Digest for Monday, July 03, 1995
There are 12 messages totalling 490 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- HUMOR: City of LA HS Vocab Primer (2 of 3)
- A long sleepless night (off. dyslexia)
- Too Long in Japan - 2/3
- Evolution
- OFF THE WIRE
- Sperm Donor (sexual)
- name changes
- It was a submarine
- reposted and broasted
- Lawyer Joke
- HUMOR: Circa 1945
- Humor: Rhapsody on themes from computerland
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Date: Tue, 4 Jul 1995 00:36:00 +0400
From: Jeff Guinzburg <jeff@ISI.NOVIX.NS.CA>
Subject: HUMOR: City of LA HS Vocab Primer (2 of 3) <mild vulg.>
CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL VOCABULARY PRIMER (part 2 of 3)
Menstruate: "With the fashions today you can't keep the women and
menstruate."
Manual: "I told my buddy Tyrone, manual get yourself in trouble if
you keep messing with that hoe."
Letter: "The ugly bitch downstairs came knocking on Darnell's door
the other night and I wouldn't letter in."
July: "After the trial, my mama asked me, did you tell the truth
or July?"
Income: "My girlfriend and I just got into bed, when income my wife."
Horde: "My mama always did have a bad reputation cause she horde
around in her school."
Honor: "At our rape trial the judge asked my buddy Jarvis, who be
honor?"
Homo: "The bitch I'm living with called me at the bar the other
night. She said Darnell, honey, are you coming homo what?"
Fortify: "I asked this bitch down on 6 Mile--How much? She said
fortify dollars. honey."
Formaldehyde: "The police came to my door looking for my cousin Melvin.
I told them there ain't no place formaldehyde in the house,
it be too small."
Foreclose: "If I don't pay my alimony this month, I'll have more
money foreclose."
Fascinate: "My sister Wolanda bought a sweater with ten buttons on it,
but her tits are so big, she can only fascinate."
Disappointment: "My parole officer told me, if I miss disappointment, he's
going to send me back to the big house."
Dimension: "A lot of you ladies been calling in wondering what Darnell
look like. Well, he's tall, dark, handsome, not dimension
hung like a horse."
Derange: "Derange is where the deer and the antelope play."
Origin: Posted in one piece to Humor Mailing List <humor-l@cornell.edu> by
its owner Christopher Kline <ckline@TC.Cornell.EDU> on Sat, 1 Jul 1995
01:55:40 -0400 (EDT). Split to comply with HUMOR's rules.
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Date: Mon, 3 Jul 1995 21:56:44 -1000
From: Bob Engelbardt <bobengel@ALOHA.COM>
Subject: A long sleepless night (off. dyslexia)
What does an agnostic with dyslexia and insomnia do at night?
He sits up and wonders if there really is a dog.
Bob Engelbardt
Kailua, Hawaii
bobengel@aloha.com
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Date: Tue, 4 Jul 1995 04:10:12 EDT
From: Ted Hermary <CZTH@MCGILLA.BITNET>
Subject: Too Long in Japan - 2/3
[Part 2]
You've Been In Japan Too Long When...
...you are not worried about speeding in the rain, because you know the
cops are only out there in good weather.
...you think birds cry.
...you are not surprised to wake up in the morning and find that the
woman who stayed over last night has completely cleaned your apartment,
even though you'll probably never ever meet her again.
...you get blasted by a political speaker truck and think "sho ga
nai..."
...you think its cool to stand in the "Japanese only" queue at Narita
Immigration.
...you develop a liking for green tea flavored ice cream.
...your talking to your mother on the phone, and she asks you what
"genki" means.
...you think the best part of TV are the commercials.
...you think wet umbrellas need condoms.
.. your mother talks about "you foreigners."
...matter of fact, you've never even been skiing, but the rack looks
great on the car...
...you have mastered the art of simultaneous bowing and hand-shaking.
...when you think it's alright to stick your head into a stranger's
apartment to see if anybody's home.
...when you find nothing unusual in a television commercial for candy in
which a model dressed in a high school girl's uniform comes up behind
another model dressed in a high school girl's uniform, grabs her left
breast, gives a devilish grin, and skips away.
...you think that you can impress foreigners by drinking Budweiser.
...you have run out of snappy comebacks to compliments about your
chopstick skills.
...you think "white pills, blue pills, and pink powder" is an adequate
answer to the question "What are you giving me, doctor?".
...when you no longer find anything unusual in the concept of "Vermont
curry".
...you think 4 layers of wrapping is reasonable for a simple piece of
merchandise.
...you don't find anything strange about a city that puts a life sized,
red-and-white painted Eiffel tower imitation in its centre, as well as a
scale model of the Versaille Palace for its Crown Prince.
...you are only slightly puzzled by "Melty Kiss."
...a new Gaijin moves to your neighborhood and you know immediately you
will get his mail for a while.
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Date: Tue, 4 Jul 1995 17:50:01 +0100
From: Marek Jedlinski <marekjed@KRYSIA.UNI.LODZ.PL>
Subject: Evolution <rude>
Two sharks are sitting in a tree. One says: 'Gee, I miss the old
times! We used to swim in the open ocean, and for supper we'd eat
a man or two, not like this shit.' The other looks around anxiously
and answers: 'Shut the fuck up, eat up the honey and we're out of here!'
Marek.
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Date: Tue, 4 Jul 1995 11:19:41 EDT
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: OFF THE WIRE
OFF THE WIRE
News We Just Couldn't Pass Up
An Albany, N.Y., appeals court ruled that a judge was wrong to find a
witness in a murder trial in contempt for wearing a shirt that read,
"If (expletive) could fly, this place would be an airport."
One in 10 British men wear the same underpants two or three days
running and one in 100 wears the same pair all week, according to a
survay just published.
A 35-year-old New York woman dropped her gown -- leaving her naked
except for her leather boots -- before reading the poem "Love Is a
Challenge" at a ceremony where she received her high school equivalency
diploma.
Guards at a New York prison found 40 small bags of marijuana, a plastic
bag with 10 rocks of crack and 37 bags of heroin inside bread sent to
an inmate.
A Denver man accused of pouring varnish on his wife during sex instead
of the honey and chocolate syrup she was expecting has pleaded guilty
to assault and disturbing the peace.
An Iowa economist proposed a novel solution to a problem posed by large
hog lots: an ordor tax. Revenues could be paid to nearby landowners
for putting up with the stench.
An owl in the southern Chinese province of Jiangxi likes television so
much it built a nest in the farmer's house so it can watch the TV every
night.
A man serving a 12-year jail sentence in a Kuwaiti prison has bitten
off and chewed the nose of a fellow inmate. "The attacker had earlier
terrified the victim by barking close to his face like a dog," a
newspaper reported.
Compiled by Ivan Weiss, From The Seattle Times, Saturday, July 1, 1995.
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Date: Tue, 4 Jul 1995 11:08:05 -0600
From: Wade Nelson <wadenelson@FRONTIER.NET>
Subject: Sperm Donor (sexual)
There's a time in every sophomores life when he's dead broke, and needs $20
to go have some beers at the student pub in the hopes of getting laid. One
night I found myself in this position.
I went over to University Hospital (Vanderbilt) where you could donate
plasma for $14, or a pint of blood for $19. Apparently, there were a lot
of other thirsty sophmores that night because both lines were long. I'd
given blood recently, and they kept good records, so I got into the plasma
line.
I instantly noticed a third line, shorter than both of the others, and
moving right along. I asked the guy in front of me what the deal was. He
said it was a line for sperm donors, and paid $25. That's a whole nother
pitcher of beer, I thought. "I can do this, I thought"
I looked around, and no one I knew was in any of the 3 lines, so I moved to
the wackoff line. After standing there a second, I realized the person in
front of me was a woman. What the hell was she doing here, I wondered. So
I tapped her on the shoulder and said "Aren't you in the wrong line?" She
said:
"MMMMmmmmm Mmmmmmm MMMmmmmmmm"
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Date: Tue, 4 Jul 1995 14:56:38 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: name changes
A friend of mine <cdonohue@udel.edu> wrote this in some kind of fit
of boredom.
You see there was this guy once named Luigi, but he didn't like
the name so he changed it to Larry. He didn't really know why he changed
it to Larry, he just did. The good thing was people didn't pick on
him for his name anymore. The bad thing was they still called him Luigi, and
picked on that name. So Luigi, I mean Larry decided to move so that
maybe people might finally know him by another name besides Luigi. He
moved way far way to somewhere where livestock was used in everyday
language and it didn't refer to a music concert. Here he was finally
accepted as Larry. People liked him. He even met the girl of his
dreams, Linda. They started dating. Larry was very happy with Linda.
He started thinking into the future, and wanted to get married. So he
proposed to Linda. Linda was supprised (they had only been dating a
short while). She said "Oh, Larry you are great, but I've always
wanted to marry a Luigi." Now Larry, I mean Luigi was shocked so he
quickly replied, "Wait I really am a Luigi, I changed my name so people
would stop making fun of me." Now we could end this story here and have
Luigi and Linda go bouncing off into the sunset living happily ever
after, but that isn't any fun, besides we'd have a moral like you should
always be yourself and I don't really like that. Instead we're gonna have a
multiple endings. 1.) "Luigi I never really liked you, I was just
using you to make John jealous." (Good ending, very believable, moral is
women are evil.) 2.) "Sure Larry, like I'm gonna belive that one." (Good
ending, also believable, moral is Luigi is an idiot.) 3.) "Oh Luigi
lets get married." Which they do, have several kids, Luigi has a
mid-life crisis and they end up divorced. (Nice ending, believable, moral is
life sucks.) 4.) "Oh Larry, I mean Luigi, I don't care what your name is
let's get married." (Oh yeah right like this one is believable, moral
is life is a dream, WAKE UP.) In the very end Luigi, or Larry, and Linda
die. Well that's how all life ends.
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Date: Tue, 4 Jul 1995 09:57:25 -1000
From: Bob Engelbardt <bobengel@ALOHA.COM>
Subject: It was a submarine
A couple was touring a shipyard area in a coastal city of Italy when they
saw a strange looking craft. They stopped and asked a worker, "Sir, it that
a U-boat?
"No," he replied, shesa belonga to da goverment."
Bob Engelbardt
Kailua, Hawaii
bobengel@aloha.com
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Date: Tue, 4 Jul 1995 18:00:03 -0400
From: John/Mary Ellen McWilliams <jmcwilli@WAVE.SHERIDAN.WY.US>
Subject: reposted and broasted
yet another repost, this time from CJUST-L
> >> > The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
> >> > (taken from the Harvard Crimson)
> >> >
> >> > 10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making
> >> > $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
> >> > 9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
> >> > 8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
> >> > 7. I would never date an undergraduate.
> >> > 6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
> >> > 5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
> >> > 4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
> >> > 3. The department is giving me so much support.
> >> > 2. My job prospects look really good.
> >> > 1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
> >> >
> >> > Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Fellows:
> >> >
> >> > 5. I'm not going to grant any extensions.
> >> > 4. Call me any time. I'm always available.
> >> > 3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
> >> > 2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
> >> > 1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.
> >> >
> >> > You just might be a graduate student if...
> >> >
> >> > ...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
> >> > ...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
> >> > ...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the
> >> > progress of your own joke across the Internet.
> >> > ...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
> >> > ...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
> >> > ...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your
> >> > laptop.
> >> > ...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
> >> > ...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
> >> > ...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while
> >> > researching a single paper.
> >> > ...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider
> >> > "yours."
> >> > ...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
> >> > ...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at
> >> > the library.
> >> > ...you look forward to summers because you're more productive
> >> > without the distraction of classes.
> >> > ...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
> >> > ...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
> >> > ...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
> >> > ...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than
> >> > the actual text.
> >> > ...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are
> >> > now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
> >> > ...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
> >> > ...you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you
> >> > realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
> >> > ...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th
> >> > grade".
> >> > ...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
> >> > ...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting
> >> > scurvy
> >> > ...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry
> >> > ...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards
> >> > ...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as
> >> > "personal communication"
> >> >
John McWilliams
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Date: Wed, 5 Jul 1995 01:03:13 +0000
From: Vito T Dressel <vdressel@ATTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Lawyer Joke
from ev.hager@ix.net who posted on USENET:alt.tasteless.jokes
So these two male lawyers were walking down the street and they spied
an attractive woman.
"Let's f*ck her" said the one.
"Out of what?"
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Date: Tue, 4 Jul 1995 18:06:42 -0700
From: MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: Circa 1945
>
Selections from THE READER'S DIGEST, 1945:
Surrounding Washington's Pentagon Building is a maze of highways. A bus
loaded with War Department employees was circling the building in a
vain attempt to find the road leading to it. The driver kept getting
farther away. Finally, he stopped the bus, flung open the door, and
said, "Folks, you better get out while we're still in sight of the
place."
At lunch one day I jokingly asked our waitress if she reported her tips
on her income tax return. "Of course not!" she indignantly replied.
"That would be double taxation." "How do you figure that out?" I
asked. "Well," she replied, "you have paid a tax on the money you give
as tips, and if I were to pay on what I receive, that would be paying a
tax twice on the same money."
A schoolteacher on a crowded streetcar spots a familiar face and
smiles. The man stares blankly, so she makes the situation worse with a
bright, "Oh! Pardon me! I thought you were the father of one of my
children!"
Ground crews and fliers at an American airfield in China liked the
kindly Chinese who served them, but found some difficulty in
pronouncing their names. This they settled by providing their own
names -- such as Woo Ping and So Long. A particular favorite they
dubbed, simply, Sneeze. But "Sneeze," knowing a little English, felt he
was being ribbed. He finally got so worked up about it that he asked
the Colonel to please make the men call him by his right name. The
Colonel assured him that he would write out such an order at once.
"And," asked the Colonel, "What is your right name?"
"Ah Choo," was the reply.
A sign in a store window read: "Fishing Tickle." Noticing the error, a
customer asked: "Hasn't anyone told you about it before?"
"Yes," replied the shopkeeper. Many have dropped in to tell me, and
they always buy something.
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Date: Tue, 4 Jul 1995 23:28:06 EDT
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Rhapsody on themes from computerland
What with Honours theses due in a little under 24 hours, I thought I'd get
totally bored and write a song parody.
HONOURS RHAPSODY
By Tim Pickett and Scott Thomson
Is this the real world?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a LAN-slide
No ESC to reality.
open(2) your files,
Look after your while()s
In C;
I'm just a cheap boy
I can't buy Symphony(tm)
Because I've wheezy cough, noisy beep
Little cash, little sleep
Anything but Windows(tm),
Nothing beats full adders to me,
To me.
Mama,
Just killed a RAM
Put DECstatic on its pins,
Now I don't see /usr/bin,
Mama,
vi had just been run,
But now I've got to throw it all away
Mama, ooooooh,
Didn't mean to make it fry
If I've no stack to overflow tomorrow,
Carry one, carry one,
'Cause there's nothing like full adders.
Too late,
My time(2) has come
Send lightning down my line
Stop my make(1)ing all the time
Goodbye, everybody,
I've got to know,
Gotta leave you all behind and read Knuth.
Mama, ooooooh, (Anything but Windows(tm))
I don't want to *sigh*
I sometimes wish I'd never known Bourne at all.
I see a little silhouetto of a man(1),
Farramouche, Farramouche, will you do the test question?
Thunderbolt and lightning,
Blowing up my modem, me.
Coniwayo, Coniwayo,
Coniwayo, Coniwayo,
Coniwayo Ronald Pose.
Maurice Castro (oh oh oh oh)
I'm just a cheap boy, nobody sells to me
He's just a cheap boy from a cheap company
Spare him his life from this Honours degree!
Wheezy cough, noisy beep,
Will you let me sleep?
Chriswallace! GNU! We will not let you sleep!
(let me sleep!)
Chriswallace! GNU! We will not let you sleep!
(let me sleep!)
Chriswallace! Will not let you sleep (let me sleep!)
Will not let you sleep (let me sleep!)
Will not let you sleep (let me sleep!)
GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU, GNU GNU!
Oh Mama mia, mama mia,
Mama mia, let me sleep!
Beelzegates has a widget put beside my tree,
my tree,
my tree!
So you think you can clone me and take all my lives?
So you think you can love me and leave me no drives?
Oh, baby,
Can't do this to me baby,
Just gotta c-out, just gotta get write(2) out of here.
Nothing beats full adders,
Anything in C,
Nothing beats full adders,
Nothing beats full adders to me.
Anything but Windows(tm).
--
Source: alt.humor.best-of-usenet
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