Digest for Saturday, December 03, 1994
There are 12 messages totalling 421 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Suggestive Joke (offensive to women)
- Clean - Flame reply
- Dog Joke
- look, its the year of the coffee bean (poem)
- Woman Joke
- My Daddy has 2 of Them (Adult theme)
- Laughter Rx (fwd)
-
- bobbit in India
- Restaurant humor
-
- Humor: 50 ways to confuse your roommate...1 of 2...
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Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 12:30:41 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Re: Suggestive Joke (offensive to women)
On Thu, 1 Dec 1994, Keith Willauer wrote:
> What is the definition of a perfect woman?
>
> Waist high with a flat head you can set your beer on.
>
Isn't she supposed to be without teeth as well?
Some guys prefer them with large ears. (isn't the reason obvious?)
ariel :-)
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Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 10:46:17 CST
From: Charles Hightower <chigh@MGMSERV1.MGM.SAIC.COM>
Subject: Clean - Flame reply
Found this in the bagpipe mailist
I found it funny, anyway.
Charles
--------------------------
Odlin,
When you attacked my knowledge of Delrin and polymers, specifics of which
you couldn't hope to comprehend, I was gracious in reply.
I would love to get into a spitting contest with you this time. You of
coarse being The Pseudo Intellectual, Self Anointed High Priest of
Plagiarized Opinions and Drivel.
It is obvious though that you being retired, incarcerated or
institutionalized have an infinite time advantage to sit and read Piping
Times and borrow snappy phrases like "dog whistle chanters" etc..
I must therefor formally yield to your superior ability to bore me to
death.
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Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 14:33:14 EST
From: John Norborne Doyle <ZJD1@ETSU.EAST-TENN-ST.EDU>
Subject: Dog Joke <Some may find offensive>
One time there were these two drunk guys in a bar and they see a dog in
the corner licking it'self in the balls.
The first drunk guy looks at the second and says "I sure wish that I
could do that." The second drunk guy looks at the first and says "Well,
you probably could. But I bet you'd have to pet him first."
****************************************************************
*** Happy Holidays from John Norborne Doyle ***
*** E-Mail: zjd1@etsu.east-tenn-st.edu (Primary Address) ***
*** zjd1@etsu.bitnet (Secondary Address) ***
*** jdoyle@grex.cyberspace.org (Secondary Address) ***
****************************************************************
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Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 14:31:04 EST
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: look, it's the year of the coffee bean (poem)
-- [ From: Keith E. Sullivan * EMC.Ver #2.10P ] --
This is a little poem I wrote a few years ago while I was still in
college.
look
it's the year of the coffee bean
l--k
it's already one a.m.
the concert was great
but i have an exam
tomorrow at eight
three cups of maxwell house
lOOk
it's the year of the coffee bean
l--k
it's already two a.m.
i've now seen casablanca
nine or ten times
but i have a paper that's due
in philosophy by two
four cups of folgers
lOOk
it's the year of the coffee bean
l--k
it's already three a.m.
the prom was supreme
i had a date with the queen
and the lights of the city
were the brightest i've seen
but i have a final tomorrow
in government at two
five cups of french roast
lOOk
it's the year of the coffee bean
l--k
i've studied all night
and most of the morn
it's time for the tezzzzzzzzz
l--k
it's the year of the coffee bean
Copyright(c) 1984 by Keith E. Sullivan
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Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 15:01:37 EST
From: John Norborne Doyle <ZJD1@ETSU.EAST-TENN-ST.EDU>
Subject: Woman Joke <Women may be offended>
What's the difference between a woman and a toilet seat?
- The toilet seat won't follow you around for days after you use it once.
****************************************************************
*** Happy Holidays from John Norborne Doyle ***
*** E-Mail: zjd1@etsu.east-tenn-st.edu (Primary Address) ***
*** zjd1@etsu.bitnet (Secondary Address) ***
*** jdoyle@grex.cyberspace.org (Secondary Address) ***
****************************************************************
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Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 15:53:31 -0500
From: Corey Wetzel <CDW4@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: My Daddy has 2 of Them (Adult theme)
During a review of anatomy one day the teacher was pointing to parts of the
body on a diagram and would ask the class to identify the parts. While
reviewing the reproductive organs the teacher pointed to an area of the female
and asked the class what the area was called.
Sally raised her hand and, when called on by the teacher, replied "That is a
vagina, teacher."
"Very good, Sally. Now who can tell me what this is?" said the teacher
pointing to the male sex organ. Little Johnnie's hand was the only one to go
up, but the teacher didn't really want to call on him because in the past
little Johnnie had been somewhat less than polite with his anatomical names.
The teacher waited a moment, but still no other hands, so she called on
Johnnie, warning him first "Go ahead Johnnie, but watch what you say."
Little Johnnie replied "That's a penis, teacher."
"Very good, Johnnie," the teacher replied.
"Yep, that's a penis all right, and my Daddy has TWO of them!" Johnnie said.
"No Johnnie, I think you're mistaken," responded the shocked teacher.
"Oh no I'm not," said Johnnie. "My Daddy has one about this long (holding his
hands about 4-5" apart) that he goes to the bathroom with, and one about this
long (holding his hands about 9-10" apart) that he brushes Mommy's teeth
with!"
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Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 16:51:23 -0500
From: The Skeptic <z900672a@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Laughter Rx (fwd)
Why is it good to laugh? Besides making you feel happier it also has
astonishing health benefits. According to "Everyday Health Tips" by the
editors of Prevention Magazine (Rodale Press, 1988), a good laugh changes
blood pressure (first it rises sharply during laughter, but lowers BELOW
the starting point afterwards). It reduces muscle tension, improves
digestion and--if you laugh until you cry--can release tears that contain
bacteria-killing agents.
Cathy Perlmutter (contributor for this book's "Laughter is Good Medicine"
chapter) also pointed out several off-beat ways to add laughter to your
life such as taking a "laugh break" during the day. Either listening to
vintage comics on tape or reading favorite humor books for a good laugh
three or four times a day will lift you out of the dumps. Start looking
for funny happenings in your life and what you read in the news. Find a
funny friend. "One man told me that Rodney Dangerfield was his favorite
funny guy," said Dr. Goodman. "Whenever things got tough, he would say
to himself, one of Dangerfield's better lines: 'Look out for number
one, and don't step on number two' to see him through tough situations.
Dr.Joel Goodman is a laughter expert, director of The HUMOR Project at
the Saratoga Institute (in Saratoga Springs, NY) and editor of "Laughing
Matters" magazine. He highly recommended internalizing your funny
friend's view point into your own life. "Use that person as an 'internal
ally'. The next time the going gets rough, ask yourself the following
questions: 'How would this person see this situation I'm in? What would
this person do or say if he or she were in my shoes?'", said Dr. Goodman.
The good doctor tries to take his work seriously, but himself lightly.
One last exercise he suggested is a one-minute sketch of something that
is causing you stress (but first close your eyes and draw with your wrong
hand). Invariblely, when you open your eyes and smile at the result.
So crack a smile today, Sandy Cowling
Aditya Mishra
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Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 17:20:11 -0500
From: The Skeptic <z900672a@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: <No subject given>
STATE SECRETS: Japan's parliament may open up their extensive collection
of pornography for public viewing. The collection includes examples
of books and magazines that were declared obscene and banned from
circulation. A National Diet Library spokesman said the collection
could be used by social scientists studying the evolution of Japan's
public morals. (Reuter) ...It will also do more to boost library
usage than any plan yet conceived.
CRASH COURSE: New York City police officers will be required to take new
driver safety courses after being involved in more than 3300
accidents last year. Most of the accidents occurred during routine
driving, not on lights-and-siren emergency calls. 1230 officers were
injured in traffic accidents last year; only 20 were wounded by
gunfire. (AP) ...Easy: just leave the siren on all the time.
ROYAL VISIT: To drunken 17-year-old boys from Eton school who wanted to
meet the queen triggered a security alert when they climbed the wall
and staggered onto the grounds of Windsor Castle. Police released
them back to the school, where Prince William is expected to go to
school soon. (Reuter) ...In England, weirdos try to slip into the
queen's bedroom for a friendly chat. In the U.S., they pepper the
White House with assault rifles.
BOGUS BAGMEN: Sheriff deputies in Ocala, Fla., thought they had a good
thing going. They set up a fake law firm and sent letters to
fugitives, saying they qualified for cash settlements from a class-
action lawsuit. They intended to arrest the bad guys when they came
in to collect, but when an attorney informed the sheriff that
impersonation of a lawyer is a crime in Florida, the sting operation
was called off. (AP) ...It wouldn't have worked anyway: bad guys know
you never get anything for free from lawyers.
THERE GOES MY KNIGHTHOOD: "Ceremonial Sword Stolen from Windsor Castle"
-- Reuter headline
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Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 17:21:15 -0500
From: The Skeptic <z900672a@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: bobbit in India
Date: Fri, 02 Dec 94 09:19:41 EST
From: Kashi R Bilwakesh <bilwakek@ccmail.ae.ge.com>
Subject: Lorena in India ??
I saw the following item in a recent edition of the India News in the network.
===========
BOBBITISED' MLA PUTS LALOO IN A TIGHT SPOT
PATNA - Mr Yogendra Narain Sardar, the Janata Dal MLA who represents the
Chatapur reserved constituency in Supaul dist, is the latest to join the
list of Bihar politicians of dubious character. The 'Bobbitised' legislator,
the main accused in a rape case, after reportedly remaining in a Patna
nursing home for about 4 days has evaded arrest and is believed to have
escaped to Nepal.
=============
Bobbitised ?? Do they really mean what I think they mean ?? Wow !! Hooray
Lorena ! Make a few more clones of yourself and send them to India. They
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Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 17:20:42 -0500
From: Keith Willauer <synapse@VT.EDU>
Subject: Restaurant humor
Some laws of the kitchen:
People who order filet mignon well done will not be able to tell if it was
microwaved.
If you did a lot of prep, it will be a slow night. If you did no prep, it
will be busy.
The customers who walk in right before closing will order the dish which is
most difficult to prepare.
The spoiled, screaming brat will always sit in your section and make a
mess. The parents will express their sympathy by leaving a 10% tip.
The manager trying to tell you what to do during a slam is unaware that he
is getting in the way and would be more helpful if he sat in the office
doing paperwork.
In a redneck area, medium and well are the same thing.
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Date: Mon, 5 Dec 1994 12:20:58 JST
From: Mike Mcmurray <DSMMN2@JPNKIT.BITNET>
Subject: <profane, adult theme>
Twas the night before Chirstmas
And all through the house
Everybody felt crappy
Even the mouse,
Mom at the whorehouse
And dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
For a nice piece of Ass,
When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
To see what was the matter,
Then out on the lawn
I saw a big d***
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick,
He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The sucker had fell,
He filled all our stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber d***
For my brother the queer,
He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son of B****
Blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed
As he road out of sight
Piss on you all
And have a Hell of a Night!
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Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 22:26:44 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: 50 ways to confuse your roommate...1 of 2...
50 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE
(Part I)
"By Brian and Andy"
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of
your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually
work up to big things, and eventually glue everything he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in
the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If
your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more
than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a
kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance
art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off
when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you
think the dog ate.
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