Digest for Tuesday, September 05, 1995

There are 7 messages totalling 150 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. Limerick (possibly offensive to chinese, women, and men; sexual content)
  2. Lawyer joke. (off to catfish).
  3. More on the your mother theme
  4. kids talking
  5. Ala Carte?
  6. O.J. joke, offensive to O.J. fans, C. Reeve, the handicapped
  7. Juniors education 


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Date:    Tue, 5 Sep 1995 22:09:57 -0600
From:    Mark Pendleton <mpendlet@LIB.NMSU.EDU>
Subject: Limerick (possibly offensive to chinese, women, and men; sexual content)

A forthritght young maid from Hong Kong
Said "It is entirely wrong
To say my vagina
'S the biggest in china
Just because of your mean little dong!"

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Date:    Wed, 6 Sep 1995 08:59:00 -
From:    Howard, Dan <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Lawyer joke.  (off to catfish).

    Q:   What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish.

     A:  One is a slimy, yellow-bellied, bottom-feeding, hard-headed,

            shit-eater...     The other is a fish.
 -----------------------------

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Date:    Wed, 6 Sep 1995 11:38:00 EDT
From:    Matthew Gaunt <Matthew_Gaunt@VOS.STRATUS.COM>
Subject: More on the 'your mother' theme <vulgar>

Your mother is like a bowling ball:

She gets picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and the bitch
still comes back for more...

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Date:    Wed, 6 Sep 1995 16:03:58 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor?> kids talking

TOXIC WATER
  And Other Childish Neologisms

by Jim Mica


The infant does not speak.  If you check out the etymology of
'infant' you'll see that that is the root meaning of the word.
As soon as kids begin to speak, linguistic marvels abound.

Before my daughter had English words she had a wonderful
exclamation which she often intoned.  She'd be sitting there in
her seat in the back of the car and we would suddenly be treated
to the cry of "BEE'-DOW," with a slight emphasis on the first
syllable.  It seemed to be the equivalent of, "Oh, Wow!" or "Holy
Cow."  Since she started using regular English, however, she has
never been able to tell us just what BEE'-DOW meant.  In her
early years her favorite food was "HANGER-BANGERS." How a kid
growing up in Pittsburgh, PA came up with this quasi-British name
for ground beef on a bun (aka, hamburgers) is still a mystery.

But I called this essay Toxic Water because that was the name our
resident 7 year-old gave to the stuff that his Mom was drinking
during the heat of this past summer.  It is axiomatic that kids
will insist they like anything they see their parents eating and
drinking.  Mom sat at the table with a cool gin & tonic,
garnished with lime, and sonny wanted some.  He asurred us all
that he really liked Toxic Water.  After a snif of the empty soda
bottle, he was even more certain.

A few days later, after we had gotten in some more toxic water,
our dauntless lad strode into the kitchen and asked for a glass
of it.  I carefully poured some over ice and started to hand it
to him.  He was not satisfied with this and pointed out that the
drink needed to have a lime slice in it.  I added a lime slice.
He took the drink, tasted it and declared that it needed some
gin.  After some brief thought, I splashed some dry grape ginger-
ale into the glass along with the toxic water, ice and lime.
This satisfied our little gourmet.

I, myself, of course never made linguistic blunders as I was
learning to speak.  I saved that until many years later.  I was
in college at the time, doing news on the campus radio station.
I remember writing up a brief story based upon a news release we
had recieved from a group doing research on pulsars.  I read the
story over the air, returned to my little writing room and picked
up the already ringing phone.

I still can remember the words of the caller even though this
happened more than a quarter of a century ago.  He said, "Those
guys who study the stars with telescopes?  They're called
astronomers not astrologers!"

I think I'll go make myself a gin & toxic water now.

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Date:    Wed, 6 Sep 1995 16:55:27 EDT
From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Ala Carte? <off. to elephant lovers>

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:
 $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!  When his waitress arrives, he
orders elephant nuts on rye.  She coolly writes down his order, walks
into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!  Shouting and cursing are
heard and the restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.  He
runs up to the customers table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and
says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the
first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"   Lyle's Joke
Boutique.

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Date:    Wed, 6 Sep 1995 20:26:47 -0400
From:    Russell Vander Horst <rvander@UOFT02.UTOLEDO.EDU>
Subject: O.J. joke, offensive to O.J. fans, C. Reeve, the handicapped

Q: What is the difference between O.J. Simpson and Christopher Reeve???

A: O.J is going to walk

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Date:    Wed, 6 Sep 1995 23:14:41 -0400
From:    Joel Marshall <joelmarshall@GLOBALONE.NET>
Subject: Junior's education <off. to women, profane>

        Junior, curious about a word he saw on the bathroom wall asked,
"Mom, what's a pussy?"
        Mom remained calm, showed him a picture of a cat and said, "That's a
pussy, son. A pussy is a kitty cat."
        "What's a bitch, then?" inquired the precocious little tyke.
        Mom got the dictionary out and said, "See, the dictionary says a
bitch is a female dog."
        Not satisfied, he asked his father what a pussy was. Pops dutifully
trotted out a girlie mag from his sock drawer, drew a circle around the
genital region and said,
"That's a pussy right there, son. And a fine specimen it is, too."
        "Well, what's a bitch, then?" asked Junior.
        "That's everything outside the circle".


Did you hear the one about the Mexican with two penises?
He called the first one "Jose"
Do you know what he called the second one?
"Hose B"

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