Digest for Monday, October 03, 1994
There are 11 messages totalling 352 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- humorous ads #5
- Host and Fleas (non-offensive)
- if a woodchuck could.....tongue twisters..
- Religious humor (clean and relatively non-offensive)
- COOKIE DOUGH VS MEN (MILDLY SEXUAL)
- Joke about people who own dogs
- What am I? (off to dirty minds)
- micro humor
- The Cross-eyed Barber (fwd)
- Expressive insults Pt. 1
- Tallest
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Date: Mon, 3 Oct 1994 23:53:00 PDT
From: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU>
Subject: humorous ads #5
CLASSIC ADS 5: MISCELLANEOUS
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?
Come here first!
For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made
into a table, potty chair, rocking horse,
refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port,
sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost
sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for
the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299
For rest or fore play.
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to
lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook
with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size,
unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine
and adjust tension in your home for $1.
RADIO SPOTS:
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini
for a ridiculous figure.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink
in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p
after.
Tune in next week for another series of classical
music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping
Castration.
Illiterate? Write for free information.
Thanks to Gary Guibor
Jack Kolb
IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
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Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 06:38:36 E
From: Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Host and Fleas (non-offensive)
This was forwarded to me from a good friend. From whence it came I
do not know.. enjoy
============================
Natalie, You're gonna loooove this! Yesterday the beginning OT and DP
students were working in cooperative learning groups on an assignment
related to telecommunications terminology. Our esteemed collegue was
being *very* helpful. One group had trouble understanding the concept of
a _host computer_ so Sharon was her usual Johnny-on-the-spot self to give
them an analogy they could relate to. After her initial efforts at
explanation failed she had a brainstorm! Following is roughly the
conversation:
Sharon: Do you have a dog or cat?
Students: Yes
Sharon: You know they sometimes get fleas?
Students: Yes
Sharon: If an animal has fleas, which is the host?
Students: (Cue light bulb) The Dog!
Sharon: Right! Now in our case, who is the host?
Students: Vanderbilt!
Sharon: And we are....
Students: the FLEAS!
I can just picture in my mind, the CTRVAX scratching its "fleas"--that
must be what keeps kicking us out of the system! Can't you just picture it?
The students of course, understood perfectly after Sharon's explanation.
I love my job!
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Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 08:11:19 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: if a woodchuck could.....tongue twisters..
We all knew part of this as kids, but I never knew the whole thing.....
If a woodchuck could chuck wood,
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck,
If a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,
If a woodchuck could chuck wood.
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Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining
managing an imaginary menagerie?
Ned Nott was shot and Sam shott was not.
So it is better to be Shott than Nott.
Some say Nott was not shot.
But Shott says he shot Nott.
Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot,
or Nott was shot.
If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.
But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, then Shott was shot,
not Nott.
However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott, but Not.
"A Twister of Twists, A Tangler of tongues"
Alvin Schwartz
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Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 09:00:48 -0500
From: Wendell E Gragg <wgragg@TENET.EDU>
Subject: Religious humor (clean and relatively non-offensive)
From "The Potluck Hall of Fame";
Top Ten Reasons Churches Don't Ask Clown Ministries to Return
10. They force people to smile during the 8 am service.
9. It's hard to say with dignity, "The sermon today will be given by
Brother Umpa-Doody."
8. Whoopee cushions inevitably appear under the pew cushions.
7. Sermons take a lot longer when they are in pantomime.
6. Clowns wearing blue curly wigs might be confused with elderly women.
5. Many denominations do not recognize seltzer water baptism.
4. Dribble glasses might be used during the communion service.
3. They have to pay janitors extra to get silly string off the ceiling.
2. The junior highers pop their balloons during closing prayer.
1. They realize they have enough clowns working there already.
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Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 13:40:13 EST
From: B.ANDERSEN <BANDERS1@HR.HOUSE.GOV>
Subject: COOKIE DOUGH VS MEN (MILDLY SEXUAL)
Reasons Why Cookie Dough Is Better Than Men
1 It's enjoyable hard or soft
2 It makes a mess too, but it tastes better
3 It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it
4 You always want to swallow
5 It won't complain if you share it with friends
6 It's "quick and convenient"
7 You can enjoy it more than once
8 It comes already protectively wrapped
9 You can make it as large as you want
10 If you don't finish it you can save it for later
11 It's easier to get the kind you want
12 You can comparison shop
13 It's easier to find in a grocery store
14 You can put it away when you've had enough
15 You know yours has never been eaten before
16 It won't complain if you chew on it
17 It comes chocolate flavored
18 You always know when to get rid of it
19 You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed
20 It's always ready to go
21 won't get arrested if you eat it in public
22 You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed
23 It won't wake you up because it's hard
24 You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it
25 You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without
sounding like you're bragging
26 It won't take up room in your bed
27 It's easy to pick up
28 You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around
29 You know what the extra weight is from
30 It won't get jealous if you pick up another one
31 It never has an insecurity problem with its size
32 It is very pliable
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Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 14:06:45 EST
From: Kathleen Williams <WILLIA3@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Joke about people who own dogs
August Strindberg said: "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are
cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
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Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 15:23:47 EDT
From: Robert M. Adams <RADAMS%System%Manager@HERCULES.NSWSES.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: What am I? (off to dirty minds)
************************************************************
What AM I ???
This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long.
The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It
is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant
action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end
and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost
always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a
warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out
again and again many times in succession, often quickly and
accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found
listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing
sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When
finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky
white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the
outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening
shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing
liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely
hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action,
hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice of three times
a day, but often much less.
WHAT AM I ???????
As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is
none other than your very own..........TOOTHBRUSH
Thanks to Bill Sier of Writers list
******************************************************************
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Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 22:24:06 -0400
From: Jefferson Slattery <aa039@SEORF.OHIOU.EDU>
Subject: micro humor
Here's a little microbiology humor for the approching holiday:
Q: What kind of protist likes Halloween?
A: An amoeboo!
Enjoy, Jeff
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Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 22:52:21 -0400
From: Jefferson Slattery <aa039@SEORF.OHIOU.EDU>
Subject: The Cross-eyed Barber (fwd)
> Bill (the listowner WITHOUT a sense of humor) kicked Warren off of the
> contributor list because he had a two line signature block. He asked me to
> pass this on to those of you who still have one.
>
> The barber leaned over and said to the guy he was shaving, "Sir,
> did you have ketchup on your shirt?"
> "No," the man replied.
> The barber picked up the phone and dialed 911.
> **************************************************************************
> | Warren G. Ferguson -N8VOV | They that can give up essential liberty to |
> | SKYWARN | obtain a little temporary safety deserve |
> | Athens, Ohio | neither liberty nor safety. |
> | aa159@seorf.ohiou.edu | -Benjamin Franklin |
> **************************************************************************
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Date: Tue, 4 Oct 1994 22:47:13 -0400
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Expressive insults Pt. 1
The Washington Post's Style Invitational Column asked for colorful curses
in the Yiddish tradition.
The winners:
4th runner up:
May your hair never turn gray, so everyone thinks you dye it.
3rd runner up:
May you be caught shoplifting by a security camera that adds 10
pounds to you in court.
2nd runner up:
May the ladies on 14th street call out your name as you drive by
with your wife, and may your wife call them back by theirs.
1st runner up:
May you be a contestant on "Jeopardy!" playing against my
7-year-old son and the only categories are Power Rangers, X-men, and fart
noises.
and the winner is:
May your children be so clever they are acquitted of murdering you.
NEXT:
The honorable mentions!
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 11:38:52 GMT+1200
From: Marvin Bruce M. Galero <MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: Tallest <perhaps offensive>
A local joke everybody here probably heard about:
Three kids were bragging about the heights of their grandfathers.
Kid 1: My grandfather's so tall, that he can touch the bell of our
church without going on tiptoes.
Kid 2: Ha! That's all?! My grandfather's so tall that he can touch
the clouds!
Kid 3: Nobody can touch clouds, you jerk! They're only fog in the sky!
Kid 2: Oh, yeah?! How come he says he can touch something soft and
round when he reaches up?
Kid 3: That's because he's touching my grandfather's balls!
---------------------------------------
Marvin
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