Digest for Thursday, August 03, 1995
There are 14 messages totalling 502 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Trees In Freezer/Clean
- All sorts of funny stuff
- Strange Sex Laws (may be offensive to offenders)
- From Lindsay Clevelands newsgroup, dsc.cuties:
- Heaven Can Wait
- Humor: Can you follow directions?
- Men
- Divorced from reality?
- HUMOR: Minuet
- my favorite parrot joke,mildly sexual
- Electro Commandments
- bigamy
- Windsors (Duke and Duchess) Potentially offensive to British Royals and Janet Reno.
- Ellis Island & The Rabbi (2 stories)
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Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 04:42:39 EDT
From: Duck, Leonard <LDUCK@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Trees In Freezer/Clean
Read this in Reader's Digest sometime back.
This woman and her husband had gathered different kinds of vegetables
out of their garden and was putting them in the freezer. The woman was
preparing the stuff and her husband was putting it in containers and
labeling them. Later when she went to get something out of the freezer
she noticed some of the containers were labeled, "TREES". When she ask
her husband why he labeled the conatiners "TREES" he said cause he couldn't
spell broccoli.
Have a nice day,,,
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Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 07:49:00 EDT
From: Lynn, Jon <lynnj@DASW.COM>
Subject: All sorts of funny stuff <off. almost everyone / language>
A man had been living in the woods for twenty years and walks into this
hick bar. He down sits at the bar and says "Yeah, I'll have a scotch and
a whiskey... and you got any nice women around here ?". "No" replied the
bartender.. "but there's old Joe in the back..". "I don't go for any of
that shit!!" said the man. So he gets up and leaves. Five years later
the man goes back into the same hick bar, sits down and says "Yeah, I'll
have a scotch and a whiskey... and you got any nice women around here ?".
"No" replied the bartender.. "but there's old Joe in the back..". "I don't
go for any of that shit!!" said the man. So he gets up and leaves. Five
years later the man goes back into the same hick bar, sits down and says
"Yeah, I'll have a scotch and a whiskey... and you got any nice women around
here ?". "No" replied the bartender.. "but there's still old Joe in the
back..".
So finally the man asks "Well, if I were to do it with old Joe, who would
find
out ?". The bartender replied "Well, there's you..... there's old Joe....
and there's two other guys.....". "Two other guys...for what ?" replied the
man.
"To hold old Joe down... he don't go for that shit either!!" replied the
bartender.
compliments of Rain Man
-----
This young Irish bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and
told him that her
and her husband wish to start a family. "We've been trying for months now,
and I don't seem
to be able to get pregnant". "I'm sure we'll solve the problem," the doctor
reassured her. "If
you'll just get up on the examining table and remove your underpants."
"Well, all right, Doctor,"
agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby."
-------
How can you spot a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have any balls.
------
Why did the little boy think his father had two penises?
He saw him use a small one to pee with, and a big one for
brushing the baby-sitter's teeth.
------
How do you find a foxhole?
Lift its tail.
------
What can a duck do that a goose can't and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
------
Why will history decide Ronald Reagan was a great actor?
Look at the way he played President for eight years.
------
What do Madonna and a Boeing 747 have in common?
They both have black boxes.
------
Why is an aging prostitute like Timex watch?
They both take a licking and keep on ticking.
------
Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three
different kinds of sex?
- First, there's House Sex: when you make love all over the
house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere,
anytime.
- Then comes Bedroom Sex: once the kids are fed, bathed and
asleep, the shades pulled down and the door locked, you make
love in the bedroom.
- Last comes Hall Sex: That's when you pass each other in the
hall and snarl, "F**k You."
Jokes from the JON
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Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 08:09:17 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Strange Sex Laws (may be offensive to offenders)
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or
fishing on your wedding day.
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife
so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed
to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or
holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members
of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if
they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have
twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when
a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love
on the floor between the beds!
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide
each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they
are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless
they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having
sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.
(There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset
inspector.)
However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing
corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered
body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded
American male."
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any
suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from
behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes
before getting out of his car to investigate.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a
table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two
ounces of clothing.
Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their
lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they
are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked
vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has
drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you
can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.
Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio --
a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the
boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with
a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local
newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
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Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 08:44:43 -0500
From: Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: From Lindsay Cleveland's newsgroup, dsc.cuties:
An agency doing some research into juvenile delinquency decided to phone
a "representative" number of households around 10:00 PM and ask if the
parents knew where their children were.
Well, at around half the numbers they called, they got kids on the phone
who hadn't the foggiest clue where their parents were!
(Honest!)
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Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 08:14:30 -0800
From: Brian Garrison <b_garris@MACSMTP.KLA.COM>
Subject: Heaven Can Wait <viewer dis
Mail*Link(r) SMTP Heaven Can Wait <viewer discretion>
> Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
> Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell
> the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
> been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
> deaths. So what's your story?"
>
> So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
> has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and try to catch
> her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
> something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
> this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the
> balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
> 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating
> on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall
> off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and
> starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that
> for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell
> into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I
> ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge
> where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and
> anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
> balcony."
>
> "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
>
> The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
> full, and again asks for his story.
>
> "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
> my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
> balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
> I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
> balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very
> long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought
> for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I
> held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
> hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but
> again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
> right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
> refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
> and now I'm here."
>
> Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
> horrible death.
>
> The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
> process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
> for his story.
>
> "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
> refrigerator..."
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Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 13:10:33 EST
From: Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@MERCURY.CSG.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Can you follow directions? <Classic>
"Can you follow directions?" (three-minute time test).
1. Read everything before doing anything.
2. Put your name in the upper right-hand corner of this paper.
3. Circle the word "Name" in sentence two.
4. Draw five small squares in the upper left-hand corner of this
paper.
5. Put an X in each square.
6. Sign your name under the title of this paper.
7. After the title, write "Yes, yes, yes."
8. Put a circle around sentence seven.
9. Put an X in the lower left-hand corner of this paper.
10. Draw a triangle around the X you just put down.
11. On the back of this paper, multiply 703 by 66.
12. Draw a rectangle around the word "paper" in sentence four.
13. Loudly call out your first name when you get to this point in the
test.
14. If you think you have followed directions carefully to this
point, call out "I have."
15. On the reverse side of this paper, add 8950 and 9850.
16. Put a circle around your answer and put a square around the
circle.
17. Cout out in your normal speaking voice, from ten to one backward.
18. Punch three small holes in the top of this paper with your pencil.
19. If you are the first person to get this far, call out loudly, "I
am the first person to this point, and I am the leader in following
directions."
20. Underline all even numbers on the side of this page.
21. Put a square around every number written out on this test.
22. Say out loud, "I am nearly finished, I have followed directions."
23. Now that you have finished reading carefully, do only sentence
two.
(Variations on the test date back to my knowledge at least until 1961
when a favorite 9th grade teacher treated my class to a 20-item
version of this test. This particularly version appears in Urban
Folklore from the Paperwork Empire by Alan Dundes and Carl R. Pagter,
American Folklore Society, 1975).
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Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 19:07:06 +0100
From: Marek Jedlinski <marekjed@KRYSIA.UNI.LODZ.PL>
Subject: Men <off to men>
Q: What's the difference between a man and a john?
A: None, really. Both are either engaged or full of shit.
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Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 13:16:22 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Divorced from reality?
A woman walks into a lawyer's office seeking to divorce her husband.
The lawyer asks if she has grounds and she says, "Oh, yes. We have a
nice front yard and a beautifully landscaped back yard too." "No, no,
that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, yes, and it's a
big one. Two cars fit into it very easily." The lawyer is starting to
get frustrated and says, "Does your husband beat you up?" "He sure
does," says the wife, "he gets up before I do everyday and fixes
breakfast." "Good Lord, why in the world do you want to divorce him?"
"I think we have a serious communication problem," she answers.
Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 14:53:33 -0400
From: Clare Haney <MizzDarla@AOL.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: Minuet <sexual innuendo, language>
A friend of mine from Washington Univ. asked me to post this one.
There were tow old ladies sitting on a park bench reminiscing about the
goold old days. Well the first one says to the second lady; "Well, Ethel, do
you remember the minuet?"
And Ethel replies, "Well, Gertrude, I can hardly remember the men I
fucked."
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Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 13:34:54 -0700
From: John B Tanner <fatjac@HOOKED.NET>
Subject: my favorite parrot joke,mildly sexual
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at
all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the
rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters " I
wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says " With my prick, you dummy."
The guy is startled an says " You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says " Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discus
politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says " Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says " There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you
offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the
Giant's lost, the pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and
says " Come in and shut the door."
The guy says " What's up?"
The parrot says " I don't know how to tell you this but the mail man came
today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right
on the lips."
The guy says ' Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says " Then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says " He did?"
The parrot says " Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on
her breasts."
The guy says " My God, what happened next?"
The parrot says " I don't know. I got a hardon and fell off my perch."
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Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 15:54:57 -0500
From: Richard T. Linton <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU>
Subject: Electro Commandments <not off, electric humor>
The following is part of the "Electro Commandments" from the Safety Division
of Rockwell International (c. 1979).
Aimed more at technicans and people who work with electricity
The Electro Commandments (partial list)
1. Beware the lighting that lurketh in a charged condenser lest it cause thee to
bounce upon thy buttocks in a most unworkman like manner.
2. Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to be opened
and thusly tagged that thy days may be long in this earthly vale of tears.
3. Tarry not among those fools that engage in intentional shocks. They are
surely
non-believers and are not long for this world.
4. Take care thou useth the proper method when thou taketh measure of a high
voltage
circuit so that thou dost not incinerate both thee and thy test meter. For
verily, though thou hast no account number and can easily be written off, the
test meter doth have one and as a consequence bringeth woe unto thy
supervisor.
5. Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou so doest thy mates will
surely
be buying beers for thy widow and consoling her in certain other ways not
generally acceptable to thee.
6. Trifle not with radiooactive tubes and substances lest thou commence to
glow in
the dark like a lightning bug and thy wife be frustrated nightly and have no
further use for thee except for thy wages.
____________________________________________________
Richard Linton Ways to reduce stress #23:
EPRI HVAC&R Center Write a short story....
UW-Madison using alphabet soup.
(608) 265-3008
http://www.engr.wisc.edu/centers/tsarc/tsarc.html
____________________________________________________
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Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 18:37:38 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: bigamy
Just came across a book, Jokes for all Occasions, from l921, edited
by Edward Cloke. (The jokes are really bad. Here is a good one)
What is the penalty for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
(Have a nice weekend, everyone).
--
Ann Dellarocco
Internet: anndell@rdz.stjohns.edu
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Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 20:19:37 -0400
From: Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Windsors (Duke and Duchess) Potentially offensive to British Royals and Janet Reno.
On the rehu-l, there has been an on-and-off discussion why Edward VIII
had to abdicate when he wanted to marry Mrs. Simpson. Some one offered
the suggestion that, despite the official reason that the head of the
Church of England could not marry a divorced woman who had a living
husband, she was, compared to the female royals, a much "flashier,
snazzier looking lady." To which someone replied, "Compared to the
British royals, even Janet Reno looks like a beautiful, fashionably
dressed lady."
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Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 19:37:10 -0700
From: MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Ellis Island & The Rabbi (2 stories)
>
The following two ethnic stories are, I think, exempt from being
politcally incorrect because the first one is told in Armenian circles,
and the second one has been told several times by a Rabbi who is a
member of our town's (multi-) Religious Council which is made up of
Catholic, Protestant, Jews, and Bahai members. The Rabbi story is
true.
>
An Armenian is visiting New York for the first time and is looking for
a restaurant. Since, it is late at night he is willing to settle for
whatever he can find open. As he walks along, he sees a restaurant
with its lights on and a sign over the store that says "Sam Ting."
Well, he thinks he is very lucky because he likes Chinese food. He
enters the restaurant, finds a seat, and is handed a menu.
>
When he opens the menu, he sees all his favorite Armenian dishes:
lahmejun, minted lamb, losh kebab, rice pilav, paklava, khadiyef,
choureg, and so forth. So, being very curious, he calls the waiter over
and asks to see the owner. And he says to the owner, who is very
obviously Armenian himself, "How come this place has a Chinese name."
"Well," he answers, "it's like this." When I came through Ellis Island
I spoke very little English and mostly depended on my uncle who was in
front of me in line. So, when the man in charge was done with my uncle,
he turned to me and said, "What's your name, son?" and I said, "Sam
Ting"..."and that's what the he wrote down!"
The Rabbi in our town took a trip to China. After he arrived, he
stopped at a restaurant for lunch. As his waiter spoke fairly good
English, and as the place wasn't very busy, he thought he would inquire
a little bit into the local culture of the town. So, he said to the
waiter, that this was his first trip to China and he was curious about
whether there might be any Chinese Jews. So, the waiter, said, he
didn't know but he would ask his boss........After a very long time,
the waiter came back and said that he was very, very sorry but that
they did not know about any Chinese Jews, that they only have Tomato
Jews or Orange Jews.
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