Digest for Friday, September 01, 1995
There are 10 messages totalling 403 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Another Disneyland scandal
- Offensive to Religious Folks
- Fractured Latin (only offensive to conservative Latin teachers)
- Anniversary
- The Hedgehog song
- off. to knights??
- More Windows95 humor
- The Expense Account
- Too passionate?
- Police Blotter & Practical Joke
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Date: Fri, 1 Sep 1995 21:32:49 -0700
From: Roger Taranto <RTARANTO@US.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: Another Disneyland scandal <sexual>
It seems there was a big commotion at Disneyland the other day.
Snow White was sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me, Big Boy!"
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Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 02:21:42 -0600
From: Wade H. Nelson <wadenelson@FRONTIER.NET>
Subject: Offensive to Religious Folks
The classic spoiled rich kid (prodigal son) at 17 tells his Dad he's
leaving, he never wants to communicate with them again, and could he please
have his inheritance now. Reluctantly, the father complies.
The son immediately goes out and buys a Ferrari F-40.
Perhaps feeling a little bad karma coming on, the son decides to swing by
the church and have his family's Baptist preacher bless the car before
departing.
He explains to the preacher his request, and the preacher looks a little
puzzled and asks "You say its an Italian what? What's a turbocharger?"
Annoyed, the son zooms away and pulls into a Catholic church, hoping the
priest might say a blessing or sprinkle a little holy water on the
radiator.
Puzzled, the priest says "What is a Ferrari my son?"
Annoyed again,the son zooms over to the Unitarian church.
The minister comes out and greets the son, and says "Fucking Awesome!
Ferrari F-40, with digital fuel injection, 12 cyclinder quad turbocharged
motor and a Getrag 6 speed gearbox. What's a blessing?
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Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 09:49:24 -0400
From: Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Fractured Latin (only offensive to conservative Latin teachers)
The following came throught on the Relitious Humor List [rehu-l] list
yesterday. There were numerous "forwarded message" headings. I've
cropped it to the, supposedly, original one.
---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: gascan@dcst16.pt (Bill Gascoyne)
Newsgroups: alt.quotations
Subject: Re: Fractured Latin (Was: Re: New to the g
A co-worker years ago had this framed on his wall; mock Latin.
O sibili si ergo
Fortibusis in ero
Nobili demis trux
Sevatis enim
Cousendux
(tr: O see Billy, see there go
forty busses in a row,
No, Billy, them is trucks,
See what is in 'em,
Cows and ducks.)
---
Bill Gascoyne ----- Speak for them?
LSI Logic Corp. LSI |LOGIC| They hardly even
1501 McCarthy Blvd. | | listen to me!
MS E-197 -----
Milpitas, CA 95035 LSI addr: gascan@dcst16 internet: gascan@lsil.com
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Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 10:32:10 -0400
From: Richard Hughen <hughie@POSTOFFICE.PTD.NET>
Subject: Anniversary <Clean>
A man and his wife are celebrating their 40th anniversary.
Wife: "Honey, what did you get me for our anniversary?"
Husband: "Let's take a ride and I'll show you."
They get in their car, drive a distance. They enter a cemetery, drive to
a designated spot. Here's your gift honey. ( It's a cemetery plot with the
family name.)
Well, she's not too pleased about her gift.
Next year: "Honey, what did you get me for our anniversary?"
Husband: "Nothing! You didn't use what I gave you last year."
--over heard.
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Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 13:47:42 -0400
From: Mark J. Scheller <scheller@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: The Hedgehog song <sexual>
This came to me from another list -- and it was too good to pass up!
<< forwarded material begins here >>
The Hedgehog Song, v1.5
(or why the Hedgehog can never be buggered at all)
Reconstructed by Matthew Crosby and
alt.fan.pratchett
from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett
The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All
Verse 1.
Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 1:
The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appall:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
Verse 2.
Mounting a horse can often be fun
An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus2:
The spines on his back are so awful thick
you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
Verse 3.
Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo
Will be entertaining to both her and you
Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 1.
Verse 4.
A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet
And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 2.
Verse 5.
You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill
It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill
You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 1.
Verse 6.
You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
We already mentioned the horse, you may recall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 2.
Verse 7.
You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell
Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell
A troll can be rocky if down you should fall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 1.
Verse 8.
For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter
Or pego a pig after parting his trotters
Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 2.
Verse 9.
For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur
To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 1.
Verse 10.
Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat
Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 2.
Verse 11.
A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing
Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,
Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Chorus 1.
Verse 12.
You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,
Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,
A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
<< forwarded material ends here >>
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Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 12:08:15 -0700
From: John B Tanner <fatjac@MAILHOST.HOOKED.NET>
Subject: off. to knights??
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his
best friend " My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in
the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to
her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed
a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message
from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knights best friend. He said " Hey, you
gave me the wrong key."
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Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 12:16:00 PDT
From: Jack Kolb <IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU>
Subject: More Windows95 humor
From: STAMPO
Top 10 Rolling Stones songs that would be more appropriate than
"Start Me Up" for the Windows '95 commercial
10. Just My Imagination
9. I'm Going Down
8. Let It Bleed
7. Gimme Shelter
6. Bitch
5. Shattered
4. Play With Fire
3. (I can't get no) Satisfaction
2. You Can't Always Get What you Want
... and the number one...
1. 19th Nervous Breakdown
Jack Kolb
old address: IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
new address: kolb@ucla.edu
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Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 21:50:00 +0100
From: ROBERT APPLETON <robert.appleton@SOL.KISS.DE>
Subject: The Expense Account
Expense Account for June 1995
-------------------------------------
l June Ad for female stenographer $5.00
2 June Violets for new stenographer 7.50
6 June Week's salary for stenographer 225.00
9 June Roses for stenographer 25.00
10 June Candy for wife 4.50
12 June Lunch for stenographer 35.00
13 June Week's salary for stenographer 300.00
16 June Movie tickets for self and wife 6.00
18 June Theater tickets for self and stenographer 75.00
19 June Ice cream soda for wife 1.50
20 June Virginia's salary 375.00
23 June Champagne and dinner for "Ginny" 160.00
25 June Doctor for stupid stenographer 1500.00
25 June Fur coat for wife 6800.00
27 June Ad for male stenographer 6.50
========================================
robert.appleton@sol.kiss.de
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Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 17:09:54 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Too passionate? <adult themes>
Three drunks show up at the local whorehouse and the madam realizes
they are too drunk to be able to function. One by one, she sends them
up to a room containing an inflatable rubber female doll. The first
drunk returns bragging about what great sex he just got done having;
the second one does the same, but the third one returns with a puzzled
look on his face. When asked about it by his buddies he says, "I
thought I was doing great until I bit her on the tit, she let a fart
and flew out the window!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 19:37:56 EDT
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Police Blotter & Practical Joke
POLICE BLOTTER
Recent Police Activity
Kent Police
12900 block, Southeast 273rd Street -- A 24-year-old woman who was
stopped for a traffic violation gave an officer a fake identification,
which happened to be of a woman who had two warrants out for her
arrest. When the officer began to arrest the motorist, she told him
she had lied and given him a fake name. She was arrested for using a
false identification. (August 24)
>From _The Seattle Times_, Monday, August 28, 1995. Reprinted without
permission.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
BIT STUFFY, BUT HE SURE GETS AROUND
by Jean Godden, _Seattle Times_ staff columnist
Michael Jolivet, a Burien veterinarian, is a well-traveled fellow. But
he isn't nearly as footloose as his mascot, Mr. Squirrel. The squirrel
is a modern-day Marco Polo.
The squirrel came into Jolivet's life in the early 1980s as a patient.
Alas, Dr. Jolivet (pronounced ZHO-lee-vey and not jolly vet, even
though that would be more appropriate) was unable to save the wounded
creature.
But the vet decided the squirrel was a good candidate for taxidermy.
Jolivet stuffed him, named him Mr. Squirrel and installed him in a
perch of honor in his Des Moines home.
Mr. Squirrel sat undisturbed for years. Then, sometime in 1993, the
squirrel vanished. Jolivet, distracted by the breakup of his marriage,
doesn't know when.
But he does recall that it was December 1993 when he stumbled on a
shoebox-sized package on his doorstep. He opened the box and --
surprise, there was Mr. Squirrel, wrapped in copies of the Eugene
Register-Guard.
The squirrel had acquired a red-and-white hobo knapsack and a photo
album with 60 snapshots of his travels. The pictures show Mr. Squirrel
all over the United States and Europe.
Here's the gallivanting squirrel at the Grand Canyon. There he is at
London's Buckingham Palace. He's been to the Coliseum in Rome, the
Golden Gate Bridge, the House of the Seven Gables and the British
Museum.
Who arranged this elaborate prank? And how was it managed? Can you
imagine the hassle of getting a stuffed squirrel through customs?
Jolivet has no clue. He has quizzed his ex-wife and friends. They say,
"Not me."
And the fun continues. Shortly after returning home, Mr. Squirrel
started receiving "wish you were here" postcards from Germany addressed
to "Rocky Squirrel."
When Dr. Jolivet married Sara Lundgren recently, someone -- one of the
guests perhaps? -- painted squirrel footprints across a card mounted on
an easel at the wedding.
>From _The Seattle Times_, Sunday, August 27, 1995. Reprinted without
permission.
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