Digest for Thursday, May 04, 1995
There are 12 messages totalling 266 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Sorority Girls Part 1
- Doctor Joke < mild adult theme>
- driving
- Word play
- Matrimony, Radio Recipe, Slow + Murphy
- Month-End Report
- Tattooed
- Not offensive
- right!
- a family potluck
- Dogs Life (slightly profane) (fwd)
- Texas Rancher
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Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 00:54:17 EDT
From: KRIS S. HAMILTON <KSHAMIZ1@ULKYVM.LOUISVILLE.EDU>
Subject: Sorority Girls Part 1 <off. to soroity girls>
What does a soroity girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her Legs
What's the difference between sorority girls and hookers?
Sorority girls cost less per score
What's the difference between sorority girls and elephants?
About 40 pounds
What's the difference between sorority girls and the Titanic?`
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic
Why is a sorority girl like a doorknob?
'cause everyone gets a turn
What's a sorority girls mating call?
"I'm soooooo drunk, I'm soooo drunk"
Tri Delts everyone else has!!!!
What do fraternity boys call hemorrhoids?
Speed bumps
What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs
I hope you enjoy this!!!!!!!!!!
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Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 02:03:34 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Doctor Joke < mild adult theme>
"Well, Mr. Jones, I see by your chart that you think you have the ability
to turn into a human organ."
"That's right, Doc. It's terrible."
"I see you've been a heart, a kidney and a lung."
"Yes. I'm so ashamed."
"What are you, nuts?"
"No, that was last week. Right now I'm a small intestine."
:::::::::::::rimshot!
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Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 05:02:21 -0500
From: Karen Hughes <khughes@INTGP1.ATT.COM>
Subject: driving
The following are a sampling of supposedly real answers received on
exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving
school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders).
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
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Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 06:46:45 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Word play
Three ladies were trying to get an appointment to get their
hair permed and each woman was told that only one appointment was
available and whoever arrived first would get the charming Raoul.
One lady jumped into her sports car and started driving to the hair
salon, and other lady got into her speed boat and cut across the lake
to her car and headed for the salon, the third lady jumped into her
helicopter and made it to the salon first. The moral of the story is
the Whirlybird gets the perm.
* * *
Overheard at a bridge table:
"Did you hear about poor Mrs. Smith? The doctor says she can't have
any more babies."
"Oh, poor dear. So now she's inconceivable?"
(Giggle) "No, no, dearie, you've got the wrong word there. You should
have said that she was unbearable."
"Heavens, what malaprops you are! The correct word is impregnable!"
"Inconceivable!"
"Unbearable!"
"Impregnable!"
(In comes the husband of one of the ladies.)
"Ladies, what's going on?"
"Oh Mr. Johnson, we got into a little argument about Mrs. Smith's
condition. Do you know what the correct word is?"
(Slight pause)
"I believe you should say 'Mrs. Smith is inscrutable.'"
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?
Originally from Phil Swisher <phil.swisher@f1165.n261.z1.fidonet.org>
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Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 19:36:53 GMT+1200
From: MaRViN aND MaLou <MARVIN@CEAC3B.USC.EDU.PH>
Subject: Matrimony, Radio Recipe, Slow + Murphy
"I've been asked to get married plenty of times," said the country
girl with a toss of her head and with some pride.
"Who asked you, Daisy?" asked a boy friend.
"My Pa and Ma," she replied.
-------------------
His wife asked him to copy a radio recipe. He did his best but got
two stations at once without realizing it. This is what he heard
and wrote:
"Hands on hips, place one cup of flour on your shoulder raise
knees, and depress toes; mix thoroughly in one-half cup of milk;
repeat six times. Inhale quickly one half teaspoon of baking
powder, lower the legs and mash two hardboiled eggs in a sieve;
exhale, breathe naturally and sift in a bowl. Attention. Lie
flat on the floor and roll in the whites of two eggs backward
and forward until it comes to a boil. In ten minutes, remove
from fire rub smartly with a rough towel. Breathe naturally,
dress in warm flannels and serve with tomato soup."
When the wife saw the recipe, she fainted.
-------------------
A man and his wife were talking. She said, "Bill, the oddest thing
happened today. That wall clock fell off the wall, and if it had
fallen a moment sooner, my mother would have been hit."
"God!" said the man. "I always knew that clock was slow."
-------------------
Murphy for the day:
--------------------
Allen's Distinction:
The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.
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Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 10:49:03 EST
From: Vickie Arwginski <PUBREL@VUNET.VINU.EDU>
Subject: Month-End Report
All targets met;
All systems working;
All customers satisfied;
All staff eager and enthusiastic;
All pigs fed and ready to fly.
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Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 12:29:42 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Tattooed <adult themes>
A man walked into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a hundred dollar
bill tattooed on his penis. When the owner expressed curiosity about
such an unusual request, the man said, "I have three reasons for
wanting this tattoo...I like the feel of money, I like to see my money
grow and the next time my wife wants to go shopping and blow a hundred
dollars, I figure I can save her the trip." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 13:08:07 EDT
From: R. W-L <Ralph_Welsch-Lehmann@NOTES.PW.COM>
Subject: Not offensive
What does the Elephant say to the naked man?
"How do breathe with that?"
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Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 13:51:00 -0400
From: Aditya, The Hindu Skeptic <a018967t@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: right!
> "Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and his
> left leg??"
> "He's all-right now!"
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Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 14:03:12 -0400
From: MikGreene@AOL.COM
Subject: a family potluck
I'm the last of six chillun's. Five of us are online wasting bandwidth, the
sixth has retired to Arizona and refuses to be ensnared by modern technology.
Getting her to buy an answering machine was a major achievement.
The five bandwidth wasters are gathering in the SF Bay Area in May. One of
my brothers posted this.
"How about a potluck...after all this rain, we've got lots of earthworms. We
skewer them with darning needles , roll them in marshmallow and l'orange dip,
and then roast'm in the Weber! Indescribably tasteworthy...except we don't
eat'm. We feed them to some eels whose ultimate destination is the barbie!
Eel raising is fun...All you gotta do is to keep feeding them and give them
highly oxygenated water and five gallons of water per eel! Simple. Then you
get to eat them....um good! "
My long island sister responded,
"If eel's good, do it."
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Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 16:05:02 -0700
From: Mark S Hutchenreuther <mshutch@SUNED1.NSWSES.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Dog's Life (slightly profane) (fwd)
The dog's outlook on life:
If you can't eat it or screw it, piss on it.
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Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 21:55:39 -0400
From: Gene Child <GeneChild@AOL.COM>
Subject: Texas Rancher <Punny>
The Texas Sheep Rancher
Joe Smith from Texas was a sheep rancher. One Easter when his wife and
children were dyeing eggs the back yard one of the sheep ran got loose. The
sheep ran right under the table where the the bowls of dye were arranged.
The sheep bumped the table, knocking all the dye over onto its back. The
farmer was very irate but when he sent that sheep to market with all the
others in his flock he was amazed to find that dyed sheep brought several
times the price he was able to get for his other lambs. It seems that in the
textile industry they had found that dyeing the wool while it was still on
the sheep gave the finished fabric a unique sheen. The next year the farmer
purposely spilled egg dye over all his sheep before he sent them to market.
He became known as the biggest lamb dyer in Texas.
>From Gene Child & Shaggy Dogs Have Punny Tales
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