Digest for Wednesday, October 05, 1994
There are 14 messages totalling 356 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Offensive to dennys workers. dennys joke which I swear is true :>
- Brits pull out, rubbers stay
- String joke
- limericks, risque
- Bits & Pieces - Mixture
- 1 non offensive, 1 a little bit...
- Mixed emotions
- Insect Joke
- A wee bit o Irish humor
- Humorous sayings and quotes
- assorted clean jokes
- 2 jokes by a computer, 2 sick jokes about the ferry accident
- incest
- Lost watch
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Date: Thu, 6 Oct 1994 00:25:34 EDT
From: Adam Bourque <Adam.Mindwolf@UM.CC.UMICH.EDU>
Subject: Offensive to dennys workers. dennys joke which I swear is true :>
On the computer billing system which is just now networked to all denny's
around the country I believe, there are bulletins which is put up when the
terminal is not in use. I read on the other day which made me smile.
Bulletin:
Don't Repress,
Be Your Best!
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Date: Thu, 6 Oct 1994 02:18:37 -0500
From: Edward Spurlock <spurlock@BGA.COM>
Subject: Brits pull out, rubbers stay
(the way I heard it...)
At the beginning of World War II, the English were helping the Resistance
in one of the Scandinavian countries. There was a problem, however.
Their guns--excuse me, their _rifles_--kept freezing in the winter cold.
They found that a condom rolled down over the muzzle helped, and the
English requested supplies of extra-long (two feet? whatever...) from
an English manufacturer. Winston Churchill himself okayed the order, but
had the maker print "British Made--Size Small" on the special rubbers.
As the Germans advanced, the English retreated--but left the condoms
behind for the Nazis' benefit.
--shrEd--
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Date: Thu, 6 Oct 1994 07:54:48 EST
From: Clarity Hands <CLEAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: String joke <pun>
A piece of string walks into a bar, takes a seat and attempts to order
a drink. "Get out of here," says the bartender "we don't serve your
kind." "But I just want a beer," replies the string. "I don't care,"
says the bartender, "we don't serve strings at this establishment."
so the little piece of string leaves the bar and stands outside for a
while contemplating the situation. Suddenly, he gets and idea: he
makes a loop in himself and proceeds to unravel his ends, then he
re-enters the bar and orders a beer. "Say, I thought I told you we
don't serve your kind -- aren't you that same piece of string?" asks
the bartender. "No . . .I'm a frayed knot."
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Date: Thu, 6 Oct 1994 08:05:31 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: limericks, risque
There is a young lass of Valencia
For whom sex is a form of dementia.
For the first hour she's quiet
Then she builds to a riot
With a noise that grows quickly intensia.
-Issac Asimov (1978)
There once was a girl from New Haven
Whose pubic hair was not shaven
But missing because
She slept without drawers
Within range of a nest building raven.
-John Ciardi (1978)
See ya. A wed pm
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Date: Thu, 6 Oct 1994 08:14:43 EDT
From: Heather D. Rielly <Heather.D.Rielly@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Bits & Pieces - Mixture
BITS & PIECES (week of) October 13th, 1994 (yes, they are ahead of their
time):
"Remember the tea kettle. Though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to
sing."
"Sign on a fence in in the Indiana countryside: If you cross this field you
had better do it in 9.8 seconds. The bull can do it in 10 seconds. NO
TRESPASSING."
"Just about the time your income gets to the point where food prices don't
matter - calories do."
"One youngster was explaining to another what "mixed emotions" meant. 'It's
like watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your
desk,' he said."
"Honesty is like an icicle; once it melts, that's the end of it."
"If you want to be the picture of health, make sure you have a happy frame of
mind."
"A sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to our steps as we walk the
tightrope of life." (AMEN.)
"A little leaguer came home and announced that he had hit a home run. "You
must have really smacked it," said the proud father. "Oh, I didn't hit it so
hard, " answered the young slugger. "I just hit it and started to run." "It
must have gone over the outfielder's head," the father said excitedly. "Oh,
he wasn't there," explained the boy. "He'd gone to the bathroom."
"A bit of fragrance always clings to the hand that gives roses." Chinese
Proverb
Bits & Pieces
12 Daniel Road
Fairfield, NJ 07004-2565
Heather
<Heather.D.Rielly@Dartmouth.EDU>
(used to be <Heather.D.Santaw@Dartmouth.EDU>)
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Date: Thu, 6 Oct 1994 08:32:08 EST
From: RHEW000 <RHEW@MUSIC.STLAWU.EDU>
Subject: 1 non offensive, 1 a little bit...
The two latest floating around our office:
Didja hear about the new "Divorced Barbie Doll"?
She comes with all Ken's things.
This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease
her loneliness, and so goes to the pet store. She decides against
puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a
voice saying, "My but you look lovely this afternoon, Madam." She turns
around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees
is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say
that?" she asks. "Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that
dress is a very nice color for you." The lady suddenly realizes how
nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid
such nice comliments. So she pays for him, and takes him home. On the
way, she says, "you know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take
you out for dinner! Would you like that?" The parrot says, "Why yes,
that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street." So
they arrive home, and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change
for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. As she takes her
dress off, the parrot peers over and says, "Hey, nice tits." Well, the
woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches
down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer.
Leaves him there for FIVE minutes. Takes him out, the parrot is
VERY cold. She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will NOT
tolerate such language in my house!" The parrot says "OK, OK, I promise
it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry." So they go back upstairs.
She begins, again, to change. As she is changing her underwear, the
parrot eyes her and says, "Whoooaaa! Nice ASS!" The lady is absolutely
stunned. Rips the parrot out of his cage, down the stairs, into the
cellar -- SLAM -- into the freezer. This time she leaves him in there
for 15 minutes. When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step
away from death. Shivering, light frost on the beak, the whole works.
As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "Well, I have one
question. That turkey in there--what'd he do, ask for a blow job?"
Have a day. Rita in Canton, NY
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Date: Thu, 6 Oct 1994 13:53:00 PDT
From: Dunn Andy <ADUNN@FARNBORO01.DATASCI.CO.UK>
Subject: Mixed emotions
>"One youngster was explaining to another what "mixed emotions" meant. 'It's
>like watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your
>desk,' he said."
--or--
Watching your mother-in-law drive of a cliff in your new car.....
Andy
ADUNN@farnboro01.datasci.co.uk
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Date: Thu, 6 Oct 1994 11:54:43 -0400
From: Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: Insect Joke <rude>
Q. What insect carries malaria?
A. Mosquito
Q. What insect carries Lyme disease?
A. Tick
Q. What insect carries AIDS?
A. Asshopper
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Date: Thu, 6 Oct 1994 12:17:39 EDT
From: TG436@AOL.COM
Subject: A wee bit o' Irish humor
This one was told to me by an insurance salesman...
A man is sitting at a bar having a drink when he hears the fellow next to him
singing "Oh Danny Boy."
He turns to the fellow and says, "Hey, you're Irish? So am I! Hey
barkeep--bring us a couple of drinks for my Irish friend and me."
The bartender delivers the drinks and the two men start talking.
"So where in Ireland are you from?"x asks the first.
"Oh a small place, you wouldn't know it," says the second.
"Try me."
"Well, I'm originally from County Cork."
"No kidding? Me too! Hey barkeep! Another round for my Irish friend and me!"
The two continue drinking and talking. "So what town are you from?" asks the
first.
"Oh a small town, to be sure. You've probably never heard of it."
"Try me."
"Well, its in the southern region, a place called Begorrah."
"No fooling? Me too! I'm from Begorrah! Hey barkeep--another round for my
Irish friend and me!"
"Well, if you're from Begorrah, you must know St. Mary's," says the second
fellow.
"Of course--and how about Sister Agatha?"
"I know her well! She was my teacher!"
"Mine too! Hey barkeep--another round!"
The two men begin crying and singing "When Irish Eyes are Smiling."
Another man walks in the bar and takes in the scene.
"Hey bartender," he says, "what's with those two?"
The bartender says, "Oh that's just the Shaugnessy twins, shit-faced again!"
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Date: Thu, 6 Oct 1994 14:23:22 EST
From: Kathleen Williams <WILLIA3@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Humorous sayings and quotes
Never get into fights with ugly people becaue they have nothing
to lose.
Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conlcusive evidence that
you are wonderful.
">ODon't mistake pleasure for happiness. They are a different breed
of dog." Josh Billings
"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as
you please." Mark Twain
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Date: Thu, 6 Oct 1994 15:54:23 -0400
From: Sheldon Cheney <scheney@NALUSDA.GOV>
Subject: assorted clean jokes
-------------
Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
-------------
Waiter: "Don't complain about the coffee, sir. You may be old and weak
yourself some day.
--------------
Fred: "What a storm! The hail came down a big as golfballs!"
Ted: "The hail you say?"
---------------
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What
did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back
tomorrow."
---------------
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town
shopping. He decided to go fishing, and he had to take her along. "I'll
never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch
a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish
away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the
bait."
---------
Fred: "You should see my new short wave radio. I turned it on last
night and got Mexico."
Ted: "That's nothing. I opened my window last night and got Chile."
---------
Confucius say: "Life is like taking shower. One wrong turn and you in
hot water."
[]<>[]<>[]<>[]
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Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 23:17:05 GMT
From: Adam BJ Quantrill <joker@MAXWELLS.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: 2 jokes by a computer, 2 sick jokes about the ferry accident
First two clean jokes written by a computer - Edinburgh University postgrad
Kim Binstead, a student in artificial intelligence, has writen a program
to generate jokes. Afterr hours of scouring its lexicon and employing the
principles of creating puns, the best gags the computer could come up with
included:
Q: What do you get if you cross a sad emotion with a stag?
A: A broken hart.
Q: What do you call a cros between a person and a thing?
A: A person-thing.
Now two jokes which are fairly sick:
Q: Which vegetables are heavier than sea water?
A: Swedes!
Q: What parts of a fish enable it to sink?
A: The Finns!!!
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Date: Thu, 6 Oct 1994 15:30:54 PDT
From: John Kenny <jkenny@TELOGY1.COM>
Subject: incest <may be offensive to offenders and folks in West Virginia>
Q: How does a mother in West Virginia know when her daughter is on her period?
A: She can taste it on her son's dick!!!!!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH! That was bad! -John
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Date: Thu, 6 Oct 1994 21:41:08 LCL
From: Don Leining <don.leininger@SYSLINK.MCS.COM>
Subject: Lost watch
One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk down on
his hands and knees searching for something under a street light.
The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and
the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broke
loose from his wrist. The man, being a kind harded soul, got down
on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for
his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man
asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. The drunk said "About
a half a block up the street." The man asked the drunk "why pray
tell are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a
block up the street?" The drunk replied "the light is alot better
here."
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