Digest for Monday, January 02, 1995
There are 11 messages totalling 867 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Student Bloopers
- The sharpest thing (rude)
- Foreign Legion Gag (Rudish)
- Excellent Irish Gag ! (Off. to Irish if they cant take a joke)
- Offensive to Af-Am & As-Am
- The definitive Palindrome listing
- Time to start MS Jokes(Offensive to Micro Soft)
- Pro Wrestling (off. to Hulk Hogan?)
- Bastard Operator From Hell Part 3 of 14 >Nastiness, Language<
- Humor: Some amusing recent news (from TJI)...
- G- spot (Offensive to Women?)
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Date: Tue, 3 Jan 1995 02:32:22 +0001
From: Axel Gerhard <axel@SPARTAN.AC.BROCKU.CA>
Subject: Student Bloopers
The following bloopers are from a list of bloopers compiled by Richard
Lederer of St.Paul's School, entitled 'The World According to Student
Bloopers'.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert
are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the
shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains
between France and Spain.
The Rennassance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,
being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest
in the female nude that made him the father of the Rennaissance. It was
an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he envented cigarettes.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's it for now. I might post some more of these 'gems' in a day or so.
Axel Gerhard
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Date: Tue, 3 Jan 1995 12:07:26 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: The sharpest thing (rude)
What is the sharpest thing that exists?
A fart since it penetrates 2 layers of garment without cutting them.
ariel
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Date: Tue, 3 Jan 1995 13:23:53 GMT
From: Pete Laker <plaker@VNET.IBM.COM>
Subject: Foreign Legion Gag (Rudish)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This bloke joinsthe foreign Legion, and after a couple of weeks he begins to
get a bit randy. As there are no women at all in the fort, he decides to seek
counsil with his captain. "Sir," he says, "I don't know how long I can cope
without sex, what does everyone else do ?". To which his captain answers "Oh,
that's simple, once a month we use the camels."
So he shrugs his shoulders and, at the end of the month, he slips out of his
bed, gets a suitable step ladder and picks the least unattractive camel he can,
and I'll leave the rest to your imagination !
Anyway, It's not long before the captain comes looking to see why the camels
are making so much noise and sees our randy chap in full swing. "Hoy, what are
you doing to that camel ?", the captain asks. "You said, once a month you use
the camels !" he replies. "NO NO NO," the captain yells, "ONCE A MONTH WE USE
THE CAMELS TO GET INTO TOWN, FIND A BROTHEL ...."
Harty Har Har ! Happy New Year Folks !
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Oh, by the way, I'm still looking for more 9-5ers (GMT) who want to swap the
occasional message to brighten up the old mail box at work. Get in touch.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Jan 1995 14:38:43 GMT
From: Pete Laker <plaker@VNET.IBM.COM>
Subject: Excellent Irish Gag ! (Off. to Irish if they can't take a joke)
Here's one that Mat Diss (a fellow HUMORist but can't be arsed to contribute)
sent me, so I'm doing his dirty work 'cause it made ME laugh.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Two Irishmen standing on a cliff with their arms outstretched, one has some
budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up.
After a couple of minutes, they leap off the cliff.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one says to the
other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping", the other replies
"Yea, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Good one Mat.
PS.Following my quest for people to brighten up my mail box ... NO ANORAKS !!
Byeeeeeee ! Pete.
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Jan 1995 11:11:29 -0500
From: Jim Davis <jdavis@ADMIN.ALLEG.EDU>
Subject: Offensive to Af-Am & As-Am
Did you hear about the Vietnamese couple who adopted the black baby with
AIDS?
They named it "Coon Soon Die"
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Jan 1995 12:10:46 CST
From: Sara B. Grimes <VMSARAG@VETMED.VETMED.MISSOURI.EDU>
Subject: The definitive Palindrome listing
A dog, a plan, a canal: pagoda.
Rats live on no evil star.
Straw, no, too stupid a fad, I put soot on warts.
I roamed under it as a tired, nude Maori.
Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo,
Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida,
Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina,
Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl,
Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden,
Noel, and Ellen sinned.
A man, a plan, a canal; Panama?
A man, a plan, a cat, a canal; Panama?
A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal--Panama!
Go deliver a dare, vile dog.
Doc note, I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.
PALINDROMIC POEM:
Mood's mode!
Pallas, I won!
(Diaper pane, sold entire.)
Melt till ever sere, hide it.
Drown a more vile note;
(Tar of rennet.)
Ah, trowel, baton, eras ago.
The reward? A "nisi." Two nag.
Otary tastes putrid, yam was green.
Odes up and on; stare we.
Rats nod. Nap used one-erg saw.
(May dirt upset satyr?)
A toga now; 'tis in a drawer, eh?
Togas are notable.
(Worth a tenner for Ate`.)
Tone liver. O Man, word-tied I.
Here's revel!
Little merit, Ned? Lose, Nap?
Repaid now is all apedom's doom.
Tarzan raised a Desi Arnaz rat.
Able was I, ere I saw Elba!
If I had a hi-fi
A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, hero's, rajahs, a coloratura,
maps, snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan,
a tag, a banana bag again, or: a camel, a crepe, pins, spam,
a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal, Panama!
A man, a plan, a cat, a canal; Panama?
A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal--Panama!
A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps,
snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a
banana bag again (or a camel), a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo,
cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal--Panama!
A man, a plan, a caret, a ban, a myriad, a sum, a lac, a liar,
a hoop, a pint, a catalpa, a gas, an oil, a bird, a yell, a vat,
a caw, a pax, a wag, a tax, a nay, a ram, a cap, a yam, a gay,
a tsar, a wall, a car, a luger, a ward, a bin, a woman, a vassal,
a wolf, a tuna, a nit, a pall, a fret, a watt, a bay, a daub,
a tan, a cab, a datum, a gall, a hat, a fag, a zap, a say, a jaw,
a lay, a wet, a gallop, a tug, a trot, a trap, a tram, a torr,
a caper, a top, a tonk, a toll, a ball, a fair, a sax, a minim,
a tenor, a bass, a passer, a capital, a rut, an amen, a ted,
a cabal, a tang, a sun, an ass, a maw, a sag, a jam, a dam, a sub,
a salt, an axon, a sail, an ad, a wadi, a radian, a room, a rood,
a rip, a tad, a pariah, a revel, a reel, a reed, a pool, a plug,
a pin, a peek, a parabola, a dog, a pat, a cud, a nu, a fan, a pal,
a rum, a nod, an eta, a lag, an eel, a batik, a mug, a mot, a nap,
a maxim, a mood, a leek, a grub, a gob, a gel, a drab, a citadel,
a total, a cedar, a tap, a gag, a rat, a manor, a bar, a gal,
a cola, a pap, a yaw, a tab, a raj, a gab, a nag, a pagan, a bag,
a jar, a bat, a way, a papa, a local, a gar, a baron, a mat, a rag,
a gap, a tar, a decal, a tot, a led, a tic, a bard, a leg, a bog,
a burg, a keel, a doom, a mix, a map, an atom, a gum, a kit,
a baleen, a gala, a ten, a don, a mural, a pan, a faun, a ducat,
a pagoda, a lob, a rap, a keep, a nip, a gulp, a loop, a deer,
a leer, a lever, a hair, a pad, a tapir, a door, a moor, an aid,
a raid, a wad, an alias, an ox, an atlas, a bus, a madam, a jag,
a saw, a mass, an anus, a gnat, a lab, a cadet, an em, a natural,
a tip, a caress, a pass, a baronet, a minimax, a sari, a fall,
a ballot, a knot, a pot, a rep, a carrot, a mart, a part, a tort,
a gut, a poll, a gateway, a law, a jay, a sap, a zag, a fat,
a hall, a gamut, a dab, a can, a tabu, a day, a batt, a waterfall,
a patina, a nut, a flow, a lass, a van, a mow, a nib, a draw,
a regular, a call, a war, a stay, a gam, a yap, a cam, a ray,
an ax, a tag, a wax, a paw, a cat, a valley, a drib, a lion,
a saga, a plat, a catnip, a pooh, a rail, a calamus, a dairyman,
a bater, a canal--Panama.
Rise to vote sir
Madam I'm Adam
A Toyota! Race fast, safe car. A Toyota
You can cage a swallow can't you but you can't swallow a cage can you?
Madam in Eden, I'm Adam.
Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
Top step's pup's pet spot.
A fine snore, rare Ronsen IFA.
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama!
Satan oscillate my metallic sonatas.
Cigar? Toss it in a can, it is so tragic.
Unremarkable was I ere I saw Elba Kramer, nu?
A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal - Panama!
A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps,
snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana
bag again (or a camel), a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a
jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal - Panama!
Aha!
Oh, no! Don Ho!
Bonk! One Mac. Newton sees not wen came (no knob).
Lisa Bonet ate no basil.
Toni Tennille fell in net. I, not!
Vanna, wanna V?
Man, Oprah's sharp on A.M.
Damn! I, Agassi, miss again! Mad!
(... Yawn.) Madonna Fan? No damn way!
E. Borgnine drags Dad's gardening robe.
Neil A. sees alien!
The almanac can am laeth
I'm runnin'! - Nurmi
A man, a plan, a canal...Suez!
Is Don Adams mad? (A nod.) Si!
No, Mel Gibson is a casino's big lemon.
Alan Alda stops racecar, spots ad: "Lana-L.A."
Bush saw Sununu swash sub.
Cain: A maniac!
Depardieu, go razz a rogue I draped.
Ed, I saw Harpo Marx ram Oprah W. aside.
I, Rasputin, knit up Sari.
Let O'Hara gain an inn in a niagara hotel.
Noriega can idle, held in a cage...Iron!
O, geronimo, no minor ego!
Plan no damn Madonna LP.
Red lost case, Ma. Jesse James acts older.
Sis, ask Costner to not rent socks "As Is"!
So, G. Rivera's tots are virgos.
T. Eliot nixes sex in toilet!
To Idi Amin: I'm a idiot!
A dog! A panic in a pagoda!
A slut nixes sex in Tulsa.
A tin mug for a jar of gum, Nita.
Ah, Satan sees Natasha.
Al lets Della call Ed Stella.
amaryllis sillyrama
Animal loots foliated detail of stool lamina.
Bird rib.
Bombard a drab mob.
But sad Eva saved a stub.
Camus sees sumac.
Cigar? Toss it in a can, it is so tragic.
Daedalus: nine, Peninsula: dead.
Dairy myriad.
Deirdre wets altar of St. Simons - no mists, for at last ewer dried.
Denim axes examined.
Dennis and Edna sinned.
Dior droid.
Drat Sadat, a dastard!
Drat Saddam, a mad dastard!
Draw, o coward!
Egad! No bondage!
Egad, an adage!
emu fat sap pasta fume
Enid and Edna dine:
Eda Nomel's lemonade
Bel Paese a pleb
Parkay yak rap
Feeble el beef
Roti de pup editor
Eel, urbane hen a brulee
Self-furnace Pecan ruffles
Eros? Sidney, my end is sore.
Evil olive.
Flee to me, remote elf.
Flesh! Saw I Mimi wash self!
Gert, I saw Ron avoid a radio-van - or was it Reg?
Gnu dung.
Go hang a salami! I'm a lasagna hog!
God! A red nugget! A fat egg under a dog!
God, a slap! Paris, sir, appals a dog.
Goldenrod-adorned log
Golf? No sir, prefer prison-flog.
Gustav Klimt milk vats - ug!
I maim Miami.
I roamed under it as a tired, nude Maori.
I, zani Nazi.
Jar a tonga, nag not a raj.
Kay, a red nude, peeped under a yak.
Kayak salad - Alaska yak.
Lager, Sir, is regal.
Laminated E.T. animal.
Lay a wallaby baby ball away, Al.
Lepers repel.
"M" lab menial slain: embalm.
Ma is a nun, as I am.
Man, Eve let an irate tar in at eleven a.m.
May a moody baby doom a yam?
Mayhem, eh Yam?
"Miry rim! So many daffodils," Delia wailed, "slid off a dynamo's miry rim!"
Must sell at tallest sum.
Naomi, did I moan?
Ned, go gag Ogden.
Never odd or even.
No lemons, no melon.
Nog eroded Oregon.
Nosegay ages on.
Now Ned, I am a maiden nun: Ned, I am a maiden won.
O.E.D. or rodeo?
Pa's a sap.
Paganini: Din in A Gap.
Party boobytrap.
Poor Dan is in a droop.
Red Nevada vendor.
Reflog a golfer
Reno loner
"Reviled did I live," said I, "as evil I did deliver."
Rise, take lame female Kate, sir.
Rococo "R".
Rot-corpse Sumatran art amuses proctor.
Senile Felines
Sex at noon taxes.
Sex-aware era waxes.
Sh, Tom sees moths.
Sir, I soon saw Bob was no Osiris.
Sis, Sargasso Moss a grass is.
Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
Sniff'um muffins.
So, Ida, adios!
Solo gigolos.
Sore eye, Eros?
Sore was I ere I saw Eros.
Stab nail at ill Italian bats.
Star comedy by Democrats.
Stella won no wallets
Step on no pets!
Stop! Murder us not, tonsured rumpots!
Strategem: megatarts.
straw warts
T. Eliot, top bard, notes putrid tang emanating, is sad. "I'd assign it a
name: gant dirt upset on drab pot toilet
Tarzan raised Desi Arnaz' rat.
Tense, I snap Sharon roses, or Norah's pansies net.
Too bad, I hid a boot.
Trafalgar rag: La Fart
Tuna nut
U.F.O. tofu.
Viva le te de Tel Aviv
Was raw tap ale not a reviver at one lap at Warsaw?
We seven, Eve, sew.
Yawn a more Roman way.
Yell upset a cider: predicates pulley.
Yo! Bottoms up, U.S. Motto, boy!
___________________
Can't believe it!
Sara
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Date: Tue, 3 Jan 1995 13:45:05 -0500
From: The Skeptic <z900672a@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Time to start MS Jokes(Offensive to Micro Soft)
I read this bug report on MSCalculator.
From: Achim Gehrke <1gehrke@RZDSPC42.INFORMATIK.UNI-HAMBURG.DE>
Subject: [?] MS Calculater Bug
If heared and tested, that there is a bug in the Calculator (Calc.Exe),
that came with Windows 3.0, 3.1 and Windows for Workgroups 3.11:
It says, that 3 - 3.01 = -0.00.
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Jan 1995 14:40:28 -500
From: Sameer Doshi <pdoshi@OEONLINE.COM>
Subject: Pro Wrestling (off. to Hulk Hogan?)
You Know You're Watching Too Much Pro Wrestling When:
(NOTE: Some of these references may be a little obscure to the
non-wrestling fan.)
...your wife tells you to put the baby in a sleeper, and you knock the
kid cold.
...you like Thunder in Paradise.
...you don't like Thunder in Paradise but watch it anyway.
...you wish you could settle your differences with everyone that annoys you
"inside... of a STEEL CAGE!"
...your chair has dents from piledriving your friends through it.
...you drop the elbow on your dog while he is sleeping.
...anytime you see a mirror you stop and start giving an interview.
...your cable company calls you to see if you will be ordering the next
wrestling PPV.
...you can't fall asleep at night unless you have your extra pillow in a
chinlock.
...the tops of your furniture have footprints from you "jumping off the rope."
...your mother asks you to 'take out the trash' and you Perfect-plex your
kid brother.
...when you mishear something, you don't say pardon but do the Hulk Hogan
hand behind the ear routine.
...before you take off your bathrobe you do your best Rick Rude impression
("Cut the music..." etc.)
...on your taxes, you write off your calls to 1-900 wrestling lines as a
legitimate personal need.
...you have family dinners in the living room because Monday Night Raw is on.
...you do a double-take when you see the name of author Bret Harte on a
postage stamp.
...you rent "My Dinner with Andre" thinking it's Wally Schawn's second movie
with the Giant.
...you start naming little things you do (i.e. chewing on pen=the
Deadly Bic Bite)
...you're watching the Academy Awards, and you feel cheated if nobody does
a run-in and beats up the winner with the statue.
...you dispose of chewing gum by spitting it out and whacking it in midair
into a crowd of jeering observers.
...you see someone being carried out of a building on a stretcher, and
you have an irresistable urge to turn the stretcher over and stomp on the
poor victim.
...you almost go out of your way to start fights, wanting to find out
the effect you could have by delivering a DDT, piledriver or powerbomb.
...whenever you enter a room or area, you note the locations from which you
could "drop an elbow from the top rope."
...you think, "Gee, O.J. and Al Cowlings would make a great tag team."
---
I have more of these... Part 2 will come in a couple days!
***Sameer Doshi*** | "No, I don't believe that atheists should be
PDOSHI@OEONLINE.COM | considered as citizens, nor should they be
| considered as patriots. This is one nation,
| under God.
| --Hateful words from George Bush, 27 Aug 1988
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Jan 1995 15:43:00 -0500
From: Timothy Abicht <ERIOND@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bastard Operator From Hell Part 3 of 14 >Nastiness, Language<
I didn't send this earlier, due to a power outage in my area.
-Tim
Written by: Simon Paul Travaglia, Computer Services, University of
Waikato Hamilton, New Zealand. spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #3
So I'm working so hard I barely have time to drive into town and watch a
movie before I told people their printing will be ready. The queue's WAAAAY
too long to have everything printed (and sorted) by the time I told them, so
I
kill all the small jobs so there's only 2 left and I can sort them in no
time.
Then, after the movie, (which was one of those slack Bertolucci ones
that takes about 3 hours till the main character is killed off in a visionary
experience) I get back and clear the printouts.
There's about 50 people waiting outside and I've got two printouts.
That's about average for me. I thought I'd killed more tho. Anyway, I put
out the printouts and walk slooowly inside, fingering the clipboard with
"ACCOUNTS
TO REMOVE" in big letters on the back. No-one says anything. As usual.
. . .
I'm sitting back in the Operations Armchair, watching the computer room
closed circuit TV, which just happens to be connected to the frame grabber's
Video player (sent off for repair, due back sometime in '94) when the phone
rings. That must be the 2nd time today, and it's really starting to get to
me!
"Yes?" I say, pausing the picture.
"I've accidentally deleted my C.V!" the voice at the other end of the
line says.
"You have? What was your username?"
He tells me. What the hell, I AM bored.
"Ah no, you didn't delete it - I did."
"What?"
"I deleted it. It was full of shit! You didn't ever get more than a B-
in any of your subjects!"
"Huh?"
"And that crap about being a foreign exchange student, that was your
girlfriend and we both know it."
"Huh?!!"
"Your academic records. I checked them, you were lying.."
"How did y.." He clicks. "It's you isn't it? THE BASTARD OPERATOR FROM
HELL!"
"In the flesh, on the phone and in your account.... You shouldn't have
called
you know. You especially shouldn't have given me your username.." >clickety<
>click< "Neither should you have sent that mail to the System Manager telling
him what you think of him in graphic terms..."
"I didn't send any.."
>clickety< >click<......
"No, you didn't did you? But who can tell these days. Not to worry
though, It'll all be over VERY soon.." >clickedy click< "..change my
username back, and..."
"b-b-b.." he blubs, like a stood-up date
"Goodbye now" I say pleasantly, "you've got bags to pack and a life to
start over..."
I hang up.
Two seconds later the red phone goes. I pick it up, it's the boss.
He mumbles the username of the person I was just talking to, mentions
something about a nasty mail message, and utters the words "You know what to
do...", with the dots and everything.
Later, inside the Municipal Energy Authority Computer, as I'm modifying
the poor pleb's Energy Bill by several zeros, I can't help but think about
what lapse of judgement - what act of heinous stupidity causes them to call.
Then, even later, when I'm adding the poor pleb's photo image over the top of
the FBI's online "MOST Wanted Armed and Dangerous, SHOOT ON SIGHT" offenders
list, I realise, I'll probably never know; but life goes on.
A couple of hours later, as I see the SWAT vehicle roll up outside the
poor pleb's apartment I realise that for some, it just doesn't.
But tomorrow is another day.
--
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Jan 1995 17:19:48 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Some amusing recent news (from TJI)...
THIS JUST IN for 25 December 1994 Copyright 1994 by Randy Cassingham
------------------------------------------------------------------------
TONYA, IS THAT YOU? Deborah Kemp, 33, of Detroit, was returning to her
car after paying for fuel when a man jumped into the car to steal it.
Because her 6-year-old daughter was asleep in the back of the
vehicle, Kemp wasn't about to let him get away with it. She leapt
into the passenger side, pulled her anti-theft locking bar ("The
Club") from under the seat, and started beating the carjacker with
it, all while the car proceeded down the street at up to 30 MPH. Kemp
eventually dragged the man out of the moving car (which crashed) and
continued to beat him. The unidentified carjacker was hospitalized
with head injuries and two broken legs; Kemp skinned her knees, and
the seat-belted child was not injured. (AP) ...Let me explain this to
you again just a little bit harder.
CHRISTMAS CHEER: One of the most popular Christmastime stage plays
in the U.K. is Snow White. But between the demands of Santa's helper
roles and many stagings of the play, there has been a distinct
shortage of dwarf actors to play such parts this year. So at a Snow
White performance in South Shields, England, children were cast in
the dwarf roles. But the director was forced to rewrite the script
when two of the young actors refused to fulfill one of the
requirements of their roles: to kiss Snow White. "I didn't realize
the prospect of giving me a peck would horrify them so much," said
Snow White actress Victoria Arbiter, 20. "When they were told to kiss
me, their little faces crumpled and they burst into tears." (Reuter)
...They'll kick themselves later -- hard and often.
PIECES ON EARTH: In the second time in two months, someone has
survived a small-plane crash by jumping out of the plane just before
impact. This time, Doug Adkins survived a crash in Texas by jumping
out the door. Adkins was able to go for help for the two other
victims; both are alive, one is in serious condition. (AP) ...But he
didn't fall until he looked down and realized he was standing in
midair.
PARTY GIRL: Edward Lee Gordon, 35, of Lakewood, Colo., said he was
trying to be "a cool dad," and thus hired a stripper for his son's
12th birthday party. Police were called by a local photo finisher,
who was tasked to develop pictures of the event. Gordon, his
girlfriend Yvonne Burdette, 32, who arranged the event, and Chelsea
Rose Wunderlich, 18 -- the stripper -- were all arrested for
investigation of "sexual assault" against the boy and two 12-year-old
friends. All are free while prosecutors decide on what charges to
bring in the case. (AP) ...Why can't kids do something healthy, like
play war with their toy guns?
MODERN MEDICINE: Norwegian researchers who apparently thought the matter
needed study have determined that leeches do not like beer or garlic.
However, sour cream doesn't seem to bother them: "They liked it,
sucking frantically on the wall of the container." (Reuter)
...Simple: same fat content as hospital patients' blood.
OH... MY... GOD!! "Man Goes Berserk in Car Saleroom, Many Volvos Hurt"
-- Reuter headline
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 3 Jan 1995 20:00:32 -0500
From: Victor H <VICTAH@AOL.COM>
Subject: G- spot (Offensive to Women?)
<<< Does one really exist? I want to know more to please my wife.
Thanx>>>
------ MartinH141@aol.com as posted on COUPLES-L
Dear Martin:
Yes, Martin, the fabled G-spot truly does exist. This remnant from Eden
resides within the folds where only the bold dare travel. The G-spot,
however, can only be activated under certain conditions:
1) The male and female are currently lying north-to-south at high
noon; well within the Bermuda Triangle.
2) The female must have reached the Menstrual equinox; i.e., the
midpoint between full-blown PMS and so-called normalcy.
3) The male must never look at the G-spot nor must he consciously
search, probe, grab, poke, bend/fold/spindle/ or mutilate the
G-spot in any way shape or form.
4) The female must not be bothered by any physical or emotional
ailment or condition which precludes the G-spot from being
reached by the male.
5) You first take the "B" out of Baseball, the "O" out of Money, and
the "F" out of Weigh.
6) There's no "F" in weigh !!! ( No f-in' way !!! )
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