Digest for Monday, December 04, 1995
There are 13 messages totalling 555 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- Three workers
- Scientific Deer Hunting
- Humor: An Attorneys Twas the Night Before Christmas
- Panda joke
- Disorder in the Court
- Another PC Night Before
- Exchanging words
- 25 xmas ideas to torture your room mate PT.2 (13-25)
- chain letter parody
- Christmas Poem
- bar fare
- Husband and wife (the "F" word).
- Sex & Hockey
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 12:24:44 +0200
From: stathis panagiotopoylos <span@HYPER.GR>
Subject: Three workers <off. to the Irish>
At the construction site, there's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman
working together. Come lunchtime,they sit on a ledge and unwrap their
sandwiches. Upon doing this, the Englishman exclaims, "damn, not ham again!
Next time I get ham, I'm gonna jump right off this ledge!". The Scotsman
unwraps his, and goes "damn, not cheddar again! Next time she fixes me
cheddar, I'm gonna jump off, too!". The Irishman unwraps his, goes, "damn,
not pastrami again, next time I'm jumping, too". The next day at lunchtime
they unwrap their sandwiches and sure enough, the same fillings! "Oh shit,
ham again!", says the Englishman, jumps off and gets killed! "Shit, cheddar
again", says the Scotsman and jumps, "Oh shit, pastrami again" says the
Irishman and jumps to his death.
Come tha day of the funeral, the Englishman and Scotsman's wives are
bawling their eyes out, crying, screaming etc. "Oh, if I only knew you
didn't like ham/cheddar, if I only knew, my beloved" etc. The Irishman's
wife is impassive, does not shed a tear, looks not a bit worried. So the
other two wives ask her, "why are you not grieving? You did lose your
husband, didn't you? Not even a tear?". "Oh, I'm noy crying over *him*, he
was a damn fool", says the Irishman's wife. "He always fixed his sandwiches
himself!"
________________________
Stathis N. Panagiotopoulos
http://hypernet.hyper.gr/~span/
Deep Purple Appreciation Society, Greece
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Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 07:40:11 -0500
From: Lou Cantolupo <LCantolupo@AOL.COM>
Subject: Scientific Deer Hunting <pt 2 of 2>
Sorry about missing Monday (I had promised it then). Again, credit to
cumm0014@gold.tc.umn.edu.
______________________
2 Theoretical Physics Methods
-----------------------------
2.1 The Dirac method
--------------------
We assert that wild deers can ipso facto not be observed in the woods.
Therefore, if there are any deers at all in the woods, they are tame. We
leave catching a tame deer as an exercise to the reader.
2.2 The Schroedinger method
---------------------------
At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the deer being in the
cage. Sit and wait.
2.3 The nuclear physics method
-----------------------------
Insert a tame deer into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator [6]
on it and a wild deer.
As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's sake)
a male deer. We insert a tame female deer into the cage and apply the
Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins.
2.4 A relativistic method
-------------------------
All over the woods we distribute deer bait containing large amounts of
the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been eaten we
send a beam of light through the woods. This will curl around the deer so it
gets all confused and can be approached without being alerted to our
presence.
2.5 The Newton method
-----------------
Neglect friction and the deer and the cage will attract each other.
3 Experimental Physics Methods
-----------------------------
3.1 The thermodynamics method
-----------------------------
We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but deers pass
through. This we drag through the woods.
3.2 The atomic fission method
-----------------------------
We irradiate the woods with slow neutrons. The deer becomes radioactive and
starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration process is progressed far
enough the deer will be unable to resist.
[1] After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real
Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457
[2] H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3
[3] According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch
derFunktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch every deer
except for at most one.
[4] N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of itsl Applications"
(1933), pp 73-74
[5] N. Wiener, ibid, p 89
[6] cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8
(1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107
[7] ibid "
...lou.
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Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 07:42:38 +0600
From: Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: An Attorney's 'Twas the Night Before Christmas
An Attorney's
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
Whereas, on an occasion immediately
preceding the Nativity festival,
throughout a certain dwelling unit,
quiet descended, in which could be heard
no disturbance, not even the sound
emitted by a diminutive rodent related
to, and in form resembling, a rat; and
Whereas, the offspring of the
occupants had affixed their tubular,
closely knit coverings for the nether
limbs to the flue of the fireplace in
expectation that a personage known as
St.Nicholas would arrive; and
Whereas, said offspring had become
somnolent, and were entertaining re:
saccharine-flavored fruit; and
Whereas, the adult male of the
family, et ux, attired in proper
headgear, had also become quiescent in
anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and
Whereas, a distraction on the snowy
acreage outside aroused the owner to
investigate; and
Whereas, he perceived in a most
unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled
by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a
species found in artic regions; and
Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman
was entreating the aforesaid animals by
their appellations, as follows:
"Your immediate co-operation is
requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and
Vixen; and collective action by you will
be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid,
Donder, and Blitzen"; and
Whereas, subsequent to the above,
there occurred a swift descent to the
hearth by the aforementioned gentleman,
where he proceeded to deposit gratuities
in the aforementioned tubular coverings.
Now, therefore, be ye advised:
that upon completion of these acts,
and upon his return to his original
point of departure, he proclaimed
a felicitation of the type prevalent
and suitable to these occasions, ie:
Merry Christmas to All and to All a
Good Night!
<this one comes from the NEA Journal,
December 1960>
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=} Randall {=- Room Service? I need chocolate, whipped cream & a rope.
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Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 14:44:04 +0000
From: Richard Russell <Rick@LERHOST.DEMON.CO.UK>
Subject: Panda joke <adult theme>
A panda breaks out of the local zoo and runs for ages to escape the zoo
security. He is exhausted but eventually seeks refuge in a brothel. He goes
in, and due to his exhausted state, is taken pity on by one of the
prostitutes. She takes him into her room and makes him a big meal to
bring his strength back. All the naked skin and lingerie gets the
panda horned up and he persuades the girl to have sex with him.
He has the best shag of his life and as he is going out the door, the
prostitute asks for her money. With a bewildered look, the panda says
that he does not understand.
The prostitute then opens her dictionary and points out the word
prostitute, which states:-
"Prostitute: A woman who offer sexual satisfaction for money."
The panda then takes the book off her and turns to the page with the
word panda, which states:-
"Panda: Eats shoots and leaves."
At this, he walks out and slams the door!
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Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 10:58:09 -0500
From: Ken Brousseau Sr. <Kbrousseau@AOL.COM>
Subject: Disorder in the Court
From:Richard Lederer's "Collection of'Transquips'"
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor , did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Earnestime McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
**The difference between truth and fiction. Fiction has to make sense.---Mark
Twain.**
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Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 12:37:03 -0500
From: Lee Bradley <lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Another PC 'Night Before'
This jewel was sent to HUMOR last December
From: CURT BRAMBLETT <ZZBRAMBLETTC@ACAD.WINTHROP.EDU>
It's certainly worth a repeat!
Politically Correct Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe';
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
(c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992
Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to
distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains
intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions,
distribution rights, etc should be made to
mduhan@husc.harvard.edu. Happy Holidays!
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 13:08:20 EST
From: MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Exchanging words <off. to Prince Charles/Princess Di.>
Prince Charles is working a crossword puzzle and gets stuck on a word.
He turns to Princess Di and asks, "Can you think of a four letter word
for a woman that ends in u-n-t?" "Certainly," she says, "how about
aunt?" "Thank you," Princes Charles says, "do you happen to have an
eraser?" Lady Di is also working a crossword puzzle and turns to the
Prince and asks, "Can you think of a four letter word ending in 'k'
that means the same as intercourse?" Prince Charles replies, "How
about talk?" "Pass the eraser back, please," Princess Di asks.
Lyle's Joke Boutique.
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Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 14:00:47 -0500
From: Lee Vermont <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: 25 xmas ideas to torture your room mate PT.2 (13-25)
13. Whip your roomate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and
Blitzen, etc."
14. Tear down all your roomate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah
Humbug!"
15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please
have mercy on my soul!"
16. Tell your roomate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on
34th Street.
17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.
18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts
first.
19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate's friends
"give it a yank."
20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel
gets his wings."
21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"
over and over in your underwear.
22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comesnaturaly.
23. Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes
up sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping..."
24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When
your roomate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no
room at the inn."
25.When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions.
Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.
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Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 14:20:44 -0500
From: ed lynn <idiotwind@RADIX.NET>
Subject: chain letter parody
i'm supposing that every one of you has, at one time or another, been the
target of a chain letter. more recently, this "art" has entered into the
digital domain in the form of "chain e-mail." just this morning, a friend
from new jersey (who, besides teaching gym, shall remain nameless) e-mailed
me a chain letter from someone named "mike" who claimed he started the chain
letter because he had terminal brain cancer and just wanted to see it go
around the world. i've received quite a few "chain e-mails" in the last
month alone, so this one inspired me to write a rebuttal, so to speak. a
chain-letter parody, if you will.
i've gotten some response already in the few short hours since i initially
emailed it to those who received the real email. to wit:
"Very amusing. Thanks for the laugh. Rabies?!?!?!?!?"
--ccomer@clan30.molloy.edu
i hope you enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed composing it.
"Hi. My name is Mike. I was born in Lake Waldo, a lakeside town of just
under one thousand residents. I attended Lake Waldo High School and Mental
Care Facility and graduated with a class of approximately 100 students (and
14 mentally-handicapped individuals (3 of which believed themselves to be of
interplanetary origin)). I come from a long line of ancestors and the total
count of family members currently stands at six. I have one older sister, a
communications major at the Lake Waldo School for Professional Speech. I
also have two younger siblings who happened to be born with a single colon.
My sister is a sophomore at Lake Waldo High School, and my brother is
currently in fifth grade for the eleventh time.
"My interests include watching cross country, watching sports, and watching
what I say around my father when comes home stinking drunk singing 'the Pina
Colada Song' over and over at the top of his lungs. My course of study at
Lake Waldo is based on the four basic food groups. The high school has a
strong reputation in agriculture and animal husbandry and its proximity to
the lake makes for some awesome fishing.
"My past experience with computers has been limited. I have a little
experience downloading pornography from the internet and I am fairly
competent when it comes to turning the machine on. Until two months ago, I
didn't have access to a computer in my room; however, my roommate had a word
processor. When he contracted an unusual strain of venereal disease, it was
untreatable and he left me the machine in his will. It was as if he knew it
was coming.
"By writing this letter, I hope to reach out to several million people
around the world. This is my only attempt at starting a chain letter. And my
last. You see, my doctor has diagnosed me with rabies. He's not exactly sure
how I contracted it, as our family is too poor to own a dog. Suffice it to
say, I've consumed quite a lot of water in the course of composing this
letter. The lake's water levels have gone down over a foot despite the
steady rains this spring.
"My one goal in life is to have a chain letter sent around the world before
I die. If for anything, just to annoy the people who've laughed and called
me 'foamy' over the last six months. Please help me achieve this. Send this
letter to five people who called you names in high school. Thank you."
--
doug carroll (a.k.a. ed lynn) idiot wind magazine
visit our web page at http://www/io/com/~mtbandit/iw/iwind2.htm
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Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 16:25:40 -0500
From: Jo Ellen Harris <CookieTstr@AOL.COM>
Subject: Christmas Poem<politically correct>
A Christmas poem
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Thanks to JustaSurfr@aol.com for passing this along :)
------------------------------
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Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 14:18:43 -0800
From: Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: bar fare
Thanks to jokemaster@genie.com (Gary Guibor) and Gary Killops
Thirsty Tom runs into the local bar one hot summer afternoon and
yells to the bartender, "I want something tall, cold, and full of
gin."
"Sir," said a very dignified man, "you are speaking of my wife!"
Jack Kolb
kolb@ucla.edu
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Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 15:45:00 PST
From: Howard, Dan <HOWARDD@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Husband and wife (the "F" word).
So this guy is having a lot of trouble with his wife. Arguements, etc
for
years... So he finally decides to go to a psychiatrist to talk about it.
After several sessions, the psychiatrist finally gives him the advice,
"What she needs is a good nine inches and make it hurt!"
So, he went home, fucked her three times and hit her with a brick.
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Date: Tue, 5 Dec 1995 23:52:47 -0500
From: Jerry Cole <SmokinJAC@AOL.COM>
Subject: Sex & Hockey <sexual content & offensive to Canadians>
Do you know why Canadians do it "doggie style?
So that they both can watch the hockey game.
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