Digest for Thursday, June 01, 1995
There are 20 messages totalling 716 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- English euphemisms
- Fresh air?
- Student Blooper History - Part 1/4
- Berries
- Whale removal (true(?) story, gross)
- Humor: Top 10 philisophical questions - answered...
- Amish Joke
- Suicide, Accident, or Homicide?
- Blonde Jokes (Guess whos offended?)
- Sexual Exercise (maybe offensive)
- Drinking
- Church Announcements
- The Oracle replies! (A Sample)
- Religion and sex < offensive to non-liberals >
- Country -Western songs
- Darn Body Oat Meal Stream
- ABC Language
- Harleys and the Pope (off. to bikers and Popes)
- Rorschach test
- restaurant etiquette
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 00:04:07 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: English euphemisms <Indian humor>
I read this joke in an Indian jokebook:
This anecdote is about two Indians settled in England. One had caught on
to some of their quaint euphemisms. The other, a recent settler, was as
yet unaware of them. They were invited for dinner by their English
friends. After they had their drinks, their hostess asked them, "Would
you like a wash before I serve dinner?" The knowledgeable one replied,
"No thanks." The new settler replied, "I washed my hands before I came."
On their way back after dinner the older settler admonished his friend,
"My dear chap, in England 'would you like a wash' does not mean 'would
you like to wash your hands.' It is a polite way of asking would you
like to urinate?" The new settler made a mental note of it.
Some days later when he was invited by another English friend and after
he had his drinks he was asked by his hostess: "Would you like a wash
before I serve dinner?" He replied promptly, "No, thank you madam. I
washed against a tree before coming into your house."
Bill Edwards, HUMOR listowner, BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET (uga.cc.uga.edu)
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 13:26:22 JST
From: Maurizio MORABITO <b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: Fresh air?
Forwarded message:
From: anson@netcom.com (Anson Kennedy)
~Subject: Can Label Stirs Imagination
~Copyright: 1995 by The Associated Press, R
~Date: Thu, 1 Jun 95 14:50:41 PDT
NEW ORLEANS (AP) -- There! On the right side of the can. What is
it? Oh, my, it's a ...
No, it's not, insists the manufacturer.
People are dialing up the Dial Corp., maker of Renuzit's Fresh
Cut Flowers, and claiming they can spot a penis amid the white and
pink tulips on the air freshener label.
``It is a tulip and nothing more,'' said Nancy Dedera, a
spokeswoman for the Phoenix-based company. The anatomical illusion
was caused by the way the pink tulips were cut off along the edge
of the can during assembly, she said.
Dedera said the full picture proves the company's point -- and
Dial is willing to send a copy to anyone who doubts it.
Dial is not recalling the cans but has advised stores of the
problem.
In New Orleans, the questionable portion had been blacked out on
cans sold at one chain drugstore.
Another picture substituting a white tulip for the offending
pink flower is on its way to market, Dedera said. She did not have
figures on how many cans were shipped with the old design.
Dedera said the complaints started less than a month ago even
though the design has been on the market for eight months.
Dial suspects that call-ins on some radio talk shows got the
story going. Rumors followed, for example, that the image was
planted by a disgruntled or soon-to-be fired employee, she said.
---
ciao
maurizio
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 05:35:36 EDT
From: Ted Hermary <CZTH@MCGILLA.BITNET>
Subject: Student Blooper History - Part 1/4
My first posting! - And a repost at that.
Someone posted part of this a while ago. Following is the most
complete version I know of. (Divided in 4 parts for your reading
pleasure.) It came to me via a ton of other 'net-folk, and I've
the deleted 50 (!) lines of headers - sorry if you were actually
interested. Reportedly from _Verbatim_ magazine.
World History According to Student Bloopers
Richard Lederer
St. Paul's School
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History
teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in
an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the
world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by
teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through
college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in
the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the
Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so
certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The
Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular
cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and
Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's
son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma.
Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a
partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but
they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse
to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without
straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David
was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.
They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that
the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he
became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer.
Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last
hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was
not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a
coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the
people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in
Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb
over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the
Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Parisians had
more men.
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 07:30:43 -0400
From: Larry Scott <scott@BUFFNET.NET>
Subject: Berries
There was once an agricultural extension of a community college that
was into growing big fruit. Now we're really talking big fruit here:
they grew blueberries the size of oranges and strawberries the size of
grapefruits. Not only were they big, but they were also the sweetest,
juiciest, most luscious fruit you've ever tasted. Realizing the
commercial value of such fruit, before attempting large scale
cultivation, they decided to insure these fruit. But in order to get
something insured, you need to have it valued for insurance purposes.
What do academics know about insurance anyway? So they look in the
phone book, and call the first entry: the Acme Insurance Valuation
Service. These two guys show up and they are pretty shady looking
characters; they're not wearing lab coats, they're wearing
trenchcoats! The guys from Acme pick up the fruit and start walking
out with it. The scientists are surprised and incensed, and ask "Are
you going to value them here, or give us a receipt, or what?" The two
guys from Acme reply "We have come to seize your berries, not to
appraise them."
Thanks to Dave Coble <dave.coble@equinox.org>
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 08:22:14 -0400
From: Razmus the Innocent <azrael@ACCESS.DIGEX.NET>
Subject: Whale removal (true(?) story, gross)
This was forwarded to me recently... HAD to pass it along.
>> A True-Life Adventure from the Pacific Northwest.
>>
>> --------------
>>
>> The Farside comes to life in Oregon.
>>
>> I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on
>> videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which
>> sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead
>> whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid
>> of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division,
>> apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in
>> the sense of being large objects.
>>
>> So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am not
>> making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking
>> is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be
>> eaten by seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.
>>
>> So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of
>> dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty
>> of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is
>> the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you
>> see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame.
>> Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!"
>> Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like
>> "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY
>> GOD!" Something smears the camera lens.
>>
>> Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation
>> suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale
>> blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked
>> more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were
>> several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There
>> was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to
>> Brazil.
>>
>> This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it
>> often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This
>> is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway
>> Division and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to
>> give us an estimate on the US Capitol.
------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 09:20:02 -0400
From: JBologna James Bologna <JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Top 10 philisophical questions - answered...
This was R. Spain's design for the Macalester Philosophy Club t-shirts. (on
the shirts, the questions are on front and the answers on back...)
(From my NutWorks Archive)
The Top 10 Philosophy Questions of All Time, Answered!
10. How do I know anything really exists?
-Kick it *really* hard.
9. What is the essence of being human?
-Not understanding the opposite sex.
8. If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one there to hear
it, does it make a sound?
-Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.
7. How do I know I'm not just a brain in a vat, hooked up to a
computer simulation of life?
-Look in the mirror. If you see a gray, spongy thing in a
glass container, you are.
6. Can our minds exist seperately from our bodies?
-If they could, we'd just send our minds to class and sleep in
every morning.
5. Is there a God?
-A billion Hindus can't be wrong.
4. What is the nature of Knowledge?
-I'm still trying to figure out the nature of *college*.
3. What is the meaning of life?
-All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
2. Why get a Philosophy degree?
-It's more respectable than a theater degree, but you still get to
drink lots of espresso.
1. So, was Kant on drugs or what?
-Probably.
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 10:20:08 EST
From: Michael Langdon <Michael_Langdon_at_NYERPOB@WFCSMTP.IE3.LEHMAN.COM>
Subject: Amish Joke <Offensive to Amish>
Q: What goes CLOP CLOP CLOP....BANG BANG BANG....CLOP CLOP CLOP?
A: An Amish drive-by.
------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 11:12:40 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Suicide, Accident, or Homicide?
Suicide, Accident or Homicide?
For those of you who were unable to attend the Awards Dinner during
the Annual Meeting in San Diego, you missed a tall tale on complex
forensics presented by AAFS President Don Harper Mills in his opening
remarks. The following is a recount of Dr. Mills' story...
"On March 23 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a gunshot wound of the head caused by a
shotgun. Investigation to that point had revealed that the decedent
had jumped from the top of a ten story building with the intent to
commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he
passed the 9th floor on the way down, his life was interrupted by a
shotgun blast through a window, killing him instantly. Neither the
shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected
at the 8th floor level to protect some window washers and that the
decedent would not have been able to complete his intent to commit
suicide because of this.
Ordinarily, a person who starts into motion the events with a suicide
intent ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanism might be
not what he intended. That he was shot on the way to certain death
nine stories below probably would not change his mode of death from
suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicide intent would not
have been achieved under any circumstance caused the medical examiner
to feel that he had homicide on his hands.
Further investigation led to the discovery that the room on the 9th
floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an
elderly man and his wife. He was threatening her with the shotgun
because of an interspousal spat and became so upset that he could not
hold the shotgun straight. Therefore, when he pulled the trigger, he
completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window
striking the decedent.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the
attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. The old man was
confronted with this conclusion, but both he and his wife were adamant
in stating that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. It was the
longtime habit of the old man to threaten his wife with an unloaded
shotgun. He had no intent to murder her; therefore, the killing of the
decedent appeared then to be accident. That is, the gun had been
accidentally loaded.
But *further* investigation turned up a witness that their son was
seen loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal
accident. That investigation showed that the mother (the old lady) had
cut off her son's financial support and her son, knowing the
propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the
gun with the expectation that the father would shoot his mother. The
case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of
Ronald Opus.
Further investigation revealed that the son became increasingly
despondent over the failure of his attempt to get his mother murdered.
This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23, only to
be killed by a shotgun blast through a 9th story window.
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."
------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 10:44:11 -0500
From: Ex-Junta Leader of the Humor List <paul@TDR.COM>
Subject: Blonde Jokes (Guess who's offended?)
Forwarded from mailing list BUGTRAQ-REQUEST@FC.NET:
Date: Mon, 29 May 1995 18:25 +0100
From: Karl Strickland <karl@bagpuss.demon.co.uk>
To: bugtraq@fc.net
Subject: "Blonde" Jokes from Karl Strickland
Blonde Jokes
How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Why do you take a blonde [sic] shopping with you?
Why does a blonde wear panties?
How does a blond turn on the lights after having sex?
What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?
What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
Why did the blonde have a bruised belly-button?
How do you give a blonde more headroom?
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
How did the blonde get hurt raking leaves?
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
What did the blonde say after her boyfriend blew in her ear?
What do you call 10 blondes standing side by side?
What do you call a circle of blondes?
How do you drown a blond?
What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men?
What goes VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM!
What is the difference between a pregnant blonde and a lightbulb?
What does a blonde say when she finds out she's pregnant?
What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
What does a blond say when she opens a box of Cheerios?
Where does a blonde wash her hair?
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
Why did the blonde have a hard time making Kool-Aid?
Why couldn't the blond make ice-cubes?
What is a blonde's mating call?
What is the brunette's mating call?
Why don't blondes like to wear hoop earrings?
What do you have when there are three blondes in a corner?
How do you know when a blonde has been using your computer?
What do you call a virgin blonde?
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
Why don't they give blondes coffee breaks?
If a blonde and a brunette fell from a building at the same time,
who would hit the ground first?
How do a blonde's brain cells die?
Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?
What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
What do blondes and turtles have in common?
What's the other difference between a blonde and a 747?
What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?
How do you know when a blonde is having her period?
Why did the blonde have a square chest?
Did you hear about the blond who lost 85% of her brains?
Why can't blonde's [sic] fart?
What does a blonde say in the morning?
What did the blonde say after having sex?
What do you call a dozen blondes in the freezer?
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Why do bondes [sic] drive BMW's?
What do a group of blondes have in common?
Why did the blonde get 17 other people together to see a movie?
Why do blondes poof their hair so high?
Why was the blonde happy when she finished the puzzle in a week?
What do blondes and computers have in common?
What is the definition of gross ignorance?
What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the m&m factory?
What is the difference between a circus and a group of blondes?
What do you call the skeleton of a blonde found in a closet?
How do you confuse a blonde?
What do a blonde and a bowling ball have in common?
Source--Unknown
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 11:43:31 EDT
From: Deanna Knight <DLKNIGHT@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Sexual Exercise (maybe offensive)
A young man, anxious for some sexual exercise, picked up a hot little
number in Central Park, not realizing that she was a nymphomaniac. He
took her to a hotel. After six times, she was screaming for more. After
the seventh, exhausted, he slipped out of the room on the pretense of
buying cigarettes. He stopped in the men's room, unzipped his fly, and
couldn't find anything.
In a panic he reached inside his shorts. It was still there, but tiny and
all drawn up. In a soothing voice he whispered, "It's all right. You can
come out now. She's not here!"
***************************
*Deanna L. Knight *
*The University of Georgia*
*Graduate School *
*Athens, GA 30602-7401 *
*DLKNIGHT@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU *
***************************
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 09:11:00 PDT
From: Narasimhan, Seshadri <NARASIS@MTOMP002.ALLIED.COM>
Subject: Drinking <off. British judges>
I read this at sometime during my school days in a textbook. I think the
people involved are a well known English lawyer and an equally well known
judge. (Their names elude me at the present time).
A lawyer at the Old Bailey, waxing eloquent, said, "My client couldn't
have caused the incident, because, at the time in question, he was drunk as
a judge".
The judge perked up and said, "You mean, 'drunk as a lord', don't you?".
"Yes, my lord" came the reply.
------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 09:52:00 PDT
From: Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber (Star <jeffrh@STARWAVE.COM>
Subject: Church Announcements
<forwards making plans for Saturday>
Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in
various church bulletins.
1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends
of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put
me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers
Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the
Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward
and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will
join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new
carpet will come foreward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 10:50:41 -0700
From: MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: The Oracle replies! (A Sample)
Here's a recent question and answer exchange from the Oracle:
(To those not familiar with the Oracle, it's an e-mail address to which
any user can send a question or ask for a question. Questions sent are
usually answered within 24 hours -- the answer may be serious or
humorous, the same is true for questions; however, serious questions
will not usually get a serious answer. I hope you enjoy the following
sample/example).
Oh Mighty Oracle of the Airwaves:
(cyber-airwaves that is, not female navy pilots) --
Please tell me why two of the most popular techno-fiction shows have
merged their formats and become Sea Quest and Star Trek. Is it because
television is slowly but irreversibly becoming homogenized? Will the
six o'clock news merge into entertainment? Will entertainment become
the news? Will the weather report be given by mystery theatre and will
mystery theatre become the news from the Middle East? And how can I
disginguish television ads from real programming? -- are the ads the
longer part?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Aaaah give me the ol'days, when grass was green, and supplicants knew
their place, and the respective proportions of groveling and
questioning! Why, I can remember supplicants groveling for hours, till
you would wonder if it was for the sheer pleasure of grovelling that
they supplicated, and you would nearly be relieved to hear them submit
their (short) (and easy) question afterwards! But no, today supplicants
think they have a right to get an answer, or whatnot, no respect left,
none at all, it's a real shame yes it is that's what I say! Zot'em all,
that's what I say!
And it 's all the same for those fancy little boxes, used to be called
televisions, wouln't recognize one now, with all the antennae and
cables and magnetoscopes and hi-fi devices and phones and faxes and
you-name-its!
Want to change channels and you get the last message someone left on
your answering machine, and instead of turning it off you end up
asking your local store for extra pepperoni! Got the damn thing from
a misunderstanding supplicant, threw it away two days later, and now
another slimy blob eggs me on to answer half a dozen questions about
it?
At this point the door opens, and the Oracle returns.
"What's that, dad? Got a newbie questioning you?..."
[reads the question, then the proposed answer]
"Aw c'mon dad, you can't answer like that! They're only humans out
there, we've got to lower ourselves somewhat to answer their quests!
Tell you what: he didn't grovel enough? Just don't answer all of his
questions, that's all!"
Dad grumbles and nods his respectable head. Oracle leaves, adding:
"And please, dad, don't Zot him! He's not *that* bad."
Dad grumbles some more.
Dear supplicant, here's the answer to one of your questions:
You can distinguish television ads from real programming by noting
how hard it is to get a result from your program when you're using
only a remote control.
You owe the Oracle a decent television set, with nice fat buttons.
In the meantime, I'll watch something on TV...
ZOT!
Oh my dear! I'm *so* sorry! Isn't this a TV remote control?
------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 13:11:19 -0400
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Religion and sex < offensive to non-liberals >
A Catholic priest, a Rabbi, and a Methodist minister were discussing
sin, and the Methodist asked, "Tell me, guys, have you ever sinned and
broken the laws of your religion?" "I must admit," responded the Rabbi,
"I was always very very curious about how pork tastes, so once, just
once, I stopped at a bar-be-que restaurant when I was on a vacation and
ate a pork sandwich. In fact, it was so delicious, I ate four of them,
knowing I'd never have the nerve to sin again like that."
The Catholic joined in, "Well, I had the same curiosity about
sex, and that being forbidden, I didn't know which sex would appeal to me
more, so I once, while in seminary, had a sixteen-year-old girl and her
brother at the same time. I was so overcome with feelings of guilt that
I've never done anything like that again. Well, what about you, Pastor Bob?"
The Methodist said, "My besetting sin is GOSSIP, and I just can't
wait to tell everybody in town what you guys have said!"
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 13:42:30 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Country -Western songs <off. to classical music lovers>
Four of the World's greatest country-western songs: "My Wife Ran Off
With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him", "You Stomped On My Heart
(pronounced Mah Hort) And Squashed That Sucker Flat", "You Were Only A
Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life" and "Oh Lord, It's Hard
To Be Humble When You're Perfect In Every Way". Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 15:13:51 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: Darn Body Oat Meal Stream
(sung to the tune "Down By the Old Mill Stream"
Darn body oat meal stream,
Wear a first mate shoe,
Ouija eyesore blue
Dresden gingham, two.
It was there anew
Thatch a loft me too.
Ewe were sixteen,
Marvel itch Queen,
Darn body oat meal stream!
--Dave Morrah
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 15:11:14 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: ABC Language
"Lament of a 4SAKN Lover"
U 4N female K9's son,
U KG CD flea,
My heart CCCC its hope's DK;
Your AAAA on my QT may
Have B10 me, I C.
U C me 2 N N8 worth
Be W, no less;
Your MT BD glances bore
My II; had I IIIIIIIIII more,
They'd bore me 2 XS.
Y 1 should fall 4 U S hard
4 NE 1 2 C;
Your PP never fit U L;
N this, N all, I U XL;
Yet 0's left 4 me.
With NRG and EZ skill
U 1 1 I love well
I NV U that 1 B9,
U 4N S, and hourly price
4 U 2 B N L.
--Willard R. Espy
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 15:26:34 -0500
From: Atkinson Group, Inc. Brandon Foster <atkinson@INLINK.COM>
Subject: Harleys and the Pope (off. to bikers and Popes)
Q: What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?
A: A Hoover can only carry one dirtbag.
Q: What do you call a virgin in a $300 Hat?
A: The Pope
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 15:12:28 PDT
From: Roger Taranto <RTARANTO@US.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: Rorschach test
A man goes to a psychiatrist who decides to start the man off
with a Rorschach test. He holds up the first ink blot, and the
man says he sees a man and a woman making love in a park. For
the second, the man sees a man and a woman making love in a boat.
The next is a man and a woman making love on a couch. This goes
on for all of the ink blots with the man seeing a man and a woman
making love in various places.
The psychiatrist looks over his notes and says to the man,
"I think you have a preoccupation with sex."
The man replies, "You're the one with the dirty pictures."
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Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 19:04:34 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: restaurant etiquette
Date: 6/2/95
From: Ann Dellarocco
Subject: Restaurant etiquette
Three men of different nationalities were dining out. At the
restaurant, the waitress said:
Excuse me, we are out of meat due to a shortage.
The Texas asked: What is a shortage?
The Cuban asked: What is meat?
The New Yorker asked: What is Excuse me?
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