Digest for Saturday, November 04, 1995
There are 8 messages totalling 272 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
.
- HUMOR List Traffic Report
- More Disney (sexual innuendo)
- Changing Our National Symbol (Clean)
- You Know Youre in Trouble When ... Part 1 of 4
- Fame vs Impatience
- Pig out?
- translations
- Cassaroles (Off. to Native Americans)
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Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 01:11:16 -0500
From: Jim Goldman <us012033@INTERRAMP.COM>
Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report
Hello everyone! This is Jim, the traffic reporter for the HUMOR list.
It is my responsibility to keep track of the number of submissions and
subscribers to the list. At the start of the first full week of a month,
I post my traffic report to the entire list. Welcome to November. My
mailbox is here for you, and if you have any questions, problems, or
concerns, please feel free to direct them to me at jimphynn@interramp.com.
I also encourage you to take a look at my web page, if you have access.
I have recently moved my web page from a preliminary site to
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn.
In the past month, I have received emails from subscribers around
the world, asking me about the subscribers from different countries.
Specifically, they were asking about subscribers in Bahrain, and in
Russia. If you are reading these words, reside in either of those
countries, and wish to start an email pen-pal relationship with someone
who is interested, please email me and I will let the people who
expressed their interest know about it.
Without further ado, here is this week's traffic report:
Traffic Report for HUMOR, 29 October - 4 November
(Number of articles posted each day)
4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last
Date Day Back Back Back Back Week
29 Sunday 11 11 9 14 10
30 Monday 14 13 12 14 16
31 Tuesday 17 13 10 18 23
1 Wednesday 21 19 12 18 18
2 Thursday 16 16 19 10 13
3 Friday 22 15 13 18 19
4 Saturday 14 7 8 11 11
Averages 16.4 13.4 11.9 14.7 15.7
Subscriptions 7,263 7,477 7,623 7,765 7,865
Countries 65 67 67 67 67
Contributors 596 604 611 612 625
Here is a list of countries (unconcealed subscribers) to which the
HUMOR list goes. If your country is not listed here, please let me
know.
Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Brazil, Bulgaria,
Canada, China, Colombia, Costa Rica, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark,
Ecuador, Egypt, Estonia, Fiji, Finland, France, Germany, Great Britain,
Greece, Hongkong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland,
Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lithuania,
Luxembourg, Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Mozambique, Netherlands, New
Zealand, Norway, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia,
Saudi-Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden,
Switzerland, Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, Uruguay,
USA, and Venezuela.
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.
The purpose of the Posters list is to protect our readers from
careless, quarrelsome, and selfish contributors. To become a
member request the instructions by sending the command GET HUMOR
GUIDE from our LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU address.
** The following are the goals of HUMOR:
To provide a daily average of 10-20 substantial examples of
humor.
To provide a diversity of humor: sources, forms, and subjects.
To provide freedom of expression for contributors and protection
of sensitivities for readers.
** The following are the brief version of HUMOR's rules:
1) Three rules protect HUMOR from complaints.
Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor.
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive.
A contributor who violates rules may be suspended.
2) Six rules protect HUMOR members from excessive traffic.
Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted.
Discussion, requests, and criticisms should not be posted
One contribution per day.
No personal attacks, no apologies, and no reactions.
Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines
max).
Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines. No ASCII art. No
signature file.
And now for my usual contribution of humor:
Subject: Deaths in the Family
<adult themes, may be offensive to those who recently lost a loved one>
"Hey, man, you look terrible," Brad remarked to his friend Pete.
"What's up?"
"Two months ago, my aunt Betty died -- and left me $20 000," Pete
replied.
"Sorry to hear about that. Is that why you're bummed out?"
Pete shook his head. "Last month, my grandfather died -- and left me
$50 000."
"Two deaths in two months," Brad said. "That's tough."
"But this month," Pete sighed, "nothing."
Jim Goldman, Traffic Reporter (jimphynn@interramp.com)
=====================================================================
To leave the contributors list send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command
SIGNOFF HUMOR-P.
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR.
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command
SUBSCRIBE HUMOR Call-name FamilyName.
A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.
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Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 11:41:01 GMT
From: Michael Forster <mforster@FINDHORN.ORG>
Subject: More Disney (sexual innuendo)
Looking at some of the recent humour on this list, these are obviously less
innocent times. I can remember when I was young, Snow White thought Seven Up
was just a soft drink...
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Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 07:42:37 -0500
From: Richard Hughen <hughie@POSTOFFICE.PTD.NET>
Subject: Changing Our National Symbol (Clean)
"At the rate America is decaying morally, we shall have to change our
national symbol from an eagle to a vulture." Vance Havner
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Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 12:47:00 +0100
From: ROBERT APPLETON <robert.appleton@SOL.KISS.DE>
Subject: You Know You're in Trouble When ... Part 1 of 4
You've been at work for 3 hours before you notice your skirt is caught in
your pantyhose.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are 3 months overdue.
You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead
of deodorant.
You discover that your 12 year old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue
in your Preparation H.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens
in your dresser drawer.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
You wake up to the soothing sounds of running water and remember that
you just bought a waterbed.
============================================
robert.appleton@sol.kiss.de
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Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 10:33:23 -0500
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <Kbrousseau@AOL.COM>
Subject: Fame vs Impatience
Long on egotism but short on cash, the young actor was trying to talk his
impatient landlord into waiting for the rent. "In a few years," he said,
"people will point to this apartment and say 'Jones the famous actor, ounce
lived there.' "
"If I don't get my rent tonight," said the landlord, "they'll be able to say
it tomorrow."
**If you see a person without a smile, give him/her one of yours.**
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Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 12:01:00 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Pig out? <adult themes>
A retired businessman bought a farm and decided to raise livestock.
He talked to a neighboring farmer who suggested raising pigs. He
explained it was a very simple process. "Buy a sow, take it to a
farmer that has a boar, get the sow bred and pretty soon you'll have a
whole bunch of little piglets." The businessman knew nothing about
handling livestock so he put the sow in a wheelbarrow, wheeled it down
the road and got it bred. Not realizing these things take time, he let
several days go by and when no piglets showed up, he again put the sow
in the wheelbarrow, wheeled it down and got it bred again. When he
went to the barnyard the next morning, the first thing he saw was the
sow sitting in the wheelbarrow. Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Mon, 6 Nov 1995 09:57:56 +0900
From: Maurizio MORABITO <b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: translations
>From "American Demographics" magazine:
Here is a look at how shrewd American business people translate
their slogans into foreign languages:
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in
Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was
read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make
a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes
a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they
were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is "f,"
which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product,
only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No Va"
means "It Does Not Go" in Spanish.
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they
translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally.
The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from
the Grave."
When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something
that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that
the characters used meant "Bite The Wax Tadpole." They later changed to
a set of characters that mean "Happiness In The Mouth."
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as here in the USA--with the cute baby on the label. Later they
found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of
what is inside since most people can not read.
Maurizio Morabito |"I for one could offer a lot of thoughts on any
maurizio@nibh.go.jp| subject,but in many cases they would be based on
| speculation at best, or misinformation at worst"
Tsukuba, Japan | D.P.Chassin
WWW = ftp://ripsport.aist.go.jp/pub/outgoing/maurizio/maurizio.html
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Date: Sun, 5 Nov 1995 19:30:46 -0600
From: Marcus D. Parsons <mparsons@MAIL.WIN.ORG>
Subject: Cassaroles (Off. to Native Americans)
True story told to me by my uncle Fred D. after my asking what was in
Aunt Merle's cassarole dish.
During the depression years, Fred and his buddy were driving trucks on
a Govt. road building project up in the Dakotas. It was noon and they
stopped their trucks at the roadside beside a small stream. There was an
Indian encampment there between the road and the stream. One of the
braves came up the hill to them and told them they could come down and eat
with them out of the kettle.
They took their tin plates and cups and went down to eat with the
Indians. Fred said that he knew what to expect so he took the ladle and
put the stew on his plate and went over to sit on a log and eat. But his
buddy stayed behind and was stirring and poking into the stew, obviously
trying to identify what was in it. Then one brave spoke up in a loud
voice, "Ugh! Dig deep. Dog on bottom".
I never did learn what Aunt Merle put in her cassarole.
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