Digest for Tuesday, October 04, 1994
There are 18 messages totalling 782 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Imagine a GM HelpLine...
- assorted risque jokes/adult humor (a couple could offend some women)
- cucumbers and tires
- Windows95
- From here to the right... w/ Spanish version
- Theatre humor: Correcting a dangerous fantasy
- (fwd) list of pick up lines (fwd)
- Keyboard True Story
- Top Ten College Material
- Dennis Wolfberg
- Humor: Generations compared
- Two Laz jokes (Ethnic humor; Off to Laz)
- Insults Pt. 2
- oj joke
- Memo concerning foul language
- Comedy: Atheist hit by truck
- Pun of the day
- A few good quotes
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 08:30:46 -0600
From: Jim Porcaro <JIMPO@WORDPERFECT.COM>
Subject: Imagine a GM HelpLine...
General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how
to drive. Imagine if they did ... (Think of a computer software or
hardware helpline)
---
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all these technical terms just to use my car?"
---
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle
and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle
pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay
the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that
I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built in!"
---
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal
all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then
it crashed and it won't start now!
HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What
do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that
doesn't crash any more!"
---
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in
my car!"
///////////////////////////////
Opinions and Humor represent my own views--not necessarily the views
of my employer.
///////////////////////////////
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 11:30:03 -0400
From: Sheldon Cheney <scheney@NALUSDA.GOV>
Subject: assorted risque jokes/adult humor (a couple could offend some women)
--------------
A rather fat woman with a sagging figure was vacationing in Florida. She
goes into a shop and buys a bikini. The next day she comes back and
wants to return the bikini top and get half her money back. The clerk
says, "But you need the top too." The woman replies, "No, I don't. I
can get everything into the bottom."
----------------
That's about like the over the hill stripper with a sagging figure. At
the end of her act, she'd hop off the stage, starting the applause herself.
----------------
The Soviet government, (back in the cold war days - as a propaganda ploy
to razz the Americans,) ordered from a U.S. rubber company 1000 gross of
condoms. The specifications stated that the condoms be 18 inches long
and 8 inches in circumference. The U.S. company filled the order and
marked each condom, "size small."
----------------
How do porcupines make love? Veerry carefully!
-----------------
"Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a
newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come?"
"Well, every year, he comes back to apologize."
---------------
"My fiancee works in telemarketing." "Hah! You misunderstood. She's a
call girl."
----------------
The farmer's daughter was sent home from the county fair. She couldn't
keep her calves together.
----------------
Outraged wife: "Couldn't you think of anything better than coming home
drunk like this?"
Husband: "Yes, but she was out of town.
-------------
Embarrassed husband to wife at a party: "It's O.K. to tell people I'm a
big sportsfan, but please stop saying I'm an athletic supporter."
------------
True incident: In the early 1950s, a friend and I met someone about our
age and we asked, "What's your name?" His answer was, "Jock and no
comments." (Probably spelled Jacques)
------------
Another true incident - when I was still with my now exwife: Maria awoke
one morning and said, "I'm so tired, it's like I was dancing all night."
"But I thought you liked dancing," I said. She responded, "With YOU."
---------------
The bartender gave the customer his check. He charged only 10 cents each
for the drinks the customer and his girlfriend had. The customer was
surprised and puzzled. "How can you stay in business selling drinks so
cheaply?" The bartender replied, "I'm not the owner. He's upstairs with
my wife, and I'm doing the same thing to him down here that he's doing to
her up there."
------------
Mother: "Remember, the shortest route to a man's heart is throught his
stomach."
Daughter: "No, mother, I found a more direct route last night."
-------------
A boy and a girl met at a nudist colony. The boy says, "Don't look now,
but I think I'm falling in love with you."
[]<>[]<>[]<>[]
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 09:32:02 PDT
From: John Kenny <jkenny@TELOGY1.COM>
Subject: cucumbers and tires <may be offensive to Jewis/religious folks>
My brother comes home the other day, tired as tired can be and exclaims..
"I'm more worn out out than a cucumber in a convent!"
__________________________________________________________________________
Q: Have you heard of that new Jewish tire on the market?
A: Stops on a dime and picks it up too.
Enjoy y'all - John
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 09:48:33 PDT
From: Mark J. Scheller <scheller@C3OT.SAIC.COM>
Subject: Windows95 <off. to windows/microsoft lovers>
The Top 11 Things People Think The 95 In Windows95 Really Stands For
-------------------------------------------------------------------
11. The The number of people who believe it will ship on time.
10. The number floppies it will ship on.
9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
7. The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.
6. The percentage of existing windows programs that wont run in the new OS.
5. The number of minutes to install.
4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
2. The number Mhz required for the OS to run.
And now the #1 thing people think the 95 in Windows95 really stands for..
(Drum roll please...)
1. The year it was *DUE* to ship.
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 14:00:04 GMT
From: jmikalef.AR <jmikalef@AR.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: From here to the right...<Offensive words> w/ Spanish version
The drunk gets into the bus and pointing to the middle of th bus, starts
yelling
- From here to the right everybody is an asshole, From here to the left,
everybody is a son of a bitch!
Then one angry passenger stands and replies
- Wait a minute! I am not an asshole!
-So move to the other side then!!
---------------------------------------
Un borracho se sube al colectivo y apuntando al medio del pasillo comienza a
gritar
- De aca para la derecha son todos unos pelotudos y de aca para la izquierda
son tofos unos boludos
Entonces se para un pasajero muy enojado
-Un momento! Yo no soy ningun pelotudo!
-Muevase para el otro lado entonces!!!
The man to the one sitting besides him in the bar.
-Look that woman who just came in. I would fuck her till she screams.
-Eh! That's my woman!
- Of course I would have paid...
------------------------
El tipo al que estaba sentado al lado en el bar
-Mira la mujer que acaba de entrar. Me la cogeria hasta que gritara.
-Eh! Esa es mi mujer!!
- Por supuesto que le pagaria hombre..
Comments, corrections will be wellcomed...
Juan
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 14:12:12 EST
From: Joe Mole <JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Theatre humor: Correcting a dangerous fantasy
In 1904, when *Peter Pan* began playing in London, the children
were so enthralled by the flying hero of Never-Never Land that they
took his words literally: If they believed strongly enough, then
they would be able to fly.
Quickly distraught parents began complaining that their children
were being injured attempting to fly. J.M. Barrie, the creator of
*Peter Pan* replied by incorporating a slight change into Peter's
formula for flying. His solution was effective, imaginative, and
life-saving. His solution perfectly fit the situation and even
improved on what originally existed--the ideal way to solve a
problem. From then on, in order to fly, the children in the story
needed to be sprinkled with the dust of Tinker Bell, a pixie.
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 12:26:01 -0600
From: Raghu S <Raghu.S@M.CC.UTAH.EDU>
Subject: (fwd) list of pick up lines (fwd)
From alt.tasteless.jokes...
(Some sexually suggestive)
>>1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
>>
>>2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell I
>>just met the girl of my dreams.
>> OR:
>> I want to call your mother and thank her.
>>
>>3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the
>>stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they
>>say "yes."]
>>
>>4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
>>
>>5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take
>>what I want?
>>
>>6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
>>
>>7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the
>>word.
>>
>>8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
>>
>>9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor
>>tomorrow morning.
>>
>>10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
>>
>>11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
>>
>>12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
>>
>>13. Can I flirt with you?
>>
>>14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of
>>buns.
>>
>>15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":]
>>Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
>> OR:
>> Checking to see if you're the right size.
>>
>>16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
>>
>>17. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
>>
>>18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
>>
>>19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
>>
>>20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
>>
>>21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
>>
>>22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]
>>
>>23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
>>
>>24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
>>
>>25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
>>
>>26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
>>
>>27. So... How am I doin'?
>>
>>28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet
>>clothes?
>>
>>29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 12:33:14 -0700
From: Mark S. Hutchenreuther <mshutch@SUNED1.NSWSES.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Keyboard True Story
Well, it looks like I am a day behind. I got a joke today that I also
want to respond to, but it can wait. Anyway...
Do Europeans have difficulty with keyboards? The CTRL-ALT-DEL story
reminded me of a story that was told to me at this year's Annual
Gathering by a friend and member of Mensa Germany.
Years ago, he owned a Timex Sinclair computer that had a membrane
keyboard. One day a screwdriver fell off his bookcase and landed
point-side-down on the letter "K". This caused the key to be permanently
depressed. Well, not quite. He found a small suction cup and placed it
over the offending key. That was just strong enough to pull the key up
so it was no longer permanently on. And so he continued to use the
computer in this manner.
One day, he was in a hurry to do something with the computer, but
of course the suction cup was missing. (Maybe he had a cat...) He was
really stressing himself out looking for the cup, and running out of
time. Finally, in desperation, he put his lips on the keyboard and
sucked on the "K" so he could do what he had to do.
Oh, and there is a P.S. to this story. As he was trying to tell
us the story, he did not know the English for "suction cup." I wish I
could remember how he described it for us, it was like a hysterical game
of charades.
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 13:42:22 MST
From: Phil Corless <APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET>
Subject: Top Ten College Material
Top Ten Signs Your Kid Isn't College Material
---------------------------------------------
10. His guidance counselor's file contains
two words: yard work
9. In yearbook, was voted "Most Likely to Injure
Himself Opening a Door."
8. During algebra, interrupts teacher and asks,
"When do we get to whittle?"
7. SAT Score? 9
6. He keeps telling everybody life is like a box
of chocolates.
5. Every time he sees a book he says, "What the hay
is this dang thing?"
4. He's the only 37-year-old in the 4th grade.
3. During appearance on Jeopardy, keeps buzzing in
and asking, "Alex, can I have some candy?"
2. Thinks "valedictorian" is a brand name of condom.
1. Can't find Waldo.
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 15:33:07 EST
From: BETH WOODELL <woodell@UMUC.UMD.EDU>
Subject: Dennis Wolfberg
Dennis Wolfberg passed away Monday of cancer. He was 48. I was stunned;
I didn't even know he was sick. For those of you who may not recognize the
name, Wolfberg was a stand-up comic known for his bug-eyed delivery.
I know I'm gonna miss him. Some Wolfbergisms I'll remember (the
words between the stars you kind of have to imagine him delivering
with those pop-eyes of his and his face screwing up like he was about to
take a good dump):
"My wife is half-Jewish...and my parents are half-*pissed*! ...Speaking of
CHHHHHhanukah, I swear this is true, once I was in Alabama and someone came
up to me and wished me a happy *Chaka Khan!* Can you believe this, ladies
and gentlemen?"
"I was pre-med, but I switched to psychology after taking *organic
chemistry,* ladies and gentlemen....I got a *16* on the first exam.
I was so stupid in organic chemistry I drained points off the guy sitting
next to me...."(I'm pretty sure this is the quote?)
"Have you tried this new cereal called Fiber One? It's supposed to
have twice the fiber of other cereals...and about ten times the
fiber of *raw twine,* ladies and gentlemen....It's one thing to
be regular, but another to be *unstoppable*!" (Wish I could remember
what he had to say about a getting complete physical, including a
proctoscopy exam.)
I apologize if someone has already posted this to the list.
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 16:06:55 -0400
From: TK Baltimore <tkbalt@MINERVA.CIS.YALE.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Generations compared
I hope I haven't seen this on the list already. I sometimes lose track
of where things come from. Apologies if this is a big ol' repeat.
Recent Generations Compared:
1940 generation 1965 generation 1990 generation
_______________ _______________ _______________
International Defeat of Hitler, Opposed Vietnam Changed channel
Achievement Communism War to MTV
Judicial Legal system should Legal system should Legal system should
idea support society change society destroy society
Technological Moon landing Personal computer Beeper, car alarm
highlight
Highbrow Classical Jazz Easy listening
Music
Lowbrow Big bands Rock Rap
Music
Civil rights Martin Luther King Malcolm X Damian Williams
leader
Hero Eisenhower John Kennedy Madonna
Economic Raise 60's generation Develop Support 60's
achievement Sophisticated generation
Tastes retirement
Fav' drug Cigarettes Marijuana Crack
Drug most Marijuana Crack Cigarettes
hated
Economic Work hard - get ahead Let your parents/ Prepare for employment
philosophy government support at K-Mart
you
Cartoon Bugs Bunny Bullwinkle Beavis and Butt-head
Boast "We made this country "We are great" "We are better armed"
great"
Excuse 'I did it for the 'I was upset by 'I was abused'
country' world injustice'
Sex Monogamy Free love AIDS
Youthful Drag race Demonstration Use AK-47 at school
rebellion
Movie Casablanca Easy Rider Bill and Ted's
Excellent Adventure
Science Einstein Jacques Cousteau Biosphere II
Enemy USSR USA not sure where
country countries located
Influential Eleanor Roosevelt Jane Fonda Roseanne Arnold
woman
Religion Monotheism Atheism Paganism
Enemy Hitler Nixon Joe Camel
Blames Them--> <--Them--> <--Them
(Loses 2-1)
=============================
Robert L. Richard (written 4-24-94)
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 20:04:53 LCL
From: Robert Bragner <robertb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Two Laz jokes (Ethnic humor; Off to Laz)
[According to my Webster's Third World International dictionary
the Laz are "a Muslim Kartvelian Sunnite people of Caucasia found
on both sides of the Turkish-Soviet frontier". In order to
appreciate the following jokes you need to know that, here in
Turkey, the Laz have a reputation (undeserved I should add) for
being "mentally and intellectually challenged" and many jokes are
told about them. Here are two.]
1
"Green end up!"
We're in a small town in west central Turkey and a guy walks into
a coffehouse, sits down, and joins a card game in progress. Every
five minutes or so he asks someone nearby to "play this hand" and
he then jumps up, runs to the door, looks out, and with a
repeated upward sweeping motion of his arms and hands shouts
"Green end up! Green end up!" He then comes back to the table and
resumes playing. This goes on for about twenty minutes and the
other players are starting to get pissed off, so when the guy
gets up again one of them says "Look buddy if you're gonna play,
play! What's all this `Green end up' business anyhow?" The other
feller says "Sorry 'bout this. I'm with the municipality." He
runs to the door and looks out speaking the while, "I'm with the
muncipality and I'm in charge of this crew of Laz and--Hey! You!
Yeah, you! Green end up! Green. End. UP!--I've got them planting
saplings along the main street..."
2
The minaret seeds
[For this joke, which is much older, it also helps to know that
Kayserilis (people from Kayseri in east-central Turkey) have a
(not entirely undeserved) reputation for being VERY sharp
traders.]
Temel [a common Laz name] is visiting Istanbul for the first time
and spends all his time walking around gawking at the sights. He
is particularly impressed by the grand mosques with their soaring
minarets and thinks how wonderful it would be if they could have
minarets like that in his village back home. A sharp-eyed
Kayserili spies Temel admiring the minarets one day and,
recognizing a sucker when he sees one, he engages Temel in a
conversation to find out what it is that's caught his attention
so. Temel tells him about his fascination with the minarets and
of his dream to have one of them in his village. So the Kayserili
tells him "Look, you've run into just the right man. I just
happen to be the only person who knows how they make those
minarets. They grow them. That's right. They grow them from
seeds. And I'm the only person who has those seeds." Temel begs
the Kayserili to sell him some of the seeds and after much hard
bargaining they agree on a price. The Kayserili tells Temel to
meet him at the same spot in an hour and goes off.
An hour later, the Kayserili comes back with a small envelope. He
opens it and shows Temel the contents--a dozen tiny, seeds--
saying, "Just plant these where you want the minarets to be and
water them like you would regular seeds. In a couple of weeks
you'll have a clutch of minarets." Temel takes the envelope and
hands over the money.
Upon returning to his village, he tells people what he's brought
back from Istanbul. They have a serious discussion about where
the minarets should be located and, after coming to a decision,
the seeds are planted and everybody starts waiting eagerly for
them to sprout up.
Days pass and little green shoots appear where the seeds were
planted. More days pass and the greenery gets a little taller but
nothing even remotely resembling a minaret appears. After a month
a few people start grumbling and making remarks about how Temel
was a fool and who'd believe a story like "minaret seeds" anyhow?
Two months later and the villagers' patience is at an end.
Someone decides to uproot one of the plants and, when he does, he
pulls out an enormous carrot! People then go and uproot all the
other plants, coming up with another carrot every time. The
villagers gather round to discuss this marvel, some holding that
they chose the wrong place to plant the seeds, others that they
didn't water them enough, still others that the village soil
isn't really good for growing minarets anyhow, and so on. After
thinking about the problem deeply for a while Temel finally
announces:
"Friends," he says pointing to the carrots. "It's all our own
fault. We planted those seeds upside-down!"
[In another version of this joke, too long to tell here, Temel
seeks out the Kayserili, who delivers the punch-line.]
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 20:33:56 -0400
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Insults Pt. 2
May your final sight be buzzards fighting over your best parts.
May your teenage daughter's grades show radical improvement, but
only in the classes in which she has a male teacher.
May you be 72 hours away form being exicuted for a murder you
didn't commit when the real killer confesses to authorities in a letter
he mails from the District of Columbia.
May your ex-spouse's new lover work for the IRS.
May you own a mansion with 10 bedrooms, and on each bed may thre
lounge an unemployed son watching MTV.
May you fall on your tuchus into a vat of Rogaine.
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 20:53:39 EDT
From: Adina Sobo <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject: oj joke
What are two things that O.J. Simpson has that any american man would love to
have?
The Heisman <sp?> Trophy and a dead ex-wife.
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 21:45:12 EDT
From: Anthony Bivens <Muenchener@AOL.COM>
Subject: Memo concerning foul language <censored, but still vulgar>
MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES:
It has been brought to the management's attention that some individuals have
been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between
employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers,
this conduct will no longer be tolerated.
Management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to
properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow
employees. Therefore, management has compiled the following coded list. It
is imperative that all emloyees understand and memorize these code phrases so
that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.
NEW PHRASE OLD PHRASE
I'm certain that's feasible... No f*cking way!
Really? You've got to be sh*tting me.
Perhaps you should check with... Tell someone that gives a f*ck.
Of course I'm concerned. Ask me if I give a f*ck.
I wasn't involved with that project. It's not my f*cking problem.
Interesting behavior. What the f*ck...?
I'm not sure I can implement this. F*ck it, it won't work.
I'll try to schedule that. Why the f*ck didn't they tell me this
sooner?
Perhaps I can work late. When the f*ck do they expect me to do
this?
Are you sure it's a problem? Who the f*ck cares?
He's not familiar with the problem. He's got his head up his ass.
You don't say. Eat sh*t.
Excuse me? Eat sh*t and die.
Excuse me, sir? Eat sh*t and die motherf*cker!
They weren't happy with it? What the f*ck do they want from me?
So, you'd like my help with it? Kiss my ass.
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. F*ck it, I'm on my break.
I don't think you understand. Shove it up your ass.
I love a challenge. This job sucks.
You want me to take care of this? Who the hell died and made you boss?
I see. Blow me.
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 22:51:21 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Comedy: Atheist hit by truck
From "Atheist Hit by Truck" by John McNulty
Another policeman, from over by Whelan's drugstore, where there was a
picket line, strolled up. He was an older cop, more lines in his face, bigger
belly, less humps around his hips, because the equipment--twisters, mace, and
all that stuff--fitted on him better after all these years. "Wuzzamadder with
'im?" he asked his colleague.
"This here truck hit him. He isn't hurt bad. Says he's an atheist."
"I am an atheist!" the man yelled.
"The crowd laughed again.
"Did you put that down--atheist?" the older cop asked.
"Yuh, I put it in where it says 'religion.'"
"Rubbid out. Rubbid out. Put in Cat'lic. He looks like a Cat'lic to me. He
got an Irish name? Anyway, rubbid out. When he sobers up, he'll be sorry he
said that atheist business. Put in Cat'lic. We gotta send him to Bellevue just
for safety's sake." The young cop started for the drugstore to put in a call.
"Never mind safety's sake. I'm an atheist, I'm telling you," the drunk
said, loud as he could.
"Cuddid out, cuddid out," the older cop said. Then he leaned over like a
lecturer or somebody. "An' another thing--if you wouldn't go round sayin'
you're an atheist, maybe you wouldn't be gettin' hit by trucks."
The crowd sensed a great moral lesson and didn't laugh.
"Jeez! The guy says he's an atheist," the hackie said again.
A little later the Bellevue ambulance came.
"I yam a natheist," the man kept muttering as they put him into the
ambulance.
Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 21:53:35 CDT
From: David Christian <DCHRISTI@NDSUVM1.BITNET>
Subject: Pun of the day
A bright young botanist was extremely pleased with himself when he came up
with a method of reattaching the cortex to the trunks of certain woody-stemmed
plants. However, one day as he tried this procedure, he found the plant was
an elm and the cortexial medium he had at hand was that of an oak. Being the
creative person he was, he tried the procedure, only to have it fail. Seems
he was barking up the wrong tree.
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 22:18:36 -0500
From: Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: A few good quotes
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Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-- Mike Adams
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But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
finite or an infinite number.
-- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
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A bunch of US soldiers in Saudi Arabia are getting ready to board an airliner.
One of them looks very nervous, so his sergeant claps him on the shoulder and
says, "Relax, son, you're going _home_!"
The soldier replies, "I know... but I'm from New York City."
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(From the April 15, 1991 edition of Newsweek Magazine:)
"I can say that anyone who, like me, has been educated in English
public schools and served in the ranks of the British Army is quite at
home in a Third World prison."
British businessman ROGER COOPER, on being released last week after
five years in an Iranian prison.
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