III: No driver's education student or School Safety Patrol
member shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house if he won't
shovel the driveway.
ARTICLE IV: The right of the people to be secure in their cars, trucks,
vans and RVs against unreasonable nosiness shall not be violated, and
no policemen with flashlights or irate parents shall come poking around
country lanes or scenic overlooks while couples are parked and necking.
ARTICLE V: Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines
imposed, nor cruel and unusual wisecracks by local traffic cops made
just because somebody forgot to get their car inspected or was going 38
in a 35 MPH zone.
And so on. It would give us a federal charter that really has
something to do with our day-to-day lives. And it would keep our
legislators and Supreme Court busy with important things instead of
school prayer and covert CIA antics. Plus--and this is very important--
parking would be an unalienable right.
From GIVE WAR A CHANCE Copyright (c) 1992 by P.J. O'Rourke
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Date: Sun, 2 Oct 1994 21:52:12 -0500
From: Bruce Olson <Bruce.A.Olson@CYBER.WIDENER.EDU>
Subject: Engineering Logic
Several years ago, when there was a scare about terrorists planting bombs on pla
nes, an engineer who traveled a great deal became concerned over the probatility
of there being a bomb on one of the planes when he was flying. Being the metho
dical sort, he calculated the probability using the number of flights he took, a
nd the percentage of flights on which there was a bomb. He found that there was
a small, but still frightening probability that someday he would be flying on a
plane some day that had a bomb on board. He worried and thought about the prob
lem for a while, and finally came up with a solution.
He calculated the probability of being on a plane which had two bombs on board,
and found that the likelyhood of this was practically non-existent. So, he made
his own bomb, and took it with him whenever he traveled by air.
bruce
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