Digest for Sunday, October 01, 1995
There are 14 messages totalling 424 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Irish Catholic Humor
- SEX JOKES (Sexual, gross)
- Limerick IV
- Fish (off. to polish)
- Funny name memo
- If the Shoe Fits.....
- in an restaurant
- Founding Fathers Political Humor
- (Tenali Raman) Mastery in painting?
- Commuter Rush Hour (offense warning on first several lines)
- Tough Neighborhood
- Hot dog!
- Speaking of three kittens... (slightly offensive to cat lovers)
- Moyl (poss.off. to Jews)
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Date: Sun, 1 Oct 1995 22:39:30 -0700
From: Tom Welbers <twelbers@PEPPERDINE.EDU>
Subject: Irish Catholic Humor
Father O'Malley was just finishing the funeral of one of his parishioners
in an Irish country church, and he asks the congregation if anyone would
get up and recall something good in the life of "our dear departed Paddy."
Total silence. He asks again, and is again greeted by total silence. A
third time he says, "There must be something good to say about our dear
Paddy, and we'll not leave this church until it's said." Finally a man in
the back row stands up and says, "Well, his brother was the worse of 'em!"
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Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 09:37:30 CET
From: Piotr Plebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: SEX JOKES (Sexual, gross)
A guy walks into a drug store and asks the girl behind the register, "Do
you keep stationery?"
She answers, "Right up until the last minute, and then my toes curl up, and
I turn into an animal."
There once was a man stranded on this desserted island, all he had with him
was a sheep and a dog. Every time he would fuck the sheep, the dog would go
crazy and bite him. One day while sitting on the shore, he sees a raft out in
the ocean. He swims out only to find a famished, "been at sea" for days, woman.
He takes her back to the island and nurses her back to health. She turnes out
to be a beautiful 20 year old woman. She says to him one day "I owe you my life,
you saved me, I'll do anything for you!" He replies "anything?", she says "Yes,
anything!" He says "Hold the dog!!!"
A modest young lady was at her first appointment at the gynecologist. As he was
proper he had a nurse in attendance as he examined the modest young lady. After
a brief moment he said, "My young lady what a large vagina you have! My young
lady what a large vagina you have!" The modest young lady, mortified, said,
"Doctor you did not have to say it twice!!! His reply, "I didn't! I didn't!"
A sailor is talking about the last time he was on leave... "So it was the first
fuckin' leave in six fuckin' months. I dropped off my fuckin' uniform at the
fuckin' Y, went to a fuckin' bar, and picked up a fuckin' broad. I took her to
a fuckin' hotel, laid her out on the fuckin' bed, and had sexual intercourse."
A man is walking by a church one Sunday, and happens by a cute 6
year old girl sitting on the sidewalk, dressed up very nicely, playing with
her dog. The man asks, "what is your name little girl?"
"Candy," says the little girl. "They call me that because I like
candy so much. And this is my dog Porky."
"They call him that because he likes pork so much?" the man wonders.
"No," she says. "They call him Porky because he likes to fuck pigs."
A sailor in New orleans has only a dollar to have a good time with.
He spends half on a pack of cigarettes and a beer and offers the remaining
50 cents to a tough whore. She accepts. She takes him to her untidy place and
immediately bends over and throws up her dress, presenting her anus to him.
"Come on, turn around," the sailor says angrily. "I don't want to butt-fuck."
"But you do want to open that bottle, don't you?" says the whore.
Another time this fellow walks into his favorite cathouse
and sets up a deal with the Madam. "I want something different
but not Hurricane Gussy and it took me ten trips to the
clinic to get over Sandpaper Sally. What have you got thats
different!!" "Well," the Madam replies, "How about One eyed
Wanda." He says "Fine as long as I don't get pissed on or
catch something." He goes up to the room and a bit later
a really stacked honey comes in. He promptly starts diving
in and she says "Wait a minute honey, with me it doesn't got
there." She then proceeds to remove a glass eye and says,
"Give it to me there." He proceeds and when he was leaving
he says to the girl "Dear that was one of the best screws
I've had in years. I'll be back soon!!" She replies
"Great!! I'll keep an eye out for you!"
A woman went to a podiatrist with a complaint that her feet
always hurt. He immediately noticed that she was exteamly
bowlegged. He asked her if she had always been that way.
No she said, not until recently. I've been fucking a lot
doggie style. Well he said, you are going to have to stop.
I can't she replied, that's the only way my german shepherd fucks.
A young priest, who is still unsure of the penances to dole out during
confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.
"Oh," says the older priest, "give him a dollar or so, if you feel
like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."
I fucked her laying
I fucked her standing
If she had wings
I should fuck her flying
Now she's dead
but not forgotten
I dragged her up
and fucked her rotten
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Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 07:05:12 -0400
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <Kbrousseau@AOL.COM>
Subject: Limerick IV <crude>
There once was a wonderful wizard
who got a fierce pain in his gizzard
so he drank wind and snow
at fifty below
and farted a forty day blizzard.
Conrad Aiken
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Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 13:10:02 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Fish (off. to polish)
There was once a polish guy who had a jewish neighbour. He went to visit
him and wanted to know why the jews are so smart.
- We eat a lot of fish said the jew.
- Can I have some?
- It's gonna cost you $100 a piece.
- If that's gonna make me smarter, I'm willing to try, said the polish.
He ate a piece of it and then said the jew: You know, this is quite a lot
of money for a simple piece of fish. I really don't believe I should have
paid such a sum.
- You see, it already works...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ariel Altar e-mail: ALTARA@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL
phone: 972-4-294394
Hey, what's love got to do with it? (T.T.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 07:49:03 EDT
From: Bill <EDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Funny name memo
Note: I normally don't post humor for others, but this nameless person
asked for my assistance. Here is the article:
For various reasons I have decided not to post to the humour list, but this
was part of a REAL email just sent around a Large Australian Corporation. I
made some necessary deletions, and don't want my name used please! You may
post it.
--------------
From: King, Bob
Date: Thursday, 21 September 1995
Subject: Bob cocKING - What's in a name?
To All,
<deletion about taking up a new job>
I have also taken this opportunity to shorten my surname from Cocking to
KING. This move to a shorter surname is a family decision taken for both
personal and practical reasons. All legal steps were taken earlier this
year and members of the family have been using KING as a family name for
some months.
I have begun the process of modifying the name within <organisation deleted>
(do you have any idea how many places our names appear!) and consequently my
Personnell list entry is now recorded as Bob KING( cocking) and Email is
also Bob KING.
regards
Bob King
Explanation: For those who speak English as a second language, "cock" is
a vulgar term for male genitalia (COCKing). It sometimes seems that
every common word in English cames to have some sexual meaning.
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Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 09:53:48 -0400
From: Adina Sobo <AdinaS@AOL.COM>
Subject: If the Shoe Fits.....
"If the Shoe Fits is a monthly column of satire and commentary. As such, it
is bound to offend someone, and also contains mild references to bodily
functions. It is written by R.B. Trary & published in the "Mensan," a monthly
newsletter published by the San Diego chapter of American Mensa Ltd.
WARNING! [This magazine] contains trace amounts of dihydrogen oxide, a
chemical which the state of callifornia has determined to be an asphysiant.
Staring Down at the Tiles: In "Scrabble," when your tray is full of vowels
and your only play is to move your vowels onto the gameboard, you are
refferred to as "inconsonant."
Something I've Dreamed of Doing: One afternoon, I's downtown in San Diego's
Gaslight District. A homeless person accosts me with the inevitable, "Spare
change? Got any spare change?" So, I reach into my pack, pull out an extra
diaper, and hand it to him.
Ewe Heard it Here: Congresswoman Pattricia Michelle Schroeder goes by her
initials: PMS.
Hot Stuff: After the infamous boiling coffee incident at McDonald's,
drive-up windows have been appropriately retrofitted with two driveways. One
is labled "AUTO LANE" while the other is labeled "AUTOCLAVE."
Religious Sects Revisited: Vera Godfrey is a Mannonite. As High Priestess,
she believes that men cannot enter the "Womb of the Divine" except through
the "Portal of Intercourse." Unfortunately, the Van Nuys Police Department
disagrees, and recently arrested her for prostitution. Out on bail, Vera
offered the judge, the police chief, and the arresting officers the
opportunity to atone for their wickedness. Each recieved a Missionary Card
entitling him to donation-not-required religious services.
- - -
Interested in Mensa? Check out http://www.mensa.org/~mensa/
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Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 09:27:15 -0500
From: James Thorson <jthorson@CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: in an <offesnive> restaurant
I complained to the waiter when I saw his thumb in the soup he was
serving me. He said it was infected and he liked to keep it warm. I told
him he could stick it up his ass; he said that's where he kept it when he
was back in the kitchen.
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Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 11:18:49 -0400
From: Curtis White <WHITE@CSTCC.CC.TN.US>
Subject: Founding Fathers' Political Humor
The post about Ben Frankiln reminded me of this one about John Adams:
When John Adams became the second President of the United States in 1797, the
stout Chief Executive, having been an advocate of requiring that those
addressing the American President use some exalted title such as "Your
Excellency" or "Your Emminence," received a bit of early American political
commentary from his opponents when some of them began referring to him, behind
his back, as "His Rotundity."
- Curtis White, WHITE@CSTCC.CC.TN.US
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Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 08:47:00 PDT
From: Narasimhan, Seshadri <NARASIS@MTOMP002.ALLIED.COM>
Subject: (Tenali Raman) Mastery in painting?
Tenali Raman was a courtier in the courts of Maharaja of Vijayanagar. This
was a few centuries ago, by the way. He is reputed to have been very wise
and humorous to boot!
The king held a painting competition. Various great artists from all over
the kingdom, some from outside the kingdom too, sent in their entries. There
was a big exhibition where all the paintings were displayed. Some real
masterpieces were present.
Tenali Raman decided, on a whim, that he would participate. His entry was
sitting in a corner, veiled, so that the king would be the first to see it!
The big day arrived and the king came to the exhibition. He admired each
painting. Some of the artists received on-the-spot rewards of gold chains!
Finally he came to Tenali Raman's exhibit. Upon being unveiled, everyone
craned their necks forward to get a glimpse. All they could see was a pair
of horsey looking legs with the genitilia dangling between. The back side
was liberally covered with what seemed to be horse-dung. The king was a
little amused and asked, "What on earth is this"? Tenali Raman replied, "A
horse, Your Highness". The king was thoroughly amused and asked, "Where is
the rest of it, Tenali"? Tenali Raman replied, "Use your imagination, Your
Highness"! Tenali Raman also got a reward for the exhibit ... and for having
made a serious occasion a little more bearable!
(The humor in this may seem a bit lost on all of us ... I am only quoting
this story from a book 'Ribald Stories' by (?) that I read years ago in
India)
heh, heh, heh
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Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 11:49:13 -0400
From: Razmus the Innocent <azrael@ACCESS.DIGEX.NET>
Subject: Commuter Rush Hour (offense warning on first several lines)
[WARNING]: Possibly offensive to taxi cab drivers, people who drive
slow, and anyone who gets in front of me when I'm trying to drive home.
The following groups are singled out: the elderly, people of ethnic
background, women, white males, taxi cab drivers, and of course those
special individuals who just should not be allowed on the road during
rush hour.
[SETUP]: I drive a commuter van fifty miles through Washington DC rush
hour traffic every day after work. For anyone who has not encountered
the joys of rush hour traffic in DC, its more painful than a root
canal, but not quite as painful as Boston, MA rush hour.
Friday, as I was driving home, I realized that there is something I
can do to remove some of the traffic from the roadway. I'm certain
that this idea will work throughout most American cities.
[JOKE (sometimes it helps to label these things)]: When you get home
tonight, please call or write your cable TV company and beg them to
carry the "RUSH HOUR CHANNEL". This new channel would only broadcast
construction and accidents so that the people who keep getting in front
of me to slow down to look at the accidents and construction can
safely participate in their favorite activity in the safety of thier
own livingroom, while those of us interested in reaching our living
rooms can do so. Programming might include:
- "BIG YELLOW CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES: Watch as bulldozers and steam
rollers flatten Yugos and Escorts that don't quite get out of the way."
- "FLASHING YELLOW LIGHTS: Learn the real meaning of flashing yellow
lights, and why its a bad idea to stop."
- "TRAFFIC MYTHS REVEALED: An entire series devoted to uncovering
the truth of common traffic myths. Find out if elderly people drive
slower than everyone else, whether orientals or women drive worse,
determine the truth behind the theory that white males will not stop
to ask for directions. The season opener will probe the question of
whether 90% of taxi cab drivers obtained thier driving liscense as
breakfast cereal prizes."
- "HORN SYMPHONY: composed just for those drivers who obviously
don't hear enough horns driving normally."
- [My favorite] "TICKET EXPRESS: Observe drivers attempt to turn
left from the far right lane and get traffic fines valued greater than
their vehicles. The first three seasons will concentrate on the
playful antics of Taxi drivers."
- and of course, "ACCIDENTS, BLOODSHED, AND FLAMING BALLS OF DEATH:
RHC camerapersons have worked overtime capturing the bloodiest,
ugliest, vilest accidents on American roadways, and present them for
your dinnertime enjoyment. Watch for friends and relatives, or just
to satisfy some sort of perverse, sick fascination. Watch the cascade
effect as one driver who doesn't get RHC slows down, causing an
accident which leads to traffic snarls which ruins everyones
evenings."
All this and more, this season on the Rush Hour Channel!
--
Razmus d'Obscurite [AKA: the Innocent]
AKA: Rich Weissler [azrael@access.digex.com]
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx
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Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 15:03:20 -0400
From: Robert Thomas <RCOMIC@AOL.COM>
Subject: Tough Neighborhood
The neighborhood I grew up in was so tough, I was whipped so often I thought
I was a dog team.
In this neighborhood, the most common form of transportation was the
stretcher.
You could walk five blocks in any direction and never leave the scene of a
crime.
Even the Pit Bulls don't go out at night.
You have to be pretty brave just to be a coward.
You don't have to worry about crime in the streets....they make house calls.
We didn't have the Salvation Army....Salvation Marines.
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Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 16:59:34 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Hot dog! <adult themes>
A customer is sitting at the counter in a diner and is astonished to
see the cook place a hamburger patty in each of her armpits while she
scrapes off the grill. When he complains about her doing that, she
comments, "I do that because it helps thaw out the patty." Upon
hearing that, a customer at the end of the counter calls out, "Cancel
my order for a hot dog!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 15:10:45 -0700
From: Roger Taranto <RTARANTO@US.ORACLE.COM>
Subject: Speaking of three kittens... (slightly offensive to cat lovers)
(This joke tends to be better spoken.)
This guy had three kittens who liked to play in the guy's pond in his front
yard.
One day, they all fell in and started drowning. Luckily, the guy was outside
and
was able to save them. He told them that they better be careful because he
might
not be there to save them.
Sure enough, the next day, they were out playing in the pond and fell in.
Some guy
down the street saw them and rushed to try to save them, but was too late.
So, he
went to the door, and when the owner answered, the guy said, "Un, deux, trois,
quatre, cinque."
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Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 11:09:55 +0900
From: Maurizio MORABITO <b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: Moyl (poss.off. to Jews)
-------------------------------------
An Englishman in New York stopped at a window in the middle of
which stood one lone clock. The Englishman went inside. - He-llo! -
he sang out.
From behind a curtain stepped a bearded man in a skullcap.
- Would you please inspect this watch? - The Englishman worked at the
strap. - Tell me whether it needs... -
- Why are you asking me? - asked the bearded one.
- Aren't you a jeweler? -
- No. I'm a moyl. -
- A what? -
- A moyl. I make circumcisions. -
- Good Lord! - exclaimed the Englishman. - But why do you have a
clock in your window?! -
- Mister, - sighed the moyl, - what would *you* put in the window? -
--
ciao
maurizio
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