Digest for Tuesday, November 01, 1994
There are 17 messages totalling 614 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Sniglets & In The News (Political - Off to OJ)
- sailing joke (sexist)
- Staunching the flow
- weight loss through sex - suggestive
- Nursing Home.offensive-elderly
- mynorcas for car names
- Aphonia and the doctors wife
- Jack Charlton joke
- Doctors appointment < poss. off. to ladies
- A non-offensive joke
- Bits & Pieces Story
- Life 6.I A collection of clean humor gathered on: 20 Aug 90
- Programmer Humor
- 3 COMPUTER NERDS
- more funny papers
- Child molester joke
- JAP Jokes (off to Jews, language)
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 04:23:38 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: Sniglets & In The News (Political - Off to OJ)
First off, the prior sniglets reminded me of those great Rich Hall
skits. One I heard was in the middle of a big meeting with our Air Force
customer, and the person holding the meeting interrupted someone and
said, "Wait a minute, am I hallucinihearing?" I thought it would be a
classic sniglet (as in "Am I hearing things?")
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Halloween Edition
The biggest selling item this year was the Tiny Tot forensic kit. It
allows trick or treaters to conduct DNA tests on any suspicious goodies.
Some kids went out as OJ Simpson. They should have gone as Robert
Shapiro so they could take all the little OJ's candy.
The Forrest Gump costume came with a bad haircut, big ears and the
ability to garner national attention for no apparent reason. Last year,
it was sold as the Ross Perot.
Another costume for those with a suit and very little money: Carry a
dictionary and goe as Dan Quayle.
Sorry. The middle manager costume is no longer available.
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 01:12:00 PST
From: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU>
Subject: sailing joke (sexist)
It seems that there were two brothers, identical twins by the name of
Jones. John was married and Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated old
row boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's
boat filled up with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and, mistak-
ing him for John who had lost his wife, said, "Mr. Jones, I was terribly
sorry to hear of your loss, you must feel terrible."
Joe said, "Well, I'm not a bit sorry, she was a rotten old scow from
the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish.
Every time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever
saw. She had a bad crack in back and a big hole in front. That hole
got bigger and bigger everytime I used her. I got so I could handle her
alright, but when anyone else used her she leaked like a sieve!"
"But this is what finished her," he continued. "Four doctors came
into town looking for a good time and asked if they could hire her. Well,
I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but they said they would take a
crack at her anyhow. The results were that all the darn fools tired to
get into her at once and it was too much for her and she cracked right in
the middle..."
Before Joe could finish, the old lady fainted.
[thanks to Gary Guibor]
Jack Kolb
IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 08:26:07 EST
From: 1 Crazy Guy... <vvergara@PICA.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Staunching the flow <may be offensive to black women>
Heard from a retired office mate <author unknown>
One day a young black woman went into a drug store and asked to see the
pharmacist. When he came out he asked what he could do to help her. She
said that she needed to buy some "napkins" but didn't know what to get.
So the pharmacist asked her what size that she wanted to buy;
MINI's, MAXI's, or TAMPONS
But she said that she didn't know what size to buy, that's
why she was here to ask what he recommended. So he then asked her what
kind of "flow" did she have and she replied "linoleum."
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 08:35:28 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: weight loss through sex - suggestive
======================
THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO
WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
======================
----------------------------------------------------------------
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
----------------------------------------------------------------
REMOVING CLOTHES: ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
With partner's consent.....12 Shoes flew off...............35
Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2
Orchestra swelled.............6
UNHOOKING BRA: Birds sang
Using two calm hands........7 Large birds..................7
Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds..................3
Earth moved..................30
Lifting partner............15 PULLING OUT:
Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm................1/2
Using skateboard............3 A few moments before orgasm.500
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: PENIS ENVY:
For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman.....................3
Losing erection............14 For men......................72
Searching for it..........115
GUILT:
PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training,
With erection.............1.5 orgasm comes easily..........53
Without erection..........300 You're enjoying sex,despite the
fact that other people are
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: starving......................2
If the woman who does it is Sex on your lunch hour........3
Experienced.................6 Putting it on expense account..
Inexperienced..............73 20
If a man does it..........680 AGGRAVATION:
Add (5) calories for retrieving Partner keeps showing plants..5
it from across the room. Partner insists on cuddling the
dog during foreplay..........14
ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY: Partner visiting bathroom for
Italian- Man on top,woman in 7th time.....................10
kitchen....................26 Partner taking phone calls....7
Russian- Woman on bottom, Partner making phone calls...40
Man getting permission.....55
American- Both on top......60 GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner's spouse..........60
SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE: By your spouse..............100
Bouncing....................7 Trying to explain............55
Sliding around..............9 Trying to remain calm.......100
Serious skidding...........12 Leaping out of bed...........75
Whiplash...................27 Getting dressed in one motion
500
Thanking partner quickly......2
ORGASM:
Real.......................27
Faked.....................160
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 08:38:49 -0500
From: Ben F. Cheek <DrCheek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Nursing Home.offensive-elderly
What is fifty feet long and smells like urine?
A line dance in a nursing home.
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 17:03:46 +0500
From: Dr.P.Vyasa_Murthy <vm110@SATYAM.JVNC.NET>
Subject: mynorcas for car names
Thanks to so many of you adding to my list of mynorcas.
Here is a set of funny expansions for CAR names. I am reproducing
the usenet clipping, as this conforms to the definition of mynorca.
Any more for common words?
==================================================================
In article <8530@portia.Stanford.EDU> mdbomber@portia.Stanford.EDU
(Matt Bartley) writes:
>
>Does anyone know a lot of acronyms for car names? Such as:
>
>GM- General Maintenance
>FORD- Fix Or Repair Daily
>FIAT- Fix It Again, Tony!
>TOYOTA- Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
>
>Anyone know more?
You mean like this ...
Cars -----------------------------------------------------------
BMW Babbling Mechanical Wench
BMW Beastly Monsterous Wonder
BMW Beautiful Masterpeices on Wheels
BMW Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
BMW Big Money Waste
BMW Big Money Works
BMW Blastphemous Motorized Wreck
BMW Born Moderately Wealthy.
BMW Break My Windows
BMW Broken Money Waster
BMW Broken Monsterous Wonder
BMW Brutal Money Waster
BMW Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
Buick Big Ugly Import Car Killer
Buick Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
Buick Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer
Chevy Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.
Chevy Charged Heavily
Chevy Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet
Dodge Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Dodge Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere
Fiat F**king Italian Attempt (at) Transportation.
Fiat Failure in Automotive Technology
Fiat Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
Fiat Fix It Again Tony?
Ford F**ked over rebuilt Dodge
Ford F**ker Only Runs Downhill
Ford F*cked on Race Day
Ford First On Recall Day
Ford First on race day
Ford Fix Or Repair Daily
Ford Found on road dead
Ford Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's
GMC Garage Man's Companion
GMC Generally Mediocre Cars
GMC Get More Chicks
GMC Got More Crap
Mopar Most Often Passed At Races
Mopar Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Mopar Mostly Old Paint And Rust
Plymouth Please Let Your Mother Out <from> Under The Hood!
Plymouth Pussy Lips <in> Your MOUTH
Pontiac Poor old nut thinks it's a Cadillac
SAAB Stupid, Arrogant Asshole Babies
SAAB Such an arrogant bastard!
SAAB Swedish Automobile - Always Broken
Toyota Too Often Yankes Overprice This Auto
-----------------------------------------------------
No, don't have any.
>
>--
>Internet: mdbomber@portia.stanford.edu Matt Bartley
>Bitnet: mdbomber%portia@stanford.bitnet
> Kirk: "Spock! Where's that power you promised?"
> Spock: "One damn minute, Admiral." -- Star Trek IV : The Voyage Home
--
Mark Seiffert, Metairie, LA.
uucp: rex!mgse!marks
bitnet: marks%mgse@REX.CS.TULANE.EDU
internet: marks%mgse@rex.cs.tulane.edu
=======================================================================
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 17:11:47 +0500
From: Dr.P.Vyasa_Murthy <vm110@SATYAM.JVNC.NET>
Subject: Aphonia and the doctor's wife
A patient suffering from acute aphonia (loss of voice due to throat
infection) goes to the doctor. Upon ringing the door bell, finds the
doctor's wife at the door. He asks, in apparant whisper, "Is the doc in?"
She replies - in whispers: "No, Come on, in!"
--------------------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 15:35:31 GMT
From: The Northerner x3154 ICDC <huxford@UKPMR.CS.PHILIPS.NL>
Subject: Jack Charlton joke
This is my first posting from little old England. Hope you like it.
imagine i am talking in an Irish accent and wearing a green footbal top ......
Graham Taylor, Jack Charlton and Jesus are all sitting in a boat in the middle
of a smalish lake.
Unfortunately the engine packs in and they are left stranded.
A discussion starts up into how they are going to get back to land, lets walk,
says Jesus, to the horror of Graham and Jack who claim that he will just get
eaten by sharks or drown.
With a disapproving shrug Jesus gets out of the boat and calmly walk to dry
land.
Jack and Graham look each other before Jack decides to follow and steps out of
the boat and walks to join Jesus on the shore.
Graham decides there can't be much in it and staos ou of thr boat, is engulfed
in the waves and eaten by sharks.
on the bank jesus asks jack 'do you think we should have told him about the
stepping stones then?'
'What stepping stones replies Jack'
Steve The Northerner
P.S. If anyone has any sheep related jokes out there, can they please mail them
to me. I have a mate in Wales that I want to take the mick out of.
*******************************************************************************
* So the Northern hordes have once more returned to cause havoc, chaos *
* and untold devastation to the fens of Cambridge. Watch out...Lock up *
* your daughters....Steves about. *
* NNEEEAAHHHHAAAAAAAAAA (Maniacal Laughter) *
* internet: huxford@ukpmr.cs.philips.nl *
*******************************************************************************
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 10:43:46 EST
From: Allan McKellar <allan_mckellar@IBMUK.E-MAIL.COM>
Subject: Doctor's appointment < poss. off. to ladies
-------------------- Mail Item Text Follows ------------------
To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL
From : Allan McKellar
Subject: Doctor's appointment < poss. off. to ladies
An apocryphal tale no doubt, but still worthy of repeating ..
A lady had to attend her doctor for a routine smear test.
After showering, she decides to apply some female deodorant, and
discovers hers is all-but empty. No problem, she chooses from her
daughter's vast collection of fragrant unguents and applications.
She was mystified when her doctor smiled and said he wished more of
his patients had her sense of humour. She was too embarrassed to ask
what he meant, and was somewhat shocked to discover later that the
spray she had borrowed from her daughter was in fact glitter for
use at a forthcoming party.
------ ------- ----
Police in York (England) are to stop making routine patrols in
cars because there is no money left to pay for petrol. { gas }
Until the spring, officers will patrol either on foot or bicycle.
The shortfall has been caused by a big increase in pensions,
paid from the same budget.
------ ------- ----
A joint and several "No Luck" award to the readers of a Scottish
Sunday newspaper who responded to an advertisement offering what
appeared to be the holiday bargain of the year ..
"New York two or three-day breaks from 165 pounds per person."
{ pounds x 1.6 = dollars }
The callers found themselves talking to a hotelier not 20 miles
from Glasgow, and not the Big Apple.
'Twas indeed a misprint, and a case of someone not knowing whether
it was New Year or New York.
Allan
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 12:03:49 -0500
From: Keith Willauer <synapse@VT.EDU>
Subject: A non-offensive joke
Many years ago, in a fairly large midwestern city, a baby was born
with no body from the head down. The doctors were quite surprised by this,
and were even more confounded by the fact that this baby actually survived.
What was even more interesting was that the baby began to grow various body
parts as it got older.
A neck and shoulders grew out by the time he was one year old, followed
later by a chest and arms. This progressed through his childhood, until
finally, a set of feet and toes grew out of him on his 18th birthday. The
young man was so excited about having a complete body that he decided to
go out and celebrate with his friends.
He got all dressed up and walked out of his house, only to be hit and
killed by a passing dumptruck as he stepped off the curb. The moral of this
story -
Quit while you're ahead.
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 12:24:04 EST
From: Heather D. Rielly <Heather.D.Rielly@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Bits & Pieces Story
From Bits&Pieces for Nov. 10, 1994
An airline executive, tired of constant problems with
people, longed for perfect employees. His hopes seemed fulfilled when
scientists suggested that as a start he replace aircrews with completely
automatic planes- computers would replace pilots, engineers, and even flight
attendants. The executive was delighted. No more errors, no more emotional
difficulties, no more people problems.
A demonstration flight was quickly arranged for the board of
directors. Everything went perfectly: the plane took off, reached cruising
altitude, and leveled off. The board members loosened their seat belts and
relaxed, all smiles.
Just as they were congratulating the executive, a voice came
over the speaker system: "This is your computer pilot speaking. Welcome to
the completely automated airplane. Lunch will now be served. Merely press the
button at your seat and it will arrive automatically. After lunch may I
suggest you sit back and enjoy the flight. I am in complete control of the
plane. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.......
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 09:32:56 PST
From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM
Subject: Life 6.I A collection of clean humor gathered on: 20 Aug 90
There were two kids in the Detroit area who broke into a Mom & Pop
store, ate some candy, raided the cash register (chump change), then
picked up one of those instant-print cameras and started taking pictures
of each other. The prints came out with nothing on them. They used up
nearly a whole "roll" but still didn't get any good photos. After
filling their pockets with gum, candy, etc., they left the store.
Police arrived at their respective front doors soon after the crime,
with the fully developed pictures as evidence.
/---\
==O=O==// " Hitler was lucky he didn't meet the Ninja
( _____ ) Turtles... Germany would have been heavily
\_____/ shelled. "
" A zoologist, while on expedition through the Black
Forest of Germany, discovered a new species of
turtle there. To his surprise, this turtle could
even speak, but only in German, and its vocabulary
was limited to 2 words. Each time the zoologist asked
it a question, it would reply 'Ja' (German for 'Yes')
or 'Nein' (German for 'No'). So the zoologist called
it the 'Nein-Ja' turtle. "
A couple leaving the theatre.
Lady: How did you like it dear?
Man: It was a lot more entertaining than that Star Trek movie you took me to
last year, It had a begining, a middle and an end.
An answering machine was with a "Joe Friday" immitation:
"This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service.
The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a
warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our
investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a
brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past,
with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.
A door to door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way
into a woman's home in outback Australia.
"This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag
of dirt over the lounge floor.
The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so
the salesman says "If this machine doesn't remove it completely
I'll lick it off myself"
"Do you want Ketchup on it?" she says, "only we're not connected
for electricity yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
How many real Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb:
answer #1: none, real klingons see by phaser light.
answer #3: none, real Klingons declare war on the humans and get them to do it.
answer #4: unknown: real Klingons can't count (there's a hidden joke here)
The list of lawyer jokes cannot be sent due to a court order given
at the request of some lawyers. That order has been appealed by
some other lawyers. Pending the appeal (and possible further appeals
up to the supreme court), the list will be unavailable to the
general public. If you are unhappy with this situation, see your
lawyer, who will be happy to handle it for you for a suitable fee.
Q: What does a math graduate say to a sociology graduate?
A: I'll have the burger and fries, please.
This acctually happened about 15 years ago, when -- as a young lecturer --
I was asked to give a course on Foundations of Analysis. I was sure at the
time that the students already know the subject matter and they will be
wasting their time listening to me. I was quite surprized, when I entered
the classroom for the first lecture, to find a room packed with students.
I was going to suggest that those who know the subject matter leave the
course, so as not to waste time and energy. I therefore asked the following
question: "Has any one of you, by chance, read the book of Landau:
Foundations of Analysis?"
The class suddenly became very quiet, until a student from the last row
said: "I did not read the book, but I saw the movie."
Weeks later we were laughing, trying to imagin to ourselves how a movie
on Foundation of Analysis could look like.
In the computer industry, there are three
kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and benchmarks.
Yeah, I heard that the Cray 5 was so fast, it takes TWO halt
instructions to terminate a program!
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 10:02:00 PST
From: Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber <JeffRH@ASYMETRIX.COM>
Subject: Programmer Humor
[Forwards truncated]
Q: What do you say to a programmer in a suit and tie ?
A: Will the defendant please rise.
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 16:44:04 EST5EDT
From: R. Russell - test user <RICH@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: 3 COMPUTER NERDS
3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a system's
analyst, and a programmer. The system's analyst is driving and when
they come to a steep hill he finds that the breaks have failed and
the car is accelerating out of control.
So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and
rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car
to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and
take a look."
System's analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to
fix it, a specialist in breaks."
Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens
again?"
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 14:05:16 -0800
From: Michael Smith <MASMITH@CARINS.CARIBOO.BC.CA>
Subject: more funny papers
Yo ho ho and a six pack of Heinekin!
Just received another issue of an internal news letter with more
excerpts from actual science exam papers. Thought I might share some I
haven't seen before.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
(I guess nature really is red in tooth and claw but I wonder if they also
use assault rifles!)
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to a cow instead of a
bull.
We believe that the reptiles came from amphibians by spontaneous
generation and the study of rocks.
When water freezes, you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago
in the wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. (my
favorite:). It has overtones of the _Princess Bride_)
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in
the winter.
It is a well known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
And to really put a sharp point on things:
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes (sic)
have more convulsions.
(oh yes, it is only when I fall to the floor and quiver uncontrollably
that I feel superior to those lowly beasties. They have no idea what
they're missing)
ciao fer now
mike
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 19:29:31 EST
From: Clarity Hands <CLEAN@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Child molester joke <not even disgusting>
What does a skinflint child molestor say to his marks?
"Hey little girl, would you like to BUY some candy?"
Thanks to Gary Rudd of Indiana State for providing this joke.
Hey, guys, don't worry he in the university not the prison.
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 20:03:22 EST
From: Mike Reed <74513.2570@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: JAP Jokes (off to Jews, language)
(J)ewish (A)merican (P)rincess jokes can be told as any ethnic or regional
group, i.e. "Sylvania Houswife" jokes...
____________________
Question: How many JAP's does it take to change a light bulb??
Answer: THREE, One to call the electrician, and Two to make the martinis.
___________________
Question: What does a Jewish American Princess make for dinner??
Answer: Reservations.
__________________
Then there was the observation overheard at the water cooler:
"My woman told me last night to 'Give her 9 inches and hurt her", so I
fucked her 3 times and hit her with a chair... aaaaaah.
And an original thought...
The light at the end of the tunnel may not be a train coming, but if its
red, you may be entering a district where you can get fucked...
__________________
Mike in Toledo
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