Digest for Tuesday, April 04, 1995
There are 19 messages totalling 1053 lines in this issue.
Topics in this special issue:
.
- Total misunderstanding (off. to bosses)
- IFC Jokes part 16
- whats the difference between... [ADULT]
- INVASION OF THE YACHT PEOPLE (Offensive to rich??)
-
- The Naked Truth
- Your Place or Mine
- golf
- disconnect
- The Ultimate Chicken
- Self-esteem
- music to drive away wild pigs...
- New Barbie Dolls
- Yo momma...
- sage advice, and some random thoughts >completely non-off<
- lawyer joke(offensive to lawyers)
- Big Brother is Watching YOU!
- Lucky Charms Test < Suggestive >
- Elvis and Jesus
.
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 08:05:40 METDST
From: Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject: Total misunderstanding (off. to bosses)
The story takes place in times when employers recieved their salaries in cash
(or in a country where they are still paid in cash).
Boss (enters the office and says): "Jones!"
Jones: "Present!"
Boss: "You have a bonus of $550 at the cash desk."
Jones (leaves to get the money).
Boss: "Wilbury!"
Wilbury: "Present!"
Boss: "400 dollars"
Wilbury (leaves to get the money).
... etc.
Boss: "Total!"
(No response.)
Boss (shouts): "Total!!!"
(Silence.)
Boss (mumbles): "What an idiot! He has $57500 here and does not bother
to take them."
--
Jan Kucera <kuc@fce.vutbr.cz>, Dept. of Computer Science
Faculty of Civil Engineering, Technical Univ. of Brno, Czechia 16E 49N
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 08:51:01 CET
From: Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: IFC Jokes part 16
Why are Fire Trucks Red?
Fire Trucks have 4 wheels and 8 firefighters. That makes 12.
12 inches is a foot.
A foot is a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.
The Queen Elizabeth is also a ship.
Ships sail on the sea.
There are fish in the Sea.
Fish have fins.
The Finns fought the Russians once.
The Russians are Red.
That's why Fire Trucks are red, 'cause they're always rushin'.
SAAB - Stupid Auto's Always Broken.
Olds - Overweight lump of dirty slag.
A group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how
Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or
Christ. One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of
Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another
argued that Joshua was Hebrew, not Aramaic, to which a third argued that
Hebrew should be used because Jesus was said to be the King of the Jews. The
debate went on and on and became more and more sophisticated and obtuse.
Finally, an old man known for his wisdom intervened. He informed the group
that he knew how Jesus was named. When Jesus was born, a star shown in the
sky, and three wise men from the East travelled to Bethlehem. They had
travelled for days, suffered great deprivation, and when they finally got to
Bethlehem got lost trying to find the manger. Finally, after much ado, and in
rather foul moods, they reached the manger and entered the stall. As one of
them came through the door, he tripped on the door sill. "Jesus Christ!" he
screamed, and that is how the baby was named.
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 07:22:00 EDT
From: Musat, Bob <bob.musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: what's the difference between... [ADULT]
...a bull and a cow?
when you get done milking it, the bull's the one with the smile on its face!
be seeing you,
oxo
p.s. it's good to be back on the list! :)
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 08:22:43 -0500
From: Robert Mauro <RMAURO@DELPHI.COM>
Subject: INVASION OF THE YACHT PEOPLE (Offensive to rich??)
INVASION OF THE YACHT PEOPLE
A Docudramatazation Based on Tabloid Journalistic Fact
By Robert Mauro
"They bring in all sorts of horrible, even fatal diseases,"
decried one angry immigration official. "Ulcers, heart disease,
hemorrhoid, obesity, even excessively high cholesterol! Our
government is forced to supply them with all sorts of expensive
drugs and surgical procedures. Do you know what it costs our
government to supply them with Tagamet, Preparation H, and
liposuction alone?? And then there are all those exotic skin peels
and imported volcanic mud baths! We don't even have the pills, let
alone the surgical instruments or the imported volcanic mud!"
Yes, the government of Haiti is furious. Hundreds of filthy
rich Americans are buying expensive yachts and fleeing the United
States for this "tropical paradise."
"Oh, these unsavory, illegal aliens say it's the violence in
their streets, all the drugs and drive-by shooting, but we in Haiti
know better!" said the Haitian Chief of Police. "It's our more
economical standard of living and of course our more attractive
income tax codes."
Not coincidentally, this invasion of the yacht people all
started in 1992 -- that very same year the U.S. Presidency changed
hands. Before 1992 it was the false promise of "no new taxes."
And where there was once rampant greed and trickle-down economics,
suddenly, beginning in 1992, there were rumors of universal health
care and a luxury tax. Moreover, it was also rumored there would
be fewer frequent flyer miles for the rich.
"We had to do what we could to survive," said former
millionaire American, now seeking Haitian citizenship, Henry Chase
Throckmorton the Third. "So prior to April 15th, we grabbed our
Visa, Master Card, American Express, Exxon, Diner's Club,
Discovery, and Bloomingdales' credit cards and made our way to the
nearest beach with the most exclusive yacht club and yacht
dealership. It was all we could do to get out of the country
before it was too late!"
It was true. It wouldn't be long before a Capital Gains tax,
a Luxury Tax, and the Prime Rate would skyrocket. And to those
making over a million a year, it was time to gather up their meager
possessions, i.e., negotiable stocks, bonds, T-bills, Tiffany
jewelry, and Rolex watches and flee for their economic lives!
"Screw the Statue of Liberty and My Country 'Tis of Thee!"
cried Throckmorton. "I'm thinking of my Liberty Bonds and my god-
damned Pork Bellies!"
By early 1995, the situation for the Haitian Government was
getting desperate. Hundreds of Haitians were writing, faxing and
even telephone their government to keep these filthy, disease-
ridden rich Americans -- these yacht people -- out!
"We don't need none of their filthy high cholesterol or
disgusting hemorrhoids!" became the hue and cry of most middle-
class Haitian talk radio listeners.
"We tried our best to blockade the entire country," said the
Haitian Secretary of the Navy, but with one used Chris Craft and
two leaky tin dinghies, this was an impossibility. You simply
cannot blockade 12,000 miles of pleasant, sunny U.S. coastline with
three rust buckets."
Alas, there was one option left: the Haitian Coast Guard would
just have to turn away these unwanted, filthy rich yacht people.
Again, with hundreds of yachts invading Haitian waters every day,
it was impossible to stop the wave upon wave of filthy rich
Americans -- not to mention their poorer defendants, such as their
lawyers, investment advisors, stock brokers, and accountants.
"We had one alternative," said the Haitian President. "We had
to put them all in a camp."
Jimmy Carter was asked once more to intercede. Carter, and
his Habitat for Humanity Project, helped build dozens of palatial,
centrally air-conditioned mansion, each with sauna, jacuzzi, heated
pool, and tennis court. These meager dwellings, with but one
satellite dish and basement vault each, were strategically
surrounded by exclusive shopping malls with stores from Fifth
Avenue, Rodeo Drive and Madison Avenue. Armed guards in towers
stood at the ready to keep the yacht people "in the camp and from
invading the local residential areas of Haiti."
"We were very afraid," said the Haitian Minister of Economic
Development, "they'd cause havoc looking for a Perrier or other
brand-named bottle waters. We just have that left-over stagnant
stuff in all those old, abandoned U.S. army trucks. We knew this
would just not do for these filthy rich yacht people. So we were
forced to build the shopping malls and air drop Deer Park Water,
Caviar, an other gourmet delicacies to prevent riots."
"Furthermore, " the Haitian Minister of Health added, "we were
terrified of an outbreak of the runs. We knew these filthy rich
illegals were simply not used to the cheap stuff like black beans
and army-surplus water in used trucks."
And to this day, the situation in Haiti remains serious, even
explosive. The yacht people keep coming. And they keep sweating
in their saunas through the hot Haitian summer. Central air
conditioning is being taxed to the limit. Meanwhile, the Haitian
government debates whether to send the filthy rich yacht people
back to the U.S. or try to sell them water front property and yacht
club memberships.
When this reporter asked one of the evenly tanned, but
extremely obese yacht people why they were fleeing the U.S., and
if it was indeed because of all the violence in the streets and the
drugs, one yacht person sneered and said, "Hell no! It's all those
god-damn taxes! And besides, we can still get Rush Limbaugh loud
and clear right here, thanks to Armed Forces Radio!"
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 15:20:50 +0000
From: Gavan Quinlan <gavinq@INFORMIX.COM>
Subject: <off to the Clinton's, some offensive words>
Hi folks,
My inaugural posting to humour starts off with an oldie................
Bill and Hillary Clinton are en-route on their way back to the White House
in their chauffeur driven limousine after a rather busy engagement. The car
begins to run low on petrol, so it is decided to pull in and refill the
tank. When they arrive at the garage, the petrol pump attendant comes over
and begins to fill the tank. Bill comments to Hillary 'Imagine, if you
married him you'd be the wife of a petrol pump attendant!', to which Hillary
replies 'no,dear, if I married him he'd be the president of the United States!'
Well that's that out of the way....
now for some good ole rude one liners
Q. How do you circumcise a whale?
A. With a fore-skin diver!
Q. What's the largest drawback of the jungle?
A. An elephants foreskin
Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A. Keep the tip, darling.
Q. Why do women have orgasms?
A. To give them something else to moan about!
Q. What's the smallest hotel in the world?
A. The Hotel Vagina - it's so small, you've got to leave your bags outside!
Q. What's the difference between a giraffe and a tractor?
A. Ones got a high bollocks, the other's got hydraulics.
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 10:33:14 -0500
From: Daylene Koch <KOCH@VAX2.ROCKHURST.EDU>
Subject: The Naked Truth
This is from The Kansas City Star's Dear Abby:
DEAR ABBY: Here's another one for your "nude" collection: I was all set to
step into the shower when I realized that my bath towels were in the dryer.
My washer and dryer are on my back porch, so I quickly ran back there to get
a towel. Before I could open the dryer door, I heard the milkman coming down
the walk. He always left the milk on my back step, but I was afraid he might
glance in the back screen door and see me, so I jumped into the back porch
closet. I was standing in the closet, waiting for him to leave the milk and
go. Suddenly, the closet door swung open and there I stood, naked as a
jaybird. It was the meter reader! In his surprise, he looked me up and down.
In my embarrassment, I blurted out, "Oh, my ... I thought you were the
milkman!" --- Red-Faced in Fresno
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 13:14:02 -0400
From: Greg C. Bowlin <GCBowlin@AOL.COM>
Subject: Your Place or Mine
Your Place or Mine <Adult Theme>
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------
Your Place or Mine
In order to get a date, Adam, David, and Clint went to a singles club in
order for Adam to show them the "Proper Method". Whey they entered the club,
Adam told David and Clint to get a drink, sit back, and watch the master.
Adam spotted a beautiful blonde and began to walk in her direction while
the others waited in anticipation. Adam made his smooth move and said, "Your
place or Mine?" Immediately they left with passion in their eyes.
David, excitedly, turned toward Clint and said, "If Adam can do it then
surely I can." He spotted another beautiful woman and so he made his move.
His was not as smooth, but it proved effective as he asked, "Your place or
mine?" As they headed
toward the door, Clint's chin hit the floor in amazement.
Clint thought to himself that if they can get a beautiful woman, then so
could he. He glanced around the room and located yet another beautiful
woman. He nervously walked towards her in anticipating his smooth move yet
to be made. He asked the question, "Your place or mine?". The woman turned
her head and said in a sexy voice, "I am sorry but I am on my menstrual
cycle." He confidently responded, "That's okay, I am on my moped. I will
follow you home."
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 12:48:24 -0500
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: golf <offensive>
It seems that a golfer came in from the course with contusions about the
throat; he could hardly talk. His friends asked him what happened to him
out there. In a very scratchy voice and with much effort he said, "Well,
when I teed off on the sixteenth hole I sliced the damn thing so bad that
it went entirely over the rough and into the cow pasture. So, I climbed
the fence to look for my ball, but I couldn't find it in the high grass.
Just then I noticed something white sticking in a cow's ass. I lifted up
her tail and looked, but it was a Dunlop and I was playing a Spaulding.
Suddenly, this lady was climbing the fence - she was looking for her ball
too. So I lifted up the cow's tail and pointed and said, 'Lady, does this
look like your's?' And she hit me in the throat with a five iron."
**************************************************************************
Jim Thorson Wannna see my putter?
**************************************************************************
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 09:31:27 EST
From: JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Re: disconnect
From the INFINITE joke list.....another soul who didn't save the
instructions...........
----------------------------------------------------------
On 4 Apr 1995 at 15:26, Allan Carter (ALLAN@INFINITE) wrote:
FORWARDED MESSAGE from Infinite Joke List (Jokes @ Infinite) at 4/04/95
3:12 PM
-----------------------------------------------------------
On 4 Apr 1995 at 15:11, Elizabeth M. Andriot
(E0ANDRZ1@SMTP{E0ANDRZ1@ULKYVM.LOUISVILLE.EDU}) wrote:
Is there any possible way to get me off of this jokes list. I find they
are cluttering up my mailbox. Thanks.
------------------------------------------------------------
***** NOTES from Allan Carter (ALLAN @ INFINITE) at 4/04/95 3:18 PM
Well Elizabeth ... there is a way ... BUT ... it's not for the timid.
First you must bury a walnut shell at the crossroads during the last full
moon of Autumn. Then (and only then) may you ride a shaven yak up and down
the streets of your town, clad only in a Hefty Handle-Tie baggie. Once you
have done this, you must then call a random 800 number and beg strangers
to wax your eyebrows. This should eliminate you from the joke list (and any
other social group that you may belong to).
of course you could just desubscribe, but that would be taking the easy way
out.
Good luck.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How does one go about shaving a yak? Doesn't he mind?
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 13:37:58 -0400
From: Jim Davis <jdavis@ADMIN.ALLEG.EDU>
Subject: The Ultimate Chicken
VERRRY LONG...
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
It was not merely that the chicken crossed the road, Watson,
but that the three Russian midgets and the Italian oboe player
did not also cross.
--Sherlock Holmes
She was a victim of the Illuminati One World conspiracy.
-- Rev. Pat Robertson
This chicken story seems merely more gaga New Age
silliness at first, but may contain something more
sinister. No reputable scientists has ever reported
a chicken crossing a road. Alleged "close encounterswith such chickens are
claimed by ignorant and
suggestible people only. Farmers queried all report large
fences around their hen-yards, to prevent chickens
from escaping. One recalls similar mass delusions
in Nazi Germany before Hitler.
--Martin Gardner.
She was a victim of the Jewish conspiracy.
-- Adolph Hitler
O thin men of Haddam
Why seek so eagerly the golden bird?
Do you not see the chicken
On the dirt road you walk?
--Wallace Stevens
She was a victim of the English Gnostic Drug Cartel conspiracy.
--Lyndon LaRouche
I sent a hen into the astral plane
To learn our future, and man's luck,
And by and by the bird returned to me
But all she's say was "Cluck, cluck,cluck!"
--Omar Khayyam
She was a victim of the male conspiracy.y.
-- Gloria Steinem
She was dazed and disoriented after the extra-terrestrials
abducted and genetically altered her.
--Budd Hopkins
This Department recalls the distasteful incident
of the Chainsaw Subliminals -- World falling -- Photo falling --
Breakthrough in hen yard -- Towers open fire --
Goddam floating whorehouse -- Death is the navigator --
A few may get through to the Gate in Time --
--William S. Burroughs
She was brainwashed by the liberal feminazi media.
--Rush Limbaugh
I will consider my hen, Brigit,
For she is a servant of the livinge dawn to praise the Sun in her song,
Retiring at dusk like an honest worker,
Making by Alchemy from seeds an egg
For she fears Death and the Devil
Known to her as Fox and Chickenhawk;
For she is motherly to her chicks;
For she refutes the Atheist and Mechanic
Choosing of her free will to cross the road!
--Christopher Smart
Why, let us freely feather our brutish nests
In this barnyard world -- like the hen i' the adage --
Until the Ax of mortality falls on all our necks
And we squawk and make one final futile flutter:
Then blackest night falls on the king and commoner.
--Will Shakespeare
To blow, man, to get groovy and dharma blissed-out
in the henyard of railroad earth.
--Jack Kerouac
it all depends
on one road here
now
and one chicken here
now
in the mud
by the wheelbarrow
--William Carlos Williams
Chickens and roads were not
Nor stars nor moon nor earth
Until man's mind made all,
All, of his bitterness and mirth.
--William Butler Yeats
I would prefer that my neighbors and the police
knew nothing about that chicken,
but it would be even better if they knew several
things that were quite wrong.
--Flann O'Brien
I saw a chicken cross the road
But could not stop to ask
Why she had to hurry so
Or what the urgent task.
--Emily Dickenson
Actually, we'll probably change that on rewrite.
--Quentin Tarantino
To find a place to plant the other glove.
--F. Lee Bailey
Give me ten minutes with that chicken and we'll find out.
--Tomas de Torquemada
A chicken at rest remains at rest; a chicken
in motion remains in motion.
--Sir Isaac Newton
I'm sorry, Ollie. I left the hen-house door open.
--Stan Laurel
To boldly go where no hen has gone before.
-- Capt. James Tiberius Kirk
The ideal chicken must ideally cross the ideal road.
Therefore, imperfect chickens in this world
cross imperfect roads, imperfectly.
--Plato
She was driven by the lash of economic necessity.
--Karl Marx
It is the essense of chickens to cross the road.
--Aristotle
Those who cluck do not know.
Those who know do not cluck.
--Lao Tse
To see what's out there.
-- Capt. Jean Luc Picard
It was a national security matter.
-- Col. Oliver North
Oh, never mind that chicken. She's from Barcelona.
-- Basil Fawlty
Because it's there.
--Sir Edmund Hilary
The lions still roam the barranca
And a hen there is always alone.
--The Kingston Trio
The telephone pole suggested a phallic symbol
and like all female creatures she wanted to be dominated.
-- Sigmund Freud
The question admits of limitless answers, since
there is no one logocentric strategy of discourse that takes
primacy over all others.
-- Jacques Derrida
This chicken problem has many depths,
but all of them are equally shallow.
-- Oscar Wilde
Little chicken, who set thee free
To wander here on Highway Three?
"Oh, sir, your question's very odd;
He is called the Lamb of God."
Little chicken, crushed and bleeding,
You did not see that auto speeding.
"Oh, sir, do not sit and brood:
God just had a Tygerish mood."
--William Blake
Forty-two.
-- Douglas Adams
It was her True Will to cross just that road on just that day.
--Aleister Crowley
We made her an offer she couldn't refuse.
--Vito Corleone
To kiss your skin, to lie with you in moonlight...
--Sappho
To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence.
--Jean Paul Sartre
To leave the place she knew for another place
And to stay there for a while
And then to move onward to a third place.
--T.S.Eliot
To ask this question denies your own chicken nature.
--Buddha
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
crossed the chicken depends upon the inertial
system of the observer.
--Albert Einstein
It was the next step after coming down from the trees.
--Charles Darwin
All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature's God
with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side.
--Thomas Jefferson
When the emperor performs the rites with full reverence,
and the court officers behave as true scholars and gentlemen,
a hen may cross any road in the kingdom safely.
--Confucius
The fuckin chicken crossed the fuckin road, okay?
No problem, okay?
--Jack Nicholson
To die. In the rain.
--Ernest Hemingway
To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road,
a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save
in the dreams of madness
-- H.P. Lovecraft
There was no chicken, no road, no crossing.
There was only -- an interpretation.
--Friederich Nietzsche
Cause I had the fuckin bird pinned to my right nipple
when I started chasin Nancy cross the fuckin road
wif my fuckin switchblade.
--Sid Vicious
She was seduced by the dark side of the road.
-- Darth Vader
She had beady inhuman eyes like strange black jewels
and the kind of feathers a bird of paradise
might envy. I knew that if they made her a free-range chicken
she'd grab the first opportunity and never look back.
--Raymond Chandler
Mrs. Hahn, Cock's wife, flapflopped from an ova
eggspressed (one l'ouvre, end sot)
and charged that lewd brigade
into any tennis sun in this faunanimal whirled.
--James Joyce
Carol Christmas never knew if she had actually
seen a chicken calmly crossing the street in New York's
worst traffic, or if it was another nasty joke by
that malign dwarf, Chaney. But now she was seeing
chickens at every corner, waiting for the light to
change. She saw them most often after coming
out of her class on post-modern literature.
--Robert Anton Wilson
I don't remember.
--Ronald Wilson Reagan
I will not use a chicken as a frisbee.
I will not use a chicken as a frisbee.
I will not use a chicken as a frisbee.
I will not use
--Bart Simpson
Nostradamus predicted chicken/Bigfoot horror!
--Weekly World News
The chicken choose to exercize individual initiative
and not wait for a government-funded street-light program.
--Newt Gingrich
Uncle Ike saw her first: just an ordinary chicken, he thought
for a moment, a chicken picking here and pecking there, gradually
working her way across the road toward the lawn; but then he
felt the fingers tighten on his arm and looked up, astounded,
to see him, the Colonel, eyes lit with a new fire, face
aglow like a saint seeing a vision: and then it was destiny, a
thing pre-ordained, a fatality, for the Colonel did not
reveal even to him, Uncle Ike, the secret ingredients,
not the names of the herbs and not even the number of
them (some would say he used as many as twenty, and
others insisted there was butJone magic herb that created
that special flavor) and so the secret of the crust remained,
a hermetic mystery, an arcanum implacable and inpenetrable,
locked in the private places of the Colonel's soul: and yet
the vision was real, a true moment of Fate; for the franchises
sold almost as fast as they could slaughter and gut the
stock, and they spread across the country, across the
civilized world, making the Colonel not just a millionaire
but a billionaire, and Uncle Ike saw it all, knew it all,
from the beginning to the day when the initials KFC were
to be seen in every city, every town, every hamlet large enough
to own two mules and an Assembly of God church:
until now, standing in the franchise in Jefferson,
Yoknapatawpha County, where Flem Snopes, the bank
president, hawked and coughed and spat on the floor,
then hoisted his britches, country style, and said
to the waitress, "Make it extra crispy, please."
--William Faulkner
I ate her liver. With fava beans.
And a brandied cranberry sauce.
--Hannibal Lecter, M.D.
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 15:08:59 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Self-esteem
The thing I'm proudest of is my humility, but I have good reason to
feel that way. It's because I once was conceited but got over it and
now I'm the best liked fellow in town. Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 16:21:42 -0400
From: MikGreene@AOL.COM
Subject: music to drive away wild pigs...
The post about Michael Jackson's music driving away wild pigs just shows how
some things never change. The local deli plays Barry Manilow to drive away
wild teenagers.
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 16:28:15 EDT
From: Mark Bauman <73163.1074@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: New Barbie Dolls <offensive to women>
New Barbie dolls to represent the diversity of women in the 90's:
DIVORCED BARBIE (comes with all of Ken's accessories)
TEENAGE SINGLE PARENT BARBIE ("welfare check" from Mattel mailed each month)
CRACK ADDICT BARBIE (pipe included, sugar may be used to simulate crack cocaine)
BOULEVARD BARBIE (with cheap makeup, short skirt, and high heels)
LESBIAN BARBIE (Barbie with a butch)
LIPSTICK LESBIAN BARBIE (actually no different in appearance from regular
Barbie)
BULIMOREXIA BARBIE (also no different in appearance from regular Barbie)
BRUNETTE BARBIE (the only Barbie with a brain)
QUANTUM PHYSICIST BARBIE (yeah, right)
BOW-WOW BARBIE (the ugliest Barbie you've ever seen)
PUNK BARBIE (has rings in all sorts of strange places)
NAVY PILOT BARBIE (comes with a body bag, wrecked fighter jet sold separately)
BREAST IMPLANT BARBIE (now Barbie's a D-cup)
CANCER PATIENT BARBIE (remove the wig and Barbie's bald)
BLACK BARBIE (once your Ken doll goes black, he'll never go back)
FEMINIST BARBIE (has unshaved legs and armpits)
BATTERED WIFE BARBIE (comes with a restraining order to serve to Ken)
BARBIE BOBBIT (with knife, Ken had better watch out)
BARBIE BROWN SIMPSON (slashed neck and bloody body, carton of Ben & Jerry's
Cookie Dough included)
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 14:50:20 -0800
From: CHRIS R. TORRES <CTORRES@SCUACC.SCU.EDU>
Subject: Yo momma...
> =-> IS LIKE,
> Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay
> Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up!
> Yo momma like the pillbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke!
> Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
> Yo momma like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on!
> Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she's ready to ride!
> Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one!
> Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!
> Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her!
> Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows!
> Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw!
> Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing
> Yo momma like a refridgerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her!
> Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
> Yo momma like a rifle... four cocks and she's loaded.
> Yo momma like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, and then thrown in t
he gutter.
> Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
> Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!"
> Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"
> Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine... five cents a blow.
> Yo momma like chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!
> Yo momma like a vaccuum cleaner.....a real good suck.
> Yo momma like a potatoe chip seller on 42nd street, "LAYS! LAYS!..."
> Yo momma like castlebury stew: servings are family size
>
> =-> SO HAIRY,
> Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!
> Yo momma so hairy she's got afros on her nipples!
> Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.
> Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
> Yo momma so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her
Hair Jordan.
> Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
> Yo momma so hairy she shaves with a weedwhacker
>
> =-> SO SLUTTY,
> Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley!
> Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
> Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her ni
ce belt!
> Yo momma so slutty she was on the cover of wheaties, with her legs open, and i
t said "breakfast of the champs"
> Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line behind
me had the correct change.
> Yo momma so slutty she had her own "Hands across her ass" charity drive
> Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought sh
e was getting it three times.
> Yo momma so slutty I fucked her and I's a chick!
> Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man.
> Yo momma so slutty John Holmes just looked at her and got AIDS
> Yo momma so slutty she is known as Homecomming Disease
> Yo momma so slutty she has Trojan written on her gumline.
> Yo momma so slutty the only difference between your mom and a 747 is that not
everyone has ridden in a 747.
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 18:03:54 -0400
From: Jim Goldman <JimGPhynn@AOL.COM>
Subject: sage advice, and some random thoughts >completely non-off<
This is from the Deep Thoughts calendar, from 4 April 1995
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking
to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard
you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something.
To Piotr Plebaniak, what the hell does IFC stand for? I think everyone on
this list might be interested in that...
And I'd like to wish a warm, and heartfelt "Welcome Back" to Bill Edwards,
the owner of this list, who recently returned from that strange and foreign
land, known as Indiana. Bill, I'm sure you've got quite a few stories to
tell us, and, if you consider them funny, please post them here....
Be good, everyone, but not too good..... ; )
Jim
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 17:33:32 -0600
From: Jim Thomson <jmthomso@STUDENTS.WISC.EDU>
Subject: lawyer joke(offensive to lawyers)
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking
through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with it's tongue,
and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around
and says"Hey! Knock that off!" The rear tiger says"sorry" and they
continue. After about 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out and
licks the ass of the tiger in front of him. The front tiger turns around
and smacks the rear tiger. "I said stop that!!" The rear tiger again
apologizes, and they continue. After about another 5 minutes, the rear
tiger licks him again. The front tiger turns around and asks "What is with
you today?"
The rear tiger replies"Well, I just ate a lawyer, and I am trying
to get that taste out of my mouth!
------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 6 Apr 1995 09:18:00 EST
From: Baddock, Philip <PBaddock@NENTNDS1.TELECOM.COM.AU>
Subject: Big Brother is Watching YOU!
TO ALL EMPLOYEES
01/01/1995
TOILET POLICY
In the past employees were permitted to make trips to the toilet under
informal guidelines.
Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide a
more consistent method of accounting for each employee's toilet time,
thereby ensuring equal toilet time for all employees.
Under the policy a "TOILET TRIP BANK" will be established for each employee.
On the first day of each month, employees will be given twenty toilet trip
credits. These credits may be accumulated!
Within two weeks, the entrance doors to all toilets are to be equipped with
personnel Identification Electronic Stations (PIES) and computer linked with
voice print recognition devices.
Before the end of the month each employee must provide two (2) copies of
his/her voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the personnel
department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but
not restrictive for the rest of the month. When installed, employees should
acquaint themselves with the stations during this commissioning period.
If and employee's toilet trip bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the
toilet will not unlock for that employee until the first of the next month.
In addition, all toilet bowls are being equipped with timed paper roll
retractors.
If the toilet is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm sounds,
the roll of paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and
the toilet door will open.
If the toilet remains occupied, your picture will be taken.
The picture will be posted on the noticeboard. Anyone whose picture appears
any more than three (3) times will have cause for instant dismissal.
If you have any questions regarding this policy, please discuss with your
personnel officer.
MANAGEMENT
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 19:27:43 -0400
From: Chip Depue <EDEPUE@AOL.COM>
Subject: Lucky Charms Test < Suggestive >
Ok, before you read this you have to know which is your favorite part of
Lucky Charms. Here are your options:
.
*green clovers
*blue diamonds
*orange stars
*pink hearts
*purple horses
*yellow moons
*the oat bits
----------
.
LUCKY CHARMS
.
Amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms
marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's
true --- just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom
personality:
.
Green clovers: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the
green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't take
anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage
to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you. You
don't have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on
them until they cheer up.
.
Blue diamonds: If your favorite marhmallow shape is the blue diamond,
your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he
really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably
what's going through your mind. People who like blue diamonds have
a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and
are the people most likely to file their nails while making love.
.
Orange Stars: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect
to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to
spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for
him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who
like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because
they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they
want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They often
moan out their own names while making love.
.
Pink hearts: If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You
like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if
he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for
romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the
romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor.
.
Purple horseshoes: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes
are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in
the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains,
swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a
picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes--she's likely to pin
you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking and who knows
what could happen next?
.
Yellow Moons: If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested
in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You prefer to
lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her
needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually
own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex
just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish
them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the purple
horseshoes out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box.
.
Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all: If you prefer
the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and don't
need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually
become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or
government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl
brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive
lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to
spend writing letters to the editor than any other type.
.
Enjoy your Lucky Charms!
---- Another from the lovely Molly ----
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Chip ;)
PS : Here's a drinking cheer for ya' :
HERE'S TO YOU AND HERE'S TO ME
THE BEST OF FRIENDS WE'LL ALWAYS BE
BUT IF WE EVER DISAGREE
TO HELL WITH YOU AND HERE'S TO ME !!!
------------------------------
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Date: Wed, 5 Apr 1995 17:22:35 -0700
From: Kim-An Lieberman <miette@U.WASHINGTON.EDU>
Subject: Elvis and Jesus
> SOME THOUGHTS ON ELVIS AND JESUS
>
>Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
>Elvis said: "Don't be Cruel." (RCA, 1956)
>
>Jesus is the lord's shepherd.
>Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
>
>Jesus was a part of a trinity.
>Elvis' first band was a trio.
>
>Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
>Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
>
>Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
>Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafai, had 12 members.
>
>Jesus was resurrected.
>Elvis had a famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
>
>Jesus said: "If anyman thirst let him come unto me and drink."
(John 7:37)
>Elvis said: "Drinks are on me." (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
>
>Jesus was a Capricorn. (December 25)
>Elvis was a Capricorn. (January 8)
>
>Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel
According to Matthew)
>Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis:A Golden
Tribute)
>
>"[Jesus'] countenance was like lightning and his raiment white as
snow." (Matthew 28:3)
>Elvis wore snow white jump suits with lightning bolts. (Los Vegas,
1968)
>
>Jesus lived in a state of grace in a near eastern land.
>Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
>
>Jesus was first and foremost the son of God.
>Elvis first recorded with Sun Records, which today are considered to
be his foremost recordings.
>
>Jesus was the lamb of God.
>Elvis wore mutton chop sideburns.
>
>Jesus' father is everywhere.
>Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
>
>Jesus was a carpenter.
>Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
>
>Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
>Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
>
>Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
>Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
>
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