Digest for Friday, November 03, 1995

There are 11 messages totalling 238 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. Dancing
  2. A couple of Disney jokes
  3. Diets
  4. Wild sex!
  5. High school riposte
  6. The F word
  7. Oral Frog
  8. Free offer!
  9. Highway Bandits (Adult Theme)
  10. Halloween - a little late
  11. Top 10 Reasons Your Relationship May Be in Danger 


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Date:    Sat, 4 Nov 1995 09:14:38 -0500
From:    Ken Brousseau Sr. <Kbrousseau@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dancing

The worried father arrived at the hospital emergency room where his teenage
son was being treated for a broken leg and many cuts and bruises.
"Did you have an accident coming home from your girl's house?" asked the
father.
"No," the boy groaned.
"Well, how did it happen?" persisted the father.
We were just dancing," the boy explained, when her old man came in. He's deaf
and couldn't hear the music ---so he threw me out the window!"

**If you see a person without a smile, give him/her one of yours.**

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Date:    Sat, 4 Nov 1995 09:15:07 -0500
From:    John Holton <Johlt@AOL.COM>
Subject: A couple of Disney jokes <offensive language>

Mickey Mouse was suing Minnie for divorce.  When her attorney got him on the
witness stand, his first question was, "Why do you think your wife is crazy?"
to which Mickey replied "I never said she was crazy!  I said she was fucking
Goofy!"

*****************

A priest was saying Mass one day and suddenly felt a tug on his vestments.
He turned around and saw Dopey (of the Seven Dwarfs) standing beside him.
"Father," he asked, "are there any midget nuns in the parish?"  "No, my
son," the priest replied and went back to saying Mass.  He felt another tug
at his vestments and turned to see Dopey still there.  "Well, Father, are
there any midget nuns in the town?"  "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in
the town.  Go back to your seat."  The priest turned and resumed saying Mass,
when he felt yet another tug at his vestments.  Somewhat annoyed, he turned
and found Dopey still standing beside him, a look of concern on his face.
 "Father, are there any midget nuns in the country?"  Incensed by the dwarf's
persistent questions the priest shouted angrily, "For the last time, there
are no midget nuns in the parish, in the town, in the country or in the
entire universe!  Now go back to your seat!"  Dejected, Dopey walked down the
steps of the altar and down the long aisle, and as he approached the back of
the church the priest heard little voices in the back singing "Dopey fucked a
penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin...."

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Date:    Sat, 4 Nov 1995 11:16:25 -0500
From:    Jerry Cole <SmokinJAC@AOL.COM>
Subject: Diets <offensive to lesbians>

Q.  Why can't lesbians go on a diet?

A.  They can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

(Note for Non-U.S. subscribers:  Jenny Craig is a brand of diet foods and
Mary Kay is a brand of cosmetics.)

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Date:    Sat, 4 Nov 1995 11:40:26 EST
From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Wild sex! <adult themes>

Harvey tells his doctor his sex life is unsatisfactory.  He suggests
Harvey should go to an adult movie where he may pick up some new ideas.
After going to the movie, Harvey gets home late and his wife says,
"Harvey, where have you been?  I've been worried about you."  He
explains about his doctor's advice and says, "You know, all of the
women in the movie, they MOAN."  "Harvey, if you want me to moan for
you, I'll moan."  They go to bed, things begin to progress and his wife
asks, "Harvey, you want me to moan for you?"  "NO!  DON'T MOAN YET!"
Things start getting even hotter and again his wife asks, "Harvey, you
want me to moan now?"  "NO! DON'T MOAN YET!  DON'T MOAN YET!"  Finally
the magic moment arrives and when his wife asks if he wants her to moan,
Harvey screams, "YES!!! MOAN NOW!!!  MOAN NOW!!!"  His wife says,
"Harvey, the lines at the mall were so long and the prices so high..."
Lyle's Joke Boutique.

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Date:    Sat, 4 Nov 1995 14:06:02 GMT
From:    Michael Forster <mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: High school riposte

Laurie Nyveen tells me that:

In high school, our hippie-esque world history teacher told the friend
sitting next to me, quite out loud:

"Hey Frankel, when your IQ gets to 60, sell!"

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Date:    Sat, 4 Nov 1995 11:07:35 -0800
From:    John B Tanner <fatjac@MAILHOST.HOOKED.NET>
Subject: The F word

A little boy in the first grade is told by the teacher he's going to be in
the class play.

He tells her " No, I won't be in the class play."

The teacher says " You have to be in the class play."

He tells her " No, I won't be in the class play."

She says " Look, if you're not in the class play, you'll break your
mother's heart.  I know how you feel so I'll give you the easiest part.
All you have to say is ' Hark, there's hope for her soul. I'll snatch a
kiss and steal off in the night. Shakespeare.'"

Reluctantly the kid agrees.  On the big night his moment comes.  The stage
lights are on him, his mother smiles and the kid says    " Hark, there's
soap in her hole. I'll kiss her snatch and beat off in the night.
Snakeshit--er Spereshit--er Oh, fuck it. I didn't want to be in the play in
the first place."

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Date:    Sat, 4 Nov 1995 16:49:22 -0500
From:    Joanne Lukas-Pinarski <JMLP@AOL.COM>
Subject: Re: Oral Frog<OFFENSIVE-oral sex>

A drunk walks into a bar with a frog in his hand.  "Hey, bartender, give me a
drink"  Bartender says, "Hey, buddy what's with the frog?"  Drunk says
loudly, "This frog is special, he's an expert at cunnilingus."  Bartender
says, "Get out of here, you drunk."  Drunk says, "No, no really he's an
expert at cunnilingus."  At hearing this a drunk woman at the end of the bar
says, "Ok buddy, for 100 bucks let's see what your frog can do."  She then
takes off her panties and proceeds to lie on top of the bar in front of the
frog.  The drunk says, "Frog, go eat her."  The frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit."
and sits there.  The drunk says again, "Frog, go eat her."  Once again the
frog sits there and says, "Ribbit, ribbit."  With that the whole bar laughs
and the drunk woman says, "Hey, buddy you better give me my 100 bucks back."
 The drunk says,  "No, no let me talk to my frog."  with that the drunk turns
to the frog and says, "Now frog, I'm going to show you one more time..."

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Date:    Sat, 4 Nov 1995 17:28:04 -0600
From:    Brian Walker <walkerb@PIONET.NET>
Subject: Free offer!

>Date:         Thu, 26 Oct 1995 14:45:07 -0500
>Reply-To: Personal Ideologies Discussion List <BELIEF-L@LISTSERV.AOL.COM>
>Sender: Personal Ideologies Discussion List <BELIEF-L@LISTSERV.AOL.COM>
>From: "John B. Russell" <jrussell@UNLINFO.UNL.EDU>
>Subject:      Free offer!
>To: Multiple recipients of list BELIEF-L <BELIEF-L@LISTSERV.AOL.COM>
>
>In honor of our Glorious List Owner:
>--------------------------------------------------------
>Hi-Tech Coasters - Free!
>
>This is a special, limited offer for free hi-tech coasters to place your
>cups and mugs upon.
>
>Sized and shaped exactly like 3 1/2" high density disks, these durable
>plastic coasters will provide years of service while keeping your hardwood
>furniture free of those nasty rings of dried soda and coffee.  Order
>several to leave around the house - for the living room, next to the
>computer, etc.  Coasters can be custom printed with the word "Macintosh"
>or "Windows" to suit your individual preferences.
>
>Flash!  For extra-large mugs, we now provide coasters that are the exact
>size and shape as CD-ROM's!  Be the first on the block to put your mug
>down on the hippest coaster today!
>
>For your free coaster, call America Online today at (800) 445-6622.  Order now!
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>[Note to the dense: this is intended to be *humor*. Do not call AOL
>and ask for free coasters unless you really want to piss them off.]
>
>jr
>
>

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Date:    Sat, 4 Nov 1995 19:18:31 -0500
From:    Dan Arbuckle - Gaylord <darbuckl@NORTHLAND.LIB.MI.US>
Subject: Highway Bandits (Adult Theme)

   Ma and Pa were driving down the lane with their horse and buggy when
   they saw highway bandits waiting for them around the next bend.  Ma is
   worried about her rings and jewelry, so she hides them in her pussy!!
   Sure enough, the highway bandits stop them and take everything they have,
   including the horse and buggy!!  As they walk on down the lane, Ma says,
   "At least we saved my jewelry!!"  And Pa answers, "Yeah, and if your
   mother had been along, we could have saved the horse and buggy, too!!"

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Date:    Sat, 4 Nov 1995 19:38:14 -0600
From:    Marcus D. Parsons <mparsons@MAIL.WIN.ORG>
Subject: Halloween - a little late

True Story.  It is less likely to happen in today's violent world.

    A few of us were sitting at our desks drinking coffee on the morning
after Halloween when a co-worker said "I've got to tell you what happened
at my house last night.
    It was nine o'clock and the kids stopped coming to the door so I
turned off the porch light and sat down to read the paper. The door bell
rang and I thought, "There's always one late one".  So I got the bowl of
candy and turned on the porch light and opened the door.
    I didn't see anyone but a little voice said, "Trick or Treat".  I
looked down and there was a really little kid.  I said, 'Son do you have
a trick'"  He said, "Ain't got no trick".   I said, "Well, here's your
treat.  Where's your bag?.
    He said. "I ain't got no bag.  I eats it as I gets it".

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Date:    Sat, 4 Nov 1995 22:41:14 -0600
From:    Timothy Abicht <abich_tr@STUDENTS.UWLAX.EDU>
Subject: Top 10 Reasons Your Relationship May Be in Danger

Following the heady (or flaming) of my previous list (10 Men You'd Hate to
Wake Up Next to in the Morning); I've come up with a new one...

Top Ten Reasons Your Relationship May Be in Danger

 10. Your boyfriend wants to nail your sister.
  9. Your lesbian girlfriend tells you she's having Elvis Presley's love child.
  8. One word: Cannibalism.
  7. You live in the Midwest, he lives in a world of his own.
  6. You wonder why they never talk with you when you visit their grave.
  5. They have a growing collection of vodka bottles under the bed.
  4. Three simple words: Stroke during sex.
  3. You both need to be in control of the remote control.
  2. Its hard to tell, but one is bitchy, and the other IS a bitch.
  1. One of you is on a anti-psychotic.

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