Digest for Thursday, March 02, 1995
There are 10 messages totalling 321 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
.
- Shamed by You English?
- Drive By Shooting (poss. off. to Amish)
- Yet Another FullDeckism
- A "Willie" entry... (fwd)
- job description
- Life 7.C humor gathered long ago
- Cattle guards!
- Sex and the Weather
- Oral sex joke
- Sex joke
.
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 00:34:00 0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: Shamed by You English? <Off. illiterate English teachers; 80 Lines
<Forwards lost in translation>
A friend sent this, and it's been around a bit. As someone once said, if
this were a piece of paper, it would have been copied so often it would be
illegible.... good stuff...
SHAMED BY YOU ENGLISH?
"You can speak soon and write like a graduate college if me let you
help for a day of 15 minutes."
If you've been ever shamed by you English mistake, I can maybe save
you from disappointing years.
Have I met numbers cuntless men and women being who are held back
in their social jobs and lives, without often knowing it, because express
themselves, they cannot, fully and easily.
ABOUT YOU WHAT?
If people are not impressed the way by you speak and write -
if and your enough honest to admit it yourself - have you taken already the
forst big sucess step.
HERE'S TO DO WHAT?
You master English good, WITHUT SCHOOL GOING BACK TO! Years
over thousands I have helped, men and women, THEIR OWN HOMES RIGHT THERE
IN!
I can you too help, give will you 15 day minutes, to the
Linguage Institute Method. To my answers the questions following explain
why need you a good English command and easily how you can something do
about ahead getting.
QUESTION: What is so important about my ability to speak and write?
ANSWER: People you judged by, both in business, and social life, the way
you speak and and write.
QUESTION: What does a "command of English" mean?
ANSWER: It can mean yourself clearly express, without easy fear of making
embarrassed mistakes.
QUESTION: Are there other advantages to be gained by acquiring a command
of good English?
ANSWER: Yes! "Tools of thought" are words actually! Learn you the more
about words and use them how to your ideas, form and express, becomes your
thinking better.
QUESTION: Wouldn't I have to go back to school for a command of good
English?
ANSWER: Not, anymore, no. Gain you to speak the ability and write college
like a graduate in your own home, right each day for 15 minutes only.
QUESTION: How do I know your method works?
ANSWER: Letters in thousands there in my files, from peoples in all life
walks, testimonials, proved to us the Linguage Institute Method. Amazing to
acheive results. If below, you send in the coupon, some of these letters I
can share you with.
QUESTION: Wait a minute! Why in God's name would I write to a comic book
to enroll in a corespondence course to learn better English? ANSWER:
What?!!? You no want learn to how use exclamation points very amny times
in one sentence just?!!? PLUS, you how learn to *emphasize* BIG IMPORTANT
WORDS in eratic like manner, much like ME!!!!
QUESTION: How can I find out more about the Linguage Institute Method?
ANSWER: Gladly mail, I will a free booklet to 32 pages to you. Just send
a postcard fill or mail the coupon out. Forget not!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
DAN BOLEO, Dept 109-11
Linguage Institute Method, 1313 Mokingbird ln, Clancyville, MY, 84031
Mail me your free please 32-page booklet, "Good How to GAin English
Command."
Name:_______________________________________
Street:____________________________
City:_________________ State:_____________ Zip Code:_____________
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 05:45:45 -0500
From: Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Drive By Shooting (poss. off. to Amish)
(Better when said)
What goes clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, BANG, clip clop, clip clop?
An Amish drive by shooting!
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 08:12:23 EST
From: Swifty <SWIFTY@MEDISENSE.COM>
Subject: Yet Another FullDeckism
Salutations All
He/She ia half a bubble out of plumb.
Swifty
John K Swift
SWIFTY@medisense.com
**********************************************************************
"Few things are more dangerous than a hobbit with low blood
sugar."
Unknown
**********************************************************************
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 10:31:30 -0500
From: Jim Davis <jdavis@ADMIN.ALLEG.EDU>
Subject: A "Willie" entry... (fwd)
sung to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies.......
The Ballad of The Bobbit Hillbillies
Here's a little story 'bout a man named John
A poor ex-Marine (with a little fraction gone)
It seems one night after gettin' with his wife
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife
(Penis, that is)
(Rodeoed, fillet-ioed)
Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded round a bend
(Curve , that is)
(Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs)
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air
(Found, that is)
(By a fence, evidence)
Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a dick-doc said' "Hey! I can fix your little dong"
"A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need"
Then the world held it's breath 'till they heard that John had peed.
(Wizzed, that is)
(Stiched seam, straight stream)
Well he healed, and he hardened, and he took his case to court
With a lame-o cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short)
They cleared her of assult, and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape
(Video, that is)
(Unexposed, case closed)
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 11:21:45 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: job description
The Dream Job:
Running the complaint dept. after the meek inherit the earth.
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 08:30:17 -0800
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.C humor gathered long ago
Date: 8 Jun 91 18:24:43 PDT (Saturday)
Selections from Spaf's collection:
----------------------------------------------------
But what if it is true?
Lynn Persoff was sentenced for contempt of court in August for violating a
court order (on a divorce settlement) not to bad-mouth her ex-husband,
Myron. At a black-tie social event in Boca Raton, Fla., a community in
which both are well-known socialites, she called him a "moron."
Where do you want to go to jail
In January, Bernard Sexton, 26, of Cambridge, Ill., withdrew his guilty plea
to misdemeanor alcohol charges and pleaded instead to a related felony,
good for an 18-month sentence. Reason: The county jail where misdemeanants
are sent bans smoking, but the state prison permits it.
It seems that in Florida, when EMS was just beginning many years ago,
there was an ER doctor on the med channels who was talking to paramedics
who were trying to restar a guy's heart, to no avail. As the medics
kept trying, the MD ordered every drug in the drug box into
the patient, in the hopes that *SOMETHING* would work. When his last
option was exhausted, in desperation, he asked "Is there a phone book
there?" The surprised medics answered affirmatively, and the MD asked
"Do you know this guy's name?" The bewildered medics again answered
yes. "OK," the doc said, "Look up his name and CROSS IT OUT..."
From: cj@modernlvr.wpd.sgi.com (C J Silverio)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
durrell@umaxc.weeg.uiowa.edu (Cyberpixie) writes:
Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books you used to see?
I want to use that style to write technical manuals for
products in development.
"If this engineering decision is made, turn to page 40.
Otherwise, turn to page 62."
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 12:00:41 -0500
From: Bob Hawkey - Dont worry - Be Happy! };^> <kcdhawk@KODAK.COM>
Subject: Cattle guards!
An article appeared in the Denver Rocky Mountain News today:
When President Clinton heard there were 100,000 cattle guards in
Colorado, he immediately ordered Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt
to fire half of them. Pat Schroeder, Congresswoman from Colorado
stepped to request that the cattle guards should receive six months
of retraining.
Newspaper people in the state swear this is all true!
We KNOW this is bunk! Cattle Guards have a union!
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 12:10:12 GMT
From: HAMPTON.B <ZXBGH62@GOMAIL.DOAS.STATE.GA.US>
Subject: Sex and the Weather
Date: Friday, 3 March 1995 12:09pm ET
To: Internet
From: HAMPTON.B@GOMAIL
Subject: Sex and the Weather
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What is the difference between Lorena Bobbit and the Weatherman?
When she says there will be six inches on the ground you can believe it
(In Atlanta Georgia, weathermen always predict snow that doesn't come.)
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 13:13:40 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Oral sex joke <off. to Amish men>
An elderly Amish man married a sixteen year old girl. One of his
friends said, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself. She is so young
she doesn't even have any hair on her pussy." Stroking his beard he
replied, "She'll have some on it tonight." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Fri, 3 Mar 1995 14:39:06 -0500
From: Jeff Fowler, SAI Biological Devt., Palo Alto, CA <fowler@PALRES.DNET.SANDOZ.COM>
Subject: Sex joke
This is actually a repeat of a post from many moons ago, so I apologize
to long-time subscribers with very long memories. With the on-going
thread about glass eyes, I felt this just fit in too sweetly to miss....
Ok, this is a goood one, but some of you might not get it. In fact this
is the only joke I know that most people don't "get". But to the
inestimable recipients of this list, I'm sure it's a fair challenge....
A sailor was on shore leave in Paris after many months at sea, and had
promised himself that to celebrate his enforced celibacy (this is
C.Powell's navy, remember?) he would do something truly memorable. Thus
he found himself trailing from one brothel to another in search of
the ultimate blow-job. After a thorough survey of the madames, he was
sure he had found the acknowledged supreme player of the pink oboe.
Entering the lady's place of business, he explained his quest to the
proprietor. She directed him to a room at the far corner of the building,
with the following instructions: enter the room, undress, lie down on
the bed, and turn out the light. In a few minutes your rendezvous will
begin, but remember, no matter what happens, you must not turn on the
light until after your companion has left.
Undeterred, our hero follows the instructions and is shortly lying naked
in the dark on the bed, anticipating earthly bliss. He hears the door open
[make your own sound effects] and footsteps approach. After a few noises
indicating some preparation he receives truly the most magnificent
service he has ever imagined. Despite this almost out-of-body experience,
however, his curiosity summons him to reach over to the bed-side lamp.
And as the light comes on..., he sees...., on the bed side table under his
outstretched hand.... A glass eye.
Jeff Fowler. fowler@sandoz.com
Oh oh, feels like a grouchy day coming....
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