Digest for Wednesday, November 01, 1995
There are 13 messages totalling 259 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Ponderings
- Circumstantial Evidence
- Man and Dancing Duck
- Humor: Treasure Hunting
- Drunk again
- Have we met before?
- Japanese Rabbi
- Totally insensitive; so what?
- How to get people to send you E-mail
- test
- Ways I know Ive had too much coffee
- Asking for Sex (Adult Theme)
- The art of Flaming
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Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 01:09:54 -0500
From: Robert Thomas <RCOMIC@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ponderings <mild sexual themes>
My ex-wife must have been related to Abraham Lincoln. Everybody's taken a
shot at her in the balcony.
I don't owe everyone in the world, but I'm getting there.
Owning a house has changed my ideas about marriage. If I ever get married
again, it's going to be to a plumber.
It seems as if I'm making monthly payments twice a week.
Whoever said talk is cheap never said "I do".
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Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 07:37:13 -0500
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <Kbrousseau@AOL.COM>
Subject: Circumstantial Evidence
The village busybody and supervisor of village morals, accused a workman of
having reverted to drink because "with her own eyes" she had seen his pick-up
truck parked outside the village tavern. The accused made no defense, but
that evening he parked his truck in front of her house and left it there all
night.
**If you see a person without a smile, give him one of yours.**
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Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 10:50:58 +0000
From: Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Man and Dancing Duck <off. to ducks>
A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box. He sets the
duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins
dancing.
The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the
punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for
ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the
night the bar is full of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing
and giving the odd quack now and again. The barman realises that he
hasn't had business this good in a long time. It is so good that
he offers to buy the duck from the man to which the man aggrees to
sell for 500 pounds. The barman thinks it is a bit expensive but
agrees to buy it anyhow.
On selling the duck, the man goes home leaving a crowded pub watching
his dancing duck.
Later that night, the man gets a telephone call; it is the barman and
he exclaims that the duck is a great success and that he has his
money back in the amount of drink he has sold, but he says - "There is
one thing... How do you get the duck to stop dancing?"
to which the man replies -
"Oh simple - just take the lid of the biscuit box and blow out the candle."
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Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 08:17:39 +0600
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Treasure Hunting
An avid skin diving treasure hunter became disillusioned after
spending his entire Florida vacation searching for underwater treasure,
only to find none at all.
Disheartened, he spent his last day simply paddling around in the
shallow waters near the shore. The entire scene seeemed really dark,
when he banged his shin on something unseen on the bottom.
Digging down to find out the cause of his pain, he found an old
chest full of precious gems, silver and gold.
That, of course, brightened his outlook considerably. He was heard
to remark afterwards, "It only goes to show you that booty is shin
deep!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- I have a mind like a steel...animal catcher thingie.
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Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 12:09:14 EST5EDT
From: Wayne Wood <WAYNE@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: Drunk again
A salesman dropped into a bar to have a drink before retiring. The
fellow next to him kept slipping off his stool and falling to the
floor. The bartender whispered to the salesman; "This guy has had
two beers, but it looks like one too many. Do me a favor - drive him
home for me before he gets hurt or mugged."
"Okay." So the salesman helped the fellow to his car, carrying him
most of the way. By the time they arrived at the fellow's home he
couldn't stand up, so the salesman dragged the fellow to the front
door and rang the bell.
The man's wife came to the door and the salesman said: "I brought
your husband home. He's having a little trouble standing up."
She looked puzzled and said: "Well, no wonder. Where is his
wheelchair?"
Wayne
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Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 12:49:00 EDT
From: Lynn, Jon <lynnj@DASW.COM>
Subject: Have we met before? <sexual content>
From: gdoane@Verity.COM
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist
says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young
man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while
and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
"the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're
going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give
me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later
that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The
girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a
religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me
that your father is a pharmacist."
--
Jokes from the JON
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Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 12:15:16 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Japanese Rabbi <off. to Japanese>
A Japanese man had his heart set on becoming a Rabbi. He was warned
that many years of training were required but he went ahead anyway.
After more than five years of extensive training, he took his final
exams and felt sure he had passed with flying colors. However, the
Rabbi Review Board informed him he had failed the exam! He was
astonished and demanded to know why he had failed. The Review Board
Chairman told him, "Members of the Jewish faith don't like it when you
perform circumcisions by using a karate chop while yelling a-a-a-i-i-ie-
e-e!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 12:49:23 -0500
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Totally insensitive; so what?
(1) "I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it."
(stolen from Ed Lambert)
(2) "November is Alzheimer's Preparedness Week"
(3) About two weeks ago, I was listening to a TV show on my FM radio,
channel 6, naturally. CBS, here. It was one of those trailer trash
shows (boy, did ***I*** love it!!!) that bring really stupid people in
front of the camera and ridicule them in front of a giga-zillion people.
The guest (roastee) du jour was "Al," an auto mechanic by day and a drag
queen by night. The host (Mr. Torquemada) was trying to get Al's
brother, "Ben," to accept Al's lifestyle. Protested Ben, "How can I
accept his lifestyle? Just LOOK at 'im !"
"Look at ME?" screamed Al. "Look at YOU! Jenny Craig's got a
warrant out on your fat ass!"
Too bad I didn't have the visual.
* Jenny Craig is a chain of "weight-loss" clinics/stores/shops.
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Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 08:42:21 -0600
From: John West <JWWEST@UALR.EDU>
Subject: How to get people to send you E-mail
How do you get people you don't know to send you E-mail?
Misspell the word "SUSPENSE" in an international mailing list. (ARGH!)
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Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 16:41:47 -0500
From: Dan Arbuckle - Gaylord <darbuckl@NORTHLAND.LIB.MI.US>
Subject: test
this is a test
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Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 20:22:46 -0500
From: Jennifer Schmidt <JenSch@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ways I know I've had too much coffee
Ways I know I've had too much coffee
1. Seeing elephants
2. Trying to catch said elephants
3. Disco dancing around my cubicle at work
4. Had to remortgage the house to buy more expresso
5. Bartender told me I'd had enough
6. Those sloshing sounds when I walk
7. Shaking too much to hook up the coffee IV
8. Supporting the other half of the Columbian GNP
9. Been to the john 15 times in the last 30 minutes
10. Seizures are starting to affect my driving
:) Jennifer Schmidt
JenSch@aol.com
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Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 20:53:10 -0500
From: Dan Arbuckle - Gaylord <darbuckl@NORTHLAND.LIB.MI.US>
Subject: Asking for Sex (Adult Theme)
Two guys walking down the street, approaching a sexy looking young
woman. First guy asks her, "Hey, wanna fuck??" She stops and knocks him
down with her heavy purse!! Second guy asks him, "What did you do that
for?" First guy says, "I ask *every* woman I meet if she wants to fuck!!"
"My God", the second man says, "Don't you get knocked down a lot??"
"Yeah", the first guy says, "But I fuck a lot, too!!"
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Date: Thu, 2 Nov 1995 22:51:53 -0500
From: Robert Thomas <RCOMIC@AOL.COM>
Subject: The art of Flaming
Yesterday, for only the second time since I've been posting to this list, I
recieved a flame. (For those who are unfamiliar with the term, a "flame" is a
letter denouncing either something you wrote, or you personally, or both, as
this one did) This person took exception to my "Ponderings" about no pleasure
in life being worth giving up just to spend three more years in a geriatrics
ward, my comment "Exercise daily, eat wisely, die anyway.", and my remark
about the quality of the people attempting to become President of the USA and
what it says about our gene pool. I suggest that from now on there be rules
for flaming on the Humor List:
1. When flaming, don't bark at the flamee. He/she is not your mother.
2. Try to use complete sentences. It's hard to follow your brilliant logic if
your sentence structure wanders. "You're suicidal and people like you
fill up our geriatric wards, and your (sic) afraid of death."
Semantically, this means nothing. While I can see a glimmer of coherence,
I still am not sure how one can be afraid of death, suicidal, and
cluttering up geriatric wards at the same time. Maybe it's just me.
3. When flaming, try to keep the personal attacks general, not specific.
"Your mother wears combat boots" is better than "People like you never
know the joy of exercise, running in the open air...." This is especially
true if the flamee (me) happens to be a disabled Viet Nam Veteran who has
to walk with the aid of canes and/or crutches. Know the person you're
flaming.
4. Remember that the person you're flaming has the last word, so try not to
leave too many openings for them. Your awe-inspiring wit must leave them
trembling in the corner, not laughing at the monitor. And speaking of
wit, if you're a half-wit, please be sure to use the right half.
To the person who sent the flame, I'm sure your IQ isn't really that low, but
I'm figuring in the wind chill factor.
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