Digest for Thursday, January 04, 1996

There are 8 messages totalling 267 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  2. your mail
  3. Humor: DOS Upon A Midnight Dreary
  4. The Rules (clean, mildly off.)
  5. parental notes to school secretaries
  6. Fore!
  7. nuts
  8. witty sayings 


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Date:    Fri, 5 Jan 1996 07:58:12 AST
From:    David Babineau <babind@NBNET.NB.CA>
Subject: <No subject given>

     [Misdirected post removed for Archival Purposes]

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Date:    Fri, 5 Jan 1996 07:06:16 -0500
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Re: your mail

     [Personal message removed for Archival Purposes]

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Date:    Fri, 5 Jan 1996 07:43:17 +0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randallw@ADSS.ESY.COM>
Subject: Humor: DOS Upon A Midnight Dreary

Once upon a midnight dreary,
fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets;
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
Then invoked the SAVE command
But I got a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly I must now adopt one:
Choose "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key--
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

I tried to catch the chips off-guard--
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

There I sat, distraught exhausted,
by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light--
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
Oh no -- my data base, I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored
But as for productivity, well
I fear that IT goes straight to hell
And that's the tale I have to tell
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

          -From gevans@onramp.net

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Date:    Fri, 5 Jan 1996 10:03:54 -0500
From:    Anine Sager <ASagerPDX@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Rules (clean, mildly off.)

 1. The female always makes the rules.

 2. The rules can change without notice.

 3. Males cannot know the rules.

 4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules,
    she must immediately change some of the rules.

 5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong.

 6. If the female *is* wrong, it is because of a flagrant
    misunderstanding which was a direct result of something
    that the male did or said which was wrong.

 7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the
    misunderstanding.

 8. The female can change her mind.

 9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of
    the female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him
    to be angry or upset.

12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she
    wants him to be angry or upset.

13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules.

14. The male cannot diagnose PMS.

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Date:    Fri, 5 Jan 1996 10:05:48 EST
From:    Robert Loach <102666.2623@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: parental notes to school secretaries

These are notes that school secretaries have actually received.
Some were in an article in the Detroit News back in the 1970s.

"Please excuse John for being absent Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and
 33."

"Mary could not go to school because she was bothered by very close
 veins."

"Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour throat."

"Please excuse Joey Friday.  He had loose vowels."

"Please excuse Joyce from jim today."

"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.  He fell out of a
 tree and misplaced his hip."

"Karl was hit yesterday playing football.  He was hurt in the
 growing part."

"John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach."

"Please excuse Gloria.  She has been sick and under the doctor."

"My son will have to get out of school as soon as I call the
 orthodontist, one of his wrie's is brusted and sticking in his
 Gum's."

"Please excuse Sarah from being absent yesterday.  She was sick and
 I had her shot."

"My son is under the doctors care and should not take P.E.  Please
 execute him."

"Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust."

"Please excuse Johnny for being.  It was his father's fault."

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Date:    Fri, 5 Jan 1996 11:33:14 EST
From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Fore! <some profanity>

A minister was one of a foursome of golfers.  One player used
profane language.  Every time he missed a shot he said, "God damn
it, I missed again!"

The minister soon got fed up with hearing this, looked up to the
heavens and silently prayed, "Lord, strike that sinner down."

A bolt of lightning flashed down and struck the minster dead on the
spot. A loud voice in the heavens called out, "Damn it...missed
again!"

          -Lyle's Joke Boutique.

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Date:    Fri, 5 Jan 1996 15:37:00 -0600
From:    Andrew Wagner <afwagner@STUDENTS.WISC.EDU>
Subject: nuts

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are about a dollar and deer nuts are under a buck.

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Date:    Fri, 5 Jan 1996 16:19:31 EST
From:    Vickie Arwginski <PUBREL@VUNET.VINU.EDU>
Subject: witty sayings <clean>

Two favorite slogan buttons:

       -  Reality is for those who lack imagination.

       -  I tried to drown my problems, but the little suckers
          learned to swim.

Two favorite Postcards:

       -  I used to have a handle on life ...
          but then it fell off.

       -  (picture of 4 little piggies)
          There's nothing like good friends and good dirt.

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