Digest for Friday, August 04, 1995
There are 6 messages totalling 201 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- humor : Bill Gates and the Gates of Heaven
- SLUGGO Press Release
- Why Windows is so slow (off. to Microsoft)
- Limericks #2
- Family honor
- possibly offen. to Chinese
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Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 15:30:00 EET
From: Nico van der Vyver <nico@AZTEC.CO.ZA>
Subject: humor : Bill Gates and the Gates of Heaven
Here's one with compliments of my good friend Liz the Wulffie :
Clinton, Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were magically whisked before God, Who told
them that He was going to destroy the world next week. When they were
returned, each of the three addressed his people:
Clinton said: "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there
really is a God. The bad news is that the world will end next
week."
Yeltsin said: "I've got bad news and worse news. The bad news is
that there really is a God. The worse news is that the world will end next
week."
Gates said: "I've got good news and better news. The good news is that God
puts me equal to Clinton and Yeltsin. The better news is that after next
week, we won't have to worry about the Justice Department anti-trust
investigations."
Nico
_________________________________________________________________________
I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead.
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Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 09:44:58 -0400
From: Imre Kertesz III <Ikertes@AOL.COM>
Subject: SLUGGO Press Release
MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO ROOSTERS, DEAD PEOPLE, BITS
OF BROKEN FURNITURE, AND HOUSEPLANTS. PLEASE DONT
READ IF YOU FALL IN TO THESE CATEGORIES. THANKS-
DISCLAIMER:
SLUGGO NEWS BRIEFS is a parody of daily international news.
Every person, government, religion, etc. that makes headlines
is a target. I don't discriminate. SLUGGO NEWS can be
offensive; there are too many topics to provide individual
disclaimers. I welcome any suggestions, input, or criticism.
The Newsguy - Ikertes@aol.com
_______________________________________________________
SLUGGO NEWS - BY THE NEWSGUY v18
HIGHLIGHTS
1. (USA) Six astronauts were forced to spend an unscheduled
eleventh day in orbit on 19 September after squabbling with
NASA regarding contracts and pay negotiations. A spokesman for
NASA announced the proposed pay ceiling for astronauts only two
days after the space shuttle Discovery's launch. Angry with the
new restrictions, the astronauts refused to land the multi-
billion dollar vehicle until NASA agreed to remove the
restriction. The only astronaut who disagreed with the "strike",
exchange cosmonaut Sergei Kalashnikov, was dismembered and added
to the Discovery's food supply for the extended trip in orbit.
The shuttle is scheduled to land at Edwards Air Force Base in
California, pending outcome of the dispute.
-SLUG, 27 Sep-
2. (BOSNIA) Heavy fighting and shelling erupted in the Bosnian
capital Sarajevo on 18 September while Serb forces besieging the
city kept up a blockade of water and power supplies. The
commander of UN forces in Bosnia, former U.S. president Jimmy
Carter, warned Serbs and Moslems to stop fighting in Sarajevo and
threatened to nuke them if they continued. At home, U.S.
Secretary of Dung Beetle Activities Warren Christopher tried to
urge caution at interference with Serb forces but was sent to his
room. -GEUTER, 27 Sep-
3. (SAUDI) A London-based Saudi opposition group said on
Thursday that a previously unknown group in Saudi Arabia had
issued a warning of bomb attacks and kidnappings of Westerners
and Saudi royalty if an imprisoned cleric is not released. The
unknown group, believed to be headed by an anti-paladin,
issued the warning after their party was ambushed by goblins
and stripped of their magic items. The cleric was taken in to
custody despite attempts the party's magic-user made to
cast a lightning bolt on the perpetrators.
-SLUG, 25 Sep-
CAPSULES
1. (NORTH KOREA) North Korea accused the Occupational Safety
and Health Administration (OSHA) of complicating nuclear talks
with the United States by demanding to inspect North Korean
facilities. North Korea said on 19 September that OSHA was
creating obstacles for a solution of the nuclear issue by
placing hundreds of thousands of bright, orange cones in
doorways, catwalks, parking lots, restrooms, control rooms,
and offices of North Korean nuclear installations.
-SLUG, 27 Sep-
2. (YUGOSLAVIA) Bosnian Serbs, aware of growing divisions among
international peacemakers, said on Thursday they would defy U.S.
threats of the use of a new weapon on them. The gigantic,
electric powered flyswatter with a 1600 ft. handle and 120' by
120' squash-pan is said to be able to crush a Soviet T-70 on the
first swat. The giant weapon was loaned to UN forces under the
command of former U.S. president Jimmy Carter.
-SMEDGE, 27 Sep-
3. (BRAZIL) Brazilian Mining and Energy Minister Alexis
Stepanenko resigned on 19 September amid charges that he used
mining explosives to incinerate the Centrist Presidential
candidate, Senator Fernando Henrique Cardoso. Mr. Stepanenko
claimed that the accident was merely a case of spontaneous
combustion but stepped down regardless. -SLUG, 27 Sep-
4. (LATVIA) Latvia's parliament on Thursday approved a new
coalition government headed by former U.S. President Jimmy
Carter, putting an end to a two-month political crisis in the
Baltic state. -BLOATER, 27 Sep-
5. (U.S./CANADA) The Canadian navy seized two U.S. fishing
boats on 26 Sept in international waters, enforcing its
interpretation of laws regulating poaching. The boats were
appropriated, and added to the Canadian fleet, thus doubling
the size of the Canadian armada. -DUH, 26 Sept-
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Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 13:47:54 -0400
From: Mike Kidulich <MJKidulich@AOL.COM>
Subject: Why Windows is so slow (off. to Microsoft)
The reason Windows is so slow is that it relies on managers to do the work-
File Manager, Program Manager, Print Manager....
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Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 19:46:00 +0100
From: ROBERT APPLETON <robert.appleton@SOL.KISS.DE>
Subject: Limericks #2 <naughty but cute>
There was a young maiden from Siam
Who said to her lover, young Khayyam
To seduce me of course
You will have to use force
Thank goodness you're stronger than I am
A clever commercial female
Had prices tattooed on her tale
And below her behind
For the sake of the blind
A duplicate version in Braille
There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway
She told her young man
Get off the divan
I think I've discovered one more way
======================================
robert.appleton@sol.kiss.de
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Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 20:59:01 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Family honor <adult themes>
An Italian father decided to send his son to America to begin a new
life. As a going away present, the father gave him The Family Pistol.
A priceless symbol of family honor. After several years, the son
became rich and successful and sent for his family to join him.
Touring his son's lavishly furnished home, the father kept looking for
The Family Pistol. Not seeing it, he asked his son about it only to
learn the son didn't care all that much about it, sold it and bought an
expensive Rolex wristwatch with the proceeds. His father became very
upset and said, "Son, one of these days you're gonna come home from
work early and when you go up to your bedroom, you'll find your wife in
bed with another man. What are you gonna do, say 'Hey man, your time
is up'?" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 23:09:41 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: possibly offen. to Chinese
More Humor from 1921 book, JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS
--by popular demand--
The Chinaman expressed his gratitude to that mighty physician
Sing Lee, as follows:
"Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin. Takee him medicine.
Velly more sick. Me get Doctor Hang Shi. Takee him medicine.
Velly bad--think me go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon. Him
busy--no can come. Me get well."
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