Digest for Friday, December 01, 1995
There are 8 messages totalling 344 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Web that smut!
- SLUGGO Press Release
- Put me in coach!
- TTNBC Homebrewers Version Part 1 of 3
- In The News - May be off to Newt Gingrich, women, gays, more below
- Surprising the cow
- Rogets accident
- War On Pregnancy
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 00:04:33 -0500
From: Gwen Eckman <fool@UDEL.EDU>
Subject: Web that smut!
>From The January 1996 MacUser..
WEB THAT SMUT! - Andy Ihnatko
How to play..
The object of Web That Smut!:
To proceed from a perfectly innocent starting point on the web to... hang
on - I've got the text of the litigation here somewhere. Aha!- "words
and/or images of a prurient nature which violate reasonable standards of
good taste in the town and/or county of it's source or destination of
transmission."
How to Play:
You and your opponent sit at opposite sides of a Mac with Internet access
and a web browser up and running. Your opponent names a web site. You
then offer an opening bid of how many mouse clicks it will take to move
from that friendly locale to an image of graphic smut. Just as in the TV
original (name that tune), you barter the wager back and forth until one
of you loses your nerve.
YOU: I can Web That Smut! in five mouse clicks.
OPONNENT: (after a way pause) Web That Smut!
You then have the agreed upon number of clicks to locate any text or
graphics that, when accessed, immediately take your mind's eye back to
the lecture your clergyman gave your entire sunday-school class when he
caught your friend staring at the depilatory ads in Woman's Day.
The Rules of engagement:
1. Any mouse click that activates a link to either a file or another Web
Page counts toward the total. Clicks within the scroll bars are free.
2. You cannot hit a site more than once in any one round, but if you need
to backtrack, you may do so without penalty. When Web That Smut! is
played at championship levels, however, each click on the Back button
counts; this is the game's equivelant of doing the Times crosword puzzle
in ink and marks you as one big and crunchy master of Web Naughtiness.
3.Mouse clicks must be limited to the content area of your browser's
window. The 'what's new' and 'what's cool' buttons are verbotten, as is
the keyboard - you can't perform a keyword search.
4.A contestant has Webbed That Smut! when the screen contains an image
featuring either nudity, creative forms of counterproductive dress, or
text of a prurient nature as described by Senator Exon. For instance, any
appearance of the word 'winnebago' or 'turnstyle' scores an immediate
Exon for you or for your team. Merely accessing a file doesn't count; the
text, sound, or imagery must be plain for all to see for the Exon to be
recognised by the scorekeeper.
Additional:
Web That Smut! the drinking game:
As with all good drinking games, the rule maker had to formulate the
rules while drunk, so I downed a whole bottle of Sam Adams Triple Bock
and waited for the magic to happen. When my vision returned four days
later, I read the resulting manuscript, and I must say I really don't
approve of what I wrote at all. So my advice is to just pop a tape of The
Bob Newhart Show into the VCR and try to get a game of 'Hi, Bob!' going
concurrently.
Solo Web that Smut!:
The solo version of Web That Smut! is a variation I've developed entitled
'Championship Conservative Chain Gang' According to the original text of
Exon's Communications Decency Act, distributing offensive materials via
the internet or acting as a means of access to same invites a two-year
jail term. The object of Chain Gang is therefore to change the fate of
the world by getting as many archconservative political figures on a
prison chain gang as possible in one uninterrupted pass, via the web
sites they control. You get points for length as well as the quality of
the chain. Witness my best to date:
Beginning at the web page of Uber-Reaganite Dick Arney
(http://www.house.gov/arney/), two clicks away brings you to the house of
represenatives, headed by Newt Gingrich. Three from there lands you in
the flat tax home page, with plenty of links to the conservative world,
such as the archconservative Political Newstalk Network, which happily
gives you access to the Christian Coalition's Web Page. Cool! Now we've
got Ralph reed smashing rocks with Newt and Dick! A deep browse turns up
a Q&A articla eby none other than Pat "I Am Not A Televangelist"
Robertson, with one and only one link to the outside. Fortunately that's
all wee need, as that crucial link in turn leads us to the Best of the
Web contest page. From there, four mouse clicks takes us to the
frequently asked questions (FAQ) page of the alt.sex newsgroup, from
which startling pictures of women modelling terribly revealing and
clearly uncomfortable leather-and-chains ensembles is but one click away.
And the name of that crucial site linking all these conservatives to the
Leather Godess? Why, it's a link to the United States Constitution page
at Cornell University.
It's a pretty cheap irony when you think about it, but I'll take it anyway.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 06:09:21 -0500
From: Imre Kertesz III <Ikertes@AOL.COM>
Subject: SLUGGO Press Release
DISCLAIMER:
SLUGGO Press Release is a parody of daily international news. Every
person, government, religion, etc. that makes headlines is a target.
I don't discriminate. SLUGGO NEWS can be offensive; there are too many
topics to provide individual disclaimers. I welcome any suggestions,
input, and ESPECIALLY criticism.
____________________________________________________________
SLUGGO Press Release - 51st edition - part 1 of 2
Staff contributors: Newsguy, Norskawood, SYKO, Darkman Press,
Roiders, Snoopy, Wild-Wild Press
H I G H L I G H T S
1. (WASHINGTON) The Washington Times has reported a study
revealing several members of Congress who aren't corruptable,
citing several documented incidences of honesty and selfless
acts. Political analysts fear that this dangerous trend could
snowball, eventually wiping out the national debt or possibly
even destroy the bureaucratic party now in office. Doctors at
Georgetown University have suggested parting-out old, seasoned
politicians for their still useful parts to create what the
doctors call Franken-ticians. The doctors and political analysts
claim that a legion of Frankenticians could fill empty positions
of power, such as the spaces arranged to be vacant, previously
occupied by non-conforming expendables like Vincent Foster.
-REUSTR, 10 AUG-
2. (NIGERIA) Forty Nigerians allegedly accused of coup plotting,
sentenced in a widely-criticized secret trial, have had their
charges reduced to poo clotting. They may have some time to
wait before their punishment is administered, as Military ruler
General Sani Abacha holds in his bowels with a week's diet worth
of pickled eggs, beer, kimchee, and polish sausage. The U.N.
security council is deciding whether or not to intervene in the
punishment, citing several provisions of the Geneva Convention
regulations which prohibit punishment by fecal ingestion.
-REUSTR, 9 AUG-
(old news, I know...)
3. (LOS ANGELES) The chief medical examiner for Los Angeles County
took the stand in the O.J. Simpson trial Friday, but the court
session did not include gruesome autopsy photographs of the murder
victims. Rather, the corpses themselves were brought in to display
the knife wounds. Prosecuters took advantage of the fact that
everyone in the courtroom had just eaten lunch and requested that
the resultant 85 gallons of vomit be used as evidence.
-Reustr, 7 Aug-
4. (Gaza) In a sharp reminder of the power Israel still wields over
Palestinian self-rule areas, Israeli Foreign Minister Peres ordered the
750,000 Arab residents of the Gaza Strip to stop breathing. Peres
issued the order on the eve of resumed talks with the PLO in Cairo
on reducing the girth of Yasser Arafat's ass. (SLUG, 10 Aug)
5. (INDIA) Fulfilling an election promise, the rightwing coalition
government of India's western state of Maharashtra has changed
Bombay's name to Bum-Fuck-Egypt, as it was known in its pre-colonial
days when the colonists had absolutely no idea where they were.
-REUSTR/DARKMAN, JUL29-
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 12:20:45 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Put me in coach!
A big and brawny kid was watching football practice one day. As the
ball was thrown his way, he jumped about ten feet in the air and caught
it, surprising the coach. On a running play, the kid ran alongside the
fastest player on the team and easily outran him. The coach was
visibly impressed and shouted to the big guy, "Hey, fella, do you think
you could pass a football?" "Hell, coach, if I can swallow it, I'm
pretty sure I can pass it!" Lyle's Joke Boutique.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 21:27:00 +0100
From: ROBERT APPLETON <robert.appleton@SOL.KISS.DE>
Subject: TTNBC Homebrewer's Version Part 1 of 3
A Homebrewer's Version
atter,
I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen, I flew like a flash,
Opening the door with a loud bang and crash!
I threw on the switch and the lights, all aglow,
Gave a luster of mid-day to the brew-pot below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But Gambrinus himself, the patron of beer.
With a look in his eye, so lively and quick,
He said, "You want beer? Well, here, take your pick."
(TBC - next week)
------------------------------------------------------------------
robert.appleton@sol.kiss.de
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 17:37:37 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - May be off to Newt Gingrich, women, gays, more below
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
reprinted w/o permission
WARNING CONT'd - May also be off to President Clinton, Rodney King,
Tonya Harding and Anna Nicole Smith
President "I can't drive 55" Clinton signed a bill to repeal the 55 MPH
speed limit. This should shave at least 5 hours from his trip back to
Arkansas in January '96.
Newt Gingrich said his family convinced him not to run for President.
That's okay. I mean, half the fun of electing a new President is
watching his hair turn white in the first two years.
Rodney King's wife has filed for divorce. He thinks he took a beating
before? Just wait until her lawyer gets through with him.
Tonya Harding's fiance has been in trouble for lying and assault. It
sure is nice to see a young couple with so much in common.
Anna Nicole Smith checked herself into the Betty Ford rehab clinic. It
isn't going well. She keeps asking for a scotch on the rocks and George
Burns' phone number.
A Domino's Pizza employee was awarded $237,000 after his female boss
sexually harassed him. I guess she wanted him to deliver in 30 minutes
or less.
A new credit card, called the Visa Rainbow Card, is being introduced for
gay, lesbian and bisexual consumers. Great. Now, you can come out of the
closet and go right into debt.
An FBI study shows that prostitution arrests are down 22% since 1985.
Hookers are spending less time on the streets and more time on daytime
talk shows.
Four New York men died after ingesting a purported aphrodisiac. The
product was apparently manufactured by a Spanish fly-by-night operation.
A tax court ruled against a man who won cash and a car on the TV
game show "Wheel of Fortune." The IRS has said that he couldn't deduct
buying a vowel as a legitimate business expense.
A French woman claimed she killed her husband because of his excessive
flatulence. In fact, she testified that when he died in her arms, his
last request was, "Pull my finger."
And finally, they say that the best gifts are those that come from the
heart, so this year, I'm giving aortas!
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 20:40:25 -0500
From: Lee Vermont <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: Surprising the cow <language>
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he
wanted to get them bred. So, he borrowed his neighbor's bull
and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch
and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
"OK, Pop." said the little boy.
After a while, the boy came into the living room where his father
was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop", said the boy, "the bull
just fucked the brown cow".
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said,
"Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use
language like that in front of company. You should sa
'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell
me when the bull surprises the white cow".
The father went back inside the house. After a while the
boy came in and said, "Hey, Pop".
"Yes, Son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 17:36:11 -0800
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Roget's accident
A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the
highway. The local newspaper reported that onlookers were
"stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumbfounded."
Thanks to Gary Killops and JOKEMASTER (not me, friends: Gary Guibor).
Jack Kolb
kolb@ucla.edu
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 23:09:56 EST
From: KEITH E SULLIVAN <DNWU64A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: War On Pregnancy
Sign seen today in the OB Ward at Madigan Army Hospital, Fort Lewis,
Washington:
Any Problems/Concerns Regarding
Your Care Please See/Notify
Kathleen Judge RNC
Head Nurse Labor And Delivery
Phone 968-0711
or
War master of Labor And Delivery
Phone 968-0712
Has the Army declared war on pregnancy?
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index