Digest for Tuesday, August 01, 1995

Topics of the day:

1. Heroic pig
2. LAST REQUEST.
3. Beech, birch and ash
4. For Women (humor very off to men)
5. OFF THE WIRE (mild)
6. Polish Humor
7. Humor-offensive to cannibals, sexual content
8. The Priest and the Rabbi. (Slightly offensive).
9. Gift ideas
10. Canonical List of Taglines
12. Humor: Assorted Examples

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Date:    Wed, 2 Aug 1995 00:20:32 -0400
From:    Sheldon Brown <CaptBike@AOL.COM>
Subject: Heroic pig

A traveling salesman is making the rounds in farm country.  He likes to start
off by making conversation before he goes into his spiel, but sometimes it
isn't so easy to find a topic.

Salesman: "Sure is a hot one today!"

Farmer: "Yup."

Salesman: "Think we'll get any rain soon?"

Farmer: "Mebbe."

Salesman: "Say, I noticed that pig over there has a wooden leg, I never
saw--"

Farmer: (excitedly) "That pig!  Lemme tell you 'bout that pig, he's the most
amazing amimal I ever did see in all my born days!

"Why, last year, the house caught on fire, we were all sleeping upstairs.
 We'da been goners ifn that pig didn't raise a ruckus and wake us up.  Saved
the whole dern fambly!

"Then, this spring, I was plowin' thet hillside over yonder, got a leetle
steep, the tractor tipped over, fell right on topa me, pinned me to the
ground.  Then the fuel line popped off from the jolt, gas started running all
over the hot engine.  That wonderful pig came over, grabbed me by the strap
of my overalls, pulled me out to safety, jist afore she blew up!

"Why, jist in July, my leetle daughter was a-playin' over by the pond, she
slipped in and, ya know, she cain't swim a lick.  That pig swum out to her,
dragged her to shore, and revived her with the mouth-to-mouth.  Never saw the
 like!"

Salesman: "That's surely an amazing story, but tell me, how come the pig has
that wooden leg?"

Farmer: "Why ya dern fool, a pig like thet, you don't eat all at once!"

Sheldon Brown
Newtonville, Massachusetts

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Date:    Wed, 2 Aug 1995 00:58:11 -0400
From:    BEN SHAUL <UO516@IBMVM.HAI.IEC.CO.IL>
Subject: LAST REQUEST.

 ====== SIS. LIMIT MAY BE UPPER CASE ===========
 HI,CLANCY HANKS,HOW ABOUT THIS LAST REQUEST.

 A GUY'S ON THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.
 THE WARDEN'S JUST ABOUT TO PULL THE SWITCH WHEN THE GUY GETS WEEPY.
 THE WARDEN SAYS, "DO YOU HAVE ANY LAST REQUESTS?"
 THE GUY SAYS, "YEAH... COULD YOU HOLD MY HAND PLEASE ?"
 .
 ===============================================================
 SORRY,SYS.LIMIT,MAY BE IN UPPER CASE.NOT OFFENSIVE OR SHOUTING!
 ===============================================================

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Date:    Wed, 2 Aug 1995 09:15:45 +0100
From:    Mark Mostert <MARKMOST@L.KTH.SE>
Subject: Beech, birch and ash

I found this one on the net at the Imagine Joke Board:

Two tall trees are growing in the woods.  A small tree begins to
grow between them.  One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a
beech or a son of a birch."  The other says that he cannot tell.
   So a woodpecker lands on the small tree.
   The big tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.  Can you
tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
   The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.  He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.  That, gentlemen, is the
best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker in!"

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Date:    Wed, 2 Aug 1995 12:22:33 CET
From:    Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: For Women (humor very off to men)

For Women
---------

"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another.  I'd like to
watch him have another."

A hard man is good to find.

Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."

Man and mouse alike.  Both end up in pussy.

Man who eat macaroni and meat balls, shit yo-yos.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who gets kicked in testicles left holding bag.

Man who lay girl on hill not on level.

Man who lays woman on ground get peace on earth.

Man who loses key to girls apartment get no new key.

Man who marries girl with no bust has right to feel low down.

Man who pees in cash register finds it runs into money.

Man who sells Kotex is crack salesman.

Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.

Man with holes in pockets, feels cockey all day.

Men may come and men may go, but a cast iron dildo is hard to top.

Men who eat like a horse seldom are hung like one.

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Date:    Wed, 2 Aug 1995 12:09:02 +0100
From:    Derryck Lamptey <D.Lamptey@SHEFFIELD.AC.UK>
Subject: OFF THE WIRE (mild)

on Tue, 1 Aug 1995 , KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM> wrote:

]A London electrician became a lottery multimillionaire by using serial
]numbers on cranes at a foundry where he has worked for almost 50 years.
]

Actually, he was from Hull, in Humberside, but we cannot quibble about
that, except to say that London is 4hrs drive from Hull.

OB: HUMOUR. (And this is true!). This aforementioned person from Hull
won it with his wife and their four children, The amount was GBP
20,000,000 (about US$32,000,000 give or take 1 million). I think they
decided to give the kids 3 million each, and keep the remaining 12
million. The nasty twist is that whilst they were in London picking up
their cheque (check=US), their house in Hull was burgled!

Derryck.

p.s. Keith, I see the "London connection". That's where he picked up the
     prize.

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Date:    Wed, 2 Aug 1995 09:04:00 EDT
From:    Lynn, Jon <lynnj@DASW.COM>
Subject: Polish Humor <off. Polacks>

This polish guy was thrilled to get a jigsaw puzzle for his birthday.  He
set all sixteen pieces out on a card table and every day when he got home
from the office he'd set out to work on it.  Finally, one day he jumped up
from the table and ran to the phone. "Sylvia!" he cried, "remember the
puzzle you gave me? I finished it!""

"Gee Stan, that's great," responded his friend after a little hesitation.
"But you mean to say it took you three months to put it together?"

"Not bad, eh?" Stan said proudly.  "On the box it says, 'Two to five
years.'"

==
These three Poles went on vacation together, and to save money they shared
the same hotel room. But three big guys in a double bed didn't make for very
comfortable sleeping quarters, so Bobby gave up and moved onto the rug.

He was just about asleep when his buddy, Joey shook him by the shoulder.
 "You might as well get back in back, Bob-there's lots more room now."
==
Jokes from the JON

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Date:    Wed, 2 Aug 1995 11:46:34 CST
From:    Jeffrey Starke <Jeffrey_Starke_at_pjc-main@SMTPLINK.PJC.CC.FL.US>
Subject: Humor-offensive to cannibals, sexual content

>From the *ERIN* hurricane lookout at Northwest Florida (for our international
readers and those geographically impaired)--The beautiful city of Pensacola.
/\/\/\
What's the similarities between a hurricane and marriage??

In the beginning there is a lot of blowing and sucking
and in the end you loose your house...
/\/\
These two cannibals on a island were going to feast on this body.
One asked how are we going to do this???
The other said you start at the head and I'll start at the feet.

The guy at the head asked the other one how are you doing.
He said that I'm having a ball.

He said your eating too fast!
/\/\
scene: Guy and girl on their first date

After the date he pulls up in his car 200 ft from her apartment.
No one making the first move so the guy pulls down his zipper.
He takes it out and puts her left hand on it.

She slaps him with her right hand and walks 200 feet to her doorstep.
She says I have 2 words for you...drop dead

He says let go....
/\/\
While at a picnic this summer these two guys had to relieve themselves.
They went behind a barn.
The smaller guy noticed how well endowed the larger guy was.
The larger guy said what you have to do every morning is to rub grease on
it.

The smaller guy rubs grease on it for the next year.
At the next picnic the smaller guy was disappointed that nothing happened.
The larger guy asked what kind of grease did you use.
The kid said Crisco.

He said, everybody knows Crisco shortens!
/\/\/\
:-) keep smiling (-:

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Date:    Wed, 2 Aug 1995 10:29:00 -
From:    Howard, Dan <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: The Priest and the Rabbi.  (Slightly offensive).

    So this priest and rabbi are sitting on a park bench one day discussing
their different religions when the priest asks if there was anything the
rabbi had done that was forbidden by Hebrew laws.

    "Well, once I had a ham sandwich" replied the rabbi.  After sitting for
a while he asks the priest the same question.

     "Well, once I had sex with a woman" said the priest.

     Several minutes had passed in silence, and the priest finally exclaims
"Come on, man!  I've just told you the worse possible sin I could commit,
after all, I'm married to God.  Don't you have anything to say????"

      "Well," replied the rabbi, "I bet it was better than a ham sandwich."

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Date:    Wed, 2 Aug 1995 11:39:00 PDT
From:    Narasimhan, Seshadri <NARASIS@MTOMP002.ALLIED.COM>
Subject: Gift ideas <off. ethnics, contains a**>

  A very rich man was having his birthday celebrated. Leaders from around
the world over were present, including <ethnic> leaders.
  Alas, the <ethnic> contingent had forgotten to get a gift. Each <ethnic>
went his/her own way to find one.
  <ethnic1> presented the rich man with a small lime. The rich man was so
offended that he asked his guards to shove the lime up <ethnic1>'s ass!
  After a while <ethnic2> came along and gave her gift, an apple, to the
rich man. This again irritated the rich guy no end and orders were once
again issued to the guards to shove the apple up <ethnic2>'s ass!
  <ethnic1> and <ethnic2> nudged each other and began giggling.
  The rich man turned around and asked, "What do you find so amusing"?
  <ethnic1> replied, "<ethnic3> is bringing you a pineapple"!

heh, heh, heh

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Date:    Wed, 2 Aug 1995 15:24:32 -0400
From:    Jascha Franklin-Hodge <joeshmoe@WORLD.STD.COM>
Subject: Canonical List of Taglines

The following is a small sample of "The Canonical List of Taglines".
Follow the instructions below to retrieve the whole list.
____________________________________________________________________

                   "The Canonical List of Taglines"

                 Maintained by Jascha Franklin-Hodge
                        joeshmoe@world.std.com

Last Update: 1995/08/02 03:20pm EST
File Size  : 216681 Bytes

To receive an updated copy of this list:

  via EMAIL (one part):
        Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com
        put the text "send taglines.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER
        an automatic mailer will respond.
  via EMAIL (multi part):
        Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com
        put the text "send taglines.multi.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER
        an automatic mailer will respond.
        users of services that limit the size of your incoming mail messages
        (ie. Compu$erve) should request this list in multiple parts.
  via FTP:
        This list is available from ftp.std.com, in the directory
        /pub/joeshmoe/humor/taglines.txt
  via WWW:
        Connect to LaughWEB (http://www.misty.com/laughweb/)
        Choose "Enter LaughWEB" from the introductory screen.
        Choose "Canonical Lists" from the main screen
        Choose "Taglines"

To make an addition to the list:
        Send email to joeshmoe@world.std.com
        put the text "add taglines.txt" in the SUBJECT HEADER
        put the tagline(s) you wish to add in the message body.
        please DO NOT put any additional information in the message
        you will be sent a confirmation message by the automailer

NOTE: If you are a media outlet and would like to run a story about this list,
      PLEASE contact me first.  If you found out about this list from a media
      outlet, please let me know (I at least like to know where this was
      written up, even if it is after the fact).


Best diet: Eat as much as you want, but don't swallow it.
Best file compressor around: DEL *.* (100% compression!)
Best way to dispose of the Borg: Give them Windows 3.1.
Better ... stronger ... faster!
Beware of Geeks bearing gifs.
Beware of barking dogs that bite.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Bigamy : one wife too many. Monogamy : same thing
Bill Clinton is the Lyin' King. ( Now playing nation wide )
Bill Clinton thinks that Cheerios are donut seeds.
Bill Clintoon: The prince of Dorkness, a caricature of a president.
Birds are trapped by their feet, people by their tongues.
Black Holes are Out of Sight
Black Holes were created when God divided by zero!
Black clothes: Ideal tool for removing cat hair from furniture.
Black holes really suck...
Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
Blessed are the pessimists, they make backups!
Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be dissapointed.
Bliss *IS* ignorance
Blond Mating Call:  Oh, I'm so drunk [giggle]!!
Blood is thicker than water... and much tastier.
Bo Knows Taglines!
Bo Peep did it for the insurance.
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Bonking with Barbie..
Book never written: "Dog training." by Wille Bite
Boozer's Revision: A bird in the hand is dead.
Borderline psychotic with hermit-like tendencies.
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Bored? Drive the speed limit... in your garage.
Borg spreadsheet: Locutus 1-2-3
Borg?  Where?  I don't se*(#$#..NO CARRIER
Born Again Virgin.
Both of his feet are firmly planted in the air.
Bouncy ball is the source of all goodness and light.
Bow down to me and your life will be much happier.
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
Boy with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
Brain dysfunction detected....
Brain over - Insert coin
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Brain: [...../] Moderator Brain: [\.....] Any questions?

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Date:    Wed, 2 Aug 1995 14:46:32 CDT
From:    Bob Terry <raterry@SAUMAG.EDU>
Subject: <No subject given>

<WARNING: sodomy>

                        ANIMAL HUSBANDRY
               Separating the Sheep from the Goats

     A month ago Humor List carried a tale about a hillbilly put on
trial for swevening a goat.  This joke caused some of my friends to
inquire whether said hillwilliam was an Arkansan.  I must answer with
an emphatic NO!  Must have been from Tennessee.  Whereas we in
Arkansas are rather particular and choose our mates for their beauty,
intellegence, culture, refinement, and wool and mutton yields, our
neighbors in Tennessee have been known to mate with goats!
Therefore, that tale was undoubtedly set north of Nashville--near
the Kentucky border, I would hazard.

     There is, however, a story about a traveling salesman, adept
at ventriloquism, who is traveling through Arkansas.
     He pulls up at a sharecropper's cabin and strikes up a
conversation with a whittler leaning back in his cane-bottomed
chair on the porch.  The farmer is so slow witted that the visitor
decides to have some fun.  Looking at the hound dog sleeping at the
cropper's feet, he asks, "Does that dog talk?"
     "What you mean?" says the cropper, looking at the flatlander as
though he's crazy.  "Course not."
     "Would you mind if I tried speaking a few words to him?"
     "Suit yo sef, but he don't tawk none."
     So the salesman asks the dog, "How does your master treat
you?"
     Then, using his ventriloquism, he has the dog reply, "He's
just terrible to me.  He beats me all the time, and he don't feed
me near enough."
     The cropper is staring wide eyed and slack jawed in
astonishment when the salesman asks him, "And what about that mule
over by the fence?  Does he talk?"
     "Well I sho nuff din't know that dog could tawk," mumbles the
cropper, "but I know fer sho dat mule cain't tawk none."
     So the ventriloguist steps to the fence and asks the mule how
his master treats him, then using his ventriloquism has the mule
reply, "He don't treat me worth a damn.  He works me from kin
t'kain't and gimme naught but a li'l ole dab of oats; see how
spavined I am?  'N iffin I stumble, he beats me something fierce!"
     By now the salesman is enjoying his game immensely and decides
to expand it, "And that ewe [you knew we'd get to sheep sooner or
or later] over there," he asks, "can she talk?"
     By now the old cropper is beginning to lose his own voice and
he squeeks, "Yas, suh, I 'speck she kin, but don't pay her no mind:
she bad to lie."




----- End forwarded message

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Date:    Wed, 2 Aug 1995 20:31:11 -0700
From:    MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Humor: Assorted Examples

>
OFFENSIVE TO LAWYERS:
"How is it you can't get a lawyer to defend you?" the judge asked the
prisoner. "Well, Yer Honor, it's like this...as soon as those lawyers
found out I didn't steal the money, they wouldn't have anything to do
with me."
>
OFFENSIVE TO RICH ELDERLY PEOPLE:
A rich elderly couple were sitting in church when the collection plate
came around. "Don't put in more than a quarter," advised the old lady.
"Look, dear," said her husband, "Andrew Carnegie gave over a half-
million for his place in heaven. Rockefeller gave over a million.
Where the hell do you think my place will be for twenty-five cents?"
>
OFFENSIVE TO FOOTBALL PLAYERS:
The construction company had advertised for a foreman with construction
company experience. Among the applicants was this tall, husky football
jock. During his interview, he was asked if he could read a blueprint.
"Of course," he replied. "I can read any color print. Especially if
it's in English."
>
OFF TO VICTIMS (OR YOUNG MEN, OR FITNESS, CLUBS)
An athletic young man, who always kept his baseball cap on, was heading
for the steam room at a local fitness club when he chanced to see
someone walking out with his clothes.  With only his hat for cover, he
took off after the thief. As he hastened out the door of the locker
room, he bumped into two girls who looked at him and burst into
laughter. "If you were ladies," he said testily, "you wouldn't laugh at
a man in my circumstances." "And if you were a gentleman," said one,
"you'd raise your hat."
>
OFF TO INEBRIATES:
A Boston drunk chinned up to a ticket clerk's window. "Shay," he said,
"how fasht can I get to Chicago?" The clerk pointed at Gate 37 and
said, "That train goes to Chicago in five minutes. "I'll take it,"
replied the drunk. "Thatsh great time."
>
OFF TO PHOBICS:
A patient had an automobile phobia, and his psychiatrist (a bit
old-fashioned) said, "If you had a horse you wouldn't have to drive a
car. "But, Doc," he protested, "Horses can't drive cars!"
>
OFF TO FRED'S UNCLE:
Fred was telling his friend how his uncle tried to make a new car for
himself..."so he took wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a Ford,
some tires and fenders from a Plymouth..." -- "Holy Cow," interrupted
his friend, "What did he end up with?" And Fred replied, "Two years."

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