Digest for Wednesday, August 02, 1995
There are 14 messages totalling 466 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Jew in Berlin 1943
- yodelling joke
- Like clockwork
- What jokes ?
- Horsing around
- Operating systems (off to no-one)
- Barroom humor
- Clean - Adam & Eve
- Genie in a Bottle
- Another parrot joke
- A modern antique?
- Life 8.M
- Offensive: Top 10 Reasons Paul Robinson should be gassed!
- Humor: Inoffensive supercomputer joke
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 09:54:16 +0100
From: Mark Mostert <MARKMOST@L.KTH.SE>
Subject: Jew in Berlin 1943
An old Jewish man was trying to cross a street in Berlin in 1943 when
he accidentally bumped into a burly stormtrooper.
"Schweinhund", said the trooper aggressively.
"Goldberg", greeted the man, stretching out his hand.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 09:38:57 +0100
From: Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: yodelling joke
Question: Why are men from the Alps so obsessed with old ladies?
Response: I do not know. Why are men from the Alps obsessed with old ladies?
Answer: I do not know either but they always seem to be shouting
Yo-Old-lady-old-lady-old-lady...
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Wed, 2 Aug 1995 21:11:23 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Like clockwork <off. to senior citizens>
Three older men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily
functions. The seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I
wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to
tinkle." The eighty year old man says, 'My case is worse. I get up at
eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I
finally have a BM." The ninety year old says, "At seven I pee like a
horse, at eight I flop like a cow." "So what's your problem?" ask the
others. "I don't wake up until nine." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 07:40:00 EDT
From: Lynn, Jon <lynnj@DASW.COM>
Subject: What jokes ? <off. ethics/language>
What's a genius?
An average student with a Jewish mother.
What's so special about Nelson Mandela?
He's the only black man that can stop New York traffic without Windex and a
squeegee.
What's the difference between the Iraqi Army and Ted Kennedy?
Ted has at least one confirmed kill.
What do you call an Iraqi with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the
other?
Bisexual.
What do you call a guy who's half-Chinese and half-Polish?
Somedumfuk.
Jokes from the JON
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 05:30:00 PDT
From: Narasimhan, Seshadri <NARASIS@MTOMP002.ALLIED.COM>
Subject: Horsing around <off. Queen of England, Aussie PM>
(I heard the following when a British comedian was being interviewed by
either Jay Leno or David Letterman. I do not recall the name of the
comedian)
The Queen of England had received the Prime Minister of Australia and the
two of them were returning in her horse-drawn buggy. One of the horses
passes some air (polite British way of saying - farts) rather loudly. There
is a very offensive odour, which dissipates rather slowly.
The Queen, embarrassed, says, "Pardon me".
To which the Prime Minister says, "Oh! I thought it was the horse"!
heh, heh, heh
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 15:12:00 GMT
From: Andrew Walmsley <Andrew.Walmsley@GB.NALEXX.INFONET.COM>
Subject: Operating systems (off to no-one)
Not to sure where this came from so apologies if offended anyone in sending it..
If Operating Systems were Airlines...
DOS AIR
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the
ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the
air, hop on, etcetera.
WINDOWS AIRLINES
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very
attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. Your
jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at
20,000 feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS
The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel
the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight
they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you
please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers
milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely
to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the
sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell
each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets
and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will
have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight
systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the
chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms
and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
WINGS of OS/400
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest
planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them
look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend
to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions
cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first
class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
MVS AIRLINES
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of
technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft.
This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers.
All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of
200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit.
He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get
through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to
the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what
kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually,
they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name.
Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe
they got there.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 17:19:28 +0100
From: Marek Jedlinski <marekjed@KRYSIA.UNI.LODZ.PL>
Subject: Barroom humor <clean>
A man returns in the morning to a bar in which he'd spent the
previous night. "Is it true that I drank $100 worth of booze here
last night?" he asks.
"You did in fact drink $100 worth of alcohol here last night,"
the bartender assures him.
"Thank God," the man says, greatly relieved. "I was afraid
I'd lost that money."
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 12:03:08 -0400
From: Thomas Rowe <trowe@FSMAIL.UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Clean - Adam & Eve
About a day after God made Eve He asked Adam how he liked her.
"I like her fine, Lord."
"Have you hugged her yet?"
"hat's hugging, Lord?"
So God explained it to him and he went off in search of Eve. The next day:
"Adam. Did you like hugging?"
"Yes, Lord. It was wonderful."
"Have you tried kissing yet?"
"What's kissing, Lord?"
So God explained it to him and he went off in search of Eve. The next day:
"Adam. Did you like kissing?"
"Yes, Lord. It was even better than hugging."
"Have you tried sex yet?"
"No, Lord. What's sex?"
So God explained it to him and he went off in search of Eve. The next day:
"Adam. What did you think of sex?"
"I'm not sure, Lord. I had more fun hugging and kissing. Lord: What's a
headache?"
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 08:51:43 -0800
From: Brian Garrison <b_garris@MACSMTP.KLA.COM>
Subject: Genie in a Bottle
Subject: Time:16:42
OFFICE MEMO Genie in a Bottle Date:6/15/95
Subject: Genie in a Bottle <risque>
---------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a pub. He sits down, orders a drink, and places his briefcase
on the bar. Out of his briefcase he produces a miniature piano, and a man of
very short stature (about a foot tall). The short man begins playing a
beautiful concerto much to the amazement of the other tavern patrons.
"That's the most incredible thing I have ever seen! Where'd you get him?",
the bartender exclaims.
The man replies, "The genie in this brass lamp granted me a wish."
"Would you mind if I tried?", asks the bartender.
"Not at all. Be my guest.", answers the man.
So, the bartender retreats to the restroom and summons the genie from the
lamp.
"You have been granted one wish. How may I serve you, Master?"
"I wish for a million bucks.", exclaims the bartender.
"It has been done.", reports the genie, as he retires to his bottle.
Excitedly, the bartender returns to the bar where he is greeted by a million
sqawking ducks.
"Is that genie hard of hearing, or something?", the bartender moans.
The man asks, "Hey...You don't think that I wished for a 12 inch pianist, do
you?"
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 12:29:13 EDT
From: BARNES,LARRY J. <LBARNES@MUSIC.TRANSY.EDU>
Subject: Another parrot joke <two bad words>
The recent flock of parrot jokes made me think of this one:
A meek woman goes to a pet shop to purchase a companion. Since she
lives in a small apartment, she asks about birds. "This parrot is an
excellent talker, ma'am" The parrot looks sideways at the woman and
says "Good morning, madam." "Why, what a well-behaved creature! I'll
take him." She takes the bird home, and he is the model of civility,
always greeting her with a polite "Good morning, madam."
So he invites her equally modest friend over for dinner, who is a
stunning beauty. As soon as the parrot sees her, he lets fly a string
of vile obsenities, turning both ladies scarlet! "I'm so sorry, Evelyn!
He's never behaved like this before!" After her friend leaves, she dec-
ides to teach the bird a lesson, so she shoves him in the refrigerator
for an hour, and sticks him back on his perch. Opening one eye slowly,
shivvering, he slowly grabs hold of his perch. "Hoo, boy! I better be
careful with this owner!"
But the next time the lady comes over, he can't help himself. Out
flies another sting of profanity! This time, the owner wastes no time,
and in front of her guest stuffs him right into the freezer! When he
is retrieved, it takes a full hour for him to thaw on his perch and
warm up.
A few days later, she looks the vile bird in the eye: "Listen, you,
my boss is coming over for dinner tonight, so you better behave your-
self!" "Yes, ma'am!!"
But her boss is over two hours early, in time to visit in the
kitchen while she prepares dinner. While the parrot watches, she plucks
a chicken, turns the oven up to 400 degrees and sticks it in. At the
top of his voice, and in front of her boss, the parrot exclaims:
"Holy shit! I wonder what the fuck *he* said!!"
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 13:39:07 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: A modern antique? <off. to lawyers>
A man walked into an antique shop looking for something unusual. In a
dusty corner he found a brass statue of a rat. It was very unusual so
he asked the shopkeeper how much he wanted for it. "$50 for the statue
and $1,000 for the story behind it." "I don't need any story," the man
said as he handed over $50, took the rat, got in his car and headed for
home. He stopped at a stop light and noticed rats were pouring out of
all the buildings and sewer grates around him and were heading for his
car. The light changed and he sped off but when he looked in his rear
view mirror he saw a huge horde of rats racing after him. He drove as
fast as he could to the beach, jumped out of his car and hurled the
statue as far out into the ocean as he could. The horde of rats ran
past him and every one of them leaped into the ocean after the statue
and they all drowned. The man drove back to the antique store and when
he walked in the shopkeeper said, "I knew you'd be back for the story!"
"To hell with the story, I came back to see if you have a statue of a
lawyer!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 13:00:13 -0700
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 8.M
Date: 10 Sep 92 11:26:25 PDT (Thursday)
From rec.humor
-----
I just saw Helen Keller's dog crossing the road last night! There was just a
little traffic (3-4 cars each direction in my vicinity), and this dog ran
across the road. It managed to get through the two or three cars on my side,
and there were but two oncoming cars. The first passed the dog, and I could
see Rover speed up trying to get by in front of the second. But our
canine friend wasn't quite fast enough to make it, and the car got there
slightly before he did. So he just plowed into the side of the car.
Naturally, since the car was going 40-45 mph, this imparted a nonzero
angular momentum to Rover. He spun around about five times, fell down, got
up and ran into the adjoining field, and just stood there for a few
seconds. Then he shook his head a few times, looked around for the good-for-
nothing who had sucker-punched him, and trotted off, apparently unconcerned.
Man, if Rover had been just a few steps faster, the car would have
broadsided him, and then there's have been an entirely different story to
tell.
When storm door/newspaper/feed the hungry/etc solicitors call,
my friend listens to their entire spiel (sometimes they'll go
on for close to 5 minutes before they wind down if you don't
interrupt them). Then, he says "Oh, I'm sorry. I think I missed
something, could you repeat that?" THEY hang up on HIM.
How Long Have You Been Teaching?
1. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you
in a checkout line?
2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of
the table?
3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter
a theater with a group of friends?
4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
5. Do you refer to "snack time" as "happy hour"?
6. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and
mittens as they leave your home?
7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who
repairs your car?
8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic
who fails to repair your car?
9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a
number in the phone book?
10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand
him/her the money at a tollbooth?
12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to
share with the group?
If you answered yes to more than two of the above items, you are
hooked on teaching.
If you answered yes to more than half of them, you're probably
beginning to think about retirement.
If you answered yes to more than ten, you'll always be a teacher,
retired or not!
"The things that come
To those who wait,
Are the things left
Behind by those who
got there first"
-Steven Tyler
(Aerosmith)
From: <WAUGH@SLACVM.SLAC.STANFORD.EDU>
Subject: Re: Stupid road signs (was: Stupid Instructions)
A personal favorite on 880 south in Hayward (California):
A Street
Downtown
(Don't get me wrong, I'm a Democrat myself, but, as Dave Barry says, they have
the leadership skills of celery.)
Heard on VH-1's Stand-Up Spotlight tonight:
"If the Democrats had to form a firing squad, they'd get in a circle."
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" <p.ryan@uws.edu.au>
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 20:57:10 EDT
From: Paul Robinson <paul@TDR.COM>
Subject: Offensive: Top 10 Reasons Paul Robinson should be gassed!
From: Paul Robinson <paul@tdr.com>
Organization: Tansin A. Darcos & Company/TDR,Inc. Silver Spring, MD USA
----
The following is intentionally offensive. Ignore it if you don't like it.
In keeping with fair play, I am now posting a rebuttal to my prior message
which was titled "Top Ten Reasons why the Holocost was a good idea!" Some
people say about others, "He can dish it out but he can't take it," this
will give you the chance to see if you think that applies to me. This was
(with material I added to make it nastier and more spiteful) the rebuttal
to my posting that was sent to me by a Jew who liked my message and wanted
to show me his appreciation. As with my posting, it is full of
stereotypes, misconceptions and errors. That's what makes it funny!
So here's something We hope you really won't like. Just wait for August
6, you're going to really be offended by that one!
****
Tansin A. Darcos & Company/TDR, Inc.
(Not affilliated with Worldwide Pants, Inc.)
Presents
Top Ten Reasons why we should make our own Gas Chamber and put Paul
Robinson in it!
>From the Home Office in Silver Spring, Maryland, tonight's
Top Ten Reasons why we should make our own Gas Chamber and put Paul
Robinson in it:
10. The United Negro College fund has said they wish someone would
waste his mind.
9. Raises the intelligence level of the American gene pool.
8. Someone could use a new heart, liver, kidneys, lungs, pancreas,
spleen, and gall, since he's got lots of it. On second thought,
strike 'heart', anyone who could post a message like that has a
heart of stone!
7. Can get all the parts we need at the local Hechinger's Hardware.
6. Makes a new job opening at TDR corporation; helps with unemployment.
5. The hundreds of pounds of body fat he has could feed the homeless.
4. An added bonus from Maul Paul err I mean Pall Mall cigarettes.
3. The human body has about six million cells. We'd kill 'em all and
therefore be able to rival Hitler!
2. The government wouldn't want such a dangerous personage wandering
around the streets of Silver Spring, Maryland, which is a short
car-trip away from the nation's capital.
(drum roll)
And the number one reason why we should make our own gas chamber and put Paul
Robinson in it is:
1. It is well known that Paul Robinson is worthless and is just taking
up space, wasting it, day in and out, anyway, so it would help with
the world overpopulation problem!
(Cymbal Strike, band plays "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights")
--
Copyright 1995, Tansin A. Darcos & Company/TDR, Inc. Among other things,
"Above All else...We shall go on..." we sell and service
"_And continue!_" ideas. Dial
1-800-TDARCOS
if you are looking for ideas for something, ideas
and implementation, implementation of other people's
ideas, including new products and services your company
might be able to sell, contact us.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 20:59:55 GMT-5
From: Joe F. Walenciak <JWALENCI@ACC.JBU.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Inoffensive supercomputer joke
The following was passed on to me. I don't know its source, but it
is good for a chuckle.....
Imagine that CRAY decides to make a personal computer. It contains
16 600Mhz Alpha-based processors executing in parallel, has 512
megabytes of RAM, 4.5 Gigabytes of disk storage, a holographic
display with a resolution of 4096x4096 pixels, an artificial
intelligence OS, does 24-bit 3D graphics in realtime, relies entirely
on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt picket, and costs
$300.
What is the first question the computer community asks?
"Is it DOS compatible?"
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index