Digest for Sunday, July 02, 1995
There are 11 messages totalling 344 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- HUMOR - TONGUE GAMES
- Tarzan + Jane (NOT!)
- Male-bashing
- Woman vs. Cow
- Humor: Circa 1938
- HUMOR: City of LA HS Vocab Primer (1 of 3)
- Jewish Joke
- Opera Joke
- Let us pray.
- Hugh Grant
- Microsoft corporate structure (offensive to Microsoft)
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Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 05:32:09 -0400
From: BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: HUMOR - TONGUE GAMES <SEXUAL>
========SYS.LIMIT,UPERR CASE========
THERE WAS A CAPTAIN WHO TAKE HIS WIFE FOR A CRUISE,BUT HE COULD NOT TRUST
HIS CREW , SO HE PUT A RAZOR BETWEEN HER LEGS.
AT THE END OF THE CRUISE HE ORDER HIS CREW TO DROP THEIR PANTS FOR CHECK
UP. THE FIRST ONE HAD A CUT ON HIS PISTOL,THE SECOND HAD A BANDAGE ON HIS
GUN,ONLY THE THIRD HAD NO MARK,SO HE SAY TO HIM "YOU WILL STAY ON MY SHIP
AS MY SKIPPER,JUST TELL ME HOW COME YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T TOUCH
MY WIFE"
"MM..MM..MM..MM.." SAY THE SAILOR.
===============================================================
SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
===============================================================
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Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 08:14:36 EDT
From: Jerry OConnell <oconnell_jerry@ISUS.EMC.COM>
Subject: Tarzan + Jane (NOT!) <crude, sexist>
Once upon a time, there was this little boy ship-wrecked on a desert island.
He was taken in by the apes and raised to manhood by them, he spent the rest
of his life swinging through the trees yelling aww-a-aww-ayaaa-yaaa-yaaaaa!
........Fred was his name!
One day while swinging around in the jungle, he saw a crashed plane with just
one survivor, he saw that the survivor was physically different to him, it
was a woman, he proceeded to feel her breasts with much curiosity, then she
asked "ain't ya seen a woman before man?" Fred replied "Me no see woman
before", she replied "Well fancy that, by the way, my name is Bernie".
Fred goes "Me Fred, you Bernie"! (the usual jungle lingo!)
So Bernie being a horny old bitch, reverts back to the sexual subject, then
pointing at his dick, she asks "so tell me Fred, what do you do for sex if
you have not been with a woman?" Fred chooses to go through the motions to
explain, so he walks to a tree and shoves his dick into a hole and says to
Bernie "this what Fred does, this make Fred very happy" Bernie says "Hey
Freddy, I can make you even happier, you hunky piece of meat, check this out"
as she points to her pussy, "you put 'that' in there and you'll be very
happy" So Fred agrees, firstly he spreads her legs, Bernie can hardly wait to
let this handsome muscular wild man show her a good time........but then he
gives her an almighty kick between the legs, She shouts in agony "AAAAARGH,
WHAT THE FUCK DID YA DO THAT FOR, YOU BIG HAIRY ASSHOLE?, AND THINK AGAIN IF
YOU THINK YOU'RE GETTING YOUR BOOT BACK?!"
So Fred in total surprise replies, "Hey bitch, relax, Fred just checking
for squirrels!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Name : Jerry O'Connell Internet : oconnell_jerry@emc.com
Phone(Intl) : +353 21 281565 Fax(Intl) : +353 21 281523
"I don't have a solution but I admire the problem"
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Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 06:36:37 -0700
From: miette <miette@AMUG.ORG>
Subject: Male-bashing <off. to males, of course>
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Thu, 22 Jun 1995 14:51:21 -0700 (PDT)
From: H Widjaja <hardy@u.washington.edu>
To: Multiple recipients of list <isauw@u.washington.edu>
Subject: [ISAUW-Net] A ladies Joke (fwd)
Here is some thing for you lady folks who usually take the brunt of
the jokes, an opportunity to have a good laugh at the boys.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half
the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
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Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 10:42:00 EDT
From: Donald E Chesnel <dec_c967@NS01.PORTS.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Woman vs. Cow
Q. What is it a cow has four of and a woman has only two of ?
A. Legs
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Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 08:00:13 -0700
From: MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Humor: Circa 1938
[Selections from THE READER'S DIGEST, 1938]
"In the increasingly critical matter of bringing the national budget
into balance, after seven successive deficits which have more than
doubled the public debt, there is too much willingness to expect a
miracle in Washington. . .a very large part of the money which the
Treasury distributes goes straight into the hands of politically
important groups of voters who have come to believe that they have a
properly vested interest in the continuation of such spending. The
influence of these groups can be checked only by a demonstration of the
fact that the prevailing sentiment of the contry is actually in favor
of retrenchment." -- December 8, 1937
"What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than man's
transparency." --George Jean Nathan
"Israel Putnam, the Revolutionary War General, was once challenged to a
duel and given a choice of weapons. He chose an open barrel of
gunpowder with a candle burning at its top. The last to leave would be
the winner. His opponent decided not to insist on a duel, after all."
"Drunks of Woburn, Massachusetts, are to be displayed in a lion's cage
adorned with lanterns and drawn by a sad-faced horse, according to
Mayor William E.Kane's new plan for curbing intoxication."
"When the principal of a Topeka, Kansas, high school caught two
students with ice-cream cones in their pockets, he didn't scold them --
he simply made them leave the cones where they were."
"The police of Zagreb, Yugoslavia, require violators of traffic
ordinances to pull over to the side of the road and deflate all tires.
The number of accidents on the streets of this city has fallen
considerably."
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Date: Sun, 2 Jul 1995 12:55:00 +0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: HUMOR: City of LA HS Vocab Primer (1 of 3) <mild vulg.>
CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL VOCABULARY PRIMER (part 1 of
3)
Widen: "When my girlfriend, Larina, told me she was pregnant I said,
widen you tell me you didn't use no birth control?"
Urinal: "After the police broke down my front door last night, they
said, Darnell, urinal lot of trouble."
Undermine: "There's a fine looking bitch living in the apartment right
undermine.
Stain: "My sister and brother-in-law stopped by the other day, so I
asked them, you plannin on stain?"
Sodomy: "When I go out at night, I like to have a bitch on one sodomy
and another bitch on the other sodomy."
Semen: "I never did know who my papa was cause my mama semen left
and right."
Seldom: "I had two extra tickets to the basketball game the other
night, so I seldom to my friend."
Rectum: "I had two Cadillacs, but my girlfriend rectum both."
Polyp: "On my way home from the Piston's game the other night, I was
involved in a five-car polyp on I-75."
Penis: "I saw my parole officer the other day and he handed me a
little paper cup and said, here penis.
Orgasm: "I asked my cousin Dexter about the death penalty in his
state. I asked if they electrocute em, hand, orgasm."
Oreo: "I told my friend, Alonzo, if he wanted my sister, he could
pay me 50 bucks now oreo me 100 bucks on Friday."
Oral: "My friend Sebastian said, give me 25 cents oral blow your
head off."
Odyssey: "When I got back from the Windsor Ballet, I told my friends,
you odyssey the tits on that babe."
Origin: Posted in one piece to Humor Mailing List <humor-l@cornell.edu> by
its owner Christopher Kline <ckline@TC.Cornell.EDU> on Sat, 1 Jul 1995
01:55:40 -0400 (EDT). Split to comply with HUMOR's rules.
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Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 14:21:55 -0600
From: Howard Bashinski <bashinsk@RASTRO.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Jewish Joke <Off. to Jewish men>
Q: What happens when a Jew with a hard-on runs into a wall?
A: He breaks his nose.
HB
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Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 14:23:59 -0600
From: Howard Bashinski <bashinsk@RASTRO.COLORADO.EDU>
Subject: Opera Joke <off. to sopranos>
Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. She holds it and the world revolves around her.
HB
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Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 17:40:56 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Let us pray.
Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! Lyle's Joke
Boutique.
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Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 22:10:30 -0400
From: Joel Rubin <Joelpyx@AOL.COM>
Subject: Hugh Grant <mild sexual content>
Heard on PYX 106 in Albany, NY
Seen the new Hugh Grant Movie? "The Englishman Who Drove Up the Boulevard
and Came in an Alley"?
He told the hooker his name was "Hugh G. Rection"
He told the cops he was just looking for a TOW job.
Joel Marshall
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Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 23:44:30 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Microsoft corporate structure (offensive to Microsoft)
MICROSOFT CORPORATE STRUCTURE
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BILL GATES
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
CO-PRESIDENT
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks to God
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved
PROGRAM MANAGER
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
NEW HIRE
Makes marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals
INTERN
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls
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