Digest for Wednesday, November 02, 1994
There are 21 messages totalling 677 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- 4 lines of verse & a Barbie doll joke
- darkness and virgin wool
- One-liners from the Society of Manaufacturing Engineers
- Man in bar
- potentially offensive to Jews
- In The News - Political, off to Postal workers, hookers, OJ
- for avid fishermen
- cucumbers-better than men/crude
- cucumbers-better than men
- Humor: BBs in the cookies
- Calvin Coolidge Humor (Part 3 of 3)
- Clean Joke
- Offensive to Clinton fans - sexual
- cucumbers-better than men/crude
- Jury Tale
- Humor: 50 elevator pranks...
- Public Service & Govt. humor
- Haloween & the white house.
- A silly joke
- A Christ Joke
- 8 limericks
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 21:30:53 EST
From: Sara Rummelhart <RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: 4 lines of verse & a Barbie doll joke
Attributed to Ted Bundy,
a fellow who had a habit
of killing his dates
Last week in a bar
A guy walked over,
Touched my shoulder,
In the ladies' room.
---
In Keeping up with the times, Mattel is coming out with Divorced Barbie
She comes with all of Ken's stuff.
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 07:51:15 IST
From: Gil Kenny <kennyg@SMTPLINK.INDIGO.CO.IL>
Subject: darkness and virgin wool
Text item: Text_1
A little boy comes home early from school one day and is
concerned to discover that no one is at home. He looks around
the house for his mother and sees that her bedroom door is
closed.
He opens the door to find total darkness and whistles, "Geez, it
sure is dark in here !" All of the sudden there is mad
scampering in the bedroom and a masculine voice from underneath
the bed says, "I'll pay you $ 25 if you never mention that this
happened." The little boy is very happy to accept the money and
swears secrecy.
The next Sunday, the mother takes the little boy to church. He
goes into the confenssional and says, "Geez, it sure is dark in
here!" The priest on the other side says, "Now don't start that
again."
=======
Mrs. Levine found a very attractive black wool suit and purchased
it for $ 300. Later the same day she was in another store and
saw what appeared to be the same suit for $ 49.95. She rushed
back to the first store to complain.
"But Madam," said the salesman, "that copy isn't 100% virgin
wool."
"At these prices," Mrs. Levine protested, "I should care what the
sheep do at night?!"
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 09:35:00 GMT+0800
From: Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T) <MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: One-liners from the Society of Manaufacturing Engineers
A last gasp from me for a month whilst I'm in South Africa.
This has been taken from the Times Higher Education Supplement:
Feedback, the newsleter of Dundee University's department of applied physics
and electronic and mechanical engineering, has been plundering the American
journal Manufacturing Engineering for one-liners submitted by members of the
Society of Manufacturing Engineers. Among the samples: "Maths illiteracy
affects eight out of every five people . . . Change is inevitable, except from
vending machines . . . Never tell a lie, unless lying is your strong point . .
. Start off every day with a smile and get it over with . . ."
Regards
Mike R
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Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994 17:12:37 GMT
From: Paul Costello <MA93PC@CCS.EDGE-HILL-COLLEGE.AC.UK>
Subject: Man in bar <crude>
---------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar and buys a pint of beer. As he is just
about to take a swig from his glass a monkey runs along the bar, puts
its dick in the man's beer, pulls it back out and runs away.
The man is rather upset at this point because his beer is now
undrinkable so he buys himself a fresh pint. Just when he goes to
drink his new beer the same monkey runs along the bar, puts its dick
in the glass, pulls it back out and runs away.
Again, the man is rather disgruntled at his beer being spoiled so
he buys himself yet another pint of beer. This time the man decides
that if the monkey should stick its dick in the beer, he will try his best
to see where it runs to. Sure enough, as he is about to take a sip, the
monkey comes running down the bar, puts its dick in the glass, pulls
it back out and runs away.
The man watches the monkey and sees it run across the room
and jump up onto the piano player's left shoulder. The man walks
across to the piano player, feeling quite annoyed now, and says to
him,
"Do you know you're monkey keeps putting it's dick in my
beer?!!"
"No", says the piano player, "but if you sing it, I'll try to play
along!"
----------------------------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 01:25:00 PST
From: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU>
Subject: potentially offensive to Jews
A young Jewish boy from New York went out west to college.
One day in his senior year he called home and said to his mother,
"Mom. I've got a surprise for you. I'm getting married."
"Lucky you," his mom said. "Finding a nice young Jewish girl
out in a place like Wyoming."
"Mom," his son replied, "she isn't Jewish. She's a Native
American."
The mother fainted and wouldn't talk to him for a month.
When she finally agreed to come to the phone, she said, "If
you're going to marry an Indian, at least bring her home to me."
Her son said, "Mom, we're already decided where to live.
We're moving to the reservation."
The mother fainted again. This time she didn't talk to her
son for six months. When she finally agreed to come to the
phone, her son said, "Mom, I've got some good news this time.
You're going to be a grandmother."
She hesitated, then said, "A grandmother is not a bad thing
to be." Feeling pleased for the first time, she called once a
month to find out how things were. Then one day she heard from
her son. "Mom, I've got great news. We've just had a son. And
we've decided to give him a Jewish name."
The mother smiled. "Ahh. A Jewish name for my grandson.
What is it?"
"Smoked Whitefish."
For his fortieth birthday the nice Jewish boy received the
usual two ties from his mother, this time a paisley and a solid.
When he picked her up for dinner that night wearing the solid,
his mother took one look and said, "So what's wrong with the
paisley?"
"My mother is the most fanatical housekeeper in the world,"
Mel Goldstein said to a friend.
"How so?"
"Last time I was home, I got up in the night to go to the
bathroom. When I got back, my bed was made."
Where could you find a Jewish couple who have lived in perfect
happiness for a decade?
A Jewish mother and her ten-year-old son.
A Jewish man picked up the phone and dialed. When a voice answered, e
he asked, "Mother, how are you?"
"Fine."
"Sorry. I have the wrong number."
Jack Kolb
IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 00:55:26 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Political, off to Postal workers, hookers, OJ
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Secret Service agents knew that Francisco Duran, the upholsterer who
shot at the White House on Saturday, wasn't a postal worker. He got the
address right.
Dan Quayle predicts that 50 out of the 100 US Senate seats will be
Republican next year. He added, "That's almost half!"
The trial for alleged Hollywood madam Heidi Feliss will begin soon. The
judge wasn't amused when she tried charging him $100 for the court date.
During Prince Charles' LA visit, police will be giving him the standard
treatment afforded all dignitaries - a motorcade of 50 squad cars will
be escorting his white Ford Bronco.
Among surprises in the recent sex survey:
Most common sites for sex other than bedroom: Car, living room and Oval
Office.
Most common teen age male sex fantasy: a partner.
Oddly enough, men finished the survey more quickly than women.
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 07:00:44 -0400
From: Serge Matulich <Serge.Matulich@ROLLINS.EDU>
Subject: for avid fishermen
I hope I did not send this before. If I did, I apologize.
I heard this one years ago, but it may be new to some of you.
Four avid fishermen arrived in the Canadian lake region for a week
of fishing. As they were ready to depart for the fishing, one of them
realized that they would be hungry when they get back.
"One of us has to stay behind and cook," he suggested. After some
discussion, the four decided to draw straws, and the one with the
short straw would stay behind. But the first time someone
complained about the cooking, he would have to take over as cook.
The man who drew the short straw did a nice job of cooking a meal
when the other three returned from their fishing for lunch. They
talked excitedly about the fish they caught, about they fights the fish
gave them, and so on. No one complained about lunch, nor at
dinner time when they ate the day's catch.
The next day the cook realized that if he did a very good job of
cooking, he would never have a chance to fish, so he threw together
the worst meal he could come up with. But again no one
complained about the food, although they did have some trouble
getting it down.
The third day the cook felt he had to do something drastic. So he
walked down the road toward a place that boarded horses, and
picked up some roadapples (polite term for horse manure). He
cooked a nice looking meat pie, but instead of meat, filled it with the
manure. He waited expectantly as his three friends returned for
lunch from their morning of fishing.
As they sampled the day's dish, one of them wrinkled up his nose
and said, "My God, this stuff tastes like horse manure," then quickly
added "and it's cooked just the way I like it."
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 07:56:11 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: cucumbers-better than men/crude
Thanks to D. Luchinski
21 REASONS WHY CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
1. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
2. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
3. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
4. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
5. A cucumber won't want to come on your face.
6. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
7. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on
the pillow.
8. A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
9. You won't find out that a cucumber is: married,
on penicillin, or trying to screw your sister.
10. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're
asleep.
11. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
12. A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
13. All cucumbers are fresh and juicy.
14. You can keep as many cucumbers as you want.
15. Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your
house.
16. Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like.
17. Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you
take care of them when they get sick.
18. But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME.
19. Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at
the same time.
20. Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind
of cucumber.
21. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you.
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 08:17:49 -0600
From: Christopher Hawk <chawk@FIREFLY.PRAIRIENET.ORG>
Subject: Re: cucumbers-better than men
But!
Cucumbers won't take out the trash or cut the grass....
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 09:37:00 -0500
From: Matthew Grob <Matthew.Grob@MCHIS.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject: Humor: BB's in the cookies <risque>
Mother was in the kitchen one day making chocolate-chip cookies. With
the telephone handset balanced on her shoulder, she was speaking with a
friend, not totally concentrating on the task at hand. When it came
time to add the chocolate chips to the cookie dough, she accidently
reached for a jar of BB pellets that was sitting nearby. Not realizing
the error she had made, she baked the cookies and served them to her
family.
The next day, her husband came to her and said that the oddest thing had
happened. As he was urinating, BB pellets had come out in the stream,
clinking into the toilet bowl. Mom thought this was odd and tried
thinking what could have caused it. A little while later, daughter Mary
came in complaining that when she urinated, BBs had come out in the
stream. Now somewhat frantic, Mom wracked her brain, searching for an
answer. As she looked around the kitchen trying to think what she might
have fed her family that would have resulted in such an odd reaction,
her gaze fell on the jar of BBs sitting right next to the jar of
chocolate chip and realized the mistake she must have made. Somewhat
relieved that her family was simply passing the pellets with no other
apparent side-effects, she relaxed and was even a bit amused by the
mix-up.
A short while later, son Johnny came running into the kitchen. "Mom,
Mom," he shouted, "I was in the bathroom and . . ." but before he could
finish, Mom said, "I know, I know. You were urinating and BBs came
out." "No," he replied, "I was jerking-off and I shot the dog!"
****
For international readers, "BBs" are small, round metal pellets
that are often used as ammunition for target practice and are also used
to fill shotgun cartridges.
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 10:36:46 EST
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Calvin Coolidge Humor (Part 3 of 3)
-- [ From: Keith E. Sullivan * EMC.Ver #2.01P ] --
I think one of the United States' most humorous presidents has to have
been a man known as "Silent Cal" (Calvin Coolidge (1923-1929)). The
following excerpts about President Coolidge are from the book
PRESIDENTIAL ANECDOTES by Paul F. Boller, Jr.:
SENATOR BORAH
According to a popular (but spurious) story, Coolidge was riding in his
car through Rock Creek Park in Washington one day and spied Senator
William Borah, the great Republican independent from Idaho, on
horseback. They chatted for a moment. Then, as Borah rode away,
Coolidge chuckled: "Must bother the Senator to be going in the same
direction as the horse!"
HOBBY
"What is your hobby?" a woman asked him. "Holding office," drawled
Coolidge.
CHEESE SANDWICHES
Colonel Edmund W. Starling, Secret Service guard for the President,
took afternoon walks with Coolidge. When they returned, Coolidge would
take Starling to the butler's pantry and make two sandwiches of Vermont
cheese, one for himself and one for Starling. He cut the cheese
carefully and measured the sandwiches one against the other; if they
weren't equal, he would shave off a little more cheese to make them
balance. Then he would give one to Starling, and they would sit down
and eat them. The cheese, said Starling, was as stong as a billygoat.
One day Coolidge said, "I'll bet no other President of the United
States ever made cheese sandwiches for you." "No," said Starling.
"It's a great honor." Added Coolidge gloomily: "I have to furnish the
cheese too."
STANDING UP
A woman who heard Coolidge speak at Madison Square Garden in October
1932, rushed up to him afterward and exclaimed: "Oh, Mr. Coolidge,
what a wonderful adress! I Stood up all through it!" "So did I," said
Coolidge.
DEPRESSION
Just before the 1932 election, actor Otis Skinner said, "Oh, Mr.
Coolidge, I wish if were you we were going to vote for in November. It
would be the end of this horrible depression." "It would be the
beginning of mine," replied Coolidge.
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 11:04:58 -0400
From: Brian Cyr <S29208%MOTHER@UTRCGW.UTC.COM>
Subject: Clean Joke <possibly off. to blondes and...>
A man went to a doctor, looking for an operation to make his
hair permanently blonde. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when
he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the
procedure would require the removal of over half of his brain.
The man insisted, however, so the doctor agreed.
Since the doctor had a brand new laser device which could zap
just the right portions of brain tissue in an office procedure,
the operation was planned immediately. The laser was hooked up to
a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice
LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began
ticking off: 120, 118, 116...
Suddenly the phone rang - it was the doctor's wife. They talked
for quite a while, the doctor forgetting completely about his
patient. When he hung up, he suddenly realized what he had
forgotten, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter
tick down: 6, 5, 4... He ran to the machine and hit the power
switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant
of brain.
"Oh my God!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to
me! Say anything!!" The man looked at him and said, "Hi, you're
watching MTV, and we just heard..."
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 11:36:39 -0500
From: Thomas Rowe <trowe@UWSPMAIL.UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Offensive to Clinton fans - sexual
What does Bill Clinton say to Hilary after having sex?
(pretend to hold phone in hand) "I'll be home in about 20 minutes."
------------------
What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A handfull of sheet.
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 11:43:38 -0500
From: Bo Peng <bo@SAAVIK.CEM.MSU.EDU>
Subject: Re: cucumbers-better than men/crude
> 21. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you.
>
22. You get to choose the cucumbers you raise -- just pick the one with a
good size.
23. When cucumbers get old and lose juice, you simply throw them in trash,
and have the next-best-thing to remove it.
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 11:43:07 EST
From: Allan McKellar <allan_mckellar@IBMUK.E-MAIL.COM>
Subject: Jury Tale
-------------------- Mail Item Text Follows ------------------
To: INTERNET--IBMMAIL
From : Allan McKellar
Subject: Jury Tale
Juries are always told that their task is solely to return a verdict
of guilty, not guilty or (in Scotland) not proven.
One jury in the Australian outback, however, refused to follow the
judicial advice. In a cattle-stealing case they used their local
knowledge and found the accused "not guilty provided he returns the cows".
Faced with the judge's wrath for not bringing in a proper verdict they
retired again only to return this time finding the accused "not guilty
and he doesn't need to return the cows".
Uncle Matt - are you still out there ?
Allan
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 13:55:56 -0400
From: Sometimes I really wish I could be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: 50 elevator pranks...
50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space."
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall. Don't get off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until
you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
"Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one
of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex
to other passengers.
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
(Credit to Alan Meise)
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 14:55:45 -0500
From: Bret Jacobsen <STERLINGJULI@BVC.EDU>
Subject: Public Service & Govt. humor
Dear fellow HUMORists,
I am posting this as a public service. I understand it is NOT
humorous but HUMOR is a very large list.
Obligatory Humor:
If pro is for something, and con is against it, why do we have CONgress?
Now for the important message:
PLEASE PASS THIS ON AND CROSS POST TO ALL NEWSGROUPS NO MATTER HOW
INAPPROPRIATE...
2 Children are missing due to a car-jacking in South Carolina.
One boy is 3 1/2 and his younger brother is 13 months (approx.)
They were taken during a car-jacking.
The license plate number is GBK-167 (South Carolina). It's a burgundy
4-door Mazda with a USC (Univ. S. Carolina) bumper sticker plus a dent
on the front bumper.
Please report ANY information to 1-800-522-5681 or your local FBI
office.
Lets ALL lend a hand and help these kids get back to their parents if
we can.
AGAIN PLEASE CROSS POST TO EVERY PART OF THE NET THAT YOU THINK WOULD
HELP SPREAD THE WORD.
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 17:54:02 MEX
From: Antonio Oliveros <OLIVEROS@IBERO.UIA.MX>
Subject: Haloween & the white house.
Hi everybody, due to the lack of time i had last two weeks, i couldn't read
all the posts in the list for the last two weeks ( I hope i can read all of the
m tommorow whitout geting fired of my job ) =) an d now, hoping nobody had come
with something like this, a question:
I heard that on october 31st, a guy fired a shotgun at the white house, my q
uestion is : Will the defense of this guy will allegate he was asking for trick
or treat???
No more silly questions for now, I will try to come back to at least a post a w
eek. bye for now.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Antonio Oliveros. | ////// | DON'T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY,
Iberoamericana University.| // 00 | YOU WILL NEVER GET OUT OF IT
Mexico City. | |@ > | ALIVE.
----------------------------oOo--------oOO------------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 15:08:11 -0500
From: Keith Willauer <synapse@VT.EDU>
Subject: A silly joke <with some profanity>
Why are turds tapered?
So your asshole doesn't slam shut.
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Date: Fri, 4 Nov 1994 12:00:54 JST
From: Chris <KOXCW@JPNKIT.BITNET>
Subject: A Christ Joke <Off. To Religious Types>
Q: Why doesn't Christ eat M & M's?
A: Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.
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Date: Thu, 3 Nov 1994 21:53:44 EST
From: Angel Dey <DEY@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: 8 limericks <adult themes; some rude words>
In Wall Street a girl named Irene
Made an offering somewhat obscene:
She stripped herself bare
And offered a share
To Merrill Lynch, Fenner and Beane.
THE BISHOP OF BIRMINGHAM
There were two young ladies of Birmingham,
And this is the story concerning 'em:
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em.
The Bishop was nobody's fool -
He'd been to a large public school;
He took down his britches
And diddled those bitches
With his ten-inch Episcopal tool.
But that didn't bother those two;
They said as the Bishop withdrew;
"Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you."
I once knew a very queer lass
Who had a triangular ass.
Now it might sound absurd
But the shape of her turd
Was a stately pyramidal mass!
A thrifty old man named McEwen
Inquired, "Why bother with screwing?
It's safer and cleaner
To finger your weiner,
And besides you can see what you're doing."
There was a young lady of Worcester
Who complained that so many men goosed her.
So over her caper
She laid some sandpaper
Now they goose her much less than they used ter.
A habit obscene and unsavory
Holds the Bishop of Wessex in slavery.
With maniacal howls
He deflowers young owls
Which he keeps in an underground aviary.
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