Digest for Monday, April 03, 1995
There are 16 messages totalling 626 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
.
- IFC Jokes part 15
- Joining the Church (fwd)
- shouldnt offend anyone
- Weird News: Vehicular Crashes
- Gods Total Quality Questionnaire
- Cinderella (Tastless)
- IMPROVING ENGLISH SPELING
- Limerick
- Forwarded mail....
- kids, theyre sharper than you think.
- Computers & cars
- Life 7.J
- Smelly moles
- Accident Report
- more fortune cookies
- OFFICE LUNCHEON
.
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 08:17:11 CET
From: Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: IFC Jokes part 15
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband
in bed with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the
house, he stopped her with these words. "Before you leave, I want you to know
how this all came about. Driving down the highway I saw this young girl
looking tired and bedraggled, so I stopped, and brought her home. Then I made
her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refridgerator. She
had some old worn out sandals on her feet so I gave her a pair of good shoes
you had discarded because they'd gone out of style. She was cold so I gave
her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the
colour didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn so I gave her a pair of yours
that were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then as she was about to
leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else your wife
doesn't use anymore?'"
A young boy and his father were standing in church foyer, looking at a
memorial dedicated to all the men and women who had died in war.
"What's that Daddy?", the little boy asked.
"It's a memorial to all the people who have died in service, son", the father re
plied.
The little boy pondered this for a moment, and replied, "The morning service
or the evening service?"
CHEVROLET: Cheap Hazardous Expensive Vehicle - Runs On Luck Every Time!
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 07:28:20 -0400
From: Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Re: Joining the Church (fwd)
An "oldie-but-goodie" that appeared on the rehu-l list.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Mon, 3 Apr 1995 15:09:32 -0500
From: William Witt <wgwitt@husc.harvard.edu>
To: rehu-l@bgu.edu
Subject: Re: Joining the Church
Another in the same genre:
A new family begins visiting the 1st Baptist Church in town. Someone on
the Board of Deacons or the Ladies' Home Auxiliary notices that they
dress a bit ``scruffy.'' All agree that it would be best to help out by
providing the new family with some church-going clothes and a collection
is taken up. The new clothes are bought and donated to the family, upon
which they stop attending church. Finally, the pastor pays a visit.
``We don't see you in church any more, Brother Smith, is anything
wrong?,'' queries the pastor. ``Not a bit,'' responds the newcomer.
``Since we look so nice in these new togs, we've been attending St.
Michael's Episcopal Church.''
William G. Witt
wgwitt@fas.harvard.edu
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 09:18:56 -0400
From: Hilde Horvath <HORVATH@AESOP.RUTGERS.EDU>
Subject: shouldn't offend anyone
These aren't "jokes," but I found them ironically amusing:
Some commentor on CNN said this regarding the shooting at the White House last
year:
"The White House has always attrached people who are mentally ill."
A friend of mine in Hawaii wrote:
"By the way, the Pacific Tsunami Warning Center is located in an inundation
zone. They have to abandon the facility before the projected wave arrival
time, and hope it's still there afterwards."
Hilde Horvath
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 09:56:53 -0400
From: Sharon Rondeau <SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET>
Subject: Weird News: Vehicular Crashes
From the Daily Collegian:
Mentcle, PA -- Outsiders whizzing by on state Route 553 may see this tiny
village as just another wide section of road.
But for some of the people who live there, the road isn't nearly wide enough.
Cars and trucks have hit 19 of the roughly 30 homes there in the past 10
years.
"People are even afraid to sit on their front porches," said Joan Smith, a
volunteer firefighter who photographs and records the wrecks. "One house
in the middle of town has been hit several times."
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 08:55:39 CST
From: Rowdy K. Welch <RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU>
Subject: God's Total Quality Questionnaire
GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE 3/3/95
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order
to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to
answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper __ Other Book
__ Television __ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
__ Bible __ Other
__ Torah (specify): _____________
2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery
__ Horoscope __ Television
__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Self-help books __ Sex
__ Biorythms __ Alcohol or drugs
__ Mantras __ Other: _____________________
__ Insurance policies __ None
3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know
4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters (flood, famine,
earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous
remission of disease, sports
upsets) 1 2 3 4 5
5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if
necessary): _________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
Thank you!
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 13:40:10 CET
From: Pete Plassmann <Imo@DPALS.KAISERSLAUTERN.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Cinderella (Tastless)
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged.
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 11:12:08 -0400
From: Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: IMPROVING ENGLISH SPELING
I read it on another list but am not sure as to whom I should thank
for this. In any case here it is:
*****
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in
ways of improving efficiency in communications between
Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling
is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough,
through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased
programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme
would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top
level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest
using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in
all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c'
could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed
alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of
klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less
letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it
kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth
be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty
per sent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are
possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double
letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the
languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu
to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it
would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be
reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen
ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after
al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be
dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors
be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli
sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls,
difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 12:05:38 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Limerick <off. to homosexuals>
A gay who lived in Khartoum
took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued a lot
about who would do which
and how and with what and to whom.
Lyle's Joke Boutique
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 10:16:37 -0600
From: Captain Blood <Raghu.S@M.CC.UTAH.EDU>
Subject: Forwarded mail....
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 4 Apr 95 12:03:54+0530
From: vgk@cassa.ernet.in
To: vigyan!Raghu.S@M.CC.UTAH.EDU
Hullo Raghu,
I got your address from your contribution to LISTSERV HUMOR
which I received today. As I am not yet a contributor to the LISTSERV
could you please post this interesting bit on the LISTSERV.
From `Indian Express' Bangalore Edition Apr 04
Michael Jackson drives wild pigs away!
-------------------------------------
Bangalore..The pied piper of pop music, Michael Jackson might draw
millions of fans around him, but his tunes have definitely scared
away the horrendous wild pigs which used to devour well groomed
plantations and destroy costly crops.
The fact came to light when Ananth Patwardhan, a farmer at Ujire
village near the popular temple town of Dharamsthala in Dakshina
Kannada district accidentally played the stereo cassette containing
Michael Jackson's numbers.
Patwardhan who generally beat drums while keeping a vigil in his
farm, used to play cassettes to beat the monotony.
One fine morning, to his surprise, he found wild pigs on the run
after hearing Michael Jackson's cassette which was accidentally
inserted into the stereo by one of his cousins.
Patwardhan now regularly uses Michael Jackson's tunes to chase away
monkeys and wild pigs.
From vgk@cassa.ernet.in 04 Apr 95 Bangalore
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 13:00:01 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: kids, they're sharper than you think.
This falls into the category of maybe 'you had to be there'
Being a product of the sixties, my friends and I used to listen to
FIRESIGN THEATER, alot. They made several comedy albums. With names like
"DON'T CRUSH THAT DWARF, HAND ME THE PLIERS!", to say these guys were
'on something' is an understatement. Anyway, one expression that has
stuck with me is 'Why don't you go to Armenia and get a Hair lip!'.
Kind of a F___ YOU! Well I realized that I use the expression too
frequently when the following dialog transpired between my 6 year
old son and myself last Saturday morning.
8:00 am, breakfast.
5 min. after seeing my son making some cinnamon toast.
me: 'Where's my cinnamon an' sugar?
long pause, no answer, he just looks at me.
me: 'Where's Armenia?' (getting silly with a 6 year old is always fun)
son: Big grin on his face; 'Where's your hair lip?'
The kid got me and he knew it. I laughed so hard I cried.
What scares me is he is ONLY 6 and he already has a warped sense of humor!
My wife however was not amused. Mothers are like that.
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 13:45:56 -0400
From: Thomas Rowe <trowe@UWSPMAIL.UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Computers & cars <not offensive>
The following was originally sent by Katherine Cook (kac@fame.com). I've
been pretty fast with the delete key lately so hope this isn't a duplicate
posting.
> WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS?
> > General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to
drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if
they did.... > >
--------------------------------------------------------------- > > HelpLine:
"General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
> > Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
> > HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
> > Customer: "What's an ignition?"
> > HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
and turns over the engine."
> > Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all these technical terms just to use my car?" > >
--------------------------------------------------------------- > > HelpLine:
"General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
> > Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
> > HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"
> > Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
> > HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle
and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
> > Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
> > HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to
install it for you."
> > Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that
I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with
everything built in!" > >
--------------------------------------------------------------- > > HelpLine:
"General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
> > Customer: "Your cars suck!"
> > HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
> > Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
> > HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
> > Customer: "I wanted to run faster,so I pushed the accelerator pedal
all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and
it won't start now!
> > HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What
do you expect us to do about it?"
> > Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't
crash any more!" > >
--------------------------------------------------------------- > > HelpLine:
"General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
> > Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because
it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power
brakes, and power door locks."
> > HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
> > Customer: "How do I work it?"
> > HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
> > Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
> > HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
> > Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my
car!"
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 11:40:20 -0700
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 7.J
Date: 10 Oct 91 09:33:15 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life 7.J
----------------------------------------------------
Mr Cody was a well-known rector of a protestand church. One day
he had been playing golf and after having a shower he was resting
in the club room, dressed in a bathrobe. A stranger comes in, looks
at him and tries in vain to remember who this guy is. Finally, he asks:
-Where in Hell have I seen you before?
Cody: -I don't know. Which part of Hell are you from?
As is well recorded in the fortune cookie database on BSD UNIX, we have:
Ginsberg's theorems:
1. You can't win
2. You can't break even
3. You can't quit the game
Freeman's commentary on Ginsberg's theorems:
Every major philosophy attempts to make life meaningful by contradicting
one of Ginsberg's theorems. To wit:
1. Capitalism: You _CAN_ win.
2. Communism: You _CAN_ break even.
3. Hari Krishna: You _CAN_ quit the game.
Andecdote #3, told by Greg Benford: At an Oxford college, they were
debating what to do with all their money. The concensus was to buy land,
since "for the past thousand years, land has proven to be a very wise
investment for the college."
The crusty old patriarch piped in, "True, but the past thousand years have
been atypical."
"Your editorials recall to mind a story of long ago. Edward Everrett Hale
was for a season, perhaps longer, chaplain of the House at Washington. His
son asked, "Father, how can you pray for those Congressmen?" The reply
was: "My son, I look at them, and then pray for our country." - "E.K.H.",
in a letter to the New York Times
Having recently been through basic training and advanced weapon
training, I'd like to share with you the governmets idea of
instructions for a weapon :
On the front of a Claymore mine:
FRONT : TOWARD ENEMY.
On the Back of the mine:
BACK : TOWARD YOU
Here's the funny part, undreneath the warning label it says:
EXPLOSIVE : DO NOT EAT.
Canada. 51 weeks of winter followed by a single hockeyless week
of summer.
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
"The Greatest Management Principle in the World" by Michael LeBoeuf:
The things that get rewarded, get done.
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 10:52:43 -0800
From: CHRIS R. TORRES <CTORRES@SCUACC.SCU.EDU>
Subject: Smelly moles
Three moles are crossing a bridge. The first mole says, "Hey, I smell
pizza." The second mole says, "Hey, I smell pizza too." The third
mole says, "Wow, all I smell is molasses."
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 18:35:21 -0400
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Accident Report
Here's an accident report from the Workers' Compensation Board.
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information
in
Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as
the
cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust
the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my
work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later
were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I
decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was
attached
to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied
the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240
lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my
weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say,
I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains
the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as
listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley
which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to
hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now
beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you
again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into
the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories
above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the
rope.
------------ Sent to me by Molly , a sweet lass --------------
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Chip ;)
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 20:26:33 -0400
From: John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: more fortune cookies
You have been shattered into many pieces whichwill be picked up and
devoured by a fat pig. Oh, wait, that's my fortune.
The poison you just ingested ... (continued on next cookie)
Just for grins, blow a dog whistle next to the kitchen.
I write for fortune cookies too.
Important! Handle with care! Do not open. In the event of a cookie
rupture, contact (7 chinese characters)
When I grow up I want to be a readers' digest joke.
Daed si laup.
Medical instruments, Inc. IUD demonstrator Model no. 14B63.
Do you really think we could share even one aspect of our complex,
millenia-old culture in a simple aphorism?
You may think you are smart, but you are no Epstein.
Our fortune cookies have been carbon dated for freshness.
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Date: Tue, 4 Apr 1995 21:22:53 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: OFFICE LUNCHEON
Jim, Jodi, and Sharon are real people. Their last names have been
withheld.
To: Jim From: Jodi If you plan to attend Sharon's luncheon, please let me
know your selection by Tuesday, June 7 ($10/person). The choices are:
--Broiled Sole Fillets-lightly seasoned or stuffed and served with
rice pilaf
--Popcorm Shrimp-bite sized breaded shrimp served with a baked
potato
--Grilled Chicken Breast-marinated boneless chicken breast served
with rice pilaf
OR
--Chicken Fresco-baked chicken tenderloins & vegatables all in a
light garlic & parmesan cheese sauce, served over linguini with
fresh brocolli
Thanks! Jodi
Dear Jodi,
Thank you for arranging this luncheon for Sharon. I'm deciding what
to order, and I have a question.
What about us carnivores? I want meat. Red raw meat. I want them
to lead it in on a rope and I want it to "moo" when I bite into it. I
don't want anybody I know to see me eating "rice pilaf" or "chicken
Fresco". In fact I don't want anybody who knows anybody I know to
see me doing so. I want a dignified American meal of steak and
potatoes by God, served with flagons of blood-red wine. I want
Hungarian red wine, with a picture of a cow on the label. I want to
think about Eastern Europeans making this wine for slave wages and
making it badly. I want the whole bottle. I want several. I want it
served on a white tablecloth and I want that tablecloth to be so
soiled when we're done that it can't even be used for rags. I want a
meal to remember, in the midst of bawdy company. I want someone
to tell off-color jokes and I want us all to laugh till we cry. I want
some of us to discover that the person we've mumbled at as we've
passed in the halls these last 5 years is a sexual rogue. I want several
people to fail to return to work afterward. I want to see a
disciplinary memo sent down from the director's office in the wake
of all this. I want the restaurant to refuse to serve anyone from the
Lab for the next two years. I want to generate gossip. I want media
coverage. I want arrests. I want some careers launched and
others destroyed. I want this luncheon to divide time into a before
and an after. Despite her acute embarrassment at all this, I want
Sharon to change her mind and stay.
That's what I REALLY want. I just KNOW you're going to tell me I
can't have it. So I'll get back to you with my food order.
Originally From: DAVE COBLE
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