Digest for Saturday, December 02, 1995
There are 11 messages totalling 426 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
.
-
- HUMOR List Traffic Report
- Length differences (rude)
- FWD: Twas the Night Before Christmas written by a technica
- Updated version: Psychiatric voice mail message
- A family affair?
- the meaning of UFOs
- Two bums
- hockey and sex
- ABOUT TONY - RATED
- The tea fancier - Joke- Clean
.
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Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 04:53:46 UT
From: D. S. Paull <DLJBS@MSN.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>
Did you hear about the three blonds who froze to death?
They went to the drive-in theatre to see "Closed For The Winter".
SIGNS YOU BOUGHT A BAD COMPUTER
8. Lower corner of screen has the words "etch-a-sketch" on it
7. Its celebrity spokesman is that "hey Vern!" guy
6. In order to start it you need some jumper cables & a friend's car
5. You know them floppy disks? Well this baby has a floppy keyboard!
4. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in the neighborhood start
howling!
3. Screen frequently freezes up & message comes up:
"ain't it break-time, Chester?"
2. The manual contains one sentence: "good luck"
1. The ONLY chip inside is a DORITO!
You know you're getting old when. . .
. . .resiting temptation is not as hard as recognizing it.
. . .you know your way around, but you don't feel like going.
. . .you go into a record store and expect to see records.
. . .you're 17 around the neck, 38 around the waist and 126
around the golf course.
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Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 02:11:30 -0500
From: Jim Goldman <jimphynn@INTERRAMP.COM>
Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report
Hello everyone! This is Jim, the HUMOR List Traffic Reporter.
Once a month it is my responsibility to send the traffic report
to the entire list. Welcome to the month of December.
If you have any questions, concerns, or comments about the HUMOR
list, please feel free to email me at jimphynn@interramp.com. You
may also want to check out my web page at http://www.webcom.com/
jimphynn. I am here for you.
If you subscribe to HUMOR and would like to gain contributor's
status, send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET HUMOR GUIDE.
That's it for now, and I'll see you all next month. :)
Traffic Report for HUMOR, 26 November - 2 December
(Number of articles posted each day)
4 Weeks 3 Weeks 2 Weeks 1 Week Last
Date Day Back Back Back Back Week
26 Sunday 10 8 11 14 7
27 Monday 16 15 18 21 20
28 Tuesday 23 17 13 20 12
29 Wednesday 18 18 13 14 16
30 Thursday 13 15 20 10 23
1 Friday 19 15 15 9 17
2 Saturday 11 10 11 6 8
Averages 15.7 14.0 14.4 13.4 14.7
Subscriptions 7,865 7,967 8,069 8,095 8,138
Countries 67 68 68 67 66
Contributors 625 640 649 654 660
Here is a list of all non-concealed countries subscribing to HUMOR:
(let me know if your country is not listed here.)
Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Brazil, Bulgaria,
Canada, Costa Rica, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt,
Estonia, Fiji, Finland, France, Germany, Great Britain, Greece,
Hongkong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel,
Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg,
Malaysia, Malta, Mexico, Monaco, Mozambique, Netherlands, New Zealand,
Norway, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Russia, Saudi-
Arabia, Singapore, Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland,
Taiwan, Thailand, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, USA, and Venezuela.
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc. These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.
The purpose of the Posters list is to protect our readers from
careless, quarrelsome, and selfish contributors. To become a
member request the instructions by sending the command GET HUMOR
GUIDE from our LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU address.
** The following are the goals of HUMOR:
To provide a daily average of 10-20 substantial examples of
humor.
To provide a diversity of humor: sources, forms, and subjects.
To provide freedom of expression for contributors and protection
of sensitivities for readers.
** The following are the brief version of HUMOR's rules:
1) Three rules protect HUMOR from complaints.
Subject line should disclose the subject of the humor.
Subject line should include warning if potentially offensive.
A contributor who violates rules may be suspended.
2) Six rules protect HUMOR members from excessive traffic.
Only substantial examples of verbal humor should be posted.
Discussion, requests, and criticisms should not be posted
One contribution per day.
No personal attacks, no apologies, and no reactions.
Articles should normally be shorter than 25 lines (99 lines
max).
Conserve bandwidth: Avoid blank lines. No ASCII art. No
signature file.
And now for my usual contribution of humor:
Subject: Enlightening Thought <possibly off. to existentialists>
How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
symbolized a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
netherworld of endless absurdity reaching toward a maudlin cosmos of
nothingness.
Jim Goldman, Traffic Reporter
(jimphynn@interramp.com http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn)
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To leave the contributors list send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command
SIGNOFF HUMOR-P.
To leave HUMOR send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SIGNOFF HUMOR.
To subscribe send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command
SUBSCRIBE HUMOR Call-name FamilyName.
A command goes in the 1st line of the message field.
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Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 10:05:11 +0200
From: Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Length differences (rude)
Do you know that the average length of a penis is 6 inches and the
average depth of a vagina is about 7 inches?
- What's the conclusion?
There are hundreds of miles of wasted pussy in the world.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ariel Altar e-mail: ALTARA@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL
phone: 972-4-8294394
Quality Assurance & Reliability Dept.
Technion - Israel Institute of Technology
Hey, what's love got to do with it? (T.T.)
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Date: Fri, 1 Dec 1995 15:33:00 EST
From: Ron Barak <barak.uneca@UN.ORG>
Subject: FWD: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' written by a technica
'Twas the Night Before Christmas' as written by a technical writer for a
firm that does Gov't contracting...
'Twas The Night Before Christmas
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic
activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery
was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning
caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through
their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head
coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended
such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source
thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected
as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be
said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my
incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered
conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer,
piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it
became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.
With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been
more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated
loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed
each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now
Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our
abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a
180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost
celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He
was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from
oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls
thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the
plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious
cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary
dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The
capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with
blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the
coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium,
or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so
much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment
appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes,
forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a
decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund,
multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly
frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly
lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to
one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles
of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally
transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an
abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition
to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of
leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in
reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector
onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his
contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and
proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the
seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting
exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the
limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and
to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously
beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
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Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 09:45:46 EST
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Updated version: Psychiatric voice mail message
This an updated version of some humor which has already been posted
several times to HUMOR. I hope you agree there are so nice improvements.
Date: Sat, 2 Dec 1995 10:41:35 -0500 (EST)
From: Mike Berger <mberger@CapAccess.org>
hi - my wife forwarded this to me, and i pass it on to you. cheers
Ring
Ring
*click*
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline automated answering service.
If you are obsessive-complsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware
that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and
about to bite off your ear.
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Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 12:59:14 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: A family affair? <adult themes>
A guy walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey lined up in
front of him. He tosses them off, one by one, and says, "Boy, I really
needed that!" "Got a problem?" the bartender asks. "Just found out
one of my sons is gay." Two days later, the same guy walks in and
orders four shots of whiskey, tosses them off and tells the bartender
he just found out another of his sons is gay. The following day he
comes in again and says, "Might as well give me the whole damn bottle."
"Good Lord," the bartender says, "doesn't anyone in your family enjoy
having sex with women?" "Yeah, my wife does." Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Mon, 4 Dec 1995 08:38:05 +0900
From: Maurizio MORABITO <b0017@NIBH.GO.JP>
Subject: the meaning of UFOs
>From the ASTRO mailing list
A clever man (A.C. Clarke?) said that the phenomenon of UFO does not
say anything about intelligence in the Universe but it proves
how rare it is on the Earth.
===
ciao
maurizio
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Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 19:28:25 -0500
From: Dave Howard <Dahowa@AOL.COM>
Subject: Two bums <gross>
This cop was walking down the street one day when he noticed two bums
sitting in an alley. As he walked down the alley to roust these two guys he
noticed that one bum had his finger up the other bum's ass. "What the hell
is going on here!?" he said. One of the bums looked up and said in a very
drunken voice, "I'm trying to make him throw up." The cop said, "You idiot,
you're supposed to stick your finger in his throat, not up his ass!" The
bum said, "I was just getting ready to do that when you walked up."
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Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 17:01:21 -0800
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: hockey and sex
From: jokemaster@genie.com
TOP TEN REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
9. The puck is always hard.
8. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even
have to wash it.
7. It lasts a full hour.
6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
5. Your parents cheer when you score.
4. Periods only last 20 minutes.
3. You can count on it at least twice a week.
2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
And, the number one reason hockey is better than sex...
A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.
Thanks Bill Denham
Jack Kolb (kolb@ucla.edu)
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Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 20:50:55 -0500
From: Harold Browning <hbrownin@CAPACCESS.ORG>
Subject: ABOUT TONY - RATED
An oldie from my files
Frank and Tony worked at the automobile plant for many years and were good
friends. One day during a coffee break, Frank thought Tony looked out of
sorts and told him so, asking him what the problem was.
Tony: It's my wife. She's giving me a hard time.
Frank: After all these years of married life ? Why ?
Tony: She gets upset about me picking my nose. Also, when we have sex, she
wants to be on top.
Frank: Can't you work out some compromise with her ?
Tony: Not on these two things. I can't change now.
Frank: C'mon Tony, why not ? Why won't you even try ?
Tony: It goes way back. When I left home to go out on my own, my father and
I had a talk. He said " Tony, you're a gooda boy an I wanna you to be
a success. There'sa two things you gotta promise me that you'll
always remember. One is to keepa you nose clean and the other is to
NEVER screw up". (I heard it with the f word; your choice)
Harold Browning
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Date: Sun, 3 Dec 1995 23:39:49 -0500
From: Harold Browning <hbrownin@CAPACCESS.ORG>
Subject: The tea fancier - Joke- Clean
A gentleman I know is an avid tea fancier, so much so that he would go
anywhere to try a new or interesting tea. He happened to read, in the
newspaper, of a tea that was reported to be very unusually good in a small
city named Mercy, in Australia. So it was no surprise that he took off for
there and located the shop where it was being sold. He made his desires known
and relaxed while they prepared a pot of their special tea for him. After
drinking the tea, he told the proprietor that the tea had an excellent
flavor but he did not care for the debris in the cup. It was explained to
him that the tea was collected by koala bears and naturally had bits of
eucalyptus leaves and bark in with the tea leaves; and also it was just
*that* which gave it the exquisite flavor. When the visitor said he would
prefer the tea without the leaves and bark in the cup, the proprietor
responded by saying " Surely, you will remember that the KOALA TEA OF
MERCY IS NOT STRAINED".
Harold Browning with apologies to Shakespeare.
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