Digest for Friday, January 05, 1996
There are 4 messages totalling 214 lines in this issue.
Topics of the day:
- In The News - American politics, may also be off to Prince Charles,
- THE GOLF PRO (mild)
- **** Rating Your Party (by Dave Berry)
- Comedian anecdote
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 Jan 1996 05:35:08 GMT
From: Ed Lambert <ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM>
Subject: In The News - American politics, may also be off to
Prince Charles,
In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
WARNING: May also be offensive to government workers, dead pop
stars and their fans, OJ Simpson, Michael Jackson, men, women
and children
1996 was ushered in with a 6 foot 500 pound sphere covered with
12,000 rhinestones at Times Square in New York. Elvis lives!
For those still recovering from a weekend of football, here is the
bowl wrap up: The pretzel bowl was emptied in the first quarter,
the punch bowl had to be refilled at halftime, and Camilla Parker
Bowles wants to marry Prince Charles.
The government shutdown continues - protesting federal workers are
astonishing people with their obscene gestures. It's so rare to see
a civil servant lift a finger.
President Clinton caught some heat for playing golf while many
federal workers are still furloughed. A defensive Bill Clinton
insisted he was really working - he was helping OJ Simpson look
for the real killer.
The 25 year old woman in Utah who masqueraded as a 13 year old boy
was sentenced to a year in jail. On the bright side, she has been
invited to stay at Michael Jackson's ranch when she gets out.
Senator Bob Dole says he grew up listening to the Beatles - of
course, he was yelling, "Turn that crap down!"
Senator Phil Gramm says he wants to put prisoners back to work.
This is great but what about getting jobs for law abiding citizens
first?
Microsoft chief Bill Gates predicts that future street lights will
be equipped with security cameras to prevent crime. That certainly
has worked well at 7-Eleven, hasn't it?
Material witness Madonna took the stand to testify against the man
accused of stalking her. To avoid publicity, she went to the
courtroom incognito: she wore clothes. She was hesitant to appear,
but gave in when the judge promised to place her in handcuffs.
Victoria's Secret is being sued because they offered a bigger
discount to men than to women. The lingerie company disputes the
charge, saying it isn't the size of the discount, it's how you use
it.
The Postal Service's newest celebrity stamp features James Dean.
Perfect timing: the government just raised the speed limit. The
stamp shouldn't be confused with the Jimmy Dean stamp, whose glue
tastes like pork sausage.
Two fertilizer giants, ICM Global and Vigoro, have agreed to merge.
Both stocks remain unchanged, but AirWick was up 17 points.
A recent survey shows that the 9mm handgun is the weapon of choice
among high school students. Isn't it nice that the kids today have
finally embraced the metric system?
America West airlines has laid off half of its mechanics. From now
on, passengers will be allowed two carry on items - as long as one
of them is a tool box.
And finally, yet another recent study found that women transplant
patients are more likely to reject livers from male donors. The
same study found that men have no problem accepting livers from
women, they just don't want to make a commitment.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 6 Jan 1996 14:49:24 -0500
From: Harold Browning <hbrownin@CAPACCESS.ORG>
Subject: THE GOLF PRO (mild)
A golf pro was in Las Vegas for a tournament. When it was over, he
took his earnings, met a gorgeous blonde and had a whale of a time
that night, winding up marrying her. When they awoke in a motel the
next morning, she said, " There's one thing you should know about
me. I'm a hooker".
To which he replied, "Don't worry about it a bit. I'm a golf pro
and I'll get your swing straightened out in no time at all".
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 6 Jan 1996 13:07:28 MST7MDT
From: Scott De Mann <COLLIERS@STUDENT.NS.SUU.EDU>
Subject: **** Rating Your Party (by Dave Berry)
Rating Your Party
by Dave Barry
If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw
the kind of party where your guests wake up today and call you up
to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw
another party next year.
What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your
guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find
out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to
be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they
immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance,
just to prevent you from having another one.
So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity
Level:
Festivity Level One:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright
piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level Two:
Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other and
sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree
ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano,
gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level Three:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects,
singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's
drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments and placing hors
d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the
little hammers strike.
Festivity Level Four:
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked
bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning
Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless
you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to
Level Four. The best way to get to Level Three is eggnog.
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.
Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first
syllable comes from the English word "egg," meaning, "egg." I don't
know where the "nog" comes from.
To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they
are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive
bowl. Then induce your guests to drink this mixture.
If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
unless your party is very successful, in which case they will lob
tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to
make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on
arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best
way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and
assure them you're not doing anything illegal.
Here's how to handle it:
Police: Good evening. Are you the host?
You: No.
Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
You: About the drugs?
Police: No.
You: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the
guns?
Police: No, the noise.
You: Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no
guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
background) ...or fireworks. Who's complaining about the
noise? The neighbors?
Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you
could ask the host to quiet things down?
You: No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive
religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the
living room and roars down the hall, past the police and
out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a
tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.)
See? Things are already starting to wind down.
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index
Date: Sat, 6 Jan 1996 23:54:59 EST
From: Bill <BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU>
Subject: Comedian anecdote
Jack Benny was for about 50 years one of the USA's favorite
comedians. One of his gimmicks was to play the violin badly (the
audience would boo and laugh).
Jack Benny tells of the time he carried his violin case to the
White House to perform for President Eisenhower. A guard stopped
him and asked, "What's in that case?"
To be funny, Benny replied, "A machine-gun."
"Thank goodness," deadpanned the guard, "I was afraid it was your
violin!"
------------------------------
Return to Topics
Return to day index
Return to Month Index