Digest for Friday, December 02, 1994

Topics of the day:

1. Dahmer - WARNING - GROSS!!!
2. Top Stories of 1994, Pt. I
3. Noot sure says (writes) some funny things
4. The Best of Will Rogers
5. Jeffrey Dahmer
6. Dog jokes
7. Religion through the ages (not offensive)

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Date:    Sat, 3 Dec 1994 04:26:49 GMT
From:    Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: Dahmer - WARNING - GROSS!!!

One night, before he was arrested, Jeffery Dahmer was having dinner with
his mother. She said, "You know Jeffery, I really don't like some of
your friends."

He responded, "Have you tried the salad?"

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Date:    Sat, 3 Dec 1994 07:47:00 EST
From:    Jim Rosenberg <abco100@NR.INFI.NET>
Subject: Top Stories of 1994, Pt. I <mildly offensive to the living>

From rough draft of my Top Stories of 1994 Article:

The Chunnel, a $13.3 billion underwater tunnel between England and France,
opens for business. Inexplicably, passengers arrive in Paris, but their
luggage winds up in the luggage carousel at the new Denver International
Airport.

Paula Corbin Jones accuses President Clinton of directing state troopers to
lure her into an Arkansas hotel room where he lewdly dropped his trousers
and said "it's clear you want me, cupid." Clinton admits to being in the
hotel room, but claims all he said was "it's the economy, stupid."

Fighting sexual harassment charges, Oregon Senator Bob Packwood refuses to
hand over his diaries to the Senate Ethics Committee. He partially
capitulates, agreeing to surrender seventeen boxed and indexed sets of his
"Letters to Penthouse."

Francisco Martin Duran fires 20-30 shots at White House. Fortunately,
President Clinton is upstairs watching a football game. Unfortunately,
Secret Service agents are downstairs watching some of Justice Clarence
Thomas' porno tapes, and "In The Line of Fire" for the millionth time.

Scientists at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory near Chicago report
finding the "top quark" - the sixth and last category of the smallest unit
of matter. The celebration lasts until dawn when the drunken mob of
pocket-protected Ph.D's makes a panty raid at the home of Marilyn Vos Savant.

Saudi Arabian Prince al-Waleed bin Talal bin Abdulazia al-Saud rescues
Euro-Disney with $439 million in new capital. The amusement park is
immediately renamed "Prince al-Waleed bin Talal bin Abdulazia al-Saud Land."

Pope John Paul II releases "On Reserving Priestly Ordination to Men Alone."
Catholic men everywhere get a taste of celibacy for a few angry weeks.

The FDA approves additional genetically enhanced vegetables: 3 tomatoes, 1
squash, 1 potato, and an improved variant of Strom Thurmond.

A federal court forces The Citadel to admit Shannon Faulkner, its first
female cadet. Claiming she is only being treated "equally," administrators
insist she shave her head, wear a jock strap, and put up Kathy Ireland posters.

The Tennessee Health Department confirms its original 1977 Coroner's Report
which found that Elvis died of heart disease, not a drug overdose. In a
press conference at an Iowa Burger King, Elvis announces that he "feels
vindicated."

A Randolph County, Alabama high school principal cancels the prom over
opposition to interracial dating. He receives substantial support from many
small- town Alabamans who not only date in their own race, but in their own
immediate family.

Women's rights groups are irate upon learning that landmark breast cancer
research was performed exclusively on male subjects. Later, activists admit
that Fabio does have fairly typical breasts, though a much smaller brain.

-- Jim Rosenberg

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Date:    Sat, 3 Dec 1994 09:28:18 EST
From:    Sim Webster <WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET>
Subject: Noot sure says (writes) some funny things <adult themes>

For some reason I find it hard to believe that Newt Gingrich is
going be a successful Speak of the House. The following was
published in USA Today, Dec 2, 94, p. 4A:

NEWT'S NOVEL: House Speaker-to-be Newt Gringrich said he's instructed
his publisher to remove from a novel he is co-authoring a reference to
a "goofy" guy named George Bush. *The Washington Post* disclosed
Gingrich is a part-time novelist and the book has some steamy scenes.
Gingrich said in a statement: "I neither wrote, saw nor approved the
reference to the president. I have instructed the publisher to
eliminate the chapter." Gingrich called the work "an historical
science fiction treatment treatment of World War II and its after-
math." *The Washington Post*'s "Reliable Source" writer Lois
Romano, noting some manuscript chapters would be the subject of an
article in the upcoming *New York Times Sunday Magazine*, said the book
also contains this scene:

"Suddenly, the pouting sex kitten gave way to Diana the Huntress.
She rolled onto him and somehow was sitting athwart, his chest, her
knees pinning his shoulders. 'Tell me, or I will make you do
terrible things,' she hissed." Said Gingrich, a former history
professor <West Georgia College -- he never got tenure>: "It is my
hope the book will be entertaining and intellectually appealing to
a general audience."


The idea that this jerk could be elected by a major political party
to be its leader reminds me of Neil Postman's book *Amusing ourselves
to Death*. :-)

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Date:    Sat, 3 Dec 1994 14:20:41 EST
From:    KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: The Best of Will Rogers

-- [ From: Keith E. Sullivan * EMC.Ver #2.10P ] --

From a "Reader's Digest" article "The Best of Will Rogers" which was
condensed from the book _The Best of Will Rogers_, published by Crown
Publishers, Inc., 1979.

I love a dog.  He does nothing for political reasons.

Congress is so strange.  A man gets up to speak and says nothing,
nobody listens and then everybody disagrees.

Never blame a legislative body for not doing something.  When they do
nothing, they don't hurt anybody.  When they do something is when they
become dangerous.

I really can't see any advantage of having one of your party in as
President.  I would rather be able to critize a man than have to
apologize for him.

I't's no disgrace not to be able to run a country nowadays, but it is a
disgrace to keep trying when you know you can't.

It looks to me like any man that wants to be President in times like
these lacks something.

They've already started arguing over who will be the speaker at next
year's conventions.  What they better worry about is who is going to
listen.

There should be a moratorium called candidates' speeches.  From now on,
they are just talking themselves out of votes.

A President-elect's popularity is the shortest lived of any public
man's.  It only lasts till he picks his Cabinet.

The promising season ends on Election Day.  That same night, the alibi
season begins and lasts for the next four years.

Our government is the only people that just love to spend money without
being compelled to, at all.  But the government is the only people that
don't have to worry where it is coming from.

Last year we said:  "Things can't go on like this!"  And they didn't --
they got worse.

In Washington, yesterday, everybody I tried to talk to was a
Presidential candidate.  Both houses spent all week arguing politics.
Did you ever figure it out?  They are the only people that are paid to
do one job and do every other one there is but that.

Lord, the money we do spend on government, and it's not a bit better
than the government that we got for one-third the money 20 years ago.

This inflation was brought on by the actions of many peoples of the
whole world, and its weight will be lifted by the actions of many
peoples of the whole world, and not only by a Republican or a Democrat.

With old inflation riding the headlines, I have read till I am bleary-
eyed.  We are living in an age of explanations, but no two things
that've been done to us have been explained twice the same way, by even
the same man.

When it comes to a showdown, Washington must never forget who rules --
the people.

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Date:    Sat, 3 Dec 1994 15:13:19 -0400
From:    Susan Jennings <JENNINGSSL@CONRAD.APPSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Jeffrey Dahmer <sick>

Do you know why Jeffrey Dahlmer was killed around Thanksgiving?

Answer: Mass hysteria broke out when he asked "White meat or Dark?"

Susan Jennings
Appalachian State University

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Date:    Sat, 3 Dec 1994 16:19:55 -0500
From:    Keith Willauer <synapse@VT.EDU>
Subject: Dog jokes <mild sexual profanity>

What can you do with a dog that has no legs?


Take him for a drag.
------
What do you call a dog with no legs?


Nothing, he can't come when you call him, anyhow.
------
(An old one)
Why do dogs lick their balls?


Because they can.

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Date:    Sat, 3 Dec 1994 17:00:37 -0600
From:    Ian Chai <spectre@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Religion through the ages (not offensive)

My roommate's Catholic and we were just discussing last night how
religious thought has changed over the centuries in Europe and the
Middle East (as opposed to the Far East.)

Earlier, they had
        polytheism      - worship of many gods
then, they had
        monotheism      - worship of One God
and now, they have
        monopolytheism  - worship of money.

We in the Far East (at least in the non-Muslim communities) seem to be
doing it in a different order -- polytheism, monopolytheism, then
monotheism. 8-)

God bless,
        Ian

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