Digest for Friday, February 02, 1996

There are 7 messages totalling 292 lines in this issue. 




Topics of the day:
  1. Ways To Cope With The Cold
  2. Political Humor (offensive to Hillary and Chelsea)
  3. Fun things to do in a mall (part 2 of 2)
  4. Shopping spree.
  5. Truth in Advertising
  6. Wedded Bliss (off. to Poles & Aggies)
  7. True story 


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Date:    Sat, 3 Feb 1996 00:25:56 -0500
From:    Hal Tremper <Quixote96@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ways To Cope With The Cold

My sisters and I have been exchanging ways to cope with the cold
The first sister started it by writing:
I have devised the following rules to cope with this weather:

1. Don't think about it.
2. Don't look at the thermometer.
3. Pretend you're deaf when you hear numbers below zero.
4. Realize that it's actually beautifully sunny out.  The colors,
   brightness, and clear skies are really gorgeous, (looking from
   indoors.)
5. Have someone else warm up your car for you.
6. Wear LOTS of clothes -- the more you look like a space walker,
   the better. It has the added advantage of letting you travel
   incognito.
7. Be thankful for all the things that are making you more
   comfortable than "back in the good ol' days" when your
   grandfather went through those cold winters.  We have better
   cars, electricity, better communications systems, clothing, etc.

	The second sister responded:

 8. Have two pair of Sorrells or moon boots.  As the liner of one
    pair is drying, you can wear the other pair. (Somehow winter
    problems are surmountable when your feet are dry.)
 9. Collect icicles, glue them to your walls of your living room
    and invite the neighbors over for an icicle melting party.
10. Wish they would invent good mittens you wouldn't have to take
    off whenever you need to do any work.
11. Ignore the cold, and go to all the concerts, ballgames, movies
    and other events -- you're sure to get a good seat because
    everyone else stayed home.
12. Thank God for modern cars, garages, headbolt heaters... and
    fathers who buy snowtires for daughters. (Thanks Dad)
13. Be gratefull that those scientific theories about global
    warming might be true and we'll have less of these winters
    in the future.

	I responded:

 8. Start composing the wild tales you are going to tell your
    grandchilderen someday.
 9. Laugh at the suffering of those who are too vain to wear hats
    because they don't want to be seen with "Hat Hair". (Missoula
    is full of them).
10. Make up dumb things to say like,"I guess I can leave the air
    conditioner off again tonight", or "Gee, it's so cold, you'd
    almost think it was winter", or "It's a really nice day except
    for the cold and the wind and the snow", etc.
11. When you see someone who is unattractive, be thankfull they are
    wearing so many clothes.

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Date:    Sat, 3 Feb 1996 08:02:33 -0500
From:    Sarah Soderlund <SarahSod@AOL.COM>
Subject: Political Humor (offensive to Hillary and Chelsea)

Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport.  A ramp is
wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each
arm.  As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to
a salute.

Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me.  I can't return your
salute.  My hands are full."

"Yes Sir.  I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine.

"Now hold on," says Clinton.  "These aren't just pigs.  These are
 genuine Arkansas Razorbacks."

"Yes Sir!  Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine.

"I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary,"  Clinton
 explains.

The Marine answers,  "Yes Sir!  An excellent trade if I may say so
myself Sir!"

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Date:    Sat, 3 Feb 1996 08:35:08 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Fun things to do in a mall (part 2 of 2)

26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them*
       with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store,
       insisting that you lost a contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches
       the color of your beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see
       London, I see France..."
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes,
       and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My
       Hotrod."
33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform
       gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy
       will "give you a really wicked buzz".
35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any
       giant crap made out of straw."
36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace
       display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as
       religious tracts.
38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push
       you around in it.
39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station
       showing "Saved by the Bell."  Chant the dialogue in a
       robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels
       on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department
       wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles
       yelling "scratch one flattop!"
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and
       scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".
42. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots
       of explosion noises.
43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and
       down.
44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke
       arguments over whether they're real.
45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.
46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department
      stores and say "Domino's."
47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing
       to scratch yourself.
48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether
       they've seen this man."
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes
       later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it
       hasn't turned blue yet.

     -Thanks to Adam's Humor list http://pobox.com/~humor
      and Jokemaster (Gary Guibor)

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Date:    Sat, 3 Feb 1996 11:38:33 EST
From:    MR LYLE J KINNAMAN <FVKM43A@PRODIGY.COM>
Subject: Shopping spree. <adult themes>

Suffering from terrible migraine headaches, a man went to his
doctor, took a series of extensive medical tests and got some
really bad news. The doctor told him only castration would relieve
his suffering.  The headaches were so bad the patient agreed to the
surgery without a moments hesitation.  After the surgery, the
headaches were gone but the patient was very depressed over the
loss of his manhood.  His doctor told him about a little tailor
shop around the corner and suggested if he bought a complete new
outfit, he'd be surprised at how much it would cheer him up.

Walking into the shop, he told the tailor what he wanted and
started to tell him his hat size.  The tailor interrupted him
and said, "You wear size seven and one-half hat size, fifteen
thirty-three shirt size and your trousers as thirty-four waist
and thirty inches inseam. "

"You're exactly right," the astonished customer said, "how in the
world do you do it?"

"Been in the business for years.  You also wear size thirty-six
undershorts and size ten-medium-width shoes."

"Now that's where you're wrong, I wear size thirty-four
undershorts."

"No way," said the tailor, "if you wear the smaller size, they'll
put pressure on your testicles and give you terrible migraine
headaches."

          -Lyle's Joke Boutique.

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Date:    Sat, 3 Feb 1996 13:09:17 EST
From:    Richard V. Gilpin <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: Truth in Advertising <off. to the sensitive?>

I was checking the Library's log file the other day and was
surprised to see that one file in the Library's Reference Room's
"Legal Terms & Phrases" area had over 3 times more hits than the
next most popular one.  I checked and was puzzled to find it was
the file containing the definition of "sexual act" -- until I
realized the anomaly was created by search engines fulfilling the
prurient requests submitted by net-surfing horny adolescents,
tele-evangelists and Republican politicians.

This was little more than a minor curiosity until I realized it
could be a heaven-sent solution to every webmaster's constant quest
for ways to increase a site's usage stats -- while avoiding the
hard work that creating/adding actual useful content requires
(besides building/copying link collections).

Realizing that most people never notice the <title></title> part of
a web page I experimented last night and for a few hours changed
one of the Library's least visited pages from "<title>LLL's Topic
Area On Antitrust Regulation</title>" to "<title>LLL's Topic Area
On Antitrust Regulation, Really Dirty Sex, Repulsive Sexual Acts
and Disgusting Porn</title>".

When I checked the log file today I discovered that the hits on the
file increased from the usual 1 every 3 or 4 hours to 117 hits for
the 3 hours of the change.

I intend to continue this experiment using different words and
phrases to determine those that give the best results and will keep
the list informed.

If you decide to join the experiment you should probably include a
notice on the page stating something like: "All complaints about
this page's lack of sexually explicit content will be immediately
forwarded to the Department of Justice". I overlooked doing this
and today's e-mail was overflowing with some rather peculiar and
singularly offensive messages.

Thanks,
Jeff


from the Internet mailing list NetLawyers:
http://www.lectlaw.com

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Date:    Sat, 3 Feb 1996 13:48:33 EST
From:    Sheldon Richman <srichman@BNA.COM>
Subject: Wedded Bliss (off. to Poles & Aggies)

Q: What do you call an alumna of the University of Warsaw who
   emigrates from Poland to the U.S. so she can marry an
   alumnus of Texas A&M University?

A:  A social climber.

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Date:    Sat, 3 Feb 1996 13:38:19 -0600
From:    DCHRISTI <dchristi@BADLANDS.NODAK.EDU>
Subject: True story

My roommate is a very intelligent man, almost too intelligent,
because he hasn't much in the way of common sense...

Last night, I was working on the computer, and decided that I
wanted to have some candles instead of the normal light... so, I
got two out, lit them, and went back to work.  He, meanwhile, was
at a hockey game, and invited a bunch of his friends over to the
house afterwards.

One of his friends arrived before he did, so she went to the living
room and turned on the tv.  I turned on the hall lights, and went
back into the office, turned up the radio a smidgen, and went back
to work.

My roommate arrives maybe 5 minutes later... walks into the house,
looks into the office and sees the candles.  Now mind you all, the
computer is on, the radio is on, the tv is on, the hall lights are
on...

So what does he ask?  "Don't we have electricity?"

To think... his name isn't even Homer.

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