Digest for Saturday, September 02, 1995
There are 12 messages totalling 573 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
.
- HUMOR List Traffic Report
- Groceries (Politically Incorrect)
- SLUGGO Press Release
- Sex Jokes (adult themes)
- Fish and chips
- More Sig Quotes
- Beatitude
- Thumbs up?
- REALLY SICK HUMOR (SEXUAL, OFFENSIVE FOR MANY)
- The Code of the West
- Orono, Maine
- God is real- unless declared as an integer
.
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Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 00:18:29 -0400
From: Jim Goldman <us012033@INTERRAMP.COM>
Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report
Greetings and salutations everyone! This is Jim Goldman, the Traffic
Reporter for the HUMOR list. It's basically my job to let the readership
of this list know how we're lookin', numbers wise that is. Once a month I
post this message to the entire list, and every week, I bless (or curse,
depending on your point of view) the contributors with the traffic report.
As subscribers to this list, there are two ways of receiving it: as a
message is posted ("MAIL" format) and as a conglomeration of all of the day's
posts at the end of the day ("DIGEST" format.) A couple of weeks ago there
was a brief exchange regarding the attachment of documents on the humor list.
What I'm about to say is true for all internet mailing lists (as best as I
know it, anyway). If you receive it in DIGEST format, you will not receive
attached documents. There are advantages and disadvantages to each format.
You have the right to decide and change it as you see fit... Either way send
a command to the listserver at LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU. You would use the
command SET HUMOR MAIL for the mail format, and SET HUMOR DIGEST for digest
format. A command goes in the body of the text.
If you have a message to get out to our contributors, I am always willing
to listen to any concerns you may have. I will in turn, pass along what you
have to say to the contributors with the report. Those of you who remember
my last traffic report may notice that this is coming from a different
address than last time. I HAVE in fact changed my primary email to
jimphynn@interramp.com. You can reach me there any time. I'm still keeping
my old AOL account (JimGPhynn) and I'll usually check that mail about once a
week. Also, if you're interested in seeing the files that I use to assemble
this report, email me. I'll show you how I do it... (I keep the files on my
hard drive for one week, until I get the new week's files...)
Here is the traffic report:
Traffic Report for HUMOR, 27 August - 2 September
(Number of articles posted each day)
4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last
Date Day Back Back Back Back Week
27 Sunday 11 16 9 9 6
28 Monday 16 14 13 14 18
29 Tuesday 11 12 15 11 15
30 Wednesday 12 11 20 11 16
31 Thursday 14 9 15 16 11
1 Friday 14 16 13 16 13
2 Saturday 6 9 12 11 10
Averages 12.0 12.4 13.8 12.6 12.7
Subscriptions 6,677 6,695 6,711 6,825 6,898
Countries 60 60 60 60 62
Contributors 554 562 562 565 568
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.
The countries that HUMOR goes out to are:
Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Brazi, Bulgaria, Canada,
China, Colombia, Costa Rica, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, Estonia,
Finland, France, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Hongkong, Hungary, Iceland,
India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Korea, Kuwait,
Latvia, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Mozambique, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway,
Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia, Saudi-Arabia, Singapore,
South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, Uruguay,
USA, Venezuela
The purpose of the Posters list is to protect our readers from
careless, quarrelsome, and selfish contributors. To become a
member request the instructions by sending the command GET HUMOR
GUIDE from our LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU address.
** The following are the goals of HUMOR:
To provide a daily average of 10-20 substantial examples of
humor.
To provide a diversity of humor: sources, forms, and subjects.
To provide freedom of expression for contributors and protection
of sensitivities for readers.
** The following are the brief version of HUMOR's rules:
1) Three rules protect HUMOR from complaints.
Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor.
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive.
A contributor who violates rules may be suspended.
2) Six rules protect HUMOR members from excessive traffic.
Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted.
Discussion, requests, and criticisms should not be posted
One contribution per day.
No personal attacks, no apologies, and no reactions.
Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines
max).
Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines. No ASCII art. No
signature file.
And now for my obligatory humor sampling:
Subject: God comes down >offensive to evangelists<
With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a
visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar
and approached the first man he saw. "If you believe in me
enough to give me $50, I will grant you eternal life."
"Sorry, I'm an atheist," the fellow replied, "and have never
believed in God."
God walked up to another man and made the same offer. "Well,
I'm an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not,"
the guy said, "but here's fifty bucks just in case."
As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. "I'm <fill
in this space with the name of your favorite television evangelist>
and I don't really care whether you're God or not," he said excitedly.
"Just teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I'll give
you $100."
Jim Goldman, Traffic Reporter (jimphynn@interramp.com)
=====================================================================
To leave the contributors list send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command
SIGNOFF HUMOR-P.
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR.
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command
SUBSCRIBE HUMOR Call-name FamilyName.
A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.
-----------------------------
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Date: Sat, 2 Sep 1995 21:51:21 -0700
From: MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Groceries (Politically Incorrect)
>
The following story was told to me by my hair stylist:
>
A father took his three-year-old son grocery shopping, and had his son
sitting in the special-shopping-cart-seat provided for children. Thus
his son had a very good view of everything and was quite busy taking it
all in. When they got to the check-out line, they were in back of an
enormously broad lady whose shopping cart was full to point of
collapsing. After a couple of minutes, the father began to get very
nervous because he saw how entranced and wide-eyed his son was with the
huge lady and her over-flowing shopping cart, and he knew it would be
only a matter of time before his son would say something, possibly
something impolite. Yet, he dared not try and distract his son because
he thought that breaking the boy's trance would cause the boy to say
whatever he was thinking...and sooner rather than later. Just then the
beeper the lady was wearing on the back of her belt began beeping. The
little boy looked up at his father and said, "Look out, Dad. She's
backing up!"
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Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 09:21:10 -0400
From: Imre Kertesz III <Ikertes@AOL.COM>
Subject: SLUGGO Press Release
DISCLAIMER:
SLUGGO Press Release is a parody of daily international news.
Every person, government, religion, etc. that makes headlines
is a target. I don't discriminate. SLUGGO NEWS can be
offensive; there are too many topics to provide individual
disclaimers. I welcome any suggestions, input, or criticism.
____________________________________________________
SLUGGO Press Release- By The Newsguy
29th ed. Contributions by Tigger
H I G H L I G H T S
1. (CHECHENIA) Russia's armed forces have suffered a big setback
after troops ran into fierce resistance from well-equipped Street
Fighters defending the Chechen capital Grozny. The Kremlin said it
had lost dozens of armored vehicles to Ken and Ryu. Moscow's
troops, sent into Chechenia on December 11 to crush Chechen leader
M. Bison, entered Grozny on New Year's Eve only to fall victim to
stubborn opposition by Blanka, Sagat, and Chun Li's dreaded
"spinning star kick". The Russian government claimed Street
Fighter II characters, not rank-and-file Chechen fighters, were
leading the defense of Grozny. It said they were using Sonic Boom
punches, Fire Punches, WhirlWind kicks, and Tiger Punches against
Russian troops. The whereabouts of Chechen leader M. Bison were
unclear. -TIGGER, 02 JAN-
2. (COTTON PLANT, ARKANSAS) President Clinton emerged from the
woods Tuesday with two dead conservatives over his shoulder and
a grin on his face after a relaxing morning hunting with old
friends in Arkansas, a brief respite before the Republicans
officially take over Congress. In an exceptionally genial and
chatty mood, Clinton said he put aside thoughts of Washington
during this mini-vacation home, which he called a "last chance
to bag a couple of conservative bastards before they completely
take over." Dressed in hunter's camouflage with a 'David Duke for
Congress' baseball cap planted on his head, he took care to note
that the assault weapons ban in his crime bill didn't apply to
hunters, as he proudly displayed his custom fully-automatic
military plasma rifle. The dead conservatives will not be
staying in Arkansas. He dropped them off at a friend's house to
be skinned, dressed and shipped to the White House, where he
said he plans to eat them. -SLUG, 01 JAN-
CAPSULES
1. (HAITI) Haitian refugees at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba who do not
agree by Jan. 5 to be repatriated will be poked in the eyes with
sharp sticks, the State Department said Thursday. -SLUG, 02 JAN-
2. (TURKEY) Fifty-four people were killed when a Turkish Airlines
(THY) airliner flew off course and collided with an AT&T
communications satellite. -REUSTR, 02 JAN-
3. (SARAJEVO) With cease-fire violations on the rise across Bosnia,
the top U.N. commander made plans to travel Wednesday to the
republic's most battered region to try to shoot the perpetrators.
-EVIL, 28 Dec-
4. (KUWAIT) A U.N. observer was trampled by sheep stampeding from
the Iraqi side of the Iraq-Kuwait border while he was on a routine
patrol early on Thursday, a U.N. spokesman said. The herd hasn't
been recovered and no one has claimed responsibility for the
incident. -BLENCH, 29 DEC.
5. (MEXICO) Rebel gorilla leaders in Chiapet said on Thursday
they pulled back some gorilla units to their jungle bases as the
threat of fresh fighting with elephant and chimpanzee troops faded.
The 7 month war for control of the jungle's banana horde has been
brought to a tenuous peace, thanks to the mediating of former
jungle president Tarzan II and his personal valet, the famous
chimpanzee known as Cheetah. -TIGGER, 29 DEC-
6. (NETHERLANDS) Around 30 barrels containing a liquid called
sulphur-oxychloride-sonnyandcher-thermonuclear
ballistic-oxy-l0 were lost from a German cargo ship Thursday
about 60 miles off the west coast of the Netherlands and close
to British waters. Officials are worried that the substance,
which is used by millions of acne infested teens to combat
pimples, will have a negative impact on the environment. "Well,
at least our fish will have clear complexions," Dutch coast
guards said. -TIGGER, 29 DEC-
7. (MOSCOW) The mysterious cargo that arrived at a U.S. military
base last week carried a state-of-the-art air defense system
that Belarus sold to Washington over Russia's objections,
newspapers reported Saturday. Russian officials are afraid the
U.S. acquisition of the 5-300 system will seriously hamper
Moscow's ability to sell it abroad and cost Russia billions of
dollars, a military analyst said. Washington's response to
Russia's objections was reportedly "Boo-Hoo". -SLUG, 29 Dec-
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Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 18:54:31 CET
From: Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: Sex Jokes (adult themes)
Did you hear about the Newfie Who thought nipples were Japanese children.
Did you hear about the Newfie who took a course in exotic lovemaking and
announced that he'd never be able to face his girl again.
Did you hear about the nurse they thought had drowned until
they found her under the doc.
Did you hear about the perverted australian who left his wife
and returned to Sydney.
Did you hear about the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter
headings that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This Space".
Did you hear about the procedure whereby a Nobel Prize winner
furnishes sperm for artificial-insemination purposes that is referred
to as A STROKE OF GENIUS.
Did you hear about the real smart girl who could play
post-office all night without getting any mail in her box.
Did you hear about the recent cigarette survey that disclosed
that 99% of the men who have tried Camels have gone back to women.
Did you hear about the rumor that an FBI agent who was given
task of shadowing a gay liberation leader has been summarily dismissed
because he blew his assignment.
Did you hear about the rumor that Disneyland plans to promote a
bumper sticker reading,DO A MOUSE A FAVOR: EAT A PUSSY!
Did you hear about the rumor that the vatican is freezing
flavored holy water and selling the product as "Popesicles".
Did you hear about the rumor that Walt Disney Productions is
going to remake "Beaver Valley" as a skin flick.
Did you hear about the unreconstructed male supremacist who
said that if all the women's lib activists were laid end to end, that
it would be the best thing that could happen to them.
Did you hear about the woman who got out of a taxi, and charged
the driver five bucks.
Did you hear that a new airline linking Geneva with Milan, Rome
and Naples is to be called Genitalia.
Did you hear that A voyeur's liberation front is being
organized and their slogan is "Power To The Peephole".
Did you hear that anal sex is a bum trip.
Did you hear that She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't
keep her calves together.
Did you hear that some independent skin-flick producers are
combining to form a major studio to be known as 20th Century-Fux.
Did you hear that The fastest four-handed game in the world is when it slips out
.
Did you hear that The Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organizati
on
in the world from which a man resigns when be becomes a member in good standing.
Did you hear that The only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your
collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears.
Did you hear that the Pope's next pronouncement on birth
control is to be titled "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians".
Did you hear that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality could go either way
Did you hear that those new edible candy pants are about to be
distributed in a male version -- with nuts of course.
Did you hear The report that the leading manufacturer of imported vibrators is
a Japanese firm that now calls itself Genital Electric.
Did you hear You can make it illegal, but can't make it unpopular.
Finger fun is called MASTER-bation because anyone old enough to
take things in hand can master it.
Happiness is inviting a chick to hit the feathers and hearing
her say she'll be tickled pink.
He took a shine to her stuff ... so she polished him off in a hurry.
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Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 10:05:00 PDT
From: sidney moskowitz <sidney@CTS.COM>
Subject: Fish and chips
While touring Britain I stopped at a cathedral where priests were selling
fish and chips. I walked up to one and asked him if he was the fish fryer.
"No", he said, "I'm the chip monk".
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Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 16:24:27 -0400
From: Jim Trelut <TrkrJimBob@AOL.COM>
Subject: More Sig Quotes
Here are more funny sig's sent to me by HUMOR-L people, and a few more I
found. The quote by Sigmund Freud is maybe para-phrasing or something.
.....................................
What you're doing's so weird, I can't even figure out what you're doing.
I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing near you!!
Ah, your flesh-mother used to
bring me pudding.... -- Homer Simpson
If you Don't Know where you're going..... You'll end up someplace else.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.....Hey!.....Everybody keep your
hands above your desks! --Sigmund Freud
GARDEN STATE is on the New Jersey license plate because the words; TOXIC
WASTDUMP DIRTBAG STATE won't fit.
I am a greedy, selfish bastard. I want the fact that I existed to mean
somthing. -- Harry Chapin
I won't be runnin' from the rain when I'm gone / And I can't even suffer
from the pain when I'm gone / Can't say who's to praise and who's to blame
when I'm gone / So I guess I'll have to do it while I'm here. -- Phil Ochs
New Orleans: It tastes much better than it smells.
A friend is someone who will help you move your furniture. A real friend is
someone who will help you move a body.
.............. The rest are quotes by Groucho Marx
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
Hello, I must be going.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Time wounds all heels.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and
so will my wife.
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read.
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Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 17:59:51 -0400
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Beatitude
Head on "My Word!", a British contribution to public radio programming in
the USA:
"The meek don't WANT it!"
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Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 19:55:57 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Thumbs up? <adult themes>
A husband, wife and their two sons were watching TV. The wife looked
at her husband and winked. He said, "Boys, excuse us for a few minutes,
we're going up to our bedroom for a little while." Pretty soon, one
boy becomes curious, goes upstairs and notices the door to his parents
bedroom is ajar. He peeks in, watches for a little while and then
trots downstairs. He gets his brother, takes him up to the partially
open door and says, "Before you look in there, keep in mind this is the
same woman that paddles our butts for sucking our thumbs!" Lyle's
Joke Boutique.
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Date: Mon, 4 Sep 1995 09:14:01 JST
From: Maurizio MORABITO <b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: REALLY SICK HUMOR (SEXUAL, OFFENSIVE FOR MANY)
A young teenager girl enters a shop and asks for condoms. The
shop-owner can't believe his eyes: "Condoms at your age? Look: there
is still milk on your face!".
"It isn't milk", she answers.
=======
maurizio
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Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 21:25:13 -0400
From: Ilene Slightly <SlantedOne@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Code of the West
THE CODE OF THE WEST
A Cowboy's Guide to Life by Texas Bix Bender
*Write it in your heart. Stand by the code,
and it will stand by you.
*Ask no more and give no less than honesty,
courage, loyalty, generosity, and fairness.
*You don't need decorated words to make your
meanin' clear. Say it plain and save some
breath for breathin'.
*Don't never interfere with something that
ain't botherin' you none.
*If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing
to do is stop diggin'.
*Never grumble. It makes you about as welcome
as a sidewinder in a cow camp.
*Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
*If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look
back every now and then to make sure
it's still there.
*It don't matter so much how long a ride you
have, as how well you ride it.
*Always drink upstream from the herd.
*The first thing to do when you get up in the
morning is put on your Stetson.
*Don't worry about biting off more than you
can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole
lot bigger 'n you think.
*Don't get mad at somebody who knows
more 'n you do. It ain't their fault.
*Talk low, talk slow, and don't day too much.
*Generally, you ain't learnin' nothin' when
your mouth is a-jawin'.
*If you want to forget all your troubles,
take a little walk in a brand-new pair
of high-heeled ridin' boots.
*The wildest critters live in the city!
*Trust everybody in the game,
but always cut the cards.
*The quickest way to double your money
is to fold it over and put it
back in your pocket.
*No matter who says what, don't believe
it if it don't make sense.
*Don't let so much reality into your life
that there's no room left for dreamin'.
*Makin' it in life is kinda like bustin' broncs:
you're gonna get thrown a lot. The
simple secret is to keep gettin' back on.
*Never miss a chance to rest your horse.
*Go after life as if it's something that's got
to be roped in a hurry before it gets away.
*Don't squat with yer spurs on!
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Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 22:42:21 -0400
From: Richard Hughen <hughie@POSTOFFICE.PTD.NET>
Subject: Orono, Maine <True -Clean>
I was attending a summer class in 1962 at the University of Maine in Orono.
One day, as I was nearing the University, I noticed my gas gauge was registering
near empty. I spotted a sign which read, "GAS - $0.23/gallon." I pulled in
along side the pumps. As the attendant was filling my car, I noticed that the
cost per gallon on the pump registered $0.19 per gallon.
When he came to the car window I said, "Hey mister: How come you have a sign
out by the road saying .23 cents and on the pump .19 cents a gallon?"
" 'Cause, if I put .19 cents a gallon on the sign, every darn fool from here to
Bangor would stop, and I'd never get any rest then!"
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Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 22:43:36 -0500
From: Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: God is real- unless declared as an integer
Selected from "Stamper's News Nuggets" <NUGGETS@LISTSERV.SYR.EDU>
http://www.clark.net/pub/jeffd/nuggets.html
__ WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD: "Angela has no friends or neighbors who
can identify her, because for four years she has lived entirely on the
Internet." -Caryn James reviewing "The Net" in the New York Times.
__ HOO, BOY: "It is no coincidence that the shipping out of Windows 95
and the fall of Srebrenica [in the former Yugoslavia] take place on the
same weekend. These are deeply entwined events. What takes place in
Redmond and Srebenica is the final settlement of human flesh in the
last days of the 20th century: the bitter division of the world into
virtual flesh and surplus flesh. Windows 95 opens out onto the dominant
ideology and privileged life position of digital flesh." -CTHEORY, an
academic social theory e-zine from Concordia University in Montreal
(8/24/95)
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