Digest for Sunday, October 02, 1994
There are 19 messages totalling 655 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
.
- Lincoln humor + weekly traffic report
- cigarette - a description
- humorous ads #4
-
-
- Does God exist? (vulgar, offensive to religious)
- Humor: Talking in an open-plan office...
-
- Old ladies joke, Old mans advice, & cats philosophy :-)
- OJ (sorry if youve heard it)
- BLONDE AND OTHER OFF. WOMYN JOKES
- A few clean jokes.
- Clean Blonde Jokes
- To continue, press CTRL+ALT+DEL (squeaky-clean)
- A true optimist - offensive to Denverites!
- The tale of a certain Somebody...
- In the News-Political, off to OJ, Ted Kennedy, Bobbitt, Etc, Etc, Etc
- Early Am almanac humor: Lawyers & liars
- Wherefore, its confusing...
.
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 00:12:35 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Lincoln humor + weekly traffic report
Dear HUMOR members:
This is a traffic report for the HUMOR list. Contributors receive a
report each week, so they can gauge the amount of traffic. Once a
month I send this report to the readers. Contributors agree to
support the list goal of a maximum daily average of 20.0 posts. For
the last four months HUMOR has averaged 16.4 posts per day. Contri-
butors give a clear subject label and a sensitivity warning when there
is possible offense.
To become a contributor you should first request the *Contributor's
Guide* by sending the command GET HUMOR GUIDE to the LISTSERV@
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send me your numbered answers to a questionnaire (one of which
includes an opportunity to present a bit of humor--testing your
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three times a week.
If you receive HUMOR at a commercial, military, or government site,
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Much of HUMORs recent gains in readership has been because of the
positive response from teachers of English as a second language.
Several TESL members have joined the list. They have suggested that
some of their better students join the list. I very much want HUMOR to
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compose humor in a non-English language to include along with an
English version the non-English version of the humor. When there is a
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speakers, please provide a brief footnote to explain.
Here is the current weekly traffic report:
Traffic Report for HUMOR, 25 September-1 October
(Number of articles posted each day)
4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last
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Here is some Lincoln humor via Carl Sandburg
A fuddy-duddy judge corrected Lincoln's pronunciation of the word
"lien" as "lean" saying it should be as "lion." In a minute or two
Lincoln again pronounced the word his way, and again being corrected
apologized, "As ;you please, your honor." And slipping again and the
judge again correcting, he replied, "If my client had known there was
a *lion* on his form he wouldn't have stayed there long enough to
bring this suit."
----
When the <Illinois State> Supreme Court, made up of three judges, all
from Onedia County, New York, ruled against Lincoln so he lost his
case, he was asked by S.T. Logan, "How did you like the decision?" and
answered, "It's all that can be expected from a Oneida (one-idea)
court."
----
"If three pigeons sit on a fence and you shoot and kill one of them,
how many will be left?" he asked. The answer was, "Two, of course." To
which Lincoln responded, "No, there won't, for the other two will fly
away."
----
And it was told that once when Lincoln heard a farmer bragging too big
about the size of a hay crop that year, Lincoln said that he had once
helped to raise hay one year, and when it came harvest time, "We
stacked all we could outdoors, and then we put the rest of it in the
barn." On a paper written by a lawyer, with too many words and pages,
he remarked, "It's like the lazy preacher that used to write long
sermons, and the explanation was, he got to writin' and was too lazy
to stop."
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 10:44:30 +0500
From: Dr.P.Vyasa_Murthy <vm110@SATYAM.JVNC.NET>
Subject: cigarette - a description
Cigarette
---------
A Descriptive Definition of the well known cigarette is given below:
One of the well known definitions is :
A fire at one end, a fool at the other, with some tobacco in between.
Now let us see a descriptive one:
1) It is a long thing with a red end, which goes between two flaps of
skin - usually covered with hair.
2) They come in different sizes
3) They are long to begin with, but grow short with usage
4) They call for some amount of sucking and puffing
5) After having had one, you feel like having one more,
after some time
6) You can use it standing, sitting, sleeping
7) You normally don't use it in the presence of elders
8) They emit odours unacceptable to others
9) When you use it, pulse rate shoots up and breathing
related problems follow, though temporarily you are in a state of
intoxication.
10) It is the ' IN-thing' of the modern times and youngsters
want to show off in the presence of girls!
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 00:03:00 PDT
From: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU>
Subject: humorous ads #4
CLASSIC ADS 4: MISCELLANEOUS
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced
and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Ears pierced - while you wait!
No matter what your topcoat is made of,
this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
Have several very old dresses
from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
This is the model home for your future.
It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery.
We do it carefully by hand.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last
Stock up and save. Limit: one
We build bodies that last a lifetime
See ladies blouses. 50% Off!
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress,
but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
Thanks to Gary Guibor
Jack Kolb
IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 12:05:53 IST
From: Gil Kenny <kennyg@SMTPLINK.INDIGO.CO.IL>
Subject: <No subject given>
Text item: Text_1
get log00086
get log00085
get log00084
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 12:05:54 IST
From: Gil Kenny <kennyg@SMTPLINK.INDIGO.CO.IL>
Subject: <No subject given>
Text item: Text_1
get humor log00087
get humor log00086
get humor log00085
get humor log00084
get humor log00083
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 12:55:58 MET
From: Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject: Does God exist? (vulgar, offensive to religious)
Dialogue from a film (its title is difficult to translate, something like
"Legacy, or Ohshitguysbwenosdeeus":
Persons:
- village bloke (VB}
- distinguished lady (DL)
VB: Do you believe in God?
DL: No, I don't.
VB: Why, then.
DL: Nobody has seen him. There is no evidence.
VB: That's no proof. I haven't seen your cunt either and yet I believe
you have one.
--
Jan Kucera: kuc@fce.vutbr.cz
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 10:27:40 -0400
From: Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Talking in an open-plan office...
Keeping A High Profile in the Open Plan Office
(Another one from the archives...)
Never write a note or memo if you can phone or visit instead - everyone
wants to talk whenever you're ready.
Don't sit down to talk - the accounstic are better the higher you are,
and remember that most people are a bit deaf so SPEAK UP.
Try to talk with _at least_ three people between you and your listener,
so that they don't feel left out.
The very best place for a conversation is in the corridor, beside someone
else's desk. If the corridor is full, try leaning against their
cupboard or hanging over their screen.
Never warn people of your approach by knocking on their desk or cupboard.
People love surprises, especially if they're busy.
The best time to disturb someone is when they look thoughtful or are
concentrating. It's your _duty_ to give them a break now and again.
To make sure that _you_ get regular breaks, never use a "Do No Disturb"
sign. When other people use them they're only joking.
Always hold meetings around a desk. If you book a conference room
everyone will think you've got something to hide.
If the phone isn't answered after four rings, hang on. _Someone_ will
answer it eventually, and they might like a chat, too.
Never divert calls if you're leaving your desk. Your telephone could
get into bad habits.
Try to whistle, hum or tap your fingers while you work. It is a comfort
to others to know that you're still there.
If you have to design the office layout, remember to leave lots of wide-open
spaces so that we can see and hear each other right across the floor.
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 10:09:47 -0500
From: Shelia Morgan <sfmorgan@COMP.UARK.EDU>
Subject: <No subject given>
I am looking for something called a Purity Test, if anyone has a copy of
this could you please send me one. My address is "sfmorgan@comp.uark.edu"
And here are some WONDERFUL jokes for you all to enjoy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman ways to a Martian, "Do you smoke after sex?"
The Martian thinks for a moment, then says, "I don't
know. I never looked."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A traveling salesman goes to a farm. As he drives up
the road to the farmhouse he sees a pig with a wooden leg in
the yard. When the salesman gets to the house and meets the
farmer, he asks him, "Say, what's the story behind that pig
with the wooden leg?"
"Funny you should mention it," says the farmer, "but
that pig is the greatest pig I have ever had. One time I
was doing the chores in the barn when I happened to doze
off. Suddnely the barn caught fire.
"This pig," says the farmer, his eyes welling up with
tears, "broke out of his pen, came into the burning barn,
nudged me awake, and pulled me to safety. He saved my
life!"
"Yes, I understand," says the salesman. "That's
wonderful, but that still doesn't explain to me why the pig
has a wooden leg."
"Well," says the farmer, "a special pig like that you
don't eat all at once!"
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 11:20:27 EST
From: Clarity Hands <CLEAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Old ladies joke, Old man's advice, & cat's philosophy :-)
Three old friends were sitting about one afternoon just chatting and
chatting.
After several hours one of them said, "Goodness, I've been sitting so
long I dare say my behind has gone to sleep."
Her friends looked at each other and one of them said, "We know, we
could hear it snoring."
----
Here is some advice which an elderly shared with me: When you get be
an old man never waste a hard-on, even if you're by yourself, and
never trust a fart.
----
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY CAT
* Life is hard and then you nap.
* Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours
* Variety is the spice of life: One day ignore people, the next day
annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
* Climb your way to the top -- that's why the drapes are there.
* Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face.
* Make your mark in the world -- or at least spray in each corner.
* When you go out into the world, always remember, being placed on a
pedestal is a right, not a privilege.
* Make love loudly and have your babies quietly.
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 08:25:00 PDT
From: Larson, Mark <larsonm@CSS.ORST.EDU>
Subject: OJ (sorry if you've heard it)
Do you know what Michael Jackson said to OJ?
Don't worry I'll take care of the kids!
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 11:07:11 EST
From: B.ANDERSEN <BANDERS1@HR.HOUSE.GOV>
Subject: BLONDE AND OTHER OFF. WOMYN JOKES
How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
She opens the car door.
What does a blonde say mid-way through sex?
Are you guys all on the same team.
Why do women have bodies?
To keep their cunts alive.
Why do blondes wear panties?
To keep their ankles warm.
Why do blondes wear big looped earings?
To have some place to put their feet during sex.
Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room.
What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
An interpreter.
What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
Have another beer.
Who do you send in against a terrorist?
A woman with PMS.
Why will there never be a woman president?
Because there would be a World War every 28 days.
How many guys does it take to mop a floor?
None. It's a woman's job.
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?
Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 12:04:52 -0400
From: Sheldon Cheney <scheney@NALUSDA.GOV>
Subject: A few clean jokes.
Sailor 1: Did you hear the captain got married, then his wife ran away
with another man?
Sailor 2: Yeah, he took her for a mate but she was a skipper.
---------------
Customer: "Hey! Waiter, hey!"
Waiter: "O.K. but we'll have to send out for it."
---------------
Customer: "This food it terrible. I want to speak to the manager."
Waiter: "I'm sorry, sir, but he's out to lunch right now."
---------------
An English professor took a walk in New York's Central park. He saw
several housewives sitting on a bench while their small childern ran
around in the park. (Keep in mind a common New York/Long Island accent.)
One woman called out to her child, "Shelly! Come here!" The professor
stopped and said to the woman, "How lovely! All the things people name
children these days, it's nice to see a child named after a classical poet
like Shelly." The woman looked at the professor and asked, "Shelly
Temple's a poet?" [Especially for foreigners - Shirley Temple was a
famous child movie star]
-----------------
Did you hear about the farmer who called his pig "Ink?" That was just
his pen name.
----------------
What did the baby chick say when his mother laid an orange instead of a
egg? "Oh, look at the orange marmalade."
[]<>[]<>[]
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 10:34:31 -0400
From: Brian Cyr <S29208%MOTHER@UTRCGW.UTC.COM>
Subject: Clean Blonde Jokes <off. to Blondes>
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a lightbulb?
A: The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
Q: Did you hear about the new form of Birth Control for Blondes?
A: They take off their makeup.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 16:11:25 LCL
From: Robert Bragner <robertb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: To continue, press CTRL+ALT+DEL (squeaky-clean)
My Internet address was recently changed because my old was was so unreliable.
It was SO unreliable that I don't know if any of my previous postings ever
made it out. If this one did, would someone please let me know?
A Cyberspace friend of mine here in Istanbul who teaches
computer science to junior high-school students related the
following (real) occurrence in one of his classes. It was the
early days of the school year and he was describing the machines
(PCs) to the kids in general terms. As he was explaining
keyboard functions he pointed out that if the computer ever got
locked up (he demonstrated a lock-up) you could regain control
of the machine by pressing CTRL-ALT-DEL simultaneously
(demonstrating that, too). Some of the kids objected that their
hands were too small and that they weren't quick enough to hit
all three keys at once. As the teacher began explaining and
demonstrating that all you needed to do was hold down CTRL+ALT
with one hand and press DEL with the other, his eye happened on
a boy in the front row: He had the index finger of his left hand
on the left CTRL key, the index figure of his right hand on the
right ALT key and after searching for the DEL key for about five
or ten seconds, he paused for a moment as if thinking what to do
next and then calmly pressed it with his nose...
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 17:41:41 -0400
From: Bob Hawkey - Dont worry - Be Happy! };^> <kcdhawk@KODAK.COM>
Subject: A true optimist - offensive to Denverites!
What is the definition of a TRUE optimist???
Someone waiting at the Denver International Airport for the winning Super Bowl
champions to come home!
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 19:00:22 -0600
From: DAVID HASELTINE <HASELTDK@CTRVAX.VANDERBILT.EDU>
Subject: The tale of a certain Somebody...
Living in an apartment with three other guys this year has taught all of us
to deal with problems in a peculiar way. Since all four of us have busy
and different schedules, we rarely see each other and had to develop a
way of communicating gripes about the state of the apartment. Being
non-accusatory people, we began referring to those who needed to do
certain jobs as "Somebody". For example, (in a terribly threatening
voice with the word "somebody" emphasized), "_Somebody_ needs to take out
the trash" and "_Somebody_ needs to clean up the dishes that have been
sitting in the sink for a week with macaroni and cheese all over them".
We also have a large message board attached to one wall, on which each
of our names is listed for messages, to-do-lists, etc. One half of
the board now bears the heading "SOMEBODY" - under which, in parenthesis,
is written the sub-heading "the scapegoat of our disdain". Various
messages have appeared under this heading, along the lines of "Somebody needs
to recycle", "Somebody needs to close the doors so bugs don't infest the
apartment" and "Somebody needs to remember to wipe the toilet seat". And,
recently, "Somebody needs to pray for Bill Clinton."
During a recent bad week of exams in which all of us were stressed and grumpy,
"somebody" messages appeared at a rate of around 10 a day. Most of them were
directed at one unfortunate roommate, who soon became fed up with all the
accusatory reminders pointed at him. So, in a fit of rage, he grabbed a large
red marker and wrote on the board in capital letters:
"SOMEBODY NEEDS TO SMILE ONCE IN A WHILE!"
--D. Haseltine
--"Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling."
(M. Runbeck)
--HASELTDK@ctrvax.vanderbilt.edu
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Date: Sat, 1 Oct 1994 02:16:58 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In the News-Political, off to OJ, Ted Kennedy, Bobbitt, Etc, Etc, Etc
For those of you who like these, I'm back! It's been a hectic week and I
need a laugh:
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times (various authors - some edited)
OJ Simpson's lawyers are trying to decide whether to let him testify in
his upcoming trial. The jury will be able to tell if he's lying or
telling the truth: they've seen him in those "Naked Gun" movies...they
know he can't act. On his frequent in-court whispering to attorney
Robert Shapiro, who generally just nods: I figured out what's going on.
OJ is asking him, "Is this line of questioning going to cost me extra?"
Judge Lance Ito is still furious with KNBC for repeatedly saying DNA
tests have proven that Nicole Brown Simpson's blood was found on OJ's
footwear. If I were Ito, I'd tell Tracie Savage to put a sock in it. As
for the 45 foot scaffolding networks erected outside the courtroom,
Ito is praying for another earthquake.
Prospective jurists for the OJ Simpson trial may survive preliminary
questioning, but the toughest phase still lies ahead - the swimsuit
competition.
Jimmy Carter's promise of amnesty to Haitian Generals have the White
House concerned. "We don't care what Carter promised. If President
Clinton wanted to grant pardons, he would have sent Gerald Ford."
American Airlines has announced cutting 3,600 jobs. Employees say they
don't like the callous, careless way they were informed. They say
they're being treated like luggage.
David Bloch, best known in the film world as the author of the Novel
"Psycho", died last week. In lieu of funeral services, friends and
family plan to hold a shower.
Senator Ted Kennedy, during his tough reelection campaign, has
challenged his opponent to tour the state for a series of debates, and
said "I'LL DRIVE!"
John Wayne Bobbitt has expressed the desire to get back together with
his ex-wife Lorena. Actually, PART of him wants to get back
together...part of him doesn't.
Sunday, October 2 marks the 44th anniversary of the "Peanuts" comic
strip. You'd never know it from reading the cartoon...except for Charlie
Brown's occasional concerns about his prostrate.
October is also National Depression Education and Awareness Month, which
coincides with National Stay Off Window Ledges Month.
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 23:35:36 EST
From: Tommy Hughes <HUE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Early Am almanac humor: Lawyers & liars
A grave old country blade coming before a judge and taking his
oath on a cause, he was bid to have a care what he swore to, lest
he went to the devil. "I fear not that," replied he, by way of
retort, "for I have given him my oldest son, and he ought to be
content with one out of a family." "How's that?" says the judge;
"Pray explain yourself." "Why, truly, I have made him a lawyer,
and you know the devil was a lawyer from the beginning." "A liar,
you mean," says the other. "I know not," replied he, "what
distinction there may be in town, but I am sure, by sad
experience, we in the country know no difference between a lawyer
and a liar." (The Farmer's Almanack for 1797)
Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early
American Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 22:53:50 -0500
From: Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Wherefore, it's confusing...
From "Reporter's Notebook" By the Champaign-Urbana News-Gazette (10/3/94)
Will the real Sheri Lyn Woller please stand up?
To tell the truth, two might rise if the question were asked out loud
at the Thomas, Mamer and Haughey law firm in Champaign.
You see, Sheri Lyn Woller works there as a legal secretary. So does
Cheri Lynn Woller.
Does it get a little confusing?
"Only if the receptionist doesn't get a clear indication of who the
call is for," said Sheri. "I think I got her husband one time."
Neither Woller was born under that name. Sheri Huff man married Mike
Woller three years ago. Cheri Green married Mike's third cousin, Brian
Woller, in May.
Sheri, 24, of Royal has worked for the law firm since 1990, and Cheri,
22, of St. Joseph has worked there since 1992. But the connections go
much further back.
Both women went to St. Joseph-Ogden High School, and both went to
Parkland College's legal secretaries training program. When Cheri was
completing the program, Sheri helped her get an internship at Thomas,
Mamer and Haughey.
Sheri is expecting a baby. That made for confusion when Cheri got
married in May; some people assumed Cheri was the pregnant one.
Pity the poor members of the Champaign County Legal Secretaries
Association. Sheri was elected president of the association this fall,
and Cheri was elected treasurer.
--DON DODSON
Reporter's Notebook is a weekly column of odds and ends,
oddities and ironies collected by News-Gazette staffers.
The column appears on Mondays.
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