Digest for Tuesday, October 03, 1995
There are 21 messages totalling 797 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- More Assorted Jokes & Humor
- Gay Bar
- Limerick V
- YOU KNOW YOURE A REDNECK IF...part 2 .
- An alternative medical dictionary (source unknown)
- O.J. (again?)
- Yet another OJ joke
- OJ joke
- OJ=Disney World
- Yet ANOTHER OJ joke (could be the worst yet)
- Ted Kennedy Poem. (off to you know who).
- OJ Jokes
- SLUGGO Press Release
- Play it again, Spam
- Jesus and Elvis
- Socialization Part II
- More OJ / Dr. Seuss (off to OJ, AC)
- OJ Joke (offensive to Furman, OJ)
- Dancing in the dark
- Ways to get yourself in a good mood at work
- if OS were beers
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Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 19:43:33 -0700
From: Mairabet <star1357@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: More Assorted Jokes & Humor
>From "Parables, etc." -- a monthly resource file for pastors, teachers
and speakers (October 1995)
>
Veterinarians have various ways to differentiate brand new litters of
puppies from each other. Some puppies look exactly alke, but one
veterinarian just recently used the method of wetting the head of each
puppy as he completed each one's shots and examination. As the
veterinarian reached for the final puppy, the puzzled owner finally
blurted out, "I didn't know puppies had to be baptized!"
>
A cloud is constantly changing. Yet somehow a cloud manages to hold
fifty million gallons of water without an organization chart.
>
Famous sentence rephrased: To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.
>
Someone has figured out that the peak years of mental activity are
their greatest between the ages of four and eighteen. At four, we know
all the questions, and at eighteen we know all the answers.
>
Sample from "Wild in the Streets" (The Boston Driver's Handbook):
"The simultaneous use of high beams, horn, and flashers looks and
sounds like an emergency. Nothing instills fear into the hearts of
drivers quite like the sight of a car barreling toward them with high
beams and flashers on, horn blaring, and a madman behind the wheel.
They will usually get out of your way as fast as they can. This
technique is especially useful for traveling at top speed down the
"middle lane" of the Callahan Tunnel when you have only ten minutes to
catch a 5:30 p.m. flight out of Logan Airport.
>
And lastly, a very old pun:
A number of Frenchmen are participating in an automobile race in which
the autos do not carry numbers on their sides but instead are
identified by letters of the alphabet, from "A" to "V" -- 22 cars in
all. As the race begins, the "E" auto and the "G" auto are in the lead
with the rest of the pack close behind, but one auto (auto "S") is
noticeably much slower than the rest, has fallen far behind, and is
drawing unfavorable comments from the crowd, references being made to
molasses in January, and even snails being faster. But suddenly, the
slow auto begins to accelerate rapidly at an incredible rate of speed,
passing first the "Q" auto, and then the "J" auto, and then the lead
auto. The crowd is so amazed that soon they are all shouting in unison,
"Look at that 'S' car go! ... Go! Go! 'S' car go!
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Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 20:47:49 MDT
From: Andrew Wigg <KU09@UTEP.BITNET>
Subject: Gay Bar <Adult Themes. Off. to Homosexuals>
A man walked into a gay bar curious to find out why they prefered
other men instead of women (in other words, he wanted to know what made
them click). He noticed that there were three homosexuals sitting at
the bar, so he proceeded with his plan.
He sat next to the first one and asked "If you had a choice, what
would you like to be?". After little thought, the homosexual replied
"I would like to be a telephone." To which the man replied "A
telephone? How so?" the homosexual readily replied "because that
way I would be able to hear girls conversations!". Satisfied with
the answer, the man moved on to the second homosexual at the bar,
and asked the same question "If you had a choice, what would you
like to be?" to which the homosexual replied "I would love to be a
purse" to which the man questioned "a purse? how so?" the homosexual
readily replied "Because that way I would be able to see what girls
carry in their purses!" Satisfied with the answer, the man moved on
to the last homosexual at the bar and posed the same question "If
you had a choice, what would you like to be?" and noticed that the
homosexual was considering the question with much thought, and finally
replied with much satisfaction in his voice "I would love to be an
ambulance!" startled the man questioned "an ambulance? how so?" to
which the homosexual replied in an exalted voice "Because that way
they would open me from behind, stuff me a stiff one, and while
they ride me down the street I'd be screaming --AAaaauuUUUuuaaaAAAaa--"
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 07:15:48 -0400
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <Kbrousseau@AOL.COM>
Subject: Limerick V
Sent to me from Arin Friedlander--Author unknown.
There was a young man named Hall,
Who fell in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a sad thing
If he died in the spring,
But he didn't--he died in the fall.
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 08:12:00 EDT
From: Lynn, Jon <lynnj@DASW.COM>
Subject: YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF...part 2 .<off. southerners>
Compiled from Jeff Foxworthy: (Part 2 of 2)
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You had a toothpick in your mouth when you had your wedding picture
taken.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You have a "Hefty bag" for a passenger side window on your car.
Your house doesn't have any curtains- but your truck does.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it.
After making love, you have to ask your date to roll down the window.
You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your fireplace.
You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house.
Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else.
You have ever bar-be-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater.
You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold you
beside the highway better than anything you saw at an art show or museum.
You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the
door making sparks.
You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Someone asks to see your ID, and you show them your belt buckle.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels is on your list of most admired people.
You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk
jug in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name out of
the message "For a good time, call _______."
Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade.
You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a woman.
Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive.
You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem changed to
"Free Bird."
You call your boss "Dude."
You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at
the "House of Tattoos."
You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.
You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds.
You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more pickup
trucks than cars.
Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run."
You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed."
Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.
You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of "Beverly
Hillbillies" or "Green Acres."
Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife.
Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy Griffith Show."
--
Jokes from the JON
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 09:22:20 EDT
From: Allan McKellar <allan_mckellar@UK.IBM.COM>
Subject: An alternative medical dictionary (source unknown)
Subject: An alternative medical dictionary (source unknown)
My wife brought this list home from the health centre last night.
artery the study of painting
bacteria back door of a cafeteria
barium what doctors do when patients die
bowel a letter like A, E, I, O, U
caesarean section a neighbourhood in Rome
cat scan looking for kitty
cauterise had eye contact with her
coma a punctuation mark
D & C where Washington is
dilate to live longer
enema not a friend
fester quicker
fibula a small lie
impotent distinguished, well known
labour pain getting hurt at work
medical staff a doctor's cane
nitrates cheaper than day rates
node was aware of
outpatient a person who has fainted
pap smear a fatherhood test
pelvis a cousin of Elvis
recovery room a place to do upholstery
rectum nearly killed 'em
secretion hiding something
seizure Roman emperor
tablet a small table
terminal illnes a) getting sick at the airport
b) getting sick at your VDU
tumor more than one
urine opposite of "you're out"
varicose nearby
vein conceited
Allan________________________allan_mckellar@uk.ibm.com
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 07:51:42 -0400
From: Bob Hawkey - Dont worry, Be Happy! ;^> <kcdhawk@KODAK.COM>
Subject: O.J. (again?)
O.J. is a free man!
He has told the media that his plans for the future include starting
his own taxi company...
Yes, he can get you there with time to kill!
I also heard he was moving to Colorado... He heard that there is
a catch and release program for cut-throats!
(A cut-troat is a trout native to Colorado!)
+=======================+=========================================+
" " "
" Bob Hawkey / " "Science without religion is lame, "
" \ / / " Religion without Science is blind." "
" \\\' , / // " - Albert Einstein "
" \\\//, _/ //, " "
" \_ //' / //, " "
" \ /// //` " "
" _/ >> \\\` " "
" /,)-~>> _\` " KCDHAWK@KODAK.COM "
" (/ \\ \\\\\ " "
" // // \\\ " Don't worry - be happy! };^> "
" (( (( " "
"=======================+=========================================+
" Man is a temporary infestation on a minor planet in an "
" insignificant system located in an average galaxy "
+===============================+=================================+
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 08:46:26 -0500
From: Richard T. Linton <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU>
Subject: Yet another OJ joke
Hey, I have to get *some* tacky OJ joke in before it becomes passe! This
one isn't *too* bad (I know, they are *all* bad), so here goes:
Did you hear that since the verdict, O.J. has asked Judge Ito for
his hat and gloves back? :-)
Don't worry, these will pass soon (just like kidney stones).
________________________________________________________
Richard Linton The road to wisdom is long and hard
HVAC&R Center So take a magazine and a snack
UW-Madison
(608) 265-3008
http://www.engr.wisc.edu/centers/tsarc/tsarc.html
________________________________________________________
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 08:50:50 -0500
From: DCHRISTI <dchristi@BADLANDS.NODAK.EDU>
Subject: OJ joke
I for one don't think OJ did it at all. I mean, hey, did anyone ask Kato
where HE was when the murders took place? He could have planted all
evidence, then told Fuhrman..."Hey, look over here, and over there..."
Maybe he isn't really blonde...
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 09:37:00 -0400
From: Kevin Hanrahan <Kevin.Hanrahan@MCMIC.MED.NYU.EDU>
Subject: OJ=Disney World
Now that the OJ "not guilty" verdict is in, I guess we'll be hit with a
barrage of OJ "...I'm going to Disney World..." commercials.
Who knows, Disney World is in Florida and Orange Juice (OJ) is a product of
Florida, he'll make even more money pushing both items at once...
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 10:17:00 -0400
From: Geoff Harper <GEOFFH@3K.COM>
Subject: Yet ANOTHER OJ joke (could be the worst yet)
I hear the verdict was a big mistake. The jury foreman mis-interpreted
her fellow jurors. When asked how they vote, the jury unanimously declared:
"It doesn't fit, and we all quit!"
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 08:08:00 -
From: Howard, Dan <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Ted Kennedy Poem. (off to you know who).
Got this from my daughter the other day, and thought I'd share it.
She's a nut!
----------
Ahem...
"Teddy, the red nosed senator,
Had a very shiny car.
And if you've ever seen it,
You were prob'ly near a bar.
All of the other Senators,
Wondered how he get his dames.
They thought he was to drunk,
To join in any bedroom games.
Then one clouded Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
'Teddy with your nose so red,
'Won't you help me guide my sled.'
That's how the police found him,
Wrapped around a maple tree.
Teddy, the red nosed Senator,
You're a drunken S.O.B.!"
:)
Told ya' I'd get it for ya'.
Love ALWAYS,
Julie
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 17:24:45 +0100
From: Mark Mostert <MARKMOST@L.KTH.SE>
Subject: OJ Jokes
Originally from: barak@global.california.com
What did OJ say to Judge Ito after the verdict?
"Can I have my gloves back?"
--------
Originally from: Eweiss@slac.stanford.edu (Eric Weiss)
Q. What did Judge Ito say to O.J. on the way out of the court room?
A. Mr. Simpson you've been acquitted of the charges, you are free to
go. Just don't do it again.
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 13:00:28 -0400
From: Imre Kertesz III <Ikertes@AOL.COM>
Subject: SLUGGO Press Release
DISCLAIMER:
SLUGGO Press Release is a parody of daily international news. Every
person, government, religion, etc. that makes headlines is a target.
I don't discriminate. SLUGGO NEWS can be offensive; there are too many
topics to provide individual disclaimers. I welcome any suggestions,
input, criticism, or even ideas for new material.
____________________________________________________________
SLUGGO NEWS - By The Newsguy - 39th edition
H I G H L I G H T S
1. (BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA) Sarajevans got a bleak reminder of war's
worst days Wednesday when a VW Superbeetle slammed into a crowded
city street, wounding seven people. An Italian journalist,
Maurizio Cucci, later was slightly wounded after a VW tailpipe
was successfully extracted from his rectum. The airport remained
closed for a fifth day after 10 stainless-steel utility sinks hit
a U.S. plane flying for the U.N. .With the Bosnian supply lines
suffering arms blockage, the armies are resorting to what has
been determined " less-than-conventional warfare", using what is
on hand rather than conventional ammunition. U.N. sources indicate
renewed efforts by Serbian allies to import swords, scaling towers,
and catapults to the besieged regions. -SLUG, 12 APR-
2. (U.S.) A new poll, casting First Lady Hillary Clinton into
the depths of the popularity chasm, shows more Americans prefer
a president who came from the 1960s and hates her than someone
of the WWII generation who hates her. The findings of U.S. News
& World Report survey bode well for President Clinton, who spent
most of the '60s as Georgetown University's sole guinea pig for
the effects of narcotics, as well as buddying-up with the KGB
Elite in Russia. The poll is bad news for Senate Majority Leader
Bob Dole, who at age 71 is the only member of Congress who doesn't
think Hillary is a bitch. Thirty-one percent of those polled said
they wanted a '60s generation president who thinks Hillary is a
bitch, sixteen percent polled favor someone from the war years
and thinks Hillary is a bitch, and an overwhelming forty percent
favor a candidate who isn't afraid to use the "F" word as an
adjective when addressing leaders of opposing nations, and thinks
Hillary is a bitch. (FIBS - 12 APR)
3. (RUSSIA) The successor to the dreaded KGB secret police has
gained extensive new rights under a law signed by President
Boris Yeltsin which is likely to raise fears of a threat to
human rights. The law, which Yeltsin signed late on Wednesday,
turned the "Federal Counter-Intelligence " Service (FSK) into the
"Cut Their Worthless Goddamned Throats If They Don't Sing" Service,
which contains the "They'd Better Follow My Fucking Instructions
Or We'll Skin Them Alive And Toss Them In A Bag Of Salt, Mother
Fucker" Branch. (SYKO - 06 APR)
CAPSULES
1. (JAPAN) Japanese high-profile comedian Mai Krou Wang surprisingly
beat main-line politicians in the race for Governor of Tokyo. Wang,
former star of hit Japanese sit-com "Naughty Granny" showed up for
his first day on the job to find thousands of Tokyo citizens lining
up in front of his office. The people apparently thought Wang was
serious when, during campaign speeches, he jokingly promised to
administer oral-gratification to each citizen of Tokyo if he was
elected. (DARKMAN PRESS - 12 APR)
2.(RUSSIA/INDIA) Russian nationalist leader Vladimir Zhirinovsky
returned from a trip to India on Wednesday, pale faced and gaunt
from hunger. In a statement made upon his return, he claimed
that although India represents a formidable military power, any
country who's four basic food groups consist of grub, monkey,
tree, and mucous, should be used as a nuclear testing site.
(SLUG - 15 APR)
3. (LOS ANGELES) For the second time in two days, Sen. Alfonse
D'Amato issued an apology for deriding Los Angeles Superior
Court Judge Lance Ito with a phony and mocking Japanese accent
on a radio show. In an unrelated incident, Sen. D'Amato is
recovering from injuries sustained when his Sherman Oaks home
was reportedly stepped on and completely destroyed by a massive
reptilian creature. (FIBS - 17 APR)
4. (ZAIRE) Spirits were high in Zaire's volatile Shaba province
on Wednesday after local military authorities shot people at random
in anticipation of Easter festivities this weekend, residents said.
-GEUTER, 12 APR-
5. (ISRAEL) Israel has proposed to Russia a spy swap which will
also include the United States. This deal will involve the
return of Jane Fonda to Russia, after her 25 years of intelligence
gathering under the unconvincing facade of an actress.
-FIBS, 13 APR-
6. (USA) Federal and military employees as well as government
contractors with access to classified information would have to
provide photographs of their genitals to government investigators
under new regulations reportedly being prepared by the Clinton
administration. -PU, 11 APR-
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 10:01:34 PDT
From: Mark Huth <MHuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: Play it again, Spam
The Oregonian newspaper today printed information about the new Spam Haiku
Archive on the WWW, which contains more than 1,000 verses dealing with the
beloved substance. For those interested, you'll find it at:
http://www.naic.edu/~jcho/spam/sha.html
Some servings of Spam:
O.J.'s innocent.
Spam is made from the finest pork.
Which would you believe? -Chris Fishel
Made a Spam puppet
To entertain my doggie.
Need a new hand now. -Tom Elliot
Supermarket aisle.
I saw her reach for a Spam.
I turned, walked away. -John Cho
Turning the Death key
Unlocking the pink horror
I die with each tin. -Joey Berner
Hannibal Lecter
Eats livers, but no pig snouts.
Silence of the Spams. -Chris Fishel
Wedding catered by
Hormel. Reception marred by
Sudden illnesses. -John Cho
What is more awful
Than the sound of squishing Spam?
A Kenny G tune. -Screamin' Phil Erickson
Split the Spam atom
Enormous pink mushroom cloud
World covered in pork. -Tom Elliot
Mysteries of life:
Aliens and pyramids,
Stonehenge, Great Wall, Spam. -Dawn M. Martin
Hormel accused of
Using fake pork. New York Post's
Headline: SHAM SPAM SCAM. -Chris Fishel
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 14:51:02 EDT
From: Brian McInturff <turf@GELAC.LASC.LOCKHEED.COM>
Subject: Jesus and Elvis
I thought this was the best version I've seen lately:
JESUS vs ELVIS
The similarities between Jesus Christ and Elvis Presley are
almost uncanny. Just check the following parallels for yourself!
Jesus said "Love the neighbor."
Elvis said "Don't be cruel."
Jesus is the Lord's shepherd
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd
Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.
Jesus walked on water.
Elvis surfed (Blue Hawaii, 1965)
Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members
Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "Comeback" TV special and many
posthumous mall sightings.
Jesus said "If a man thirst, let him come to me, and drink."(Jn 7:37).
Elvis said "Drinks on me"(Jail House Rock, 1957).
Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis also had irregular eating habits(eg, 5 banana split
breakfast).
Jesus is a Capricorn (Dec 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn (Jan 8)
Matthew was a biographer of Jesus.
Neil Matthews was a biographer of Elvis (A Golden Tribute).
"Jesus countenance...like lightning...raiment snow white."(Mt 28:3)
Elvis wore snow white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
Jesus lived in a state of grace in a near-eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
Jesus' mother Mary had an immaculate conception.
Elvis' wife Priscilla went to Immaculate Conception H.S.
People called Jesus a "...glutton and a drunk."(Lk 7:34)
People called Elvis "...a overweight druggie...".
Jesus died for us.
Young girls would 'die for' Elvis.
Jesus was born in humble surroundings.
Elvis was born in Mississippi.
Even today Jesus has a cult following.
Even today Elvis has a cult following.
Jesus was called "King of Israel.."(John 12:13)
Elvis was called "King of Rock n'Roll"
Was Elvis the 20th-century re-incarnation of Jesus? Hey,
decide for yourself.....
******************************************************************
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 15:31:00 -0400
From: Robert Thomas <RCOMIC@AOL.COM>
Subject: Socialization Part II <off. to men, women, and small furry things>
The socialization of men seperates them from the more grounded emotions of
women. Most of the arguements in married life are the fault of men, and for
one reson only; men have never learned how to compliment women. I'll give you
an example from my marriage to Karen. I don't want to say Karen is
fat....because so many other people do. Her measuremnets are 54-46-44....and
her other breast is slightly smaller. We once went to the Opera, and no one
would leave until she sang a song. Getting back to this compliment thing, one
day I pulled into the driveway after work, and Karen came running out of the
house, bouncing all over. She asked "How do you like me in the no-bra look?"
Without thinking, and sure I was giving her a compliment, I said "Well, it
sure smoothes out those wrinkles on your forehead." The next thing I remember
is the Doctor placing paddles on my chest and yelling "Clear!"
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 13:40:18 -0600
From: Wade H. Nelson <wadenelson@FRONTIER.NET>
Subject: More OJ / Dr. Seuss (off to OJ, AC)
Did you drive a Bronco white?
Towards Mexico did you make flight?
I did not drive a Bronco white!
I sat in the back and hid from sight
Though I had passport and gun
I promise I was not on the run!
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 13:37:22 -0600
From: Wade H. Nelson <wadenelson@FRONTIER.NET>
Subject: OJ Joke (offensive to Furman, OJ)
Did you hear about the new AVIS commercial?
They've got OJ Simpson and MarkFurman racing through an airport.
Mark takes an early lead after OJ loses one of his bags.
Then Furman slips on a bloody glove
OJ walks away the winner.
At the end of the commercial they subtitle:
Rent from AVIS and you'll have time to kill.
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 17:06:50 EDT
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Dancing in the dark <adult themes>
Why do mice have small balls? It's because very few of them know how
to dance. Lyle's Joke Boutique. PS: My sincere "thanks" to those who
have dropped me a friendly note. I appreciate them very much. Lyle K.
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Date: Wed, 4 Oct 1995 22:05:50 -0400
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ways to get yourself in a good mood at work
Ways to get yourself in a good mood at work
1. Skip to the copier
2. Insist everyone call you "John Jacob Jingleheimer" (Well, it works in my
case...)
3. Wear a wreath of flowers on your head.
4. Pass our deli numbers. Complain about the rising cost of beef.
5. Take apart all the cube walls and reassemble in a labyrinth. Watch your
co-workers try to find their desks.
6. Stand on your computer monitor and belt out Neil Diamond's "Cherry,
Cherry" until someone throws crackers at you.
7. Hang out by the bathrooms all day and keep tabs on people. Refuse to let
some people in.
8. Play "What the hell is that smell in the refrigerator"
9. Knit a sweater for your boss out of paper towels.
10. Walk around wearing only an expandable file folder.
:) Jennifer Schmidt
JenSch@aol.com
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Date: Thu, 5 Oct 1995 11:23:17 +0900
From: Maurizio MORABITO <b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: if OS were beers
If Operating Systems Were Beers...
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to
read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only
came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can
is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be
accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of
people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look
identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The
ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the
ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on
the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that
looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.
Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously,
but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly,
especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same
time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will
explode when you open it..
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer
simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans
won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never
really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer
(International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs
have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer: You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have
taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac
Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz.
cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in
them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until
their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The
ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the
same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer
claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the
truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the
company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's
- after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial
strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8
oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty,
even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost
identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them,
so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in
which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend
who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe
has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will
be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the
original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer,
AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It
originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too.
When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and
colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it
appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant
for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the
top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode,
or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.
===
bye
maurizio
------------------------------
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