Digest for Monday, September 04, 1995
There are 16 messages totalling 608 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Humor: The Boston Driver
- In The News - Political, may also be off to immigrants, animals, more!
- The three secretaries
- No joke
- The Planets Suite
- A Man And His Chicken
- Women bashing (offensive to women, language)
- Last but not least
- Riddle (possibly offensive to Irish outdoosmen)
- Life 9.1
- This just in!
- gorillas
- Children Sermon Joke
- The Gynecologist. (Guess what?)
- Are Your Kids on Drugs?
- Humor: Samples (Clean)
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Date: Mon, 4 Sep 1995 22:21:37 -0700
From: MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Humor: The Boston Driver
>
The following excerpts are from a book entitled "The Boston Driver's
Handbook," a seriocomic publication that is sometimes hilarious,
sometimes serious, and most of the time quite accurate:
>
"...the craft and artistry of a Boston Driver is a sight to behold,
preferably at a safe distance. In Boston itself, one need only look to
the nearest street corner to witness the crumbling of the stop sign
barrier or perhaps hear the delicate crunch of a fender-bender. No one
really seems to mind, least of all the Boston Police."
>
"At this time, no other city can come close to matching the caliber of
Boston's own Boston Drivers. In this book we will discuss the
offensive driving skills you will need to know to ensure your survival
as a motorist here."
>
Impatience: "The only things that count are arrival and survival."
[The first commandment is] "Thou shalt reach thy destination as quickly
as possible. Everyone and everything else be damned."
>
The Ideal Car: "It's always a good idea to have a few dents placed
around the car's body. The advantages are many....dents manke your car
a less attractive target for Boston's prolific car thieves....and when
other drivers see your dents....they figure you are a lousy driver,
probably a little bit drunk and crazy as well....so why should they
risk life, limb, and property messing with you? Dents do wonders to
clear the roadway around you."
>
The New Car: "The new car condition is self-curing, however. Sooner or
later your new car will receive its proper Boston baptism. After it
has been stolen a few times and has caught a few nicks and scrapes
banging up cars and pedestrians, it will no longer be new."
>
Driving Laws: "The only way you really have a chance for a moving
violation is to hit something that can vote....Any other maneuver, no
matter how blatantly illegal, hasn't got a prayer. Speeding, going the
wrong way down a one-way street, illegal turns, obstructing traffic are
a waste of time because you just won't stand out from the crowd of your
fellow drivers."
>
Street Layout: "The hodgepodge of one- and two-way streets pointing in
different directions, curving wildly, merging from three lanes to one
and back again, and sprinkled with 'No Left Turn' signs is enough to
unsettle any anarchist."
>
Street Signs: "If you are in an unfamiliar part of town, don't even try
to navigate by street signs. Most intersections don't have them; those
that do, have their signs set at an odd angle. Major streets are almost
never marked; cross streets might be. It is assumed that the motorist
always knows what street he is driving on. Consequently, getting lost
is a common occurence."
>
Massachusetts was one of the last states to permit 'Right turn on
Red'....As soon as the measure became law, 'No turn on Red" signs began
appearing on every street corner....To make up for this, city planners
are now gathering support for a new law permitting 'straight ahead on
red, and there is a chance that it will pass this year."
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Date: Mon, 4 Sep 1995 09:45:34 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - Political, may also be off to immigrants, animals, more!
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
Reprinted w/o permission
WARNING: May also be offensive to lawyers, FEMA, OJ, LAPD, Jimmy Hoffa,
Elizabeth Taylor, drug addicts and alcoholics, women with breast
implants
California Governor Pete Wilson announced his bid for the Presidency
in front of the Statue of Liberty. It symbolizes his feelings on
immigration. He wants the statue turned into a guard tower.
Senator Bob Packwood is having more troubles - he accidentally bit his
tongue and now he's being charged with tampering with the evidence.
Ex-Governor of Alaska Walter J. Hickle's response when asked about a
controversial predator-control program... "We just can't let Mother
Nature run wild!"
OJ Update
When Assistant District Attorney Hank Goldberg asked Dr. Henry Lee if he
had some red tape to mark a display board, an officer from FEMA offered
an unlimited supply.
Dr. Lee testified that none of OJ's fingerprints were found at the crime
scene... so, I guess the gloves do fit!
The defense objected to the showing of video tape with OJ wearing gloves
similar to the ones found at the crime scene. "Prosecutors are once
again trying to turn the Fuhrman case into the Simpson case."
"Internal Affairs", the 1990 thriller starring Richard Gere as a
corrupt, brutal LA cop is being re-released. This time, as a
documentary.
In Other News
Jimmy Hoffa's son is running for president of the Teamsters Union.
Critics say it will be hard for him to fill his father's cement shoes.
Young Hoffa is annoyed by the way people keep bringing up his dad.
Little by little. From under Giants Stadium.
Elizabeth Taylor is having a trial separation from hubby number 7.
Problems arose almost immediately after the wedding when the Department
of Motor Vehicles refused to issue her a drivers license under the name
Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher Burton Warner Fortensky.
The Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame opened in Cleveland. I thought we already
had one... it's called the Betty Ford Clinic.
Television viewers will settle the Miss America swimsuit issue by voting
during the show. They'' decide which looks better - saline or silicone.
That's all folks - have a great weekend!!!
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Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 08:20:41 +0100
From: Mark Mostert <MARKMOST@L.KTH.SE>
Subject: The three secretaries <offensive to women>
This joke will probably offend most women, unfortunately I think
there's alot of truth in the story ...
Suffering the effects of the economic depression, this businessman
had to fire two of his three secretaries. All three of them were very
good at their jobs and he did not know which ones to dismiss, so he
decided to test them by slipping an extra 100 bucks in their
monthly salary.
The first secretary surreptiously pocketed the money and didn't say a
word. The second secretary came in to her boss, explained that she had
received an extra $100 and that she had invested it in bonds at 12,5
percent interest. The third secretary came in to the boss and handed
over the $100, explaining that she had been paid too much money that
month and that she could not accept the money.
So which one kept the job ? ... The good looking one with the big
tits of course.
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Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 08:57:29 METDST
From: Jan Kucera <kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ>
Subject: No joke
An independent TV showed a remarkable letter a plaintiff received from
a Czech court.
A man sued another as the adversary did not pay his debt. When the debtor
died the plaintiff canceled the complaint. As a result he received a letter
from the court that confirmed the cancellation. The last sentence was
hillarious:
"The adversary expressed consent with the cancellation of your complaint."
N.B. I apologize if I did not use correct legal terms. I am not expert
in such details of the English language.
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Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 08:43:05 GMT
From: Michael Forster <mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: The Planets Suite
Hottest new book:
Men are from Mars
Women are from Venus
Lawyers are from Uranus
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Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 07:50:00 EDT
From: Lynn, Jon <lynnj@DASW.COM>
Subject: A Man And His Chicken <off. bestiality, language>
Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill.
Jack walks down the street to the local brothel and knocks on
the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she
can do for him. "I'm really horny but I only have $5. What
can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over
this fellow and tells Jack, "Don't worry we can take care of
you. No problem."
She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is
a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it
can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and closes the
door behind her.
With the eagerness of a young teenager he quickly undresses.
Once naked, Jack wastes no time and starts to f**k the chicken.
As soon as Jack develops a rhythm he starts to enjoy himself
a great deal. He and the chicken really go at it for a while
until all that built up frustration is finally released.
Jack can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.
One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10.
Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and
asks what she can do for him for $10.
"Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She
leads him into a different room where there are several other
people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show
Jack", the madam tells Jack.
Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of
benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open
revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror
where two women begin to undress each other.
Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware
anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other
passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to
each other.
Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth.
He turns to the person beside him and says, "this is a pretty
good show for ten bucks eh?!
The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing.....last
week we saw a guy f**k a chicken."
--
Jokes from the JON
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Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 09:13:11 EDT
From: KRIS S. HAMILTON <KSHAMIZ1@ULKYVM.LOUISVILLE.EDU>
Subject: Women bashing (offensive to women, language)
I just heard these and thought i would pass them along!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did the woman cross the road?
Doesn't matter the bitch should have been in the kitchen.
How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw in the bulb and one to blow me.
How many male's does it take to screw in a light bulb???
None, make the bitch do it!
Well it's been grand. Post again later!!!!
Kris S. Hamilton======> KSHAMI01@starbase.spd.louisville.edu
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Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 12:00:02 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Last but not least <off. to gays>
Four golfers were on the first tee. The first one drove his golf ball
200 yards up the middle of the fairway. The second golfer hit an
identical drive but it was 250 yards long. The third golfer duplicated
their efforts but hit an even longer driver of 300 yards. The fourth
golfer (Harry) hit a weak 160 yard slice into the thorn bushes on the
right side of the fairway. The other three golfers strolled up the
fairway and began talking about their sons. "My son is doing great, he
just bought a new Mercedes-Benz," the first golfer remarked. The
second one replied, "My son is doing even better, he just bought a new
Ferrari." Not to be outdone, the third golfer laughed and said, "My
son just bought a new yacht." Just then, Harry came walking up
(scratched and bleeding from the thorns) and when they asked him how
his son was doing, he flew into a rage and said, "Not only am I having
a lousy round of golf but you guys just had to ask me about my son. I
just found out that he is gay. Come to think of it though, he isn't
doing all that badly. The guys he's living with just bought him a
Mercedes-Benz, a Ferrari and a new yacht." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 12:13:02 -0400
From: Curtis White <WHITE@CSTCC.CC.TN.US>
Subject: Riddle (possibly offensive to Irish outdoosmen)
Riddle: What Irishman stays out in the back yard all night, every night?
Answer: Paddy O'Furniture.
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Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 09:16:11 -0700
From: Henry Cate <cate3@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Life 9.1
Selections from: "The Canonical List of Bill Clinton Jokes" by
bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu This was posted to rec.humor
------------------------------------------------------------
Please send me any Bill Clinton humor that you know of or that you hear from
friends, comedians, talk-show monologues, radio, etc. There might be quite a
few on election day and immediately following, so keep an ear out.
Send Bill Clinton humor to: bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu
-----------------------------
Late Night With David Letterman's suggested Clinton campaign slogan:
"We don't have a clue, but we don't have a Quayle."
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
From an Associated Press report:
Gore, a 16-year veteran of Congress, pledged to take on the assignment with
"great relish and enthusiasm." He asked voters skeptical of their promise of
change to remember that every Communist government in Eastern Europe fallen
in 100 days.
"Now it's our turn here in the United States of America," Gore said.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to
obscure the issues.
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
TRUE STORY
A friend told me he saw this on F-Troop last night:
The Captain, the Chief, and an Inspector General were discussing the Chief's
breaking of a Treaty. The following was the dialog:
Inspector General: But Chief, how could you break the treaty? You
smoked the peace pipe with us!
Chief: Ah, yes. But, I didn't inhale!
HELLO! Sound familiar everybody? Not only can't Clinton tell the truth, but
he plagiarizes his lies!
--
Henry Cate III <cate3@netcom.com>
To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with
15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail
to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject.
Or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 14:51:36 -0400
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@CHOPIN.UDEL.EDU>
Subject: This just in!
THIS is TRUE for 27 August 1995 Copyright 1995 by Randy Cassingham
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS JUST IN: The front page of the Aspen (Colo.) Daily News told the
whole story. A local woman, it reported, "rampaged through local
singles bars Wednesday night, leaving a string of wasted males in her
wake." Indeed, "no less than 37 men aged 13 to 78 were taken to local
hospitals. Their injuries included everything from severe bleeding
due from hickies on their necks to sexual exhaustion." But the
reporter who wrote the story created it as a joke for his girlfriend,
and never intended for the file to get into the paper's typesetting
system -- let alone the front page. Locals were far from outraged:
some bought extra copies, and "people are asking us to run this once
a week," the news editor said. (AP) ...Are they going to punish the
reporter, or promote him?
THIS WON'T HURT A BIT: Researchers at the Anuradhapura Hospital in Sri
Lanka have come up with a new anti-venom for victims of the Russell's
viper, one of many poisonous snakes in the region. But to win
government approval, they must test the new potion on at least 75
bite victims by the end of October, and they're behind schedule. "We
are desperately in need of victims," one of the doctors in the study
said. "The victims don't have to be Sri Lankan. Anyone is welcome."
(Reuter) ...Everyone needs to pitch in: if you are bitten, book a
flight immediately.
THIS WON'T HURT A BIT II: E.J. Mallory, an American Army dentist
assigned to occupied Japan after World War II, was asked to make a
set of dentures for Gen. Hideki Tojo, who was imprisoned awaiting
trial for war crimes. Mallory, knowing who the dentures were for,
inscribed a Morse code message into the false teeth of the man who
approved the surprise attack on Hawaii that brought the U.S. into the
war: "Remember Pearl Harbor". Mallory said recently the gag "wasn't
anything done in anger. It's just that not many people had the chance
to get those words into his mouth." A ham radio operator, Mallory
used code instead of block letters to keep the message hidden. But
the secret leaked out within weeks, and Mallory had to wake Tojo in
the middle of the night to remove the phrase. The next morning, when
an officer demanded to know "Is there any truth in this report that
`Remember Pearl Harbor' is inscribed in the dentures?", Mallory was
able to truthfully answer, "No Sir!" (AP) ...He took the words right
out of my mouth.
CHARGE IT: Cindy Penka called her husband Thomas at the electronics
store where he works to tell him that she had just been robbed of her
purse. As they discussed cancelling her credit cards, a store clerk
signalled Thomas that someone had just handed him one of Cindy's
credit cards for a purchase. Thomas told Cindy he had to go, then
called police. The clerk was able to stall long enough for police to
arrive and arrest two men on larceny and forgery charges. (AP)
...Just their rotten luck: the clerk knew Cindy didn't have a
moustache.
TALENT DAY AT THE FARM: "Couple Produces Organic Milk" -- AP headline
Copyright 1995 by Randy Cassingham, All Rights Reserved. Broadcast,
publication or storage -- including on CD-ROM, listservers, BBSs,
WWW, "FTP" archives, or anywhere else -- is STRICTLY PROHIBITED
without PRIOR written permission. However, permission is GRANTED to
circulate this publication via MANUAL forwarding by e-mail to others
providing that 1) the file is transmitted IN ITS ENTIRETY, from the
title and byline on top to the end of this paragraph, and 2) NO FEE
is charged. More than fair, isn't it?
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Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 16:11:41 EDT
From: Ann Dellarocco <anndell@RDZ.STJOHNS.EDU>
Subject: gorillas
First a newsbyte: Hear about the new OJ T-shirts? They have
DEFECTIVE VERMIN on the front.
A zoo keep asked a big, strong fellow: "Want a job?"
"Doing what," he asked.
"Our gorilla died," he said. "If we got you a special suit, would
you imitate him for several days?"
"Yes sir," he answered.
He did well, until he accidentally landed in the lion's den.
"Help," he yelled.
"Shut up, Stupid," cried the man dressed like a lion. "You will
get us both fired."
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Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 14:16:31 PDT
From: Mark Huth <MHuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: Children' Sermon Joke <one bad word>
The pastor of a small local church started his children's sermon by
holding up a picture of a deer and asking if anyone knew what kind of
animal it was. There was silence from the group from a while, and then
one boy guessed that it was a moose.
"No", the pastor said, "but you're close". More silence as the kids tried
to think what animal it could be. One girl thought it might be a cow, but
she was also incorrect.
"Let me give you a hint", said the pastor. The name of this animal is the
same as a name your mother might call your father when she's feeling
affectionate".
Immediately, little Johnny's hand shot up and he proclaimed, "I know, I
know, that's a horny bastard!"
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Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 16:35:00 -
From: Howard, Dan <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: The Gynecologist. (Guess what?)
This lady moves to a new town when it's about the time for her annual
female-type checkup. So she asks a girl in her apartment building for
a reference as to the best gynecologist in town. The girl tells her the
name of her favorite doctor with the remark, "You'll just love him, he's
got a great sense of humor and is very gentle". So the lady makes
an appointment for the next week.
The day for the appointment arrives and she goes to his office. After
the initial questions and filling out of the chart, he has her undress and
assume the position in the stirrups.
"Hmmmm..." he says, "I'm not quite sure about this........"
"What is it????" asks the lady, "anything serious?"
"Well, I'm not sure," said the doctor, "this could be a little tricky
here."
"Would you like me to numb you first?"
"If you think I need it," she replied, "go right ahead".
So he shoves his face right in her crotch and goes
"Num-num-num-num-num-num".
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Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 14:36:17 -0400
From: Matt Patterson <DrBubonic@AOL.COM>
Subject: Are Your Kids on Drugs?
These are exerpts from Ooze: The Journal of Wit, Substance, and Dangerous
Masturbatory Habits.
Issue #6 is now available at http://www.io.com/~ooze/
or via e-mail request from drbubonic@aol.com.
This special Back-To-School issue includes articles on How to Tell if your
Kids are on Drugs, a Mime Prank, A list of the most unpopular newsgroups, A
Carrer Bulliten for College Students, Rejected Ben&Jerry's flavors and more.
Ooze has been written about in the Washington Post, Hotwired, Exclaim Magaine
and other places. Articles have been reprinted in lots of print publications
and in a book, Internet Insider (McGraw Hill, 1995)
I have exerpted a sample article from the current issue for your pleasure.
Well, really mine I guess.
ARE YOUR KIDS ON DRUGS?
Many parents today are concerned that their offspring might somehow be
involved in the world of illegal pharmaceuticals, or "drugs". This is a
healthy concern. Knowing your kids are "high" is the first step toward
helpng them avoid problems with their health, their grades, the law, and
getting those hard-to-clean vomit stains out of the Oriental rug.
KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS- select the option which best describes your child.
1. Your child's idea of a fun sport to play is: A) tossing a pigskin ball
around B) throwing an orange rubber ball into a netted hole C) inserting a
pointy needle into a vein and mixing foreign substances into the human
bloodstream.
2. Your child's idea of a responsible adult is: A) Bill Clinton B) Tom Hanks
C) Charles Manson.
3. Your child's favorite hobbies include: A) Model Rocketry B) Baseball C)
Taking white, powdery substances from a big bag and breaking it down into
many smaller bags.
4. Your child's pet is: A) a puppy dog B) a 16' python C) a colony of
imaginary bugs and spiders that crawl under their skin.
5. Your child's breath smells like: A) a fresh, minty mountain top B) lunch
C) an opium den.
6. When your young ones dress up to go out, they look like: A) Fred and
Ginger B) Regis and Kathy Lee C) Sid and Nancy
7. Your child would identify Tijuana Gold as: A) a precious metal B) a
Mexican theme park C) a good deal, but not as potent as the stuff from
Thailand.
8. When you ask your child how their day at school was at the dinner table
they answer: A) they scored a goal for their soccer team B) they got the
highest grade in class on a math test C) they scored a dime bag and got high.
Total up the number of times you answered "C" to the questions above, and
consult the table below.
0 "C's"- Chances are your child is not on drugs. They probably aren't that
exciting either. Kick them out of the house and force them to live on the
cold streets for a few months to let them really appreciate life in all it's
murkiness.
1-3 "C's"- Your child might be on drugs, but you can't be certain. Put a
flashlight up to their face and flash it in their eyes. This doesn't really
tell you anything, but it scares the pants off your kids and is kind of fun.
3-6 "C's"- You may as well face it, you've got a little druggie on your
hands. Your child is a menace to society and must be dealt with accordingly.
We suggest a good flaying to help them kick their nasty habit. Confiscate
all their stash and send it to Ooze.
7-8 "C's"- Your child has never used drugs. No sir. Just smile nicely at
them and slink out of the house. Never return.
-----
I'll send the other one tommorrow, but after that you can only get the rest
from me, or the web page
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Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 19:25:39 -0700
From: MachuPicchu <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Humor: Samples (Clean)
>
The following stories are samples from the September/October issue of
"The Christian Reader," published bi-monthly by "Christianity Today,
Inc.," P.O. Box 37209, Boone, Iowa 50037-2029, 1-800-223-3161.
>
KIDS OF THE KINGDOM, pp. 85,86.
"On the highway, we passed a race track. Our six-year-old Rick asked,
"What is that place?" And I replied, "It's where people go to race
dogs." After a long pause, Rick observed, "I bet the dogs win."
>
"Over dinner, my mother mentioned that her church was going to install
a second minister. This puzzled our younger son since our church has
only one minister. Mother explained why, then added, "One of the
largest churches in town has *five*! At that, our older son,
wide-eyed, exclaimed, 'Wow! How long is *their* service?'"
>
"One day at lunch I asked my young son, Micah, what he wanted to eat.
'A boy cheese,' he replied. I didn't know what he meant until a few
days later when I asked him if he wanted a grilled cheese sandwich.
'No,' he said exasperated. 'I don't want a *girl* cheese sandwich! I
want a *boy* cheese!'"
>
LITE FARE, pp. 9.
For years we lived in a small town with one bank and three churches.
Early one Monday morning, the bank called all three churches with the
same request. "Could you bring in Sunday's collection right away? We're
out of one-dollar bills."
>
THIS ONE FROM CALVIN AND HOBBES COMIC STRIP:
Calvin's teacher is finishing up her lesson, and before starting the
next lesson, she asks the class if there are any questions. Calvin
raises his hand, and the teacher says, "Yes, Calvin, what is your
question?" So Calvin asks, "What is the meaning of human existence?"
The teacher says, "I meant questions related to the lesson we just
had." Calvin then says, "Well, I'd really like to get this question
resolved before going ahead with any more work."
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